You're really going all in on writing Mach as a complete dick, aren't you?
Oh ye. I took Plum's advice to go big or go home to heart.
Good start for Caltrop 2.0. Not sure if she was just funning/blustering on Greaser or not.
100% serious. She may not be roaming solo anymore but the trust issues are still there absolutely. Trust issues as in, she doesn't trust any of her gang not to stab her in the back if she shows any kind of weakness. They're not friends. They're just banded together through mutual goals and safety of numbers.
Speaking of, Greaser's got a pair on her this time around.
Yep, she's still the same cheery optimistic pony she used to be, but she's also not going to take anyone's shit, either.
6813889 Tonto's pretty much thrown in the towel. Sorry.
6820520 Correct. In the original he wasn't branded at all, but this time around he loses one cutie mark (the right side). The cutie mark on his left side is still there.
6824358 Oh I'm so glad to see you. The turnout for the new chapter has been really low and I've got a case of the sads.
On Mach meddling
I really didn't want to involve Mach in the events of FoE at all, especially when it was a fledgling story and the recon flight happened in the first chapter. At the time I wanted to do everything I could to avoid strikes against myself, especially with what's coming up later on. I saw you had some things to say but I'll address it when I get there.
On Pip's noisy shenanigans
I've said a few times but I'll just say again that I'm fuzzy on most of the minor details since it's been so long since I've read FoE (Three red-eyed nights in January of 2012). I remembered Pip tripping the mine and storming Golden Oaks, but I didn't remember that the two events happened with a time buffer in between.
I think "Allon-sy" would have been a better choice.
Hisssssssssss...
Why would an elementary school have shower facilities?
That's a good catch. I think I can claim inattentiveness for that one.
Question, how would ponies know what 'meathooks' are?
:x
Doc left a few bugs in it and didn't quite get all the functions he wanted out of it? Or user error?
Remember this little bit from one of my previous responses?
I had a lot of misgivings about the ScoutBuck during the rewrite, too. I actually never used it all that often at all in the original, enough to the point where it may as well have not even existed. I've seriously toned down a lot of its functions recently, and now pretty much its entire purpose is to be a navigational system for Mach.
This is when that starts to really creep into the narrative.
So, did we just find unicorn Frosty?
Nah. I could've just omitted cherry, but I wanted to give a little nod to my buddy Bobulator.
Ah a follower of the Tao of Dresden.
AHA FINALLY! SOMEONE RECOGNIZES JIM BUTCHER'S INFLUENCE ON MY WORK
........ okay then... that.. did not see that coming, and just.. just.....
Look at the cover! :D
On Garrote's demise
Haha... yeah... I did sort of push the limit here a little bit. Like I said before, this part is probably the most controversial in Outlaw to the point where I was uncomfortable while I was writing it. This is actually a recurring theme throughout the story where Mach will have to make a conscious effort to avoid succumbing to the Wasteland's influence.
Why do Wastelanders know about/hate the Enclave?
The way I see it, Calamity's been around New Appleloosa long enough for everyone to learn from him what the Enclave is and what it's really like. Radar, too, was a Dashite and I'm sure he told his share of stories. I personally think it makes more sense for word of mouth to have spread enough to the point where everyone knows about the existance of the Enclave, but not necessarily anything about it. The rumor mill is a strong and driving force, and I think it's only natural for ponies to take what they've learned from Calamity about all the assholes in the government and twist it through word of mouth into an entire nation of assholes that think everything below the clouds is scum, with a couple of good apples like Calamity who've left due to conflicts of interest.
It's really all down to my interpretation of how the wasteland inhabitants would react to ponies coming from a secluded nation to live amongst their numbers without bringing any of their compatriots along. Since they don't know Mach and he hasn't proven himself trustworthy like Calamity has, they're more likely to assume he's still allied with the Enclave and there to cause trouble for Calamity or the town.
No story, that's a bad story. Can't work. The original was very explicit that Calamity's barding kept his brand covered up completely, and he made sure to keep it that way. Hell Littlepip and Velvet didn't even find out about the fact he'd been branded till they got to Manehatten and he finally showed them.
That's my foggy memory and barding-absent fanart to blame again.
So should get some more talking between the two pegasi that might make it work but, it's not "RAWR EVIL DEFILER!" canon breaking and all the bad but, it is.. odd and, walking a tightrope.
:x I may or may not have removed that scene when rewriting to ramp up the severity of Mach's asshole streak.
6827813 I can see not wanting to get to involved with the main story. It could have fit but yeah at the same time, it might not have gone over well, would have been a risk, but could have payed off, still wasn't bad for not being there.
Most of the rest, mistakes happen. Also, All hail the pure awesomeness that is Dresden!
I did remember you mentioning him not using the Scout Buck much, wasn't sure it was going to be an in 'verse the damn thing isn't good for more then that, and not a, just kind of forget it has those features and never use them. Good to hear.
With that scene.... it was certainly effective, well done and, yeah only issue it might have gone a bit to far in the gory details, but not horribly so, just enough to make me incredibly uncomfortable and a bit but not to metaphorically slam the book shut and not want to keep going levels. So, still a good usage. Likely could have been toned down a bit but overall one hell of an effective scene and looking forward to seeing this character aspect play out.
Really, story is still getting great and only setting things up still. Few minor nitpicks and mistakes, but nothing major. Plus, yeah you are dealing with someone with a freakishly good memory that has read FOE several times, in detail. So I know almost no one will be able to easily remember some of the tiny little details I can bring up. Just more snark and nitpick fun.
Like the whole Enclave thing, It does make logical sense and could work that way, my biggest hang up is how in all of FOE, not one pony ever mentioned The Enclave by name prior to their arrival, or showed one lick of giving a crap over Calamity being a pegasus. And yet, suddenly anti-pegasus feelings? It's less a logical one and more, it just feels off issue. But yeah more a personal YMMV thing.
Hopefully will be able to keep these going faster, and keep at it, this story better get finished, had to many awesome stories die out on me.
Damnit Mach. I get really wanting to get in the air again, but would you rather be able to fly at full power, or take a few half assed trips around and wreck your ability to fly permanently by over exerting still healing muscles?
I wanted to make it a sort of "pegasus" thing to stubbornly ignore injuries of grounding severity. Velvet couldn't get Calamity to rest his shot wing, Dashie refused to take it easy after she was released from the hospital in Read it and Weep, and Mach likewise doesn't want to give up his biggest advantage. Can't keep a bird caged!
On Appleloosa stuff
That's what a fuzzy memory, a .pdf of FoE and ctrl+F gets you. Previously Mach's little errand to earn a prod in the right direction was a carbon copy of Fallout 3's 300 Pieces of Silver. I wanted to drum up something unique for the revision and I wound up with this mostly-correct-but-still-riddled-with-minor-errors thing. I'm happier that it's truly unique but frustrated that it raises some questions.
The ScoutBuck
That one was a slip. They conveniently 'left' it on his person because I figured he'd need it, but I never really considered that he could probably find his way back to New Appleloosa if he were flying away from it.
Wait, were the foals bound and gagged, or just the escort?
Just the escort. Murky wording.
These foals seem awful calm and oblivious
Probably lackluster wording on my part. I meant for that particular line to come across as panicked and very much spoken as if she wanted to get the hell out of there as soon as possible. Though in my experience, kids tend to stew silently in their misery after they get all their tantrums and tears out, and they'd been there a good while.
So they are shooting at the cart full of the foals they are trying to save?
You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. Their options are to take their chances trying to hit Mach and Chain Link, or to just accept defeat and let them get away with the foals. At that point it's down to the individual. Can you live with yourself if you let them get away? What about if you accidentally kill one of the foals? I'd take the outcome with a chance of a happy ending, myself.
How does that make any sense? "I learned to compensate for something the weapons I used did not have."
It's meant in more of an "in-theory" way than a practical way. Like knowing and understanding how to operate a manual transmission versus actually doing so. I can guarantee that no matter how much you read up on it, you're not going to manage it the first time. I've lived that one myself.
you are an IDIOT!
I liked the idea of toying around with Mach's true ignorance of the Wasteland through dramatic irony.
Though yeah guessing that won't last TO long.
Nah, we'll be off to my own private little section of the Wasteland in a couple chapters. When I was first writing I wanted to ease people into things with familiar faces and locations.
do you WANT to make things as difficult as possible?
Yes! Get used to Mach making things difficult for himself, because it's an ingrained personality trait.
I need to start a "Mach doesn't want to live" counter for all the stupid shit he says and does that will do nothing but bring him pain and he should know that.
I think you should make a drinking game out of it. c:<
And he does not even see the issues with that line of thought.
Indoctrination! Hanging on to an ages-old feud started by your predecessors! Woo!
So yeah now Mach's wasteland adventure really starts and, can't wait to see where it take him.
Get ready, because this is where I really hit my stride. I feel like 6 is the worst of the rewritten chapters, but I can say with confidence that 7-9 are miles ahead of anything you've seen from me thus far.
Appleloosa stuff, yeah mistakes happen, but given just how much it's clear you and the story really are trying overall, a few minor continuity goofs like Calamity's barding and the distance here, not bad. Annoying and fun to nitpick over sure, but still, not going to really hold it agsint the story, cause on the whole it does such an amazing job at proving it does care about the original and really is just trying to tell a separate story in the same world, trying to make itself fit in... unlike some other stories....
Yeah nothing about those foals came off as traumatized, scared, anything other then "Oh we're going on another trip alright!" Just kind of, utterly oblivious to anything bad happening at all. The shooting at them, well that would depend on if they are regular ponies trying to protect their foals from slavers, or if they really were a rival group trying to poach Old Appleloosa's goods. It makes perfect sense in the latter case, former, not so much.
It's meant in more of an "in-theory" way than a practical way.
Ah so it was Mach trying to BS his way out of stuff, not the story, alright that works fine.
I think you should make a drinking game out of it. c:<
Bleh, no.. first I don't drink, second, I simply.. do not get, in the slightest, what the whole big deal is with 'drinking games' they, simply make no sense at all to me.
But yeah Mach is going to be his own worst enemy, and eager to see how that plays out.
6813889 Yeah Tofu's right. I've just not got the drive to work on RoWT anymore. I'd let it be adopted and continued if I could find a suitable author who is up to the challenge and is willing to work in the stuff I had planned.
(I do apologize. I read this last week, and among a bunch of other things, neglected to give feedback. I hate commenting from a phone, can't scroll along and bring things up in-comment, so I try and wait til I get home... and promptly forget)
Well. This chapter certainly introduced a lot, so lets break this down a little.
We've got character introductions aplenty, and despite allegations of the name being... silly? Meta? Ech. At any rate, they were unfounded, as I see it the "Boopers" are interesting, and Caltrop seems like a fun character with an earlier introduction this time around. The name makes sense, especially as a not-particularly-fond-of nickname.
Tess is fun. Completely new character for me AFAIK, and I like her. I know some German, probably a tiny bit more than Mach, so reading that dialogue was entertaining. I found Mach's lack of... translation... a bit odd. A stylistic choice, and it didn't affect the nature of the scene all that much, but the fact that he knew at least part of what he was saying, (and what was being said), as the perspective character, but didn't translate... that was a little odd to me. I don't know if this is a point to improve on or just a comment on my part, as I realize it is a stylistic choice rather than... well, the scene would have bogged down, and a large part of the intent, I think, was the audience seeing that he didn't entirely know what he was talking about.
Odd, but definitely not bad, because it wasn't central to understanding the scene, and a treat to those with the prerequisite knowledge, or desire to auto-translate.
