I really liked the dogfight with Gust and Gale, it was easy to follow and easy to visualize. All the maneuvers they were doing, what Mach was feeling, and what he was thinking. It felt a little like I was reading some sort of ponified novelization of Top Gun, but with lasers.
And it's nice to see that Mach's made a friend. I like Greaser so far, and I hope there's a lot more of her in the next chapter.
Okay, spirits. Well, Pegasi were painted as mostly atheistic in FOE, BUT that really is just going by Calamity, who could be in the minority.
Mhm, I lean on the fact that our only source of information is Calamity quite a bit. After all, he's only one pony and it's been quite a while since he was living above the clouds, so some things may have changed that he isn't aware of. It gives me a nice bit of wiggle room to do some things differently.
Granted given the set up, logic wont mater because he's not 'supposed' to be living at home still.
A good friend of mine is actually former USAF, and I've consulted with him on a few things for accuracy. According to him it's perfectly normal for officers to commute to/from their own homes to base in order to work, which is why Mach isn't slumming it in a barracks.
Rain... above the clouds? Also, why would they NEED rain?
It's not that they need it, it's more of a traditional thing. Keeping the weather management aspect of pegasi society alive, as well as providing jobs for civilians and offering a change from 24/7 sunny weather.
Given it was pretty well stated that it was 0 in FOE, at least according to Calamity. That all they did was a once a year flyover,
Twice a year, IIRC. But in Outlaw, things have changed a little bit since Calamity has left the Enclave. More on that later. As for supply retrieval, I don't think it's that far out of the question. After all, the Enclave went to war with the griffons over resources once theirs started to dwindle. I don't think it's too farfetched to have a few surface recovery teams.
Isn't that REALLY redundant?
NO IT'S CLASSY! Basically what I did was use the one time Rarity called herself 'Rarity the Unicorn' and made that the "proper" way of introducing oneself. It sort of jammed in my headcanon.
why would mach need to 'find a place to move out'?
It's not that he needs to, his dad just wants him out of the damn house. Despite all appearances, Mach actually quite enjoys living with his parents and sister and really doesn't want to live on his own.
Or, is there On Base housing, but ponies that can afford it just prefer homes that they don't have to worry about random inspections in and they have the freedom to actually own?
Bingo!
Or, just a natural outgrowth of them spending all their time up in the sky that they'd grow attached to the stars?
Again, hit the nail right on the head there.
I'm glad you like it so far, and I can only guess as to how your reactions to the coming chapters will be. I'm glad to see you decided to stop by! Truly I underestimated Bobulator's powers of persuasion.
Mhm, I lean on the fact that our only source of information is Calamity quite a bit. After all, he's only one pony and it's been quite a while since he was living above the clouds, so some things may have changed that he isn't aware of. It gives me a nice bit of wiggle room to do some things differently.
Very true. While he was rather high up in the Enclave, knew more then most ponies would, he hardly could have known everything, and would expect things to change as they realized what Redeye was up to and started making plans for the attack on him.
It's not that they need it, it's more of a traditional thing. Keeping the weather management aspect of pegasi society alive, as well as providing jobs for civilians and offering a change from 24/7 sunny weather.
Huh... yeah that does make sense.
As for supply retrieval, I don't think it's that far out of the question. After all, the Enclave went to war with the griffons over resources once theirs started to dwindle. I don't think it's too farfetched to have a few surface recovery teams.
Yeah, could definitely see them doing it, so long as it was kept rather low key, nothing TO massive. Just a few scouts grabbing what they can in areas away from ground ponies. Maybe even setting up a proxy on the surface, a merchant contracting explores and scavengers to trade things they do have, like food, for resources they need, while they stay out of sight. Plenty of wiggle room for that.
NO IT'S CLASSY! Basically what I did was use the one time Rarity called herself 'Rarity the Unicorn' and made that the "proper" way of introducing oneself. It sort of jammed in my headcanon.
Eh, fair enough. Though I just lump that under one off oddness due to writing glitches, like her calling Pinkie "Miss Pie." in the last ep. Still seems redundant when every pony is a pegasus.
I'm glad you like it so far, and I can only guess as to how your reactions to the coming chapters will be. I'm glad to see you decided to stop by! Truly I underestimated Bobulator's powers of persuasion.
1. We'll find out soon.. hopefully, stupid random work hours.
2. He dangled Frosty being adorable in front of me, and threatened to make her sad if I didn't. How could I let that happen?
Either that, or just asked nicely, but the first option sounds better. Alright onto the actual first chapter.
Now, because he's risen high enough to be told this, figured it out on his own, or some other reason?
Well like I said earlier, Calamity having left gives me a little bit of wiggle room. You'll see soon enough why, and there's further explanation in chapter 5.
I never thought of that.. rainclouds for showers.... and yet, it makes so much sense.
I have a lot of fun coming up with creative ways for the Enclave pegasi to incorporate their weather-based magical talents. I like to think that the shower clouds are enchanted to produce hot water on demand.
Wait.. from where? Does he just.. keep it in the pocket of his flight jacket all the time?
Best not to think about it too much. It wasn't entirely plot relevant so I didn't go to great lengths to make the toothbrush's presence clear. The act of a non-unicorn brushing their own teeth is complicated enough to begin with.
Okay.... now I really want to know what counts as 'country' for the Enclave? Are there entire communities in the middle of nowhere? Or, are they the ponies that live near and work on the SPP farms?
Got it yourself.
"Learning to fly as a foal" flight school, or "Learning how to fly in formation and other military stuff" flight school?
Learning to fly. Sort of like above preschool but before kindergarten. Previously, Mach was a terrible flier as a colt, but I'm sort of steering away from that this time around.
Now, would that be a farm that grows stuff on clouds, or a farm that grows clouds? After rock farming being a thing, neither of those would surprise me.
Duster's family pretty much tends to one of the many SPP farms.
I would really love to learn some of those, but I get the impression, actually getting anything close to a comprehensive list would make this story rival the abomination for length, before even getting into the actual story.
Oh you'll get a few here and there. Outlaw has a similar mechanic to Memories in that Mach recounts tales of his past life to his party members. It's how I further develop his character as well as the ponies he's related to and was friends with, as well as building upon what little we know of the Enclave from the original.
