One Last Crusade

by Tidal

Okay, here I go. First some thoughts on chapter I.

Even though you mention the fact yourself, the fact is that the chapter feels kind of rushed, which is to say that its pacing is not optimal. Right off the bat you start with three emotionally loaded encounters that very clearly follow a terrible accident of sorts. The problem is, by cutting straight to the aftermath, a lot of the weight and sharpness of the scenes is lost and in the end all the characters seem to do is to shout at one another. The reader is not at this point enough invested into the story to really care about the clash, but as a clash it still demands some kind of a reaction, which left me to a confused and
indifferent position.

Another case for the inclusion of foreshadowing could be made somewhere before Rarity's, AJ's, and Rainbow's meeting in the end. Their change from the point of explosion to best sister of the year nominees might benefit from a transitory scene where they all group together to ponder their follies, which where a bit idiosyncratic in the first place.

The second chapter is remarkably better, I find. To start off, it included my favourite line from all week:

She bit off a few choice words that she had heard Rainbow Dash use a few times when things went weird or “sideways” as she would say.

The action scene that took the lion's share of the chapter was very pleasingly written as a whole: the humour works on more than a few occasions, which I find rare, and the excitement is there right until the end. You do marvelous job in reproducing the interaction of the Crusaders, and a few lines excluded I felt like watching a real episode from the show.

All and all the only thing I didn't like was the fight in the beginning, which felt artificial, since I couldn't imagine a buck up so immense that would justify such extreme measures from the big sisters' part. Well, of course I could, but the thing is that by leaving that part for the reader to figure out, you're skipping on the key motive of what really started this whole affair. The mystery conflict will most likely serve as the heart of the reconciliation that I assume will be a part of the ending of the fic, and for that reason alone I'd say it should be elaborated better.

However, the issue is not acute enough to constitute a fatal flaw (although it could definetly be something to think about), so my final score is:

I recommend this story.

3448909
Good review.

I do have to disagree with you on one thing though. Given the type of reader I am, I liked the beginning of the first chapter as it suddenly jolted me into the action. Yeah the set up couldn't been stronger with some slower pace so we knew what happened, but given the type of reader I am I like beginnings to be fast otherwise I read 100 words and I'm like "Yep, I'm out." Rereading the opening now, it was fast but just what someone like me needed to get into the story without waiting for it to start. Guess it all depends on what type of reader you are.

3460315 Thanks. A true point you have there: explosive, action-packed beginnings that skip on foreshadowing do have a place in my heart, too, and it would not be a difficult task to recall a dozen successful examples of these. I've used the trick a couple of times myself, and as you said, it does serve well the important function of drawing in the reader right from the start.

However, in this case I saw the trick as a problem because it wasn't explained properly even after the scene: it adopted the stance of a blindspot, and the reader was left to deal with the notion that the issue was acute enough to demand such radical countermeasures. Whenever such blindspot are used, I get the nasty impression that the author simply couldn't imagine a suitably aggravating instance, and thus decided to leave it for the reader's imagination. I'm not saying this was what happened, but the shadow of a doubt is a bitch to kill.

In short: the accident should have been elaborated better at some point: perhaps in pieces through severals povs of the characters, or in the dialogue, or otherwise. Function through form, strength through function: that's my third motto.

3460726
I get what you mean. What the CMC did should be explained at some point, even if through a small conversation. Right now it feels like Ed Edd n Eddy's Big Picture Show (if you're a fan then you'll get the reference )

3465599 The reference gives me some disturbing, repressed memories. I'm too afraid to google them out.

3467298
Yeah, I tried deciphering your comment but it just makes me more confused

What do you mean?

3471532 Nah, nothing, a dull joke. That Ed Edd is an old cartoon, correct? I have some vague memories about it, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Thus it might have been one of those that gave me the chills as a kiddo.