Krieg, now. In hindsight I can't quite recall his initial introduction, because this one is quite simply far more passionate. It makes me wonder if those events will remain tied in and fleshed out through his backstory, or if the Pegasi-Griffon Resource War is going to be touched on more heavily as a plot point. I certainly have some thoughts on it, but I don't think I've heard yours, and I'd be very interested to see your impression of that war, especially through a character like Krieg.
This chapter was big, in the sense of content introduced. Buckston, in particular, feels like so much more of a character in itself this time around. A community that is far more visibly built around the Spire.
Greaser's home seems to be more of a home base. I don't recall ever seeing something like it before, but it's a fun space. Makes me think back to that picture of her working on a gun, a while ago now. Thinking of a wave of detritus encroaching around the edges of the light, specifically. Says a lot about her, the way she lives. Good show-rather-than-tell, all around.
Overall, good chapter. Given the content and number of introductions, there was a high possibility of this chapter dragging on. You've said in the past, if I recall, that you very much enjoy writing dialogue, and I feel it shows quite strongly here. In fact, I'd say that the pacing for this chapter rested quite heavily on the quality of said dialogue, and wasn't found wanting.
You know, I admit I rather didn't like the original version of the story. And when I heard there was a rewrite in progress, I felt a bit skeptical that it would fix the issues I had with the story. After skimming these new chapters, however, I will confess that perhaps I was wrong. What I'm seeing so far that I like is simply that this time around the story feels...less like it's on Mach's "side". While unpleasant stuff happened to Mach in the first iteration it generally felt like it was either a consequence of Mach just being that heroic and self-sacrificing, or other characters just being irredeemable jerks. In short, the first iteration felt like there generally weren't a lot of situation where Mach got truly screwed over by his egotism and headstrong nature, or where others would contradict or call out more self-centered aspects of his behavior and worldview. So far my quick look at what's here is showing more of that kind of stuff, which I admit I think of as good for a story like this.
I think I'll be reading these new chapters more closely at a later date. I may enjoy this rewrite after all.
6916688 Tess isn't quite new, but you won't have seen her yet as far as you'd gotten in the old version. She doesn't pop up until about chapter 23. For the rewrite I've repurposed her and gave her the role of a pair of completely two-dimensional right-hand men of Razorbeak's. The nature of their previous iterations lends well to character development on Tess's part as well as Razorbeak himself. Plus I had a lot of fun coming up with a character that is essentially my own unique version of a preservation of griffon culture. A character that can occasionally play the clueless foreigner when outside of the company of her own, despite her experiences in the wasteland. A bit of the opposite and also quite like Mach at the same time.
You're right in that the lack of translation was intentional. While standard procedure is to include a translation in parenthesis, I felt it would be a lot more immersive for the reader if they were just as clueless as Mach was. Doubly so, since they're reading from his perspective. There's also a nice added bonus in there for German speakers who can understand everything and see how Mach flubs his responses for a few laughs.
Not much actually changed from the old introduction. I think the biggest change is that Tess is taking the place of Razorbeak's cardboard standee associates and Greaser actually has a bit of a relationship with him instead of just being a Buckston citizen getting in his way.
The war is something I never really touched too closely on in Outlaw 1.0. It does tie in heavily with both Razorbeak and Mach's backstories, though. For Mach, his conception may not have even happened if Silverbolt hadn't fought in the war. For Razorbeak, he may not have even left griffon lands to come to Equestria. It's nothing I go into extreme detail on but it is very much important to those two characters' backstories.
One of my biggest criticisms was my poor world building so I'm really trying to take strides to improve that. I still don't find it any less difficult and I don't think I do it anywhere near as good as Adder does but I'm giving it my best shot.
I don't remember when the idea that Greaser should be a hoarder popped into my mind but when it did I sort of ran with it. I try to keep Outlaw fairly serious which bites me in the ass whenever I decide to do something a little more lighthearted but dammit I like my silly moments too.
I need to get caught up reading FS, I really do. I'd read the prologue and the first chapter some time ago but I haven't been doing much reading at all lately. I think WEcon's last two chapters were the only thing I've actually read in quite a long time.
6960177 I really have done a lot to turn it around. I hope you do eventually end up reading it and letting me know what you think once you do. c:
7011683 Blehhhh I've been procrastinating on my response cause I still had to reply to Relentless and I didn't want to bunch them up in the same comment since he's further ahead and the response would include spoilers. That said, I'm so glad you're back since I always get paranoid that people gave up the story when I don't hear anything in a while.
Littlepip hears about Redeye, and is instantly curious, wanting to know more, on the look out for more information, realizing this is something she should learn.
Mach learns about him, and totally ignores it.
Curiosity really can be helpful.
That's for smolhorse to deal with, we've got less heroic things to do! Excelsior!
And of course you go and agree to it way way to easily to not make clear you are up to something. Need some ranks in bluff there dude.
Mach is canonically a terrible liar. This comes into play a lot more as the story goes on.
Hey, KAGE was the one with the Hellhound daggers who thought engaging in melee with ponies with guns was a good idea. Reggie is the one with actual guns. She'll shoot Mach, Kage would gut him.
I like to think not all griffons are above evisceration as an intimidation tactic. Those sharp talons and all.
Wait, what's the 'freak' bit? Wait, didn't mach comment on having bigger then normal wings? Or, has it been so long since I read earlier bits I'm mixing stuff up and forgetting things?
Nope. This is the closest the rewrite ever gets to taking note of their size. All intentional, of course. I learned from my mistake and an OC with blatantly unique features is rarely a good thing and generally a turnoff.
How does the same smeg keep happening to the same guy?
Oh you wait and see all the very specific and recurring misery I inflict on this guy. He should probably buy a helmet for the future.
Mach's attitude
And now embark with us on a journey as his travels in the Wasteland humble him and cause him to finally grow the fuck up.
Yeah, that jacket isn't going to last long unless you get in touch with a pony that knows how to sew really well.
We'll change it out eventuallyyyyy. Something like... I dunno, about 5 or 6 chapters? So like Chapter 12-ish I think we'll see an armor upgrade. Previously he went from a flight suit in chapters 1-21 -> and then power armor from chapters 21-30. This time I've introduced a mid-tier armor upgrade for a little more believability.
Lever
pls T^T
Claustrophobia
I thought it was cute to do an inversion of Pip's first reaction to the Wasteland. I also felt it was pretty likely for a creature so used to flying free to get panicked and terrified when crammed into an underground bunker with tight confines and a mazelike architecture. Like a fish in a too-small tank.
Use the coilgun
You can drill a soldier until he's completely cool and collected in combat but can the same be said once you stick him in front of a creature that could rip him in half with a flick of the wrist?
Doesn't' he still have the helmet on?
plssssss T^T
"Iron Will" and the stable experiment
I never outright state that it's Iron Will for obvious reasons, I just heavily imply it. As for the stable's experiment this is a classic case of putting the cart before the horse (heh). Conceptually I wanted to do a sort of Theseus and the Labyrinth thing so the minotaur existed before the stable did. FoE's Stable-Tec being what it is, I sort of had to wrack my brain to come up with a reason as to why he'd be in the stable at all, and how he'd be bettering pony society for the future by being there. I thought this worked out pretty well but then the problem became how to ghoulify him so he'd last the 200 years which granted, I phoned in a little bit. I figured a reactor is a reactor whether it's magical or nuclear, but I sort of forgot that balefire was necromantic radiation and not just magical radiation.
Mach's service record and cool under fire
We'll get to see a bit of that firsthand. Maybe a familiar face will even show up when we do. ;)
Good job Mach, ya broke it!
Eh, it's still in the testing stages. What we need is someone who knows how to tinker to take a look at it.
So.. if they wouldn't go that low, why were they sent down to the surface after you to begin with? And again.... why did they think he would head to that Stable? Also, how high up was this thing if it had that much room to drop from, yet was still under the cloud cover?
As much as it seems like a plothole right now, these are the questions I want you, the reader, to be asking yourself. You'll get the answer to that soon enough.
Next chapter's got some neat stuff. About 50/50 action to other stuff but there's some unique concepts and takes on things that I'm really proud of and I'm interested in your thoughts on them.
7048242 I think there are some tops that you can wind a string around to spin them faster but I'm pretty sure I messed up the expression anyway. I think what I meant was wound up like a clock. I think it was possibly the rhyme that threw me off.
Air Raid is a loooooot different this time around (mostly). He does still care for Mach, but he's not a spurned lover and there are no hard feelings between the two anymore. In fact, as opposed to being a temporary squadmate who Mach had a drunken one-night stand with, they've actually been lifelong friends this time around. He's going to have a lot more backstory and screentime in the rewrite and you'll even see him pop up as early as the next chapter, though it's only briefly to start.
I'll stop before I give away too much but like many characters, Air Raid is vastly different from his original incarnation.
I know you don't want to go above the clouds, but would it be that hard to grab a chunk of clouds from underneath and pull them away for a little floating bed? Or maybe a floating crib given you would likely roll off the thing.
It's actually kinda funny that you say that, because that's something he did in the original. Granted it was further on in the story than this, but it also opened up a whole new can of worms by drawing the Enclave's attention.
On the one hoof, FOE never mentioned any self propelled land vehicles. But on the other, Kkat did say it was one of things she does wish she had added after seeing the SSCS6K. And FOE didn't make them impossible. Though I'd expect them to be rather rare, mostly use for military purposes, not something you'd see just randomly littered around a middle of nowhere town.
It was just carriages in the original but that felt a little odd to me when things like the Sky Bandit exist. Sure they have to be pulled by a pegasus, but the technology is there.
On Cloudsdale
I was casting around for a headline just to add some fluffy lore bits but I couldn't come up with anything on my own. I reached out to my author groupchat and one of them came up with this. I liked it because it could touch Mach's racial pride and nationalism on a deep and personal level, but again I'm still really fuzzy on a lot of the fic's finer details. Maybe I need a factual consult for further writing.
On pegasi in the war and stuff
Mostly fuzziness on the amount of time that passed between certain events, but a lot of this misinformation can be chalked up to 200 years of word-of-mouth and indoctrination. It's a half-assed excuse but it does fit Mach to a T.
On starting a fire
I'll take these one at a time:
Okay, few issues here, one, why are you carrying the thing around with a dead battery? What good is an unloaded weapon out in the wastes? Now I could buy he just hadn't realized it was drained, but he doesn't even check, just pops it out.
When I wrote this I'd forgotten about the engagement while he was "rescuing" the foals. I was working on the supposition that the last time he used it was during the encounter with the raiders in the school. This is actually another confused memory, as he only uses his pistol in the original version, not in the rewrite. If that had been the case, he would've been way too distracted to remember his pistol was empty.
Second, when did he throw it inot the trash?
I never mention it, but considering 2/3 pony races need to use hooves and mouths to do fine manipulation I envision the gem packs as self-ejecting like shells in break-action shotguns, which leads us to...
Third, why the fuck would he toss it into where he was trying to make a fire!?
It bounced in after ejecting.
but you are still a bit of an asshole.
Don't worry, that heaping helping of humble pie is coming.
Definitely curious to see how a reunion would go.
;)
Why would an energy weapon make a 'crack' or anything that could be called a 'retort'?
I'm following game logic on this one, not physics.
How did they find you in the first place? Their explanation made no sense.
Don't worry, the explanation is coming in the near future.
Mach's planning in a nutshell.
I guess you could say he lives his life a quarter mile at a time. >:3
I'm with you on this one Mach. This makes, no sense, at all.
Uhuhuhuhu...
mostly headcanon for me in how potions work, give them some limitations.
Actually very similar to my headcanon. In the Outlaw universe healing potions are nothing more than magical hemostatics.