Only a three pony crew? That does make sense for a squad, though would figure there'd be more to it then just three of them. Mostly just curious as to the overall set up and organization at play here.
He's had command of quite a few ponies on previous occasions, two of which we'll see later on in the story. But for what he does on a daily basis, he doesn't need a very large squad size.
Well, that was more pleasant then the whole "Frigid glare" implied. More or less. So, just how 'complicated'? Did you get really really drunk one night, and are just glad you DON'T remember what went on?
You're actually right on the money with that guess. However, there's a lot more to it than that. Again, it's something that's explored later in the story.
This does raise the question of why she's allowed to be his CO, and also, how she rose to be not only a colonel, but also in charge of a base.
It's a healthy dose of both nepotism+a high-ranking father combined with a military record loaded with achievements. She's not as good a soldier as her big brother, but she's one of the best when it comes to logistics and other non-combat military work. I could have just as easily written the story with her every bit as regular as Mach, but I really liked the idea of an accomplished younger sister and a slacker of an older brother.
On Mach as a character...
Very thorough analysis. While most of what you say is correct, you'll see soon enough that Mach isn't quite there yet. He's still grown up in an indoctrinated society, and it's going to take a little time to bring his character down to earth, which is a big part of the story. I throw hurdle after hurdle at him to steadily tear down the fundamental core of personality just so that I can build him back up into the pony he'll be by the end of the story.
Okay, sister I saw, younger? How old is Mach!?
27 in human years. So yes, Astral is very very young for her rank, but Mach is just about right.
Okay, so how close to Operation: Cauterize are we? Given the front synopsis, have to be within a few weeks, since we know Littlepip is active in the Wastes. So, is this just prepping for the Redeye confrontation they are planning to have anyway, or has she set off the SPP alarms and they are getting ready for the full invasion?
Ooh, here's the first time that I think I've actually tripped you up. We're not very close to Cauterize or Sunshine and Rainbows at all. Outlaw runs concurrent with FoE, and ends during the battle of Sunshine and Rainbows. In a couple chapters you'll know right where we are and also see that Mach's character development has a long way to go from here.
Oooookay, well cant say I'm surprised they'd want to keep an eye on any potentially rebellious officers. But is this just general "He's a maverick, we can't trust him' type risk or a 'we know he's up to something' type risk?
It's a "we definitely suspect he and his father are up to something" type risk. Remember Mach's mini panic attack in the prologue? That's why the only members of the family under suspicion are Mach and his father. They're the only two involved in the matter.
Okay, I wa liking the story before, Now I am SO damn into it. Just, damn does this story grab you hard and suck you in. Just the characters alone are so freaking engaging, add on the building tension, knowing what is coming, but wondering when, seeing the build up, not just from the Enclave side, but some low ranking grunt who has no idea about the bigger deal?
So, guessing he screws something up in the run tonight, question will be how, why, and, hell there are SO many questions. Damn this is getting good, and it's just starting.
While most of what you say is correct, you'll see soon enough that Mach isn't quite there yet.
I kind of figured, that was more looking at his core archetype. The basic idea of who he is deep down. Rather expect he's got a few layers of Enclave BS to still see through yet. You don't get over a life time of propaganda easily. But that he's got the potential to do so and why is also pretty clear.
So yes, Astral is very very young for her rank,
That is one hell of an understatement. Also, okay Mach is a bit older then I thought. Figured early twenties for him, but that age makes sense too. But, while that would be utter, no way in hell BS for a 'real' military (As in real world one) being that high ranked that young, can just barely buy it here. It is plausible, if not likely. But, is helped she's not a combat officer, or in anyway close to any front lines. But rather doing paperwork at a desk and, as you said, logistics. So yeah can buy it. I mean, it's not like ANYTHING would ever be insane enough to attack The Enclave's most heavily fortified and largest base, in the middle of their territory, just while the vast majority of their fleet is far away and to engaged with other forces or damaged to provided more help to it. No, that's just impossible.
Ooh, here's the first time that I think I've actually tripped you up. We're not very close to Cauterize or Sunshine and Rainbows at all.
Well, if, as I'm assuming, this is going on about the same time as Littlepip leaving the Stable. Then I am still right in that they are only a few weeks from it. Littlepip's entire journey, from Leaving Stable 2, to entering the SPP only took ~2 months, and the last few weeks of it was dealing with The Enclave. So we'd still be only 5 or 6 weeks from it. So
Plus, guessing you meant Battle of Fillydelphia? Since there wasn't any "Battle of Sunshine and Rainbows." There was Fillydelphia, where Littlepip got into the SPP. A day or two later, the Battle of Dragon Mountain as the surviving forces grouped up and made a run at Spike for revenge. Then a bit after that, or about that time, The Day of Sunshine and Rainbows. Since it Took Littlepip a while to both work out how to control the SPP, and to figure out just how much and what parts of the cloud cover she could safely remove to restore sunlight to the majority of the surface, while at the same time not send the pegasi into an instant famine by taking out to much of their farmland.
That's why the only members of the family under suspicion are Mach and his father. They're the only two involved in the matter.
Kind of figured that was the case, just know so little about what it was, wasn't sure how to bring it up.. thought I should but, meh.
Speaking of, so was it just all the pegasi with a country accent all got shipped off to do the farm work cause, well they're country I'm sure they know how to farm. Or, did they just spontaneously develop the accent after becoming farmers? That would also explain AJ's accent as well.
In my case it's more of a stereotype. You sort of expect someone from a rural area to talk with a lazy drawl. The fact that so many ponies in FoE speak that way is just an unfortunate coincidence.
QT mark stuff
This was well, well before the show explored the concept of cutie marks in the S3 finale. I wasn't entirely convinced that a pony is fated to have their entire life revolve around the picture on their butt, but the show sort of shut me up and made it crystal clear that there's really no fighting it.
Not sure if meant as subtle reinforcement of just how wrong this entire situation is with the Enclave depriving such simple joys from all other ponies. Setting up what small things Mach is about to lose that he took for granted and has to face others never having known. Or simply, just him enjoying himself a little and not really anything larger then that? Either way, works well.
Both, actually. He'll be missing it quite a bit soon enough.
Okay, guessing that is Celsius. So, converting, mid 60's. Okay, for me that's perfect weather, but for most, that seems rather chilly. I do think it's not the least bit out of the question for pegasi to be resistant to cold. But even then, hardly think that counts as 'balmy'.
