Hi and thanks for taking a look at this thread. I am posting here to request help from anyone with a bit of time and generosity. My story's (link) just been rejected by the pre-reading team but they've kindly given me some helpful feedback. I am keen and determined to make this story submit-worthy and am willing to put in all the work necessary. But I need help.

Let me start by posting the feedback I got from the EQD prereaders.

Thank you for submitting "Beside Every Great Dragon there is a Great Moon" to Equestria Daily. There's a lot to enjoy here, but I found myself with too many questions right from the beginning for me to forward the story for posting on the blog.

Spike's narrative voice, for instance. The opening italicized text tells me that this is an older Spike reminiscing about the past, but then that older voice disappears and it's the younger Spike who proceeds to tell the whole story. So why is that opening part even there? If you were going to have the older Spike comment on the things he did when he was younger, I could understand it. But why make the whole story a flashback when you're not going to use any of the structure inherent in a flashback?

I wondered why it took 7,000 words to get to Luna's explanation of why she's camping in the woods. And when we finally get that explanation, I wondered why it didn't cause Spike any alarm that a monster Luna can only face while wearing her most magical armor is possibly wondering around near Ponyville. I wondered why Luna was so astonished by the regular goings-on in Ponyville: she's been there before, after all. And if this is taking place on Spike's 18th birthday, how is it that the Cutie Mark Crusaders are still the Cutie Mark Crusaders? Wouldn't they have gotten their marks by now?

Like I said, there's a lot that's fun and cute here. It still has to hang together as a story, though, and tidying up the slightly-tangled details will help a lot.

I'm currently working on addressing these issues as best as I can. I realize that as the writer, what's obvious to me might not be obvious to the readers and vice versa. Which is why I'd be really grateful if anyone here (especially those with experience in EQD's standards) could help me with suggestions, pick out any other problems not mentioned there, etc. Essentially, I wish to make this story as EQD-worthy as possible before I attempt a second submission.

Many many thanks in advance! I really appreciate it.