Seriously PLEASE tell me she sticks around for a good while, if not the rest of the story!
Of course she does! Greaser is my favorite character, after all.
Ah, I'm really glad you liked the chapter. Next chapter's a little more mellow, there's some world building and introduction of new characters and such, but things will be picking back up in short order. We'll start tearing into the meat of the plot and some questions will be answered while others will pop up to take their place. Look forward to hearing from you again!
It's a half-assed excuse but it does fit Mach to a T.
Well yeah, it's just what little mach remembers, and this IS Mach, doubt he stayed awake in history class that often.
It bounced in after ejecting.
Yeah that whole scene left out a few details.
In the Outlaw universe healing potions are nothing more than magical hemostatics.
Eh, that seems a little to underpowered for what we've seen them do. I do agree they need limits, but the most logical one that matches what we have seen is that they only do well healing simple, gross physical trauma to soft tissues. (gross as in size and type, not ickyness.) And also do not do a complete job, leaving scar tissue, partially unhealed injuries. It does just enough to get you back on your hooves, but long term reliance leads to a worsening physical condition.
Of course she does! Greaser is my favorite character, after all.
Maybe I need a factual consult for further writing.
Well, not necessarily. I'm not exactly making a formal request or anything. I will say one thing, though. If, once you've gotten caught up to the most recent point in the story you'd like to help by pre-reading, know that I only ever ask people who are genuinely invested in the story to help because things tend to work out better when everyone mutually wants the story to be as good as it can be. A lot of stories have editing teams that are there just because they wanted to lend a hand to someone in need, not necessarily because they wanted the story itself to be a success. I'm generally hesitant to ask the readers like you that write lengthy comments because I'm afraid that once given an all-access pass to the story that those comments will dry up.
So yeah, if you wanna help, cool. If not, don't feel like you have any obligation to.
Okay, so... Mach went and killed one of the Twins that got his ass banished in the first place, meaning that other one is going to come back at some point for some serious vengeance (Nice going Mach, you know have a sworn arch-enemy for whom making you suffer is personal.) Got one Cutie Mark burned off, nearly died... again... and hopefully, just hopefully finally managed to find somepony that won't screw you over, and who is pretty damned awesome to boot. Maybe things will start to turn around? You know, right up until he manages to do something foalish and/or stupid to screw himself over.
“Y’know, you could at least let me have the ammo for my pistol,”
Well, pretty sure where this picks up and, Mach, you threatened to cut her throat if she didn't give you all her healing potions. She has every right not to fully trust you at this point. Just be glad she's helping you out at all and quit whining. Granted I do get that whole not wanting to be unarmed given the shit he's dealt with over the last few days, but still, you only have yourself to blame on this one.
trying my absolute best to remain friendly
Well, at least you think you are trying.
the back of my bloody hoof
Hmmm, if it's been bloody for long enough that you got to know it like that...... Mach should probably be rethinking seeing this medic friend of yours.
I trust you enough to travel with you but that doesn’t mean I trust you with a loaded weapon.
Once again, she is awesome. Trusting, but not naive. Willing to help, but not an idiot about it. Yeah already love her.
If you want to be one of my mates you’re going to have to work up to it,
Mach, either you start working up to it, or I am voting we ditch you as the protagonist and start following her around instead.
“Awful hard to stay mad at a cheery pony, innit? Kill ‘em with kindness, I say.”
Seriously.. have I mentioned lately how much I am loving her? Where has she been all my FOE fic reading life? A well adjusted, cheerful, intelligent pony that has lived her life in the Wastes, yet actually acts.. like a pony, and isn't mired in angst and brooding grimness, nor an idiot? But always looking on the bright side and more then willing to help a pony in need, simply because it's the right thing to do? Wait.... wait.... I have met a pony like her before... DITZY DOO! AKA, best post-apocalyptic pony! No wonder I'm loving her so much.
an ‘insufferable personality.
No..... really!? What a shocking revelation.
She really had no reason not to walk me across a minefield or into a building occupied by raiders.
You know, beyond not being an asshole. Also, what would you care about minefields? just make sure to follow her, and maybe hover over the ground just to be safe.
even so I found myself awash with mild anxiety
Which... is perfectly understandable and makes total sense. He really does have little reason to trust her beyond she could have killed him, but she could have reasons for that. Like a living slave is worth more money then a dead one. But yeah, he has every right to be suspicious, but glad he's just, being cautious, trying to go along with it, trusting her, while keeping an eye open for a trap. Not acting like an ass based on it. Just, very well played. Not going overboard on the paranoia and making him an asshole due to it, but just the right amount of caution to not be a naive foal.
leaving behind a scant few that were barely enough to spell out the city’s full name.
I don't think losing one letter and one punctuation mark count as only have "A scant few" left, or "barely enough" That's only losing 10% of the lettering. And that is only if you count the ' as one of the letters.
One large black building towered above the others at about twice the height
Ministry Hub?
griffons name themselves rather oddly.
Says 'Greaser' also, that is odd, one of the only griffon names I can think of that doesn't have a 'g' in it.
build himself a nice tower right smack-dab in the middle of the city.
Huh, or not. Still interesting backstory. Not.. much else to say, see if it plays a role later on, or just some nice worldbuilding. Also, wonder if he dealt with firearms, that would send sales sky rocketing in a war, and I've long been of the camp that guns were originally a griffon invention that ponies later adopted for their own use.
Checkpoints? Trading permits? And had she said contraband?
Huh, seems like a pretty hi level town for the Wastes to be that organized and have stuff like that in place. At least Tenpony levels, likely closer to Friendship City.
You mean to tell me you’ve actually managed to establish some sort of rudimentary order?
Damnit Mach...... also, well this just proves that the Enclave's "Military Intelligence" is just as oxymoronic a name as most tend to be.
Obsidian runs their ship tight as,
1. Obsidian? Yeah that sounds like a name of someone that won't possibly end up being a villain who you end up on the wrong side of and have to either run from, or take down.
2. "Tight as."..... what? Tight as what?
Slavery is also cracked down on pretty hard. It’s no Canterlot, but they try fairly bloody hard to keep things as close to ponies’ picturesque ideals of civilization as possible.
Okay, this doesn't seem to bad... and this is far far to early in the story, and with a name like 'Obsidian"... what is the sinister, dastardly true schemes lying just under the surface Mach will get caught up in?
given everything I’d witnessed over the years. The fact that there was something even remotely resembling law was enough to make my head spin
That says more about your heinously bad ability to see what is going on and notice/deduce facts as well as gather information then it does to their abilities.
Bloody hell, it’s the Boopers,
....... That is the best name for a pony gang EVER! DEFEND YOUR NOSES FROM OUR BOOPING!!
“Just shut your gob and let me do the talking,”
I'm guessing this is a phrase Mach is going to get very used to hearing.
belts of various shapes and sizes were wrapped around her with no discernable pattern. I got the feeling that they were more for looks than anything else, though I didn’t quite understand the purpose of the aesthetic.
I'm with you Mach. Is she a rejected Final Fantasy character? Could be worse, could have a ton of random pouches hanging off of those belts as well.
“I’d like to see you try it, you little shit,” I snarled before I could stop myself.
.... Luna damnit Mach.... Greaser, got any duct tape on you to seal his noise hole with?
“Don’t sell earth ponies short, asshole,”
Sadly..... I just know Mach going to keep on doing it for a long time.
“—Boop.”
Okay, that.. that was hilariously awesome!
“That’s the bloody definition of raiding!”
Not really... not by FOE standards, that's just banditry. Being a Raider is that, along with being a plain psychotic sadist who simply does not give a shit about anything beyond making others suffer and doing whatever sick little whim pops into your skull. So yeah, they really aren't raiders, far to clam, far to rational and able to form what seems to be a working group together. They are certainly on the border of slipping into raider madness, but still on the 'bandit' side of that. Still I'm liking these guys. A very nice take on a bandit gang, still hardass SOB's who will do whatever they hell they need to to survive, but not outright chaotic evil idiots. And I did not mind that aspect of the FOE raiders at all, but it is nice to see some variety as well.
“You could’ve helped me,”
Hey, she tried, she told you to keep your trap shut, everything after that is your own damned fault dumbass.
Mercenaries, but their leader is very fair.
Hmm, so a group, not a single person.. okay. Also, the more you say how not-evil things are.. the more sure I become that something sinister MUST be going on.
Hence… Boopers. It’s a nickname. They don’t much care for it, as you saw.
And my liking of them lowers a few levels. Come on, that is the BEST pony gang name ever, how could they not like it?
Old rusted-out hulks of abandoned autowagons
Okay, really playing the 'autowagons' up a bit to much for my taste. I do agree there likely were some self propelled ground vehicles, but if they were THIS widespread why didn't we see a single hint of them in FOE?
I heard what sounded like a heavy machine gun opening fire.
He stumbled into the activation field for a turret?
It was a booby trap, you featherbrained arsehole.
Yup.
She was apparently lost in her own little world and pranced off ahead of me with a noticeable skip in her trot.
I don't think I've mentioned recently how much I love Greaser, well it just went up, that whole bit was so adorably great. Seriously, how did you make a character composed of this much pure win?
fastening the empty machine gun to the free weapon mount on my battle saddle opposite the coilgun.
You know, that just highlights what should have been an issue for a long time, shouldn't having just one big ass weapon on one side cause him to be really unbalanced?
“I just need to get out of here before I have a panic attack.”
Also, again, very nice handling of his claustrophobia. Able to forget it when needed, but as soon as his mind is drawn back to where he is, it springs right back, and just, all around nice handling.
Relief washed over me for reasons several.
Getting a tad poetic there Mach.
a sprawling urban cityscape built around the eye of a hurricane
A constant hurricane, located in one spot? Given this is Equestria, I would totally buy that is possible, but would have one HELL of a story behind it.
Memories I’d have rather left buried and forgotten.
Hmmm, just random attempts at world-building, bit of fleshing out the sky-lands a bit more. Or foreshadowing some more reveals about stuff from Mach's past that is going to come back to bite him?
“Might try our luck over on Route 52 next.”
SQUEEEEE!!! Say hi to Puppeh while you're there!
Also, I can by a fairly developed town forming, Friendship City after all, but this much trading traffic? Seems a bit to excessive for me to buy at this point in the Wastes. A few traders yes, but a steady enough supply for there to be a line of them coming in? Not really. Trade routes did not really exist, and larger caravans would be really hard to keep safe. Now yes there are ponies doing it, but hardly this many and this steady about it. When near the end of FOE, there was a pretty good scene where Littelpip saw some of the impact she'd been having on the Wastes through the fact that ponies really were starting to create actual, steady trade routes between the various places she'd helped. That she'd made the region safe enough for ponies to be able to do that. Even without that, just, feels, as I said, a tad to excessive. Not really bad but, ehh could just be YMMV or some personal bug.
Checkpoint said with a smile that made my stomach do backflips
Why? What kind of 'backflips' what was up with the smile. Was he just so damn sexy even Mach was sucked into that smile, kind of a Jack Harkness thing? Is he already feeling a bit of jealousy over a pony paying attention to Greaser? Just a really evil looking smile? Without anything more to go on, I'm adding this to the "reasons to be sure something nefarious is going on here" pile.
that crappy little shanty New Appleloosa!
HEY! The only thing 'crappy' about New Appleloosa is the fucking dickwad running the place.
“B-Bitte, nicht das schiessen! Ich bin der freund!”
Hmmmmmm......so Griffons are German? Makes sense, have always figured they most fit for a central or Eastern European slot for closest comparison to comparison to IRL regions.
“Stars-damned high school language classes!”
Stupid Latin correspondence course! I see what you did there.