Yeah, I figured that even though I prefer imperial units that it would be a lot easier narrative-wise to go with the metric system. Kkat did a lot of distance measuring with "yards" and that doesn't sit quite right with me. This was all before I had the idea to just find->replace every instance of foot/feet with hoof/hooves, so I could've gone ahead and used imperial units anyway.
Why would he need to look? If he knew it was her personal tank, wouldn't he have seen it before now?
He knew she had one but had never actually seen which one it was specifically, since they're all relatively similar looking. Military and assembly line equipment, y'know.
Now, by 'base' does he mean all of Neighvarro itself?
Well originally, the beginning of the story took place in a smaller base around a seperate SPP tower. I sort of moved everything to Neighvarro because it didn't make sense to me that the Enclave would have a large military deployment at a small weapons R&D institute.
That description, that mark... 'Doc'... If he tries to talk Mach into pulling this new cart he's outfitted with a Flux Capacitor up to 88 miles an hour..... I'm not sure if I'm out of here, or if this would officially become THE most awesome story ever.
It was a simpler time three years ago. Lots of references was the cool (and often expected) thing to do. I sort of drifted away from that quite a bit in the rewrite, though Doc lingers on.
Hmmm, was kinda of figuring he'd have to take out a bit more then that.
I had a lot of misgivings about the ScoutBuck during the rewrite, too. I actually never used it all that often at all in the original, enough to the point where it may as well have not even existed. I've seriously toned down a lot of its functions recently, and now pretty much its entire purpose is to be a navigational system for Mach.
Hmmmm, was it on a trip under the clouds, or did a group of them come up?
Oh, you'll see. Patience.
Going to be a bitch to find ammo for it if he tries to carry it around all story. Not to mention awkward. So yeah, either he'll have a very useful, but limited weapon.
It has extremely limited ammunition. I think maybe twenty shots all told? It doesn't get used all that much, it's more of an emergency button.
Wait, JUST the tower? Hmm, good question here.. does that shield cover ALL of Neighvarro, or just the core around the SPP tower?
I took it to mean only the SPP tower itself was protected, but it's been three years since I've read FoE so I'm a little fuzzy on some specifics.
And, is "Neighvarro Tower" just the name for the SPP hub? Or another structure?
references can be awesome if used well and done subtly, in a way that stil makes them make perfect sense in context. The ideal reference is one where if you don't get the reference, you wouldn't even notice it existed or felt like anything was out of place. And yeah Doc was awesome. Agree limiting the Scout Buck would have felt a bit better it's not a major deal and not really 'bad' as is. But yeah, would have liked a more toned down version a bit better. Still a great idea though.
With the base, yeah it is completely something that happens that a larger base will have separate sub bases with their own chain of command. So it could still be at Neighvarro and make sense for her to be in command of it. If any Enclave sire would be large enough to have that kind of dividing up, it's that one.
Plus, this adds something more to the mix as well that you wouldn't have if it was it's own little thing all on it's lonesome. Worrying about all these ponies and what will happen to them when Littlepip drops by for a nice little chat.
The shields, there were two of them. The tower itself has it's own shield that The Enclave couldn't get through. It was the one Littlepip needed Spike to roast him to get past. They also had another shield of their own over the base that Spike ripped right through when they attacked. But yeah, it could have just been over the core of the base immediately around the Tower, rather then every single part of it given how big the base is....
I'll get to the next one soon.... stupid, long, middle of the day work hours.... and after today's yeah bad idea to start going off on stream of consciousness writing. But SOON!
6610794 Ahhh I'm glad to see you back before Fallout 4 drops and everyone disappears for a week.
And this whole thing started just after dawn, and what he went through couldn't have taken more then a few hours so, wow you were totally passed the fuck out.
Had to take some fast forwarding liberties for the sake of brevity here. The last thing I wanted to do was lose reader interest before things even get started by throwing boring military rigamarole at them.
I'd ask if they ever swapped mane styles just to fuck with people, but the impression I' getting so far seems to say they don't have enough of a sense of humor to care about trying it.
On Canterlot alicorn lethality and the Enclave's assessment thereof:
Here I've got the Enclave seeing Canterlot alicorns as less lethal (but still very deadly) because their connection to Unity is severed. They can't share knowledge and adapt to attacks as effectively as Unity alicorns can, which hampers them a bit. Remember how progressively more difficult it got for Pip to take down alicorns because each time she did, they learned a little something?
On Mach's outlook of the Wasteland and its inhabitants:
This was something I think I took a bit of a risk on. Very few people are keen to read a story with a protagonist who appears outwardly unsympathetic. Even in the proper context, growing up in an indoctrinated populace, that still gives people pause. I however, think it's a ripe opportunity to really show how much a character can progress over the course of a story. To go from a jaded asshole to a selfless hero not unlike Littlepip I think makes for a strong and interesting narrative and few people are really willing to give you a chance to see how it plays out.
Going to be interesting seeing how Mach's story weaves around Littlepip's without crossing in anyway that would stand out as odd to not have been mentioned in FOE.
without crossing in anyway that would stand out as odd to not have been mentioned in FOE
without crossing in anyway
Hooboy.
Hello massive plot hook.... that I have NO damn clue where to even begin guessing at, but so can't wait to start finding out hints for it.
First hint's in chapter seven. Good luck finding it, it's so subtle that even returning readers miss it.
Also really love the complicated relationship these two have, and how well it's used and made clear. Just great job on that one.
I get along really well with my dad, so most of this is coming from shows and cartoons I've seen where one sibling is clearly favored over another.
And this is why, for all the wanting to smack him for his BS about the surface ponies, I do love Mach.
Right there's the most important theme the story explores. Family, and the importance thereof.
Why in the bucking nine layers of Tartarus, was he allowed to keep his gun!? Why the hell would they let somepony being interrogated for treason keep a weapon on him!?
HOLLYWOOD
JAMES BOND VILLAIN LEVEL INEPTITUDE
Also rather glad he didn't do a Rainboom, but will get into that later.
Step number one in un-mary sue-ing Mach. He's capable of it, but I've made it far more difficult and less of a plot device this time around.
