Well, another day I'm sitting around doing nothing. Might as well review a fic while I'm at it. XD This one had a slice of life and sad tag, so I figured I had no valid excuse not to read it.

As always this is entirely my own opinion, take some of it, none of it, or all of it as you see fit.

Wings on the Horizon by StalkerPony

Now here's a story you don't find too often, at least I don't find too often, a first person, reflective piece. At first, I cringed a little because it's extremely rare to find a well-written first person fic. Generally, you get authors who only know how to write "I + ACTION" sentences. This story however, is written pretty well! StalkerPony obviously tries to shake up the sentence structure and does so in a way that isn't tiring to read. It's one of the better first person pieces I've read on the site to be sure.

That being said, the wording was often repetitive. I'm probably a lot more picky about this than most readers, but it is a big turnoff for me when I'm reading the same verbs over and over again. This happens a lot in the fic and started to get irritating by the end. Again, not a bit issue for most readers, but still something that needs worked on none the less.

Okay, moving on from random technical stuff. The story itself focuses on a human as he goes throughout his life and his continued encounters with Fluttershy. It's borderline non-pony fiction. Really, I had a lot of trouble seeing it as fanfiction. Replace Fluttershy with an angel or something and you'd have a personal work. I started reading it expecting to get Flutter's perspective at some point, but never got it.

That brings me to the general format of this story. One: it's set back in time, which is totally cool, I'm a history buff myself. But, yeah, StalkerPony gives no indication in the description that it is set in the past. The only reason I caught on so quick was that I knew enough about history to know about WWII and the English kids being sent to the countryside during the bomb raids. I think it would be best to include the fact that this is set in the past in the description or made more clear from the onset as some readers might be confused.

The second thing about this story is that it's a time piece. Meaning it goes from the main character's early years to their twilight years. Now, at the onset, this story doesn't look like that. The italics make you think that the story would be in fact one set at one point in time with a flashback. Instead, the ENTIRE story is written in italics. This is really irritating to me because when I see italics, by gosh by golly, I expect to see regular text as well. Italics are generally used for flashbacks, dream sequences, stories, etc. To use it for the entire story isn't the best stylistic choice in that you're setting the readers up to think that the flashback will break, or the perspective will shift, or something. In other words, it sets up for disappointment.

The entire story is written from that main character's perspective, and, from that and the type of story, one might assume it would be a character piece. That's what I assumed anyway. However, I found it extremely difficult to see this as a character piece. I know character pieces, and this didn't make the cut for me. It's not poorly written, the grammar's just fine, the situation is explained well enough, but there is no "bite" to this story.

Stories like this need to rely on characterization, making the reader connect with that character. However, this story feels more like the author is trying to get us to connect with the character's situation rather than the character himself. Of course there are bits and pieces where the reader can connect, but they come off as rather "telly" to me. I expect a LOT more character-focus in a story like this.

Part of the reason for this might be the way the story is written. It's written like a continual timeline. Which, though good from an overall, "here's what's happening" standpoint, does little to help characterization. I'd almost recommend a snapshot approach instead. There are some snapshots here, but they aren't written as snapshots. You've already got the story divided into significant events, so if you separate those out into individual sections, writing them as it's happening rather than as a narrator looking back, that might give the story some more bite to it. That's of course up to you. It doesn't read "bad" the way it is, but I can tell it could be stronger from a characterization standpoint.

The story is tagged sad, and, yes I suppose it is a little, but it's sad in a very cliche, predictable way. I could pretty much write up what was going to happen from the first time I read about Fluttershy. Again, the bite I expected wasn't there. He was happy and wanted to live, but why? Some explanations are given, but they seem really dull . . . not too creative. The ending bit was very predictable and the characterization didn't come up to combat that. It just felt rather meh. Again, more of a sadness for the situation than the character himself which is not what I'm looking for in a slice of life.

Those points aside, this is still a really well written first person. It's an interesting piece, and, from a mechanics standpoint, I can't have any complaints. I did manage to read this straight through without a break which is pretty good for me as my attention tends to wander with stories. I did love the concept, and the historical setting made my inner history nerd smile. The only real complaint I have for this story is the characterization. Overall, a nice, if incredibly predictable short that deserves some love. ^^

Official Rating: Enjoyable

— Bluegrass

4559438 Just wanted to add that, as the person who initially claimed this before I went on hiatus, I strongly concur with just about everything above. It's nice to see something outside the usual boundary for stories, but I'd have to say that it really has no significant chance at an audience among readers of fanfiction. Even amongst those willing to give something different a try, the lack of 'bite', as Bluegrass put it, is a seriously limiting factor.

Which is not to say that the story doesn't have merit, but it has a very narrow window of interest.

Also, I mentioned some systemic problems with semicolon use when I dropped the story. Have those been fixed now, Bluegrass?

4559501 Hmmm. I didn't really notice any semicolons or semicolon abuse when I read through it. But, I'm not the most grammar focused woman in the world, so as long as it wasn't painful, I probably didn't notice it. ^^"

4559514

Maybe that sounds a bit harsh; like saying you can’t escape it.

Stuff like this. I dare say he's not too worried about looking backwards and editing, though. It's probably the best way to stay sane.

I should add that I upvoted the story, though. I guess I'm just one of those hipster apes that likes so see something new tried in earnest.

4559438 Thank you so much for this review Obviously I'm no expert at writing, so I'm not surprised you found so many flaws. Even though I've written most of my life, I'm still not all that familiar with the more complex stuff, I usually just write what I think is good and leave it at that. One thing I want to say though, is that I chose to have it all in italics to mimic the look of a letter or journal, but I guess that was a poor choice

4559554 Honestly, I haven't gotten around to fix those flaws yet, but I will as soon as I feel up to it.

Haven't been too well since January and I've steadily been getting worse, so I haven't had the energy or drive to fix it yet, and certainly not to write or edit properly.

4560944 Glad you enjoyed the review! Yeah, I figured the italics were a stylistic choice. Some might like it that way, but, I'm rather conservative when it comes to style in stories so that's why I brought it up.

Totally understand about not feeling well. I've been sick all year. No idea how I manage to get anything written out. It really does sap your motivation . . .