Still, have you tried speaking Equestrian? Maybe she understands that.
“I should bloody well say you lost this bloke at word one and judging by your giggling, you’re just having a laugh now.”
And she was just fucking with Mach. I approve, he still needs a few more holes poked in that ego of his.
She works for Obsidian
Hmmm, so is Obsidian another Griffon merc group like the Talons?
Wait, what? What? What was I thinking, she was a griffon!
Forbidden fruit Mach, forbidden fruit. So, Mach's got a taste for the exotic? This could go interesting, and comedic, places
I’ve had nothing but bad experiences where griffons are concerned.
Pretty much all of which were you're own damn fault. Or at least the Enclave in general's fault, not the griffons'.
I wheezed and clutched at my side,
Yup definitely at least a few cracked ribs.
“You wouldn’t believe how many settlements I’ve seen from the skies that barely had two sticks to rub together.”
Again, no issue with a mostly successful and fairly large wasteland settlement. It does make sense there'd be a few that get lucky, especially with a base like this to build up on, and enough forces to keep the Raiders and bandits at bay. Still thing the shear amount of traders is pushing it a little though.
We even get merchant ships coming into port from up and down Equestria’s coast.”
And that is even more of a stretch. What are they trading with? how are there enough large places to make this viable to have this level of trade? I do like seeing parts of the waste that aren't utter shit, and where ponies have managed to do well for themselves, but this comes off as a little to well compared to everything we saw in FOE.
If everything was as Greaser had said, I couldn’t have possibly found a better place to settle down and make a living.
Right up until the sinister secret of this town rears up and takes a bite out of your ass.
I told you Enclave bastards you’re not welcome in my city!
Wait..... the Enclave have actually come down and tried to make deals with him?
Once Enclave, always Enclave. Get him out of my sight.
Ummmm, no, that's kind of the whole meaning behind being a Dashite. Granted in Mach's case... yeah he's still a bit to programmed with Enclave propaganda. But still, having a Dashite around could come in handy.
“Now, Grease Gun,” Krieg said, his tone stern.
“I’ve told you not to call me that,”
Hmmm, so, Greaser or Grease Gun, which is her actual name, and which the nickname?
Why did he think we—they—were or had been in his city?
You know, if I was generous, I could say that being nearly strangled to death caused some oxygen deprivation to his brain, making him a bit slow... but no, no... this is just is natural inability to see the bloody obvious. Still, what would The Enclave be doing talking to surface dwellers?
I’ve got food—I think
Hmmmm, "I think"? been so long she can't remember, or the type that gets so wrapped up in tinkering on stuff when she is at home that she forgets stuff like eating?
Hadn’t she said the upper levels were for Obsidian personnel?
Plus she can just waltz into the big boss' office on a whim, talk to him like she did.. yeah there is something more going on between them. So just how close to him is she? Doubt it's anything romantic... but maybe parental? He took her in and looked out for her when she was young? Or, is she just really useful to them?
Mess didn’t even begin to describe it.
About what I was expecting. So yeah the type that just gets so lost in her work she doesn't care about anything else.
There we are. Sorted.
And somewhere, Twilight Sparkle is having a total nervous breakdown at Greaser's idea of 'sorting'.
You guys shouldn’t get enough sunlight to reliably maintain an apple orchard.
Gee whose fault is that? So, guessing they have access to a working Stable. Or at least were able to move all the important stuff out of one. Maybe that's the think out in the bay? The entrance to it?
Indigo in color and with attributes of all three pony races prominently displayed.
........................................................... Oh crap. And yet, if this was a Unity Alicorn, why would they knock? But how....
“Excuse us, ma’am. We were wondering if you had a minute to talk about—”
Wait.. wait...... okay story, okay that.. that was freaking BRILLIANT! And.. yeah it does fit. We know that The Goddess sent ponies out to try and convert others. (Though they'd all been regular ponies she'd managed to contact through her telepathy.) Sending actual Alicorns out... yeah, that would work. At this point in the main story, Alicorns were just starting to become a major, open presence and directly take a hoof in dealing with things. So timing is right for her to be trying this. Their natural ego held in check by their orders to make nice and win over other ponies. Just... hilariously, and brilliantly done story. Great job.
“For everything. I really don’t deserve it after what I tried to do to you.”
Just be glad she is such an awesome pony.
Maybe living down here in the Wasteland wouldn’t be so bad after all.
Celestia damnit Mach... why? WHY!? Don't! Taunt! MURPHY! (Or would it be Marephy?) Now the universe has to make sure something goes wrong, just to spite you for thinking that.
Okay so, all caught up... which means now it's time for me to start pestering you for more. REWRITE FASTER! DON'T MAKE ME GET THE WHIP!
Still great chapter, few minor issue for me, but on the whole, great set up of the area, some interesting new characters.. and I can't help but notice that the story's title image has Mach with Greaser, and a rather large Griffon........... Still, nothing much more to say beyond Greaser is awesome, and look forward to seeing where this is going. SOON!
that other one is going to come back at some point for some serious vengeance
Perhaps. Perhaps not. Time will tell.
Greaser.txt
Like I said before, Greaser's my favorite and I think it shows in my writing. I just love the idea of a character who always sees the bright side of things, especially one that's been brought up in an atmosphere that's depressing and miserable.
I don't think losing one letter and one punctuation mark count as only have "A scant few" left, or "barely enough" That's only losing 10% of the lettering. And that is only if you count the ' as one of the letters.
This scene was better in my head.
Also, wonder if he dealt with firearms, that would send sales sky rocketing in a war, and I've long been of the camp that guns were originally a griffon invention that ponies later adopted for their own use.
You're hitting pretty close to an old bit of world building that I'm still figuring out how to work into the rewrite.
2. "Tight as."..... what? Tight as what?
This is Australian slang, so those not familiar with their mannerisms won't necessarily pick up on it. It's common to refer to something as [x] as for emphasis. In case you hadn't already guessed, Greaser is an Aussiepone.
And my liking of them lowers a few levels. Come on, that is the BEST pony gang name ever, how could they not like it?
Boopers tested poorly with focus groups and some readers (and my editor). It was recommended that if I do elect to keep it in the story, that I make it a nickname and not something serious.
You know, that just highlights what should have been an issue for a long time, shouldn't having just one big ass weapon on one side cause him to be really unbalanced?
I figure there's a period of adjustment but you'd get used to it after a while. I don't imagine the coilgun as something that would be incredibly heavy to carry in any event, more of an inconvenience like a real-world equivalent of a machine gunner lugging around an M240 or something similar.
A constant hurricane, located in one spot? Given this is Equestria, I would totally buy that is possible, but would have one HELL of a story behind it.
Hmmm, just random attempts at world-building, bit of fleshing out the sky-lands a bit more. Or foreshadowing some more reveals about stuff from Mach's past that is going to come back to bite him?
Answers to both of these much sooner than you expect.
On trading and such
World building for Outlaw was very threadbare in the original because I'm not quite so good at it. I've been taking strides to improve that and I had a bit of a knee-jerk reaction to how paper thin Outlaw's setting was and fluffed it up considerably.
Why? What kind of 'backflips' what was up with the smile.
Like an "I know something you don't know" smile.
Hmmmmmm......so Griffons are German? Makes sense, have always figured they most fit for a central or Eastern European slot for closest comparison to comparison to IRL regions.
I pin them as a European conglomerate but primarly German. Something about them has always left me with that feeling, I can't quite describe it. A friend of mine goes the Eastern European route with his griffon character, now that you mention it.
Stupid Latin correspondence course! I see what you did there.
YES HAHA
Finally someone picks up on it, and of course it would be one of the only other Dresden readers that also reads my story.
Hmmm, so is Obsidian another Griffon merc group like the Talons?
Basically, yes. Though just like taking my story to a different location, I wanted full freedom to do what I wanted without working within the confines of the established Talons.
Again, no issue with a mostly successful and fairly large wasteland settlement. It does make sense there'd be a few that get lucky, especially with a base like this to build up on, and enough forces to keep the Raiders and bandits at bay. Still thing the shear amount of traders is pushing it a little though.
It also helps that the city doesn't have a huge radioactive crater at its center like certain other cities.
Wait..... the Enclave have actually come down and tried to make deals with him?
Soon. Soooooon.
Ummmm, no, that's kind of the whole meaning behind being a Dashite. Granted in Mach's case... yeah he's still a bit to programmed with Enclave propaganda. But still, having a Dashite around could come in handy.
You'll have to forgive him, he has some demons. He's also a huge crab.
Hmmm, so, Greaser or Grease Gun, which is her actual name, and which the nickname?
Grease Gun is her real name but she doesn't like it, which is why she's rechristened herself as Greaser.
but maybe parental?
Ding. There's a reason I always call him dadbird when I talk about him to other people.
And somewhere, Twilight Sparkle is having a total nervous breakdown at Greaser's idea of 'sorting'.
Heh, this triggered my editor and he left a note saying as much during his pass.
Wait.. wait...... okay story, okay that.. that was freaking BRILLIANT! And.. yeah it does fit.
Oh thank god I thought I was going to get so much text telling me why this was a bad and terrible idea.
Boopers tested poorly with focus groups and some readers (and my editor).
They have no sense of fun. That is the BEST name ever for a pony gang. Sure it's not one I'd take seriously as the main, big threat. But as a side gang of raiders just doing their thing? Pure, win.
Oh thank god I thought I was going to get so much text telling me why this was a bad and terrible idea.
Well, it's one of those that.. I could make arguments agsint it, but also arguments for it. About 50\50 on the logic of it working. But what tips it into "Yeah that works" is just how hilarious awesome the image of Unity Witness alicorns going door to door is. The Goddess really does believe she is doing what is best for pony kind. That she is saving them through this. The making them Alicorns is the greatest kindness she can give. (Also why I consider her Corrupted Kindness, her telling Lil'pip she was, was just the Goddess fucking with her head.) So sending her children out to try and simply convince others that it is right, that joining Unity is the best thing for them. It does rather work. The only major issue is the shear level of ego and pride and cackling "Mwuhahahaha!" the Alicorns tend to have. But that is when facing ponies they are trying to actively fight, or ones they have already written off as worthless. I could see her giving the Alicorns she sends out on these types of missions orders to be polite at all costs. To make a good impression, to convince ponies that this truly is the best option. Rather then risk a fight that might get her children killed when she might not need it.
Also at this point she knows Redeye has a nice sharp knife he is just waiting for the right moment to stick into her back, so could also be hoping to find a replacement for him as well. So, yeah overall, it's an idea that could, and couldn't work, and would all come down to execution, but the shear idea of it is to awesome and hilarious not to love if done well.
Also, if you don't want the whip, then get a typing.
7156325 I can see why you'd probably think Air Raid hasn't really changed much at all, but it's honestly just lighthearted teasing, not sincere attempts at pursuing a relationship. He's not a spurned psycho lover anymore, he's a close friend. I guarantee you'll see that pretty soon.
Starting off with a slow burn isn't a bad thing, though, especially since you've got chapters of manageable length rather then the circa 20k word monsters most FOE fics have.
That was something I wanted to make sure I did the second time around, because things started getting out of hand in the later chapters. What I did when I rewrote was split existing content into separate chapters. These first three chapters were originally one and so on and so forth. I've been trying to keep new content relatively concise without sacrificing quality.
Those words go beyond tempting fate straight into graphically telling fate how you banged its sister.
That's pretty much the name of the game here. How badly can I screw my protagonist and still have him walk away.