Next chapter's a little short and uneventful, as it used to be rolled together with bits of chapter five and the opening half of chapter seven. Something like 50% of chapter five and 100% of six are new content.
6617322 FO4- Well, don't need to worry about me disappearing for it. Would so LOVE to be playing it, but don't have a comp that can run it, and can't really afford a brand new one that can. Hopefully after tax returns I can get it.
As to the rest, yes, it i a risk to have him acting like that, that agsint the surfacers, looking down on them that badly. And, can't say I like that aspect of him at all, and, do feel kind of uncomfortable about it. However, at the same time, I think it works. By that point we had known enough about Mach, seen enough of him to get a good idea of what type of pony he was, to see that he is a good hearted pony deep down, that he does try to be a good pony. Isn't some heartless bastard. And at the same time, know how pervasive the Enclave propaganda likely is. Know that that is a large part of why he feels that way. That he really doesn't KNOW a whole lot about the surface beyond what the Enclave told him, and what little he's seen from the air, which removes a lot of context.
We can see why he thinks the way he does, and while knowing he's wrong, it makes sense why he can't see that. At the same time, we know enough about mach, to be sure that once he's forced to face the lies and propaganda, see things directly, get to know the truth, he's extremely likely to overcome them. To accept the changes in his world view. It's a pretty major fault for him, and something that is rather distasteful, but it's something we know he is going to overcome, and want to see him do so. Want to see him become a better pony. So, while yeah it might have been laid on a LITTLE thicker then needed. I do think it works well, so long as it's not going to be to overplayed and hammered over and over to the point of becoming ridiculous.
That said, one thing that did strike me as really odd, was just how quickly the narrative went from "Damn pathetic surface dwellers." to "Whelp, guess I gotta go live on the surface." I do get why he made the decision, but, it just feels like it came up way to fast after how he was talking about them. Not from a character stand point really, but more a narrative one, it slipped gears a little to fast and caused some grinding. Maybe, just a better look at his thought s leading up to the decision? Resignation, just.. feels like there is a slight bit of transition missing between those two. It's not really bad, and still done really well and makes sense. But leaves just a vague sense of, not quite working as well as everything else.
With the Alicorns, agree that fits the Enclave. They get an idea in their head, and simply go with it. And always tend to both underestimate their enemies, and over estimate themselves. "Oh, Canterlot Alicorns have no Hive Mind? They must be weaker." Which, yeah valid points, but it ignores the bonuses they gain. Being more individualistic means they become less predictable, better able to adapt on the fly, and gain a stronger sense of self preservation. So they gin their own pros to balance it out. But, that, does really fit the Enclave mindset to ignore that.
Rather glad that the story will be exploring family, it's a topic the original didn't really have much to touch on about, and Mach's family presents a rather great array of relationships, all with their own charm. And just all around love how well the dynamics come to life between them, they really do feel like a family, even with the antagonism between mach and his dad.
Hooboy
Hey, I qualified that statement for a reason.
The Rainboom. Yeah, him popping one off that easily that early, seems rather extreme. Showing him able to do it, but still struggling, much better. By now it was canon that Rainboom capable pegasi, while still rare, are not the one of a kind thing of Dash. Which makes sense, now that it is known, with 100% certainty it is possible, it follows more would figure out how to do it. And we know the Enclave has several who can do so. So that in and of itself, not TO huge a deal. But using it easily, casually, yeah that could over do it. So, have to say it was a good choice. Establishes he can do one, under ideal circumstances at least, without going to far and making it to easy for him.
And the simple fact the even after my nearly as long as the chapter commentaries, I can still type up this much just analyzing the story, characters, everything about the story, after what is really just the first chapter (Split up but still), Is one reason I am loving this story, that there is just so MUCH there, so much clear thought put into things, everything feels so real, that it's easy to find this much to think about, and I LOVE IT!
6631485 Sorryyy, sorry. I'm one of those people that got caught up playing Fallout 4. For a week straight. Something like 72 hours logged and I only finished the main quest last night.
It's teeth.. were bared back, to reveal it's teeth? so it picked up some shark traits? Multiple rows of teeth and all?
T^T pls
This (and all of the previous Outlaw) predated my editor, who jumped on board for chapter seven. I like to think I do a pretty fine job self-editing my grammar and spelling, but there are places like this where I slip up. I've found since I gained an editor that I'm prone to word repetition, redundant metaphors and gratuitous use of commas to run sentences too long when they'd be better broken into two or more.
Well, there IS an in verse pony D&D equivalent, Oubliettes and Ogres. Guess Mach's played a few sessions of it?
I don't think it necessarily has to be died to D&D. The Dire Wolf was a real animal after all, it's just gone extinct. I like to think that in MLP's world of folklore creatures it wouldn't be too unreasonable for an extinct animal to still be amongst the living.
Okay, so it IS a case of the forest just being to cramped to fly right.
Yep, I try to play things a little more realistically than the show does. Show ponies can fly through the forest just fine, but in all reality anything larger than a bird would be awful hard-pressed to fly through a heavily wooded area without any trouble. Doubly so a tiny horse with wings.
Whelp, that's a dislocated wing. Mach won't be flying anywhere for a while. Nice job on that by the way, giving a way to keep him grounded, limited, in a way that makes sense and, WAY more exciting then just "He hurt it in the crash" but an injury he will recover from eventually.
I tend to also portray injury more seriously than most stories unless it's very important to the plot. Healing potions in Outlaw aren't magical cure-alls, either. They're merely powerful hemostatics used to halt massive blood loss.
When did you start? I mean, can totally believe he'd want to check it out, if only out of curiosity and nothing better to really do. But it never really came up like he was planning on it for it be something he is no longer concerned with. Sentiment is good but, wording feels odd to me. I see where it's coming from, just could have been done a bit more smoothly IMO. That said, so, is the story going to be Mach following along behind Littlepip?
Booboo. Again, no editor. That's a remnant from the old Outlaw that I missed with my pruning shears. From chapter 1-6 (barring parts of 4, 5 and a little of 6) the narrative just recieved a spitshine. 7+ is completely new, written from scratch based on my knowledge of the old story's events. You'll have to excuse some hiccups here and there.
How is Town Hall, a building in the middle of town, the closest to him as he comes into the town?
