The story
The author

Unfortunately my mic broke (again) right after the last video, so I can't give you the full story but I can give you them samples. Also, this was from before my review of Obsidian Legacy, so there are more than two chapters and a prologue now.

REVIEW

GRAMMAR

Both fortunately and unfortunately this is the weakest point in the story. Many times you're going to encounter a spelling error. Sentence structure and word usage could use a small amount of work, which is justifiable as English isn't the first language our author learned. All he needs is somebody who'd be able to help him that's well versed in the English language and he has the potential for the famed feature box, no matter how short.

The errors are small, but have a tendency to pop up a lot, which eventually may have taken me out of the reading a bit. Specifically in the description, which isn't a good spot to do that in.

This shall receive a 5/10 for having multiple grammatical issues, but most of them are spelling or incorrect word usage which is pretty easy to fix.

STYLE

The basics of the story are as follows: Nyx (From Past Sins if you ever read it [I didn't]) has stumbled across the Old Castle in the Everfree Forest, and found a broken Chrysalis. Unfortunately for me, this brings a bit of discomfort as I have Trypophobia, or the fear of tiny holes on solid objects, which brought some nightmares back to me.

Back on track, The story we've been honored to read has been known to have a good amount of showing, rather than telling, as most things going on allow us to visualize. Some parts though I did wish our author here had told, such as a character description for Nyx, as I wouldn't have known what she looked like unless I had seen this gif in the comments:

Anyways, this shall receive a 9/10 for almost having the really flowing style that we as readers absolutely love in our stories.

NARRATIVE

The pacing of this story is a tad quicker than I would like for a story with multiple chapters (says the guy who made a 1,000 word story that should've been 2-3,000 words.), but maybe that's something you guys would enjoy. More descriptions for the snowball fight would've been nice, but I'll stay away from the subjective areas for now.

The progression of this story does make sense, but some parts seem forced to me, such as Rainbow Dash's line and Scootaloo's dialogue. The exposition is hardly noticeable, but does show up in some areas where it's welcome. Props to writing, author.

This shall receive a 9.9/10 (yes I'm going into decimals) for having a simple pacing problem, and semi-forced dialogue.

CHARACTERS

Now I can't say much about Nyx, as I never read Past Sins but she seems exactly like a little kid would be. Weird, sporadic, hyper, and easily scared. It seems that something has begun to frighten her every other chapter.

Chrysalis, on the other hand, has only been shown for a short time compared to some others. However, the author has successfully shown how broken she is after the events of A Canterlot Wedding, and even seems to be taking the Princess Twilight news a lot better than some of us (Saberspark I'm looking directly at you). Then again, she didn't have a lackluster half season of false build up leading to something we didn't need.

Twilight is a heluva lot more motherly to Nyx than she is to Spike , making pancakes and all the whatnot, but she's only shown for a couple paragraphs so I don't have much to go on with her.

This receives a 10/10 since the characters are obviously in character, except maybe Spike I dunno, and are very well used in their Canon roles.

ORIGINALITY

The premise, Nyx helps Chrysalis re-integrate back into society, seems about as original as a Past Sins fanfic can be, while also showing my worst, fcking, nightmare in Chrysalis (seriously, just go here to see if you have trypophobia) becoming something I could actually look at without tingles running up my spine as if I was about to go all Pinkamena on somebody .

The story has too many positive points to list. In fact, the only negatives are grammatical/subjective things, which can be easily fixed.

10/10 MAH GOOD SIRE! you earned dis stuff (and here I am talking about poor grammar.)

FINAL VERDICTATION OF VERDICTS

Alright, here we go:

Grammar: 5/10
Style: 9/10
Narrative: 9.9/10
Characters:10/10
Originality: 10/10
FINAL VERDICT: 43.9/50
You made it close to an amazing story my good sir, fix the grammar and this would've made it into masterpiece

Now then, hopefully I can finally get Terminal world simple. Until then, I'm tut895 and I review dem Alternate Universe stories.

IT'S HARD AS SHT TO FIND A SFW ANTHRO FLUTTERBAT ON GOOGLE, I SWEAR!

3081077
Nice Work!

Very nice job tut! In both sections!

I'm also a trypophobjc..