When Mute finds herself imprisoned by the pegasus army, she isn’t exactly surprised. Being cellmates with Starswirl the Bearded is another matter completely. And they are both in for more than simple imprisonment. In the years before the events of the first Hearth’s Warming, sometimes the suffering of others is what it takes for you to survive.

Review:

I really was not sure what to think when opening this story, not because it's another pre date Starswirl story, but because it covers a war with him in it. A rather cliche topic, but one I'll give chance to.

However, there was one big distraction that showed as soon as I opened the first chapter, a distraction that may cause readers to abandon the fic at one glance... much like this.

That problem is format. All the paragraphs are meshed together in one blob, making it difficult to start into the story. Some think that this format is classic and used in professional settings, but call me ignorant, I have yet to see that. All well, fanfic is what fanfic does... I guess. Other than that, I got through the story without any other major distractions.

There was however, one other problem I had with that story. I found it boring, not by concept but by presentation. I love flashbacks, but everything went by so quickly. All the beige prose, and colorless flow, made it really hard to enjoy the story. The concept could go somewhere, but since the story flashed by quickly, feeding me information... I felt like Rainbow Dash in Testing, Testing, 1,2,3.

The next problem I had, and I'll keep in mind that the fic is incomplete, is characterization. I did not get allot on who Mute was. I know it was meant to be some mystery, but I could not get attached to the story, and I suspect others might feel the same way. Starswirl was basic in presentation with little narrative with his purpose.

To simply say, this story lacks attractive information.

So let me give some tips, because I'm not going to go any further on the salt, I don't think that will help you anymore until these issues are acknowledged.

On the formatting, make spaces between paragraphs and allow distinction between paragraphs. Have consistent indentation, and I recommend having the first line indented then the rest of the paragraph natural.

I would write the world vibrantly to help your story be interesting. Give the reader something to enjoy. Don't just tell us where our characters are at, but show us what they smell, what they see, and what they hear. Give us feeling! Fear, sorrow, joy, grief, rage. Let us as the reader see what your world and creation has. You are creative, let that part of you shine.

Give us enjoyable background on each character. Don't be afraid to show us some of your head cannon, and let attitude fly. Give us thought, sass, sensitivity, rough. give us more on how the characters walk and act. Do they have family? Now, not all information is needed at once, but can be given spread out. You don't even have to give every bit of information, but do give us something to stand on.

Whew.

Now let me give you some sugar, because you have potential in writing. Go ahead and write what you have. If it's good people will enjoy it. What I liked in this fic were the inclusion of changelings, it got me wondering what more could have gone on in ancient times among the races.

Your ideas are interesting, I would just like to see more. Don't be afraid to plan out, find friends to help you. Get and editor, get pre-readers... and make some friends.

Ya, that's about all I have.

Rating:

So all in all, interesting to say the least... There is allot that needs to be done.