I think the disconnect here is that I used the map of Equestria when I thought out his approach. The river is right there at the lip of the forest, and on the other side of the river is the town square. Looking at the opening of the show however, you can see that there are a few houses on the forest side of the river.
Training kicking in. He knows how to handle stuff like this. He's clearly horrified at how disgusting this is, and yet, not letting it effect how he acts, not panicking, keeping himself under control, doing the smart thing and scanning for trouble. He knows how wrong this is, but is able to push that aside and do what he needs to.
Training can't prepare you for everything. c:
Mach is very human (pony?), and I try to drive that home as much as possible throughout the story. He's not a font of bravery; far from an idyllic comic book hero.
Yes, in the game it does, but in FOE, it comes in little juice boxes.
I honestly don't remember any mention or description of the container, so I just went with what I knew.
Busted Rattler
Mach treasures Rattler deeply, but you hit the nail on the head with unique weapons. I didn't want to get rid of it but I had to do something about it, so I just broke it. As you read you'll find that Mach will be relying more on his standard kit than either of his bigger weapons. I've "level locked" Rattler and he won't be able to use it again until much later in the story.
Littlepip
Their paths never actually cross, but we'll be seeing a few other friendly faces before Mach departs to Outlaw's setting to begin his own story. He just needs a little help in the right direction.
I'm very glad you're enjoying the story thus far. I can only hope that it continues to grow as I really break free of the old story's confines and flex my newfound writing muscles.
6643352 /jealous. so wish my comp could handle the game.
Yeah most of those are just either minor nitpicks, or simply having some snarky fun at a goof. Mostly the latter. If I have a real issue with something, you'll know, just ask Bobulator how well you'll know.... Mistakes happen.
With the Rad-Away, it wasn't said in the original one way or the other, but I just saw this pic of Littlepip drink rad away from a juice box, and it was just to damn adorable NOT to be true. Admit it, badass, Wasteland death machine, healing up some radiation damage, by taking a break to sip from a juice box is to cute and pony to not be a thing damnit.
And agree Healing potions aren't a cure-all. From what we saw in the original, and common sense, they mostly act as a turbo charge to magically speed up the repair of major soft tissue damage only. Something like a dislocated wing, yeah you are fucked, and would be better off not even trying one till you get it set right, or the tissue could heal wrong and make it even worse.
6643749 Oh don't be jealous, my PC can't handle it either. I got it for the Xbone. Some day though, after it drops by about $20 in price and I've upgraded my graphics card.
I think you'll have a bit more to touch on next chapter. It's borderline controversial content and I actually felt a little uncomfortable writing some of it.
You know with so many side-fics such as the Big Four, Oasis, Sisters, and now this and many more, it inspires me to continue my side-fic even against all of these! I'm just a bit shy on putting it in different groups nowadays...
Getting your name out there is everything. If you want to attract people you need to be willing to put your name out there yourself. I'm stubborn so I don't like to self-advertise, and it's limited my readership to word-of-mouth, which isn't that reliable in our little niche fandom.
I wish I could write faster for you guys but I spend too much time obsessing on everything being perfect. If it's any consolation, the new chapter should be done by the end of the month. I kind of need it to be.
6736766 I never thought to see the day the author would comment on my comment... Yeah, I'm feeling a bit self-advertisy here, but I'm on wait... revisions on eight fking chapters and I'm waiting patiently on my cover art! I don't want to advertise yet until the cover art is ready to go and I get Chapter IX up and ready!
Also your profile picture, does not help me in the slightest at all mate for I am laughing!
6736766 No, just working retail during the holiday season and a lot of other random crap coming up on me, sorry. But on the plus side, gives you more time to get more chapters out before I reach the end and start hounding you for them.
YAY Less then a month between replies! Hopefully.. less then a month between starting them, let's see how long it take to actually type it up.
So Mach is off on his Wasteland Adventure! Now to see how much pain and suffering he brings uon himself from both not knowing when to shut up, making stupid decisions, and taunting Murphy.
I was fairly certain that unconsciousness didn’t even count as sleep.
Not really... at least according to this one episode of House, and we all know how utterly perfect and extensive that show's teaching of medical stuff is. So to tired to sleep, or to paranoid, or just to emotional?
I stifled a huge yawn and cast a drowsy glance down at the Wasteland beneath me
OH! He's trying to fly and not pass out, thought he was trying to sleep and just couldn't. Mach, go find some place to curl up before you crash.... again.
I could see just well enough to know that my nose was level with the horizon and not facing straight at the ground.
Isn't that like, the ONE thing your Scout-Buck is actually good for? Or at least one of the few things.
I could have toggled on the ScoutBuck’s night vision spell, but enhanced visibility wasn’t explicitly necessary for high-altitude flight.
Okay so three things. Mapping, Flight orientation, and night vision. Wait, wouldn't that only effect one eye though? Also while true, Mach, you know somehow this is likely to screw you. Right?
I was going to have to find someplace to put down for the night before I fell asleep on the wing.
As I said, of course knowing you you'll nap in some raiders bed or something.
That said, my magically-heightened senses were picking up something I was not accustomed to dealing with. In fact, I avoided it at every turn when possible.
Huh? Ummm, thunderstorm, bad weather... wha?
Rain. I was flying headfirst into a storm, and a big one at that.
Okay, yeah that makes sense, so yeah good one story. Also, you just cannot catch a break can you mach? But really why are you trying to get to where others are? that stands a good chance of screwing you over somehow. Hell you are already on the air, I know you don't want to go above the clouds, but would it be that hard to grab a chunk of clouds from underneath and pull them away for a little floating bed? Or maybe a floating crib given you would likely roll off the thing.
carriages and autowagons
On the one hoof, FOE never mentioned any self propelled land vehicles. But on the other, Kkat did say it was one of things she does wish she had added after seeing the SSCS6K. And FOE didn't make them impossible. Though I'd expect them to be rather rare, mostly use for military purposes, not something you'd see just randomly littered around a middle of nowhere town.
I couldn’t make out the text on the building’s sign in the dark, and so had no way to determine what its purpose was.
"The Mach Trap Inn"?
Centuries of dust turned to wet muck as the puddle beneath my hooves steadily grew in size.
Okay, dust that thick is a good sign. Maybe you are alone here for a change.
Even that building in Ponyville wasn’t this dusty. Or the stable, for that matter.
