Pony Strikers Charged

by ZeroChill

This story is a crossover with Super Mario Strikers Charged, a soccer game with Nintendo twists: an electric fence, classic Mario items, and no rules. Like it says in the story, "...you can hit anyone on the field whenever you want, however you want." I was a little tentative opening this story up, as it has the Dark and Gore tags, which are two I usually try to avoid.

The story starts out with Discord sitting in his room, bored to no end. He finds the ball used in the game, and 'invites' (i.e. teleports without permission), fifteen ponies to the Badlands. There's the princesses, the 'mane 6,' Derpy, Time Turner (the Doctor), Vinyl, Octavia, Braeburn, Lyra, and Bonbon. He then convinces all of them to play his game and transports them to a universe within the ball.

The princesses put on gauntlets charged with chaos energy and immediately become very aggressive towards each other, to the point of delight at the other's pain. They play a match, which I won't spoil for you.

Afterwards, Twilight talks to Celestia. Celestia then coughs up blood after she leaves.

... And that's where I stop. This story just isn't for me. I'm squeamish. I’ll review from here.

Just a quick analysis of the ponies:
Luna’s a gamer.
Celestia has trouble with the nobles.
The mane 6 are in character, as far as I can tell. Maybe a little over-the-top-parody kind of personality, however.
Braeburn. One word. “AAAAPPPALOOOSSA!”
Derpy is an airhead.
Time Turner is the Doctor. With a blue phone booth and everything.
Vinyl just wants to have fun.
Octavia wants nothing to do with this, yet participates anyway.
Lyra is over-obsessed with humans.
Bonbon is tired of Lyra’s obsession.

The seven side characters seem a little cliche. So, too, do the princesses. I’m sure the characters are developed as the story progresses, but I’m not going to get that far.

~~+~~

The story was presented rather inconsistently, speeding through the one chapter in Equestria to get to the in-ball universe. While no details were given for why Discord chose each pony, a lot of attention is given to things that probably won’t matter in the long run. For example, over 200 words were dedicated to describing Luna’s gaming hobbies. This is great for a ‘Gamer Luna’ story, but not so much for this one.

On the other hand, none of the fifteen ponies were really described, leaving their personalities up to the reader to decide based off just a few sentences. Likewise, the stadium the games are played in isn’t described very well, relying instead on knowledge of the game the story was based off of. This didn’t really help with the immersion. Describe the environment more, and the objects less. Tell us what the field looks like from the stands, and put a little less emphasis on what Pinkie has (a pink soda cap, a '#1' foam finger, and a bag of popcorn, purchased from a Toad vendor halfway across the stadium).

I could tell you were aiming for high adrenaline action, like any sports story should. However, your characters, at least the ones on the field, came off as cruel and overly aggressive. It’s a little jarring to read this:

"Luna felt the blow of the tackle only to register the searing pain of electricity coursing through her body from hitting the electric fence. Her legs felt helpless and bound to the fence as she screamed out in tortured pain. Celestia delighted in seeing her sister writing in agony on electricity before she got possession of the ball."

This comes right after Celestia calling Luna "hot, smoldering crap". Yes, you gave a reason why the characters are so aggressive. Yes, I know it's a Dark-Gore story. However, this seems excessive, especially for the start of the action.

I do appreciate the time you put into your grammar skills. There were still consistent errors, but they didn’t mess with the feel of the story, only the flow.

Tips: Put character’s reactions in the paragraph with their statements. For example:

Derpy quizzically looked around with a bit of worry in her eyes.

“I’m not sure Turner. Another universe within a universe sounds like everypony can be hurt. But, if you’re going in, then I guess I’ll follow you too.” Vinyl Scratch had a large grin on her face.

“Hoofball is an awesome sport.”

That’s how you have it written. It should be more like:

Derpy quizzically looked around with a bit of worry in her eyes. “I’m not sure Turner. Another universe within a universe sounds like everypony can be hurt. But, if you’re going in, then I guess I’ll follow you too.”

Vinyl Scratch had a large grin on her face. “Hoofball is an awesome sport.”

Also, you write 'passive voice' on occasion. For example:

"The first two balls were effortlessly blocked by him."

It sounds a little clunky, right? Instead, try this:

"He effortlessly blocked the first two balls.”

Finally, I have to say, you did a good job of capturing the action in the game. Your story brought back fond memories of repeatedly slamming my brother’s character into the fence until the AI picked up the ball. Nostalgia rating: A.

Enjoyable