Lethargy
By blowngasket

Reviewed by Rinnaul

Humanized DiscoLys? This is actually completely new to me (as is the author), but I generally don’t do villain ships. Obligatory picture:

Commentary and Review combined due to brevity.

The descriptions go on a bit over-long, and I can’t help but feel it would be an easier read if the first few long paragraphs were split into two or three apiece. I’m seeing some typos as well—mostly simple things like missing letters, though I do see some your/you’re confusion.

Grammar is weak in the dialogue. It’s hard to point out exactly what, though. Run-on sentences? Comma splices? I’d have to think about it to name the actual problem, though as I keep reading, I think a lot of it comes from missing punctuation.

Regardless, speech keeps reading awkwardly. Despite that, Discord is close enough to his canon character, considering we’re doing romance with him, though Chrysalis is decidedly nicer than her canon version.

The romance feels a little forced, to be honest. Not much in the story really builds it up, and the fact that they’re basically doing this for the lulz doesn’t help a thing.

He started making out with her

Not the sexiest way to kick off your love scene.

Poor grammar in the dialogue continues. You have a habit of capitalizing common nouns in an attribution (e.g. “Diablogue”, He said.—the underlined word isn’t capitalized unless it’s a proper noun). Another frequent mistake is ending dialogue on a comma when it doesn’t end with an attribution, but instead a new sentence. For example:

I am not used to showing myself like this,” Discord raised an eyebrow, looking at her curiously.

In the underlined portion, “Discord” is the start of a new sentence, and so the proper punctuation here is a period, not a comma. Also, when using ellipses (…) to trail off at the end of a line of dialogue, they can behave as either a period or a comma—whichever one would have been used had the speaker not trailed off. In the example I noticed (Chrysalis saying “They are small…”), the line ends with an attribution, and so they should be treated as a comma, and the “she” afterwards left lower-case.

Here’s a big trouble spot with these grammar issues:

don’t you dare stop,” he happily obliged

Chrysalis is speaking to Discord, and Discord is obeying her. However, as written, the dialogue is attributed to Discord, not Chrysalis. It would be better as …don’t you dare stop.” He happily obliged…. However, this could still the source of some confusion. It would be better to go ahead and include an attribution to Chrysalis here: …don’t you dare stop,” she moaned. He happily obliged…. Or …she moaned, and he happily…. There are a number of ways to rewrite it.

Regardless, the best way to ensure that you don’t mix dialogue from one character with action from another is to just put them in separate paragraphs.

Grammar aside, the dialogue during the sex is well-done compared to what I usually see in my review material, with only the grammar issues really marring it.

On the other hand, the descriptions sometimes leave something to be desired, particularly in the use of emotional descriptors. Rather than using behavior to suggest emotion, we’re usually just told outright what the characters are feeling.

Proofread, particularly your grammar around dialogue. I think I covered all the major fixes up there.

The conversation leading up to their decision to have sex could have done more to set them up as being interested, rather than just bored. It needed a little bit more personal investment—or perhaps more indicators that the ennui the two express is in part an affectation, and they are, in fact, legitimately interested in one another.

It’s almost always stronger to have emotions expressed via actions and behavior cues, rather than stating them outright. When you find yourself using words like “playfully”, “enthusiastically”, and “happily”, try expressing the same things without using emotion words like those.

This features an unusual ship, handled fairly well. However, consistent grammatical errors and some weak description hurt it overall.

Enjoyable.

Thank you very much for the review. I am honestly very bad with dialogue grammar, something i have been trying to fully grasp for almost 2 years. I can only hope to have it down sooner or later.

I am glad you found it enjoyable regardless, and I will take the express emotions thing a bit more seriously if I ever attempt another clop. Probably wont, but alcohol can make anyone do something idiotic a second time, am i right?

But yeah, first attempt at a sex scene...ever, so I can't complain that i messed up here and there. Thank you again and have a great day.