No, the first was just covered in gore, blood, and entrails. But not dusty. Granted that's due to raiders traipsing around in it. The second, was sealed enough to prevent this much dust.
No, there had to be something in here that I could start a fire with.
Try looking to find a store room?
Cloudsdale Pledges Further Support to the War Effort;
The valiant pegasi of the City of Sun and Storm continue to enlist in record numbers
Hmmm, that is odd... given the last we heard about Cloudsdale was how they'd just elected an anti-war mayor and the citizenry was on the edge of telling recruiters to screw themselves. Or at least a chunk of them. Granted, Dash did make a mental note to talk to Pinkie about setting up an MoM hub there after finding this out so....... reaction to that? Ministries stepped in and made sure the Cloudsdale publicly presented a grand showing of unity and support? That.. is creepy and yet, I could see it working out that way.
It had been our capital once upon a time, but the zebras had bombed it into nonexistence with their very first megaspell strike.
Weeeelll... if you want to be technical.. they used a missile to take it out, not a bomb.
backbone of Equestria’s infantry forces
No..... no you weren't. That would have been the Steel Rangers. Pegasi where the Air Force, the flyers, not the ground pounding infantry. Yes still a backbone of the military in general, but not of the Infantry.
Without Equestria’s legions of shock troops at its disposal, the zebras had severely hampered our nation’s military strength.
Ummm, what? There was no more war after that day. Also, that would only cut off the supply of recruits, not the already trained ponies. It, had no real impact on Equestria's military, because by the end of the day, there pretty much was no more Equestria.
Losing Cloudsdale had also caused the pegasi to retreat above the cloud cover and close off the skies for good. Those striped bastards had planned things well.
Correct on the first part, on the second... not really. This was mostly them lashing out in panic with a "Better to die then be conquered" attitude and trying to take as many ponies as they could with them.
I’d heard about glue having some kind of chemical reaction with cotton that caused it to spontaneously combust. Hopefully it wasn’t all just a load of horseapples.
.......... One moment....
Holy shit that IS possible. Granted to have the best chance to work it requires one extra factor he forgot.... moisture. So yeah as damp as things are.. he could be good to go.
Dammit story making me learn. Twilight would approve.
I fumbled the cap off of the glue bottle and took it up in my mouth
Ohhh, Superglueing your fingers together is bad enough, but.. ouch.. ponies do have it rough sometimes.
I was rewarded for my troubles not with fire—but with nothing but a few curls of smoke.
Also how it usually comes out. While it IS possible to cause a fire this way, it's very rare and more likely to just create a lot of heat. Still, nice try.
“I wonder if the heat from a magical energy beam would be enough to get an ember going?”
.. Maybe.. if you don't just vaporize things instead.
Sliding my pistol free, I ejected the small spark cell .....
Okay, few issues here, one, why are you carrying the thing around with a dead battery? What good is an unloaded weapon out in the wastes? Now I could buy he just hadn't realized it was drained, but he doesn't even check, just pops it out. Second, when did he throw it inot the trash? You kind of missed a step there. Third, why the fuck would he toss it into where he was trying to make a fire!?
like these barely-civilized dirt munchers.
... Just a reminder Mach, I do like you overall... but you are still a bit of an asshole.
It was a nice cool morning following the storm,
Wait, no attack, no disaster, no massive crisis popping up to kick him in the balls? He actually got to just sleep through the night somewhere safe and secure? Mach, if I were you, I'd start worrying, it can only mean the universe is building up for something REALLY 'fun' for you.
a way to put water and food in my stomach.
Well, water shouldn't be to hard given the storm last night. Granted might not be pure, but easy enough to boil some to take care of that.
I truly hoped guilt was festering in his gut like a bad apple.
Definitely curious to see how a reunion would go. If his dad really doe care for mach and does regret this, or really is just a total asshole like mach seems to think.
A bright pink energy bolt streaked past my head close enough to singe my hair.
See, told you something was coming. Have fun.
I heard the distinctive crack of the weapon’s report a split-second later,
Why would an energy weapon make a 'crack' or anything that could be called a 'retort'?
They’d found me again? How had they tracked me so fast?
How did they find you in the first place? Their explanation made no sense. Also, so, actual Enclave pegasus out to get him, or some other self exile that thinks you are here to get her?
but I’d cross that bridge when I came to it.
Mach's planning in a nutshell. Just deal with what is going on right here and now, and trust you'll figure something out later if you need to. How's that been working out for ya dude?
I thought she’d gotten behind me, but in reality it had been two mares who looked exactly alike.
Though there might have been two ponies, but twins.. didn't suspect that one. Yeah have fun with this Machy. And gee, don't we know a set of twins that have a personal grudge against you?
Captains Gust and Gale
Yup, well, this is going to be interesting to get out of.
Made contact with who? What were these two lunatics talking about?
Good question, there is a LOT more going on then Mach knows. And of course, nopony realizes he is to damn clueless to actually know what they are talking about. Granted, might get them to slip up and tell him a few things he could use.
Cover his mouth, Gust. He’s going to scream.
Oh no... they aren't..... they.. they aren't.....
I heard as much as felt the sound of sizzling flesh.
Oh fuck.. they are.......
An eyelid twitched and red hot fury surged through me as I fixated on Gale’s grinning mouth
Ohhhh crap... they do not realize how fucked they are about to be......
You... murdered her!
He has one HELL of a good self-defense case to made for this. Also, that's what you get for spending time gloating.
I looked up to see a pair of Steel Rangers approaching us, bristling with ordnance.
You just cannot catch a freaking break Mach......
“It’s been a while since our Elder has heard from your commander,” one of the Rangers explained. “The lapse in communication is starting to piss him off.
Wait........WHAT!? What the... why.. how... okay okay.. this.. this had better have one hell of a good explanation for it..... But... WHAT!? Yes there are a lot of idea for how this might work out, but still.... not sure which to go with right now.
I couldn’t even begin to fathom why Enclave troopers would work with Steel Rangers, let alone conduct operations groundside for any length of time.
I'm with you on this one Mach. This makes, no sense, at all. This is so counter to everything about the Enclave AND the Rangers... still, going to be interesting finding out what the full story is.
That bitch! She was trying to convince them to get rid of me in exchange for her cooperation!