7181899 The way it went before, Mach and the sisters flew out to Maripony, Gust got waxed and they retreated back to base only for the remaining sister to turn on Mach. He kills her, makes a final report to Astral and bumps into his old man on the way out, who has by now found the corpse. Charges are leveled, Mach flees, is pursued by Wonderbolts and crashes on Ponyville's riverbank.
So all in all, I feel it's a marked improvement on the old version.
I'd also comment that it's kinda amazing Mach is saying there's no society in the Wasteland.
It's down to luck of the draw (or lack thereof) in this case. By sheer chance he's never had a recon flight that's taken him over a major settlement like Fillydelphia or Manehattan or Friendship City. The closest thing he's experienced was a rather eventful flight over the Ruins of Canterlot.
All these authors not updating is giving me a case of the depressies. I'm trying to push through it and it really doesn't help that I decided to do three times the amount of work with this chapter compared to the others.
You'll see why once I update. Remember: I won't give up on you guys if you guys don't give up on me. All I can ask for is your continued patience.
7295613 Ah you have no idea how much this lifted my spirits. I'd had a really bad day yesterday, it was nice to see this upon checking FiMFic.
I also suspect that we're going to be friends. :3
Yay, hi new friend. c:
It seems like you've got a bit of a thing for realism
I do, yeah, for the most part. Healing potions aren't as powerful in Outlaw as they are in other stories, is another thing. They work more like hemostatics.
There are a few bits that raised an eyebrow, like Garotte remaining conscious through being eviscerated (or is that really possible? Maybe I'm just ignorant),
I think what makes it seem unrealistic is how detailed the scene is. It seems like the events are taking longer than they actually are, when in reality it's over in seconds. There are plenty of war stories of disemboweled people winding up being uncomfortably aware that they're holding their own intestines, though most people go into shock with injuries that severe and die shortly after if not treated immediately.
The renegade who had it made, retrieved for a bounty~
I think you're the first to pick up on the fact that those lines were a song reference,
(Also, it's actually the news that's out, but close enough ^^; )
I don't know how this happened or where I saw it, because I looked up the lyrics to make sure I had it right, saw "noose" and thought to myself: "This is stupid, news makes way more sense. How am I supposed to make this sound good in context?" I forever damn whatever source I found that directed me against my own ears.
(I never read the original version, so I can't comment on this version versus that one.)
Don't. Ever. The only reason I even link to it is so I can prove to people that I have what it takes to finish writing a story.
The plot hasn't gotten too involved yet,
I'm working on it, Scout's Honor. Next chapter(s) kicks off the plot big time. I know it may be hard to believe considering it's been so long since the last update, but there's a very good reason for that. I've been working towards building up a buffer so this never happens again, or if it does, the delay won't be quite so long as this.
There were a handful of instances of character dialog sounding a bit forced, like Gust and Gale egging on Mach while they're headed out to test the coilgun
Believe me when I say it was a lot worse before this.
Most of Mach's dialog (and general cockiness) is great.
It's reassuring to hear that. Most people find him abrasive to the point of being incorrigible and are turned away by that. More still are turned away by the fact that he doesn't have a vagina, but that's neither here nor there.
Keep up the good work! Looking forward to the rest!
7298777 Gasp! You replied days ago and I never got the notification. I was refreshing Fimfic like every few hours waiting for it, too. :C
Ah you have no idea how much this lifted my spirits. I'd had a really bad day yesterday, it was nice to see this upon checking FiMFic.
I'm sorry you had a bad day yesterday a week ago. :c Since we're friends now, I added you on Skype and you can feel free to request my snuggly comforting hug services at any time. <3 Or just, y'know, talk, if that's your thing. Or both. I like both.
Garotte stuff, guts spilling out
This prompted me into some research about shock and disembowelment. Fun! Basically, if your intestinal tract is the only part that gets torn out, and the blood loss isn't enough to cause shock, you can survive through several hours of gruesome pain. I can't imagine what that would be like. Truly a fascinating once-in-a-lifetime experience.
Don't. Ever. The only reason I even link to it is so I can prove to people that I have what it takes to finish writing a story.
And what does it take? Please tell me the secret. D:
It's reassuring to hear that. Most people find him abrasive to the point of being incorrigible and are turned away by that. More still are turned away by the fact that he doesn't have a vagina, but that's neither here nor there.
Well, yeah, he seems like a teenager with an attitude problem, but his problem isn't my problem, you know? I don't have to deal with him. Plus, he's not a bad stallion, just a dick, and it seems pretty obvious (or maybe I'm just projecting my hopes and dreams) that he'll learn to care about others more and keep his dickness to himself.
7567663 I know I know, I'm being a dragass, I'm sorry. I'm going to try to double-time it before the end of the month though, I swear on my dead grandmother who I love more than anything in the world.
7570486 Only the first 3.5 chapters are edited, the rest is 100% rewritten word for word. There's new content, some characters and plot elements have changed slightly but it still follows the same storyline as the original.
7836812 It's really only confusing if you try to switch from one version to the other. Really the only reason I have the original version up is so people know I have the chops to finish a story. Otherwise I'd have taken it down for good.
Welcome back, curd! And welcome back, best waifu.
Kudos on the improvements you made!
Meeting the brownhorse seems less rushed, Greaser feels much better and Mach sure has a lot to learn. Silly birdie.
Also, them catbirds.
Welcome back! Can you get any of the others to come back to? I really want to see what Inkwell does next.
That is the most weirdest name for a gang... and lol when I read that bloody hell I suddenly imagined that in Demoman's voice
Pink Eyes reference!
Am loving this so far, can't wait, now if only my friend can finish my cover then I might be able to get chapter IX posted!
6809017
Oh ye. I took Plum's advice to go big or go home to heart.
100% serious. She may not be roaming solo anymore but the trust issues are still there absolutely. Trust issues as in, she doesn't trust any of her gang not to stab her in the back if she shows any kind of weakness. They're not friends. They're just banded together through mutual goals and safety of numbers.
Yep, she's still the same cheery optimistic pony she used to be, but she's also not going to take anyone's shit, either.
6813889
Tonto's pretty much thrown in the towel. Sorry.
6820520
Correct. In the original he wasn't branded at all, but this time around he loses one cutie mark (the right side). The cutie mark on his left side is still there.
I'm not going to tell you how to write, just thought I could help by pointing out this sentence.
Other than that great chapter. Excited for the next.
6824358
Oh I'm so glad to see you. The turnout for the new chapter has been really low and I've got a case of the sads.
I really didn't want to involve Mach in the events of FoE at all, especially when it was a fledgling story and the recon flight happened in the first chapter. At the time I wanted to do everything I could to avoid strikes against myself, especially with what's coming up later on. I saw you had some things to say but I'll address it when I get there.
I've said a few times but I'll just say again that I'm fuzzy on most of the minor details since it's been so long since I've read FoE (Three red-eyed nights in January of 2012). I remembered Pip tripping the mine and storming Golden Oaks, but I didn't remember that the two events happened with a time buffer in between.
It won't be as easy as he thinks. c:
BECAUSE MAGIC
Hisssssssssss...
That's a good catch. I think I can claim inattentiveness for that one.
:x
Remember this little bit from one of my previous responses?
This is when that starts to really creep into the narrative.
Nah. I could've just omitted cherry, but I wanted to give a little nod to my buddy Bobulator.
AHA FINALLY! SOMEONE RECOGNIZES JIM BUTCHER'S INFLUENCE ON MY WORK
Look at the cover! :D
Haha... yeah... I did sort of push the limit here a little bit. Like I said before, this part is probably the most controversial in Outlaw to the point where I was uncomfortable while I was writing it. This is actually a recurring theme throughout the story where Mach will have to make a conscious effort to avoid succumbing to the Wasteland's influence.
The way I see it, Calamity's been around New Appleloosa long enough for everyone to learn from him what the Enclave is and what it's really like. Radar, too, was a Dashite and I'm sure he told his share of stories. I personally think it makes more sense for word of mouth to have spread enough to the point where everyone knows about the existance of the Enclave, but not necessarily anything about it. The rumor mill is a strong and driving force, and I think it's only natural for ponies to take what they've learned from Calamity about all the assholes in the government and twist it through word of mouth into an entire nation of assholes that think everything below the clouds is scum, with a couple of good apples like Calamity who've left due to conflicts of interest.
It's really all down to my interpretation of how the wasteland inhabitants would react to ponies coming from a secluded nation to live amongst their numbers without bringing any of their compatriots along. Since they don't know Mach and he hasn't proven himself trustworthy like Calamity has, they're more likely to assume he's still allied with the Enclave and there to cause trouble for Calamity or the town.
That's my foggy memory and barding-absent fanart to blame again.
:x I may or may not have removed that scene when rewriting to ramp up the severity of Mach's asshole streak.
6827813 I can see not wanting to get to involved with the main story. It could have fit but yeah at the same time, it might not have gone over well, would have been a risk, but could have payed off, still wasn't bad for not being there.
Most of the rest, mistakes happen. Also, All hail the pure awesomeness that is Dresden!
I did remember you mentioning him not using the Scout Buck much, wasn't sure it was going to be an in 'verse the damn thing isn't good for more then that, and not a, just kind of forget it has those features and never use them. Good to hear.
With that scene.... it was certainly effective, well done and, yeah only issue it might have gone a bit to far in the gory details, but not horribly so, just enough to make me incredibly uncomfortable and a bit but not to metaphorically slam the book shut and not want to keep going levels. So, still a good usage. Likely could have been toned down a bit but overall one hell of an effective scene and looking forward to seeing this character aspect play out.
Really, story is still getting great and only setting things up still. Few minor nitpicks and mistakes, but nothing major. Plus, yeah you are dealing with someone with a freakishly good memory that has read FOE several times, in detail. So I know almost no one will be able to easily remember some of the tiny little details I can bring up. Just more snark and nitpick fun.
Like the whole Enclave thing, It does make logical sense and could work that way, my biggest hang up is how in all of FOE, not one pony ever mentioned The Enclave by name prior to their arrival, or showed one lick of giving a crap over Calamity being a pegasus. And yet, suddenly anti-pegasus feelings? It's less a logical one and more, it just feels off issue. But yeah more a personal YMMV thing.
Hopefully will be able to keep these going faster, and keep at it, this story better get finished, had to many awesome stories die out on me.
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I wanted to make it a sort of "pegasus" thing to stubbornly ignore injuries of grounding severity. Velvet couldn't get Calamity to rest his shot wing, Dashie refused to take it easy after she was released from the hospital in Read it and Weep, and Mach likewise doesn't want to give up his biggest advantage. Can't keep a bird caged!
That's what a fuzzy memory, a .pdf of FoE and ctrl+F gets you. Previously Mach's little errand to earn a prod in the right direction was a carbon copy of Fallout 3's 300 Pieces of Silver. I wanted to drum up something unique for the revision and I wound up with this mostly-correct-but-still-riddled-with-minor-errors thing. I'm happier that it's truly unique but frustrated that it raises some questions.
That one was a slip. They conveniently 'left' it on his person because I figured he'd need it, but I never really considered that he could probably find his way back to New Appleloosa if he were flying away from it.
Just the escort. Murky wording.
Probably lackluster wording on my part. I meant for that particular line to come across as panicked and very much spoken as if she wanted to get the hell out of there as soon as possible. Though in my experience, kids tend to stew silently in their misery after they get all their tantrums and tears out, and they'd been there a good while.
You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. Their options are to take their chances trying to hit Mach and Chain Link, or to just accept defeat and let them get away with the foals. At that point it's down to the individual. Can you live with yourself if you let them get away? What about if you accidentally kill one of the foals? I'd take the outcome with a chance of a happy ending, myself.