Like you would expect anything else. Also, so now whose the traitor to the Enclave?
Time to jet.
Red Dwarf Plan Alpha. RUN AWAY!!!!!
A sudden flash of heat and light from directly below partially blinded me and robbed me of my hearing
Flashbang? Or.. just a really really REALLY close explosion?
wheezing in a desperate attempt to sate my body’s thirst for oxygen.
Hmmmmm, trouble breathing, doesn't seem to be bleeding to badly. Kind of vague on the damage, guessing the shockwave from the blast caused one of his lungs to collapse? Maybe fracture a rib and cause it to puncture it? Though if that's the case, given Healing Potions only seem to work on soft tissue injuries, he'd have to pull the rib out and get it set before the potion would work... and least in theory, mostly headcanon for me in how potions work, give them some limitations.
I reached over to my knife sheath and tugged it out, holding it firmly against her throat and silencing her cry of protest. When the steel met the flesh of her neck,
You know... you could have ASKED, she seems like a pretty decent pony so far. Not everypony is going to be an asshole to you. Granted not a good track record so far, but still.
“Can’t you ask like a normal person?”
See?
“I’m serious,” I said. “Just give… give me your healing potions. I’ll open you like a letter, I swear to Polaris.”
Luna damnit Mach.. I get you are stressed and not thinking clearly, but still, take a fucking hint. Granted this does fit him and, think I see some more of what this is tying into so, good job story. But Mach.....buck you asshole.
As she said it, I felt the barrel of a pistol seat itself firmly against my chin.
I like her!
I’d just burned my only chance at help by trying to shake down this Wastelander.
Yup, though given what a really bad story this would make for you to just die here, I'm guessing she's a lot better pony then you give any Groundsider credit for. Maybe cause him to start questioning his beliefs?
It came as quite a shock when I regained consciousness.
Also, story, thank you for not trying to cliff-hanger something so obvious.
“Why?” I asked quietly, blurting the biggest question on my mind.
Because, you all are still ponies. Not everyone down here is a selfish, uncaring asshole, or some primitive savage moron like you seem to think Mach.
“So you’re saying you took care of my injuries because you can sympathize with me?”
I really, REALLY like her.. please tell me we are up to where Mach starts recruiting companions!
I immediately grew suspicious. “I’m just supposed to trust you?”
Mach..... just... There is a justifiable amount of caution, there is being out right paranoid, and then there is just being a freaking idiot. Why the fuck would she go through all the trouble of saving you just to screw you over like that?
We got off to a rocky start, but I believe in second chances. I just want to help you, mate. That’s all.
Seriously PLEASE tell me she sticks around for a good while, if not the rest of the story! She is exactly what Mach needs right now.
She could be a companion. A friend.
SO MUCH YES!!!!! Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease!!!!!!
Greaser said, rushing over to give me a hug. My wings exploded outward in surprise.
D'awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
But YAY! Mach found a friend, finally!
Okay this chapter was a roller coaster. Started out just, ordinary, Mach trying to figure out how to survive in the Wastes, worrying about basic needs, coming to grips with this being his life now.
Then.... everything changes.. just... just... okay yeah that was one hell of an uncomfortable scene.. losing something that important, that much a part of you... at least it's just one side but still...... hitting even lower. And more raging Mach, seeing just how freaking devastating he can be when pushed to far.... It was well done, if incredibly unsettling and hard to read through. Just.... poor Mach...
Followed by a ton of WHAT THE FUCK!? in a seeming Enclave/Steel Ranger partnership... that makes no damn sense on the surface, and eager to find out more about what the hell is going on. There are a few things I could see, but to early to really make any guesses. But yet more stuff for Mach to worry about.
And then, and then, him sliding even more towards giving into the Wastes, just turning into a monster, taking what he wants, not giving a crap about others....more hints of how far he could fall. Only to end all that darkness, all those new issues, everything.. end it on one of the brightest spots of hope Mach's had yet. Finding an actual friend. Another pony that gives a shit about him, kind, caring, no longer having to go at this alone. As well as a pony that could maybe break through his hard head and get him to start realizing how screwed up his prejudices agsint surface ponies are.
All while being a character I already SO freaking love!
So yeah amazing job on yet again managing to be dark, tense, even outright hard to read for how brutal it can get, while balancing that perfectly with signs that things can get better. Hell even better in light of the massive freaking dark-fest of Crazy Steve versus Clean Shaven Idiot (No those assholes do not deserve to be called by the names they are defiling with their idiocy and murder) Showing this story understands things FAR more then that piece of shit. You can have dark, serious, tense spots. That is not an issue, it's not about never being dark, it's that you can't be so oppressively dark that you never have any hope things might get better. You need to see there is a light at the end of the tunnel, that things can get better. The Darkness should be used to make that light of hope shine all the brighter, be even stronger in contrast. Not just for it's own sake. It's one of the many things that made me love Fallout: Equestria so much, is it got that. And clearly, this story does to.
I suspect that this will be one of my favorite fics when it's done. I also suspect that we're going to be friends. :3 I think we think similarly, based on the kinds of things you focus on in the story and the way you approach them.
It seems like you've got a bit of a thing for realism (and maybe I can extrapolate and assume you have a thing for hard sci fi). It really comes through in the attention to flying physics, firestarting, and a handful of other things that happened earlier that I can't recall off the top of my head. As someone who has a thing for realism, this is appreciated. There are a few bits that raised an eyebrow, like Garotte remaining conscious through being eviscerated (or is that really possible? Maybe I'm just ignorant), military officers engaging in fisticuffs and everyone just kind of not trying to stop them or call guards, and I think there were one or two other things, but overall it's been physically realistic enough for me to notice (in a good way).
I think we have similar taste in music...
“The jig is up,” “The noose is out,” “We finally found you,”
The renegade who had it made, retrieved for a bounty~ (it doesn't rhyme with their choice of pronouns D: ) (Also, it's actually the news that's out, but close enough ^^; )
Overall, this is really well done on several levels (and here I'm talking about the whole thing so far, not just this chapter). (I never read the original version, so I can't comment on this version versus that one.) The writing is solid, giving good descriptions of actions and settings, coherently structuring ideas and transitioning between them (I'm not really sure how to explain it. The opposite of that would be confusing writing where it's hard to follow what's going on from paragraph to paragraph, or maybe I have to reread to understand). As someone else said, the dogfight was fantastic -- nice variety of things happening, and all described clearly. The characters are interesting and have distinctive enough personalities that I can actually keep track of them (very rare for me). The plot hasn't gotten too involved yet, but I'm enjoying Mach's first steps (err... flaps? wingbeats?) into a new world.
There were a handful of instances of character dialog sounding a bit forced, like Gust and Gale egging on Mach while they're headed out to test the coilgun, and Calamity talking with Railright, so you might want to watch out for that. Most of Mach's dialog (and general cockiness) is great. Meeting the griffons comes to mind, and I think you struck the perfect blend of silliness (which is to say, only a hint of it. I'm assuming you wanted it to seem at least a little bit amusing) and legitimate anger.
Keep up the good work! Looking forward to the rest!
Loved how you described flying in the rain. Felt vivid!
Also, damn, Mach, always killing pretty, if a tad evil mares, tsk tsk tsk.
And Greaser is best pony.
Well, tied with Astral for cutest, morally upright young mare.
Also a marked improvement over the pre-rewrite. Kudos to you and your editor!
I really liked the dogfight with Gust and Gale, it was easy to follow and easy to visualize. All the maneuvers they were doing, what Mach was feeling, and what he was thinking.
It felt a little like I was reading some sort of ponified novelization of Top Gun, but with lasers.
And it's nice to see that Mach's made a friend. I like Greaser so far, and I hope there's a lot more of her in the next chapter.
So much for long strings of repetitive dialogue to everyone he meets about being a Dashite now. Truly, those were my favorite part.
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Yea one did, then he whacked the other on base when she confronted him about it IIRC
I finished the other one a few months ago. And I must say that while I did enjoy it this is by far better. Please keep up the updates
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It's possible, but I didn't check to see if it was a pony in the original fic. If it is, it's just a coincidence.
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Am I going to regret not waiting for revised story?
It's just I'm really enjoying the this story and "can't wait for the next chapter".
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You might. It's hard to say. Some people enjoyed the original, but those with stricter standards tend to have a hard time with it.
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Mhm, I lean on the fact that our only source of information is Calamity quite a bit. After all, he's only one pony and it's been quite a while since he was living above the clouds, so some things may have changed that he isn't aware of. It gives me a nice bit of wiggle room to do some things differently.
A good friend of mine is actually former USAF, and I've consulted with him on a few things for accuracy. According to him it's perfectly normal for officers to commute to/from their own homes to base in order to work, which is why Mach isn't slumming it in a barracks.
It's not that they need it, it's more of a traditional thing. Keeping the weather management aspect of pegasi society alive, as well as providing jobs for civilians and offering a change from 24/7 sunny weather.
Twice a year, IIRC. But in Outlaw, things have changed a little bit since Calamity has left the Enclave. More on that later. As for supply retrieval, I don't think it's that far out of the question. After all, the Enclave went to war with the griffons over resources once theirs started to dwindle. I don't think it's too farfetched to have a few surface recovery teams.
NO IT'S CLASSY! Basically what I did was use the one time Rarity called herself 'Rarity the Unicorn' and made that the "proper" way of introducing oneself. It sort of jammed in my headcanon.
It's not that he needs to, his dad just wants him out of the damn house. Despite all appearances, Mach actually quite enjoys living with his parents and sister and really doesn't want to live on his own.
Bingo!
Again, hit the nail right on the head there.
I'm glad you like it so far, and I can only guess as to how your reactions to the coming chapters will be. I'm glad to see you decided to stop by! Truly I underestimated Bobulator's powers of persuasion.
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Very true. While he was rather high up in the Enclave, knew more then most ponies would, he hardly could have known everything, and would expect things to change as they realized what Redeye was up to and started making plans for the attack on him.
Huh... yeah that does make sense.
Yeah, could definitely see them doing it, so long as it was kept rather low key, nothing TO massive. Just a few scouts grabbing what they can in areas away from ground ponies. Maybe even setting up a proxy on the surface, a merchant contracting explores and scavengers to trade things they do have, like food, for resources they need, while they stay out of sight. Plenty of wiggle room for that.
Eh, fair enough. Though I just lump that under one off oddness due to writing glitches, like her calling Pinkie "Miss Pie." in the last ep. Still seems redundant when every pony is a pegasus.
1. We'll find out soon.. hopefully, stupid random work hours.
2. He dangled Frosty being adorable in front of me, and threatened to make her sad if I didn't. How could I let that happen?
Either that, or just asked nicely, but the first option sounds better. Alright onto the actual first chapter.
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c:
Well like I said earlier, Calamity having left gives me a little bit of wiggle room. You'll see soon enough why, and there's further explanation in chapter 5.
I have a lot of fun coming up with creative ways for the Enclave pegasi to incorporate their weather-based magical talents. I like to think that the shower clouds are enchanted to produce hot water on demand.
Best not to think about it too much. It wasn't entirely plot relevant so I didn't go to great lengths to make the toothbrush's presence clear. The act of a non-unicorn brushing their own teeth is complicated enough to begin with.
Got it yourself.
Learning to fly. Sort of like above preschool but before kindergarten. Previously, Mach was a terrible flier as a colt, but I'm sort of steering away from that this time around.
Duster's family pretty much tends to one of the many SPP farms.
Oh you'll get a few here and there. Outlaw has a similar mechanic to Memories in that Mach recounts tales of his past life to his party members. It's how I further develop his character as well as the ponies he's related to and was friends with, as well as building upon what little we know of the Enclave from the original.
He's had command of quite a few ponies on previous occasions, two of which we'll see later on in the story. But for what he does on a daily basis, he doesn't need a very large squad size.
You're actually right on the money with that guess. However, there's a lot more to it than that. Again, it's something that's explored later in the story.
It's a healthy dose of both nepotism+a high-ranking father combined with a military record loaded with achievements. She's not as good a soldier as her big brother, but she's one of the best when it comes to logistics and other non-combat military work. I could have just as easily written the story with her every bit as regular as Mach, but I really liked the idea of an accomplished younger sister and a slacker of an older brother.
Very thorough analysis. While most of what you say is correct, you'll see soon enough that Mach isn't quite there yet. He's still grown up in an