It's meant in more of an "in-theory" way than a practical way. Like knowing and understanding how to operate a manual transmission versus actually doing so. I can guarantee that no matter how much you read up on it, you're not going to manage it the first time. I've lived that one myself.
I liked the idea of toying around with Mach's true ignorance of the Wasteland through dramatic irony.
Nah, we'll be off to my own private little section of the Wasteland in a couple chapters. When I was first writing I wanted to ease people into things with familiar faces and locations.
Yes! Get used to Mach making things difficult for himself, because it's an ingrained personality trait.
I think you should make a drinking game out of it. c:<
Indoctrination! Hanging on to an ages-old feud started by your predecessors! Woo!
Get ready, because this is where I really hit my stride. I feel like 6 is the worst of the rewritten chapters, but I can say with confidence that 7-9 are miles ahead of anything you've seen from me thus far.
6848552 On the 'pegasus thing'... It makes sense.
Appleloosa stuff, yeah mistakes happen, but given just how much it's clear you and the story really are trying overall, a few minor continuity goofs like Calamity's barding and the distance here, not bad. Annoying and fun to nitpick over sure, but still, not going to really hold it agsint the story, cause on the whole it does such an amazing job at proving it does care about the original and really is just trying to tell a separate story in the same world, trying to make itself fit in... unlike some other stories....
Yeah nothing about those foals came off as traumatized, scared, anything other then "Oh we're going on another trip alright!" Just kind of, utterly oblivious to anything bad happening at all. The shooting at them, well that would depend on if they are regular ponies trying to protect their foals from slavers, or if they really were a rival group trying to poach Old Appleloosa's goods. It makes perfect sense in the latter case, former, not so much.
Ah so it was Mach trying to BS his way out of stuff, not the story, alright that works fine.
Bleh, no.. first I don't drink, second, I simply.. do not get, in the slightest, what the whole big deal is with 'drinking games' they, simply make no sense at all to me.
But yeah Mach is going to be his own worst enemy, and eager to see how that plays out.
6813889 Yeah Tofu's right. I've just not got the drive to work on RoWT anymore. I'd let it be adopted and continued if I could find a suitable author who is up to the challenge and is willing to work in the stuff I had planned.
6875292 Well that sucks, hope it comes back to you one day anyway
6886267
You should read it again because it's quite a bit different than it was when you first read it. c:
(I do apologize. I read this last week, and among a bunch of other things, neglected to give feedback. I hate commenting from a phone, can't scroll along and bring things up in-comment, so I try and wait til I get home... and promptly forget)
Well. This chapter certainly introduced a lot, so lets break this down a little.
We've got character introductions aplenty, and despite allegations of the name being... silly? Meta? Ech. At any rate, they were unfounded, as I see it the "Boopers" are interesting, and Caltrop seems like a fun character with an earlier introduction this time around. The name makes sense, especially as a not-particularly-fond-of nickname.
Tess is fun. Completely new character for me AFAIK, and I like her. I know some German, probably a tiny bit more than Mach, so reading that dialogue was entertaining. I found Mach's lack of... translation... a bit odd. A stylistic choice, and it didn't affect the nature of the scene all that much, but the fact that he knew at least part of what he was saying, (and what was being said), as the perspective character, but didn't translate... that was a little odd to me. I don't know if this is a point to improve on or just a comment on my part, as I realize it is a stylistic choice rather than... well, the scene would have bogged down, and a large part of the intent, I think, was the audience seeing that he didn't entirely know what he was talking about.
Odd, but definitely not bad, because it wasn't central to understanding the scene, and a treat to those with the prerequisite knowledge, or desire to auto-translate.
Krieg, now. In hindsight I can't quite recall his initial introduction, because this one is quite simply far more passionate. It makes me wonder if those events will remain tied in and fleshed out through his backstory, or if the Pegasi-Griffon Resource War is going to be touched on more heavily as a plot point. I certainly have some thoughts on it, but I don't think I've heard yours, and I'd be very interested to see your impression of that war, especially through a character like Krieg.
This chapter was big, in the sense of content introduced. Buckston, in particular, feels like so much more of a character in itself this time around. A community that is far more visibly built around the Spire.
Greaser's home seems to be more of a home base. I don't recall ever seeing something like it before, but it's a fun space. Makes me think back to that picture of her working on a gun, a while ago now. Thinking of a wave of detritus encroaching around the edges of the light, specifically. Says a lot about her, the way she lives. Good show-rather-than-tell, all around.
Overall, good chapter. Given the content and number of introductions, there was a high possibility of this chapter dragging on. You've said in the past, if I recall, that you very much enjoy writing dialogue, and I feel it shows quite strongly here. In fact, I'd say that the pacing for this chapter rested quite heavily on the quality of said dialogue, and wasn't found wanting.
You know, I admit I rather didn't like the original version of the story. And when I heard there was a rewrite in progress, I felt a bit skeptical that it would fix the issues I had with the story. After skimming these new chapters, however, I will confess that perhaps I was wrong. What I'm seeing so far that I like is simply that this time around the story feels...less like it's on Mach's "side". While unpleasant stuff happened to Mach in the first iteration it generally felt like it was either a consequence of Mach just being that heroic and self-sacrificing, or other characters just being irredeemable jerks. In short, the first iteration felt like there generally weren't a lot of situation where Mach got truly screwed over by his egotism and headstrong nature, or where others would contradict or call out more self-centered aspects of his behavior and worldview. So far my quick look at what's here is showing more of that kind of stuff, which I admit I think of as good for a story like this.
I think I'll be reading these new chapters more closely at a later date. I may enjoy this rewrite after all.
6916688
Tess isn't quite new, but you won't have seen her yet as far as you'd gotten in the old version. She doesn't pop up until about chapter 23. For the rewrite I've repurposed her and gave her the role of a pair of completely two-dimensional right-hand men of Razorbeak's. The nature of their previous iterations lends well to character development on Tess's part as well as Razorbeak himself. Plus I had a lot of fun coming up with a character that is essentially my own unique version of a preservation of griffon culture. A character that can occasionally play the clueless foreigner when outside of the company of her own, despite her experiences in the wasteland. A bit of the opposite and also quite like Mach at the same time.
You're right in that the lack of translation was intentional. While standard procedure is to include a translation in parenthesis, I felt it would be a lot more immersive for the reader if they were just as clueless as Mach was. Doubly so, since they're reading from his perspective. There's also a nice added bonus in there for German speakers who can understand everything and see how Mach flubs his responses for a few laughs.
Not much actually changed from the old introduction. I think the biggest change is that Tess is taking the place of Razorbeak's cardboard standee associates and Greaser actually has a bit of a relationship with him instead of just being a Buckston citizen getting in his way.
The war is something I never really touched too closely on in Outlaw 1.0. It does tie in heavily with both Razorbeak and Mach's backstories, though. For Mach, his conception may not have even happened if Silverbolt hadn't fought in the war. For Razorbeak, he may not have even left griffon lands to come to Equestria. It's nothing I go into extreme detail on but it is very much important to those two characters' backstories.
One of my biggest criticisms was my poor world building so I'm really trying to take strides to improve that. I still don't find it any less difficult and I don't think I do it anywhere near as good as Adder does but I'm giving it my best shot.
I don't remember when the idea that Greaser should be a hoarder popped into my mind but when it did I sort of ran with it. I try to keep Outlaw fairly serious which bites me in the ass whenever I decide to do something a little more lighthearted but dammit I like my silly moments too.
I need to get caught up reading FS, I really do. I'd read the prologue and the first chapter some time ago but I haven't been doing much reading at all lately. I think WEcon's last two chapters were the only thing I've actually read in quite a long time.
6960177
I really have done a lot to turn it around. I hope you do eventually end up reading it and letting me know what you think once you do. c:
7011683
Blehhhh I've been procrastinating on my response cause I still had to reply to Relentless and I didn't want to bunch them up in the same comment since he's further ahead and the response would include spoilers. That said, I'm so glad you're back since I always get paranoid that people gave up the story when I don't hear anything in a while.
That's for smolhorse to deal with, we've got less heroic things to do! Excelsior!
Mach is canonically a terrible liar. This comes into play a lot more as the story goes on.
I like to think not all griffons are above evisceration as an intimidation tactic. Those sharp talons and all.
Nope. This is the closest the rewrite ever gets to taking note of their size. All intentional, of course. I learned from my mistake and an OC with blatantly unique features is rarely a good thing and generally a turnoff.
Oh you wait and see all the very specific and recurring misery I inflict on this guy. He should probably buy a helmet for the future.
And now embark with us on a journey as his travels in the Wasteland humble him and cause him to finally grow the fuck up.
We'll change it out eventuallyyyyy. Something like... I dunno, about 5 or 6 chapters? So like Chapter 12-ish I think we'll see an armor upgrade. Previously he went from a flight suit in chapters 1-21 -> and then power armor from chapters 21-30. This time I've introduced a mid-tier armor upgrade for a little more believability.
pls T^T
I thought it was cute to do an inversion of Pip's first reaction to the Wasteland. I also felt it was pretty likely for a creature so used to flying free to get panicked and terrified when crammed into an underground bunker with tight confines and a mazelike architecture. Like a fish in a too-small tank.
You can drill a soldier until he's completely cool and collected in combat but can the same be said once you stick him in front of a creature that could rip him in half with a flick of the wrist?
plssssss T^T
I never outright state that it's Iron Will for obvious reasons, I just heavily imply it. As for the stable's experiment this is a classic case of putting the cart before the horse (heh). Conceptually I wanted to do a sort of Theseus and the Labyrinth thing so the minotaur existed before the stable did. FoE's Stable-Tec being what it is, I sort of had to wrack my brain to come up with a reason as to why he'd be in the stable at all, and how he'd be bettering pony society for the future by being there. I thought this worked out pretty well but then the problem became how to ghoulify him so he'd last the 200 years which granted, I phoned in a little bit. I figured a reactor is a reactor whether it's magical or nuclear, but I sort of forgot that balefire was necromantic radiation and not just magical radiation.
We'll get to see a bit of that firsthand. Maybe a familiar face will even show up when we do. ;)
Eh, it's still in the testing stages. What we need is someone who knows how to tinker to take a look at it.
As much as it seems like a plothole right now, these are the questions I want you, the reader, to be asking yourself. You'll get the answer to that soon enough.
Next chapter's got some neat stuff. About 50/50 action to other stuff but there's some unique concepts and takes on things that I'm really proud of and I'm interested in your thoughts on them.
7042610 Normally I don't do big comments, but perhaps this time around I will given I'll have the previous version to compare to.
7048242
I think there are some tops that you can wind a string around to spin them faster but I'm pretty sure I messed up the expression anyway. I think what I meant was wound up like a clock. I think it was possibly the rhyme that threw me off.
Air Raid is a loooooot different this time around (mostly). He does still care for Mach, but he's not a spurned lover and there are no hard feelings between the two anymore. In fact, as opposed to being a temporary squadmate who Mach had a drunken one-night stand with, they've actually been lifelong friends this time around. He's going to have a lot more backstory and screentime in the rewrite and you'll even see him pop up as early as the next chapter, though it's only briefly to start.
I'll stop before I give away too much but like many characters, Air Raid is vastly different from his original incarnation.
7084437
It's actually kinda funny that you say that, because that's something he did in the original. Granted it was further on in the story than this, but it also opened up a whole new can of worms by drawing the Enclave's attention.
It was just carriages in the original but that felt a little odd to me when things like the Sky Bandit exist. Sure they have to be pulled by a pegasus, but the technology is there.
I was casting around for a headline just to add some fluffy lore bits but I couldn't come up with anything on my own. I reached out to my author groupchat and one of them came up with this. I liked it because it could touch Mach's racial pride and nationalism on a deep and personal level, but again I'm still really fuzzy on a lot of the fic's finer details. Maybe I need a factual consult for further writing.
Mostly fuzziness on the amount of time that passed between certain events, but a lot of this misinformation can be chalked up to 200 years of word-of-mouth and indoctrination. It's a half-assed excuse but it does fit Mach to a T.
I'll take these one at a time:
When I wrote this I'd forgotten about the engagement while he was "rescuing" the foals. I was working on the supposition that the last time he used it was during the encounter with the raiders in the school. This is actually another confused memory, as he only uses his pistol in the original version, not in the rewrite. If that had been the case, he would've been way too distracted to remember his pistol was empty.
I never mention it, but considering 2/3 pony races need to use hooves and mouths to do fine manipulation I envision the gem packs as self-ejecting like shells in break-action shotguns, which leads us to...
It bounced in after ejecting.
Don't worry, that heaping helping of humble pie is coming.
;)
I'm following game logic on this one, not physics.
Don't worry, the explanation is coming in the near future.
I guess you could say he lives his life a quarter mile at a time. >:3
And Captainhoers even drew some lovely fanart of the moment just after! I have it set as the header but all my images broke when Knighty messed with the site the last time.
Uhuhuhuhu...
Actually very similar to my headcanon. In the Outlaw universe healing potions are nothing more than magical hemostatics.
Of course she does! Greaser is my favorite character, after all.
Ah, I'm really glad you liked the chapter. Next chapter's a little more mellow, there's some world building and introduction of new characters and such, but things will be picking back up in short order. We'll start tearing into the meat of the plot and some questions will be answered while others will pop up to take their place. Look forward to hearing from you again!
7091905
Well yeah, it's just what little mach remembers, and this IS Mach, doubt he stayed awake in history class that often.
Yeah that whole scene left out a few details.
Eh, that seems a little to underpowered for what we've seen them do. I do agree they need limits, but the most logical one that matches what we have seen is that they only do well healing simple, gross physical trauma to soft tissues. (gross as in size and type, not ickyness.) And also do not do a complete job, leaving scar tissue, partially unhealed injuries. It does just enough to get you back on your hooves, but long term reliance leads to a worsening physical condition.
..... I see where this is going.......
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Well, not necessarily. I'm not exactly making a formal request or anything. I will say one thing, though. If, once you've gotten caught up to the most recent point in the story you'd like to help by pre-reading, know that I only ever ask people who are genuinely invested in the story to help because things tend to work out better when everyone mutually wants the story to be as good as it can be. A lot of stories have editing teams that are there just because they wanted to lend a hand to someone in need, not necessarily because they wanted the story itself to be a success. I'm generally hesitant to ask the readers like you that write lengthy comments because I'm afraid that once given an all-access pass to the story that those comments will dry up.
So yeah, if you wanna help, cool. If not, don't feel like you have any obligation to.
Okay, so... Mach went and killed one of the Twins that got his ass banished in the first place, meaning that other one is going to come back at some point for some serious vengeance (Nice going Mach, you know have a sworn arch-enemy for whom making you suffer is personal.) Got one Cutie Mark burned off, nearly died... again... and hopefully, just hopefully finally managed to find somepony that won't screw you over, and who is pretty damned awesome to boot. Maybe things will start to turn around? You know, right up until he manages to do something foalish and/or stupid to screw himself over.
Well, pretty sure where this picks up and, Mach, you threatened to cut her throat if she didn't give you all her healing potions. She has every right not to fully trust you at this point. Just be glad she's helping you out at all and quit whining. Granted I do get that whole not wanting to be unarmed given the shit he's dealt with over the last few days, but still, you only have yourself to blame on this one.
Well, at least you think you are trying.
Hmmm, if it's been bloody for long enough that you got to know it like that...... Mach should probably be rethinking seeing this medic friend of yours.
Once again, she is awesome. Trusting, but not naive. Willing to help, but not an idiot about it. Yeah already love her.
Mach, either you start working up to it, or I am voting we ditch you as the protagonist and start following her around instead.
Seriously.. have I mentioned lately how much I am loving her? Where has she been all my FOE fic reading life? A well adjusted, cheerful, intelligent pony that has lived her life in the Wastes, yet actually acts.. like a pony, and isn't mired in angst and brooding grimness, nor an idiot? But always looking on the bright side and more then willing to help a pony in need, simply because it's the right thing to do? Wait.... wait.... I have met a pony like her before... DITZY DOO! AKA, best post-apocalyptic pony! No wonder I'm loving her so much.
No..... really!? What a shocking revelation.
You know, beyond not being an asshole. Also, what would you care about minefields? just make sure to follow her, and maybe hover over the ground just to be safe.
Which... is perfectly understandable and makes total sense. He really does have little reason to trust her beyond she could have killed him, but she could have reasons for that. Like a living slave is worth more money then a dead one. But yeah, he has every right to be suspicious, but glad he's just, being cautious, trying to go along with it, trusting her, while keeping an eye open for a trap. Not acting like an ass based on it. Just, very well played. Not going overboard on the paranoia and making him an asshole due to it, but just the right amount of caution to not be a naive foal.
I don't think losing one letter and one punctuation mark count as only have "A scant few" left, or "barely enough" That's only losing 10% of the lettering. And that is only if you count the ' as one of the letters.
Ministry Hub?
Says 'Greaser' also, that is odd, one of the only griffon names I can think of that doesn't have a 'g' in it.
Huh, or not. Still interesting backstory. Not.. much else to say, see if it plays a role later on, or just some nice worldbuilding. Also, wonder if he dealt with firearms, that would send sales sky rocketing in a war, and I've long been of the camp that guns were originally a griffon invention that ponies later adopted for their own use.
Huh, seems like a pretty hi level town for the Wastes to be that organized and have stuff like that in place. At least Tenpony levels, likely closer to Friendship City.
Damnit Mach...... also, well this just proves that the Enclave's "Military Intelligence" is just as oxymoronic a name as most tend to be.
1. Obsidian? Yeah that sounds like a name of someone that won't possibly end up being a villain who you end up on the wrong side of and have to either run from, or take down.
2. "Tight as."..... what? Tight as what?
Okay, this doesn't seem to bad... and this is far far to early in the story, and with a name like 'Obsidian"... what is the sinister, dastardly true schemes lying just under the surface Mach will get caught up in?
That says more about your heinously bad ability to see what is going on and notice/deduce facts as well as gather information then it does to their abilities.
....... That is the best name for a pony gang EVER! DEFEND YOUR NOSES FROM OUR BOOPING!!
I'm guessing this is a phrase Mach is going to get very used to hearing.
I'm with you Mach. Is she a rejected Final Fantasy character? Could be worse, could have a ton of random pouches hanging off of those belts as well.
.... Luna damnit Mach.... Greaser, got any duct tape on you to seal his noise hole with?
Sadly..... I just know Mach going to keep on doing it for a long time.
Okay, that.. that was hilariously awesome!
Not really... not by FOE standards, that's just banditry. Being a Raider is that, along with being a plain psychotic sadist who simply does not give a shit about anything beyond making others suffer and doing whatever sick little whim pops into your skull. So yeah, they really aren't raiders, far to clam, far to rational and able to form what seems to be a working group together. They are certainly on the border of slipping into raider madness, but still on the 'bandit' side of that. Still I'm liking these guys. A very nice take on a bandit gang, still hardass SOB's who will do whatever they hell they need to to survive, but not outright chaotic evil idiots. And I did not mind that aspect of the FOE raiders at all, but it is nice to see some variety as well.
Hey, she tried, she told you to keep your trap shut, everything after that is your own damned fault dumbass.
Hmm, so a group, not a single person.. okay. Also, the more you say how not-evil things are.. the more sure I become that something sinister MUST be going on.
And my liking of them lowers a few levels. Come on, that is the BEST pony gang name ever, how could they not like it?
Okay, really playing the 'autowagons' up a bit to much for my taste. I do agree there likely were some self propelled ground vehicles, but if they were THIS widespread why didn't we see a single hint of them in FOE?
He stumbled into the activation field for a turret?
Yup.
I don't think I've mentioned recently how much I love Greaser, well it just went up, that whole bit was so adorably great. Seriously, how did you make a character composed of this much pure win?
You know, that just highlights what should have been an issue for a long time, shouldn't having just one big ass weapon on one side cause him to be really unbalanced?
Also, again, very nice handling of his claustrophobia. Able to forget it when needed, but as soon as his mind is drawn back to where he is, it springs right back, and just, all around nice handling.
Getting a tad poetic there Mach.
A constant hurricane, located in one spot? Given this is Equestria, I would totally buy that is possible, but would have one HELL of a story behind it.
Hmmm, just random attempts at world-building, bit of fleshing out the sky-lands a bit more. Or foreshadowing some more reveals about stuff from Mach's past that is going to come back to bite him?
SQUEEEEE!!! Say hi to Puppeh while you're there!
Also, I can by a fairly developed town forming, Friendship City after all, but this much trading traffic? Seems a bit to excessive for me to buy at this point in the Wastes. A few traders yes, but a steady enough supply for there to be a line of them coming in? Not really. Trade routes did not really exist, and larger caravans would be really hard to keep safe. Now yes there are ponies doing it, but hardly this many and this steady about it. When near the end of FOE, there was a pretty good scene where Littelpip saw some of the impact she'd been having on the Wastes through the fact that ponies really were starting to create actual, steady trade routes between the various places she'd helped. That she'd made the region safe enough for ponies to be able to do that. Even without that, just, feels, as I said, a tad to excessive. Not really bad but, ehh could just be YMMV or some personal bug.
Why? What kind of 'backflips' what was up with the smile. Was he just so damn sexy even Mach was sucked into that smile, kind of a Jack Harkness thing? Is he already feeling a bit of jealousy over a pony paying attention to Greaser? Just a really evil looking smile? Without anything more to go on, I'm adding this to the "reasons to be sure something nefarious is going on here" pile.
HEY! The only thing 'crappy' about New Appleloosa is the fucking dickwad running the place.
Hmmmmmm......so Griffons are German? Makes sense, have always figured they most fit for a central or Eastern European slot for closest comparison to comparison to IRL regions.
Stupid Latin correspondence course! I see what you did there.
Still, have you tried speaking Equestrian? Maybe she understands that.
And she was just fucking with Mach. I approve, he still needs a few more holes poked in that ego of his.
Hmmm, so is Obsidian another Griffon merc group like the Talons?
Forbidden fruit Mach, forbidden fruit. So, Mach's got a taste for the exotic? This could go interesting, and comedic, places
Pretty much all of which were you're own damn fault. Or at least the Enclave in general's fault, not the griffons'.
Yup definitely at least a few cracked ribs.
Again, no issue with a mostly successful and fairly large wasteland settlement. It does make sense there'd be a few that get lucky, especially with a base like this to build up on, and enough forces to keep the Raiders and bandits at bay. Still thing the shear amount of traders is pushing it a little though.
And that is even more of a stretch. What are they trading with? how are there enough large places to make this viable to have this level of trade? I do like seeing parts of the waste that aren't utter shit, and where ponies have managed to do well for themselves, but this comes off as a little to well compared to everything we saw in FOE.
Right up until the sinister secret of this town rears up and takes a bite out of your ass.
Wait..... the Enclave have actually come down and tried to make deals with him?
Ummmm, no, that's kind of the whole meaning behind being a Dashite. Granted in Mach's case... yeah he's still a bit to programmed with Enclave propaganda. But still, having a Dashite around could come in handy.
Hmmm, so, Greaser or Grease Gun, which is her actual name, and which the nickname?
You know, if I was generous, I could say that being nearly strangled to death caused some oxygen deprivation to his brain, making him a bit slow... but no, no... this is just is natural inability to see the bloody obvious. Still, what would The Enclave be doing talking to surface dwellers?
Hmmmm, "I think"? been so long she can't remember, or the type that gets so wrapped up in tinkering on stuff when she is at home that she forgets stuff like eating?
Plus she can just waltz into the big boss' office on a whim, talk to him like she did.. yeah there is something more going on between them. So just how close to him is she? Doubt it's anything romantic... but maybe parental? He took her in and looked out for her when she was young? Or, is she just really useful to them?
About what I was expecting. So yeah the type that just gets so lost in her work she doesn't care about anything else.
And somewhere, Twilight Sparkle is having a total nervous breakdown at Greaser's idea of 'sorting'.
Gee whose fault is that? So, guessing they have access to a working Stable. Or at least were able to move all the important stuff out of one. Maybe that's the think out in the bay? The entrance to it?
...........................................................
Oh crap. And yet, if this was a Unity Alicorn, why would they knock? But how....
Wait.. wait...... okay story, okay that.. that was freaking BRILLIANT! And.. yeah it does fit. We know that The Goddess sent ponies out to try and convert others. (Though they'd all been regular ponies she'd managed to contact through her telepathy.) Sending actual Alicorns out... yeah, that would work. At this point in the main story, Alicorns were just starting to become a major, open presence and directly take a hoof in dealing with things. So timing is right for her to be trying this. Their natural ego held in check by their orders to make nice and win over other ponies. Just... hilariously, and brilliantly done story. Great job.
Just be glad she is such an awesome pony.
Celestia damnit Mach... why? WHY!? Don't! Taunt! MURPHY! (Or would it be Marephy?) Now the universe has to make sure something goes wrong, just to spite you for thinking that.
SQUUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's official!!!
Okay so, all caught up... which means now it's time for me to start pestering you for more. REWRITE FASTER! DON'T MAKE ME GET THE WHIP!
Still great chapter, few minor issue for me, but on the whole, great set up of the area, some interesting new characters.. and I can't help but notice that the story's title image has Mach with Greaser, and a rather large Griffon........... Still, nothing much more to say beyond Greaser is awesome, and look forward to seeing where this is going. SOON!
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Perhaps. Perhaps not. Time will tell.
Like I said before, Greaser's my favorite and I think it shows in my writing. I just love the idea of a character who always sees the bright side of things, especially one that's been brought up in an atmosphere that's depressing and miserable.
This scene was better in my head.
You're hitting pretty close to an old bit of world building that I'm still figuring out how to work into the rewrite.
This is Australian slang, so those not familiar with their mannerisms won't necessarily pick up on it. It's common to refer to something as [x] as for emphasis. In case you hadn't already guessed, Greaser is an Aussiepone.
Boopers tested poorly with focus groups and some readers (and my editor). It was recommended that if I do elect to keep it in the story, that I make it a nickname and not something serious.
I figure there's a period of adjustment but you'd get used to it after a while. I don't imagine the coilgun as something that would be incredibly heavy to carry in any event, more of an inconvenience like a real-world equivalent of a machine gunner lugging around an M240 or something similar.
Answers to both of these much sooner than you expect.
World building for Outlaw was very threadbare in the original because I'm not quite so good at it. I've been taking strides to improve that and I had a bit of a knee-jerk reaction to how paper thin Outlaw's setting was and fluffed it up considerably.
Like an "I know something you don't know" smile.
I pin them as a European conglomerate but primarly German. Something about them has always left me with that feeling, I can't quite describe it. A friend of mine goes the Eastern European route with his griffon character, now that you mention it.
YES HAHA
Finally someone picks up on it, and of course it would be one of the only other Dresden readers that also reads my story.
Basically, yes. Though just like taking my story to a different location, I wanted full freedom to do what I wanted without working within the confines of the established Talons.
It also helps that the city doesn't have a huge radioactive crater at its center like certain other cities.
Soon. Soooooon.
You'll have to forgive him, he has some demons. He's also a huge crab.
Grease Gun is her real name but she doesn't like it, which is why she's rechristened herself as Greaser.
Ding. There's a reason I always call him dadbird when I talk about him to other people.
Heh, this triggered my editor and he left a note saying as much during his pass.
Oh thank god I thought I was going to get so much text telling me why this was a bad and terrible idea.
pls no :c
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They have no sense of fun. That is the BEST name ever for a pony gang. Sure it's not one I'd take seriously as the main, big threat. But as a side gang of raiders just doing their thing? Pure, win.
Well, it's one of those that.. I could make arguments agsint it, but also arguments for it. About 50\50 on the logic of it working. But what tips it into "Yeah that works" is just how hilarious awesome the image of Unity Witness alicorns going door to door is. The Goddess really does believe she is doing what is best for pony kind. That she is saving them through this. The making them Alicorns is the greatest kindness she can give. (Also why I consider her Corrupted Kindness, her telling Lil'pip she was, was just the Goddess fucking with her head.) So sending her children out to try and simply convince others that it is right, that joining Unity is the best thing for them. It does rather work. The only major issue is the shear level of ego and pride and cackling "Mwuhahahaha!" the Alicorns tend to have. But that is when facing ponies they are trying to actively fight, or ones they have already written off as worthless. I could see her giving the Alicorns she sends out on these types of missions orders to be polite at all costs. To make a good impression, to convince ponies that this truly is the best option. Rather then risk a fight that might get her children killed when she might not need it.
Also at this point she knows Redeye has a nice sharp knife he is just waiting for the right moment to stick into her back, so could also be hoping to find a replacement for him as well. So, yeah overall, it's an idea that could, and couldn't work, and would all come down to execution, but the shear idea of it is to awesome and hilarious not to love if done well.
Also, if you don't want the whip, then get a typing.
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I can see why you'd probably think Air Raid hasn't really changed much at all, but it's honestly just lighthearted teasing, not sincere attempts at pursuing a relationship. He's not a spurned psycho lover anymore, he's a close friend. I guarantee you'll see that pretty soon.
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That was something I wanted to make sure I did the second time around, because things started getting out of hand in the later chapters. What I did when I rewrote was split existing content into separate chapters. These first three chapters were originally one and so on and so forth. I've been trying to keep new content relatively concise without sacrificing quality.
That's pretty much the name of the game here. How badly can I screw my protagonist and still have him walk away.
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The way it went before, Mach and the sisters flew out to Maripony, Gust got waxed and they retreated back to base only for the remaining sister to turn on Mach. He kills her, makes a final report to Astral and bumps into his old man on the way out, who has by now found the corpse. Charges are leveled, Mach flees, is pursued by Wonderbolts and crashes on Ponyville's riverbank.
So all in all, I feel it's a marked improvement on the old version.
It's down to luck of the draw (or lack thereof) in this case. By sheer chance he's never had a recon flight that's taken him over a major settlement like Fillydelphia or Manehattan or Friendship City. The closest thing he's experienced was a rather eventful flight over the Ruins of Canterlot.
Time for me to poke the writer? You dead? New chapter soon?
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i'm tryiiiiiiiiiing T^T
All these authors not updating is giving me a case of the depressies. I'm trying to push through it and it really doesn't help that I decided to do three times the amount of work with this chapter compared to the others.
You'll see why once I update. Remember: I won't give up on you guys if you guys don't give up on me. All I can ask for is your continued patience.
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Ah you have no idea how much this lifted my spirits. I'd had a really bad day yesterday, it was nice to see this upon checking FiMFic.
Yay, hi new friend. c:
I do, yeah, for the most part. Healing potions aren't as powerful in Outlaw as they are in other stories, is another thing. They work more like hemostatics.
I think what makes it seem unrealistic is how detailed the scene is. It seems like the events are taking longer than they actually are, when in reality it's over in seconds. There are plenty of war stories of disemboweled people winding up being uncomfortably aware that they're holding their own intestines, though most people go into shock with injuries that severe and die shortly after if not treated immediately.
I think you're the first to pick up on the fact that those lines were a song reference,
I don't know how this happened or where I saw it, because I looked up the lyrics to make sure I had it right, saw "noose" and thought to myself: "This is stupid, news makes way more sense. How am I supposed to make this sound good in context?" I forever damn whatever source I found that directed me against my own ears.
Don't. Ever. The only reason I even link to it is so I can prove to people that I have what it takes to finish writing a story.
I'm working on it, Scout's Honor. Next chapter(s) kicks off the plot big time. I know it may be hard to believe considering it's been so long since the last update, but there's a very good reason for that. I've been working towards building up a buffer so this never happens again, or if it does, the delay won't be quite so long as this.
Believe me when I say it was a lot worse before this.
It's reassuring to hear that. Most people find him abrasive to the point of being incorrigible and are turned away by that. More still are turned away by the fact that he doesn't have a vagina, but that's neither here nor there.
pls stick around forever
7298777 Gasp! You replied days ago and I never got the notification. I was refreshing Fimfic like every few hours waiting for it, too. :C
I'm sorry you had a bad day
yesterdaya week ago. :c Since we're friends now, I added you on Skype and you can feel free to request my snuggly comforting hug services at any time. <3 Or just, y'know, talk, if that's your thing. Or both. I like both.This prompted me into some research about shock and disembowelment. Fun! Basically, if your intestinal tract is the only part that gets torn out, and the blood loss isn't enough to cause shock, you can survive through several hours of gruesome pain. I can't imagine what that would be like. Truly a fascinating once-in-a-lifetime experience.
And what does it take? Please tell me the secret. D:
Well, yeah, he seems like a teenager with an attitude problem, but his problem isn't my problem, you know? I don't have to deal with him. Plus, he's not a bad stallion, just a dick, and it seems pretty obvious (or maybe I'm just projecting my hopes and dreams) that he'll learn to care about others more and keep his dickness to himself.
wow you could at least buy me dinner first gosh
NOOOO IT WAS GETTING GOOOOOD...
*sniffles and curls up into a ball*
Now I have to wait...
*shivers*
Hmmm, looking back at the last updated mark... not sure how long next chapter will take..
Probably one of the best FOE's I've read, nice feel to it.
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Workin on it. Hang in there for me!
im literally dying. it been like 32 weeks without a new chapter...
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I'M SORRY I'M TRYING
...At least you haven't been waiting all 32 weeks like everyone who got here before you?
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true, I am thankfull for that
7508366
so, wazzup.
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I know I know, I'm being a dragass, I'm sorry. I'm going to try to double-time it before the end of the month though, I swear on my dead grandmother who I love more than anything in the world.
Nice avatar, by the way. I drive a 1991 S13 myself. Same color. fi.somethingawful.com/safs/smilies/f/0/getin.001.gif
7569971 are you completely rewriting the story or mearly editing it? just wondering is all.
7569971 oh yea, that car is a rc car, but i have a 240sx in my garage.
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Only the first 3.5 chapters are edited, the rest is 100% rewritten word for word. There's new content, some characters and plot elements have changed slightly but it still follows the same storyline as the original.
and theres no rush, just seeing whats up. i went and read memories and now im back.
7570489 cool
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The S13 is a 240sx :V
It's the chassis code for 1989-1995 240s. 1995-1998 are S14s.
The only pictures I have of it are the one from when I bought it 5 years ago, and from when I pulled the gauge cluster out to test my speedo after it died again.
7570508 lol, I didnt even know that. cool.
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It's really only confusing if you try to switch from one version to the other. Really the only reason I have the original version up is so people know I have the chops to finish a story. Otherwise I'd have taken it down for good.
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I'm glad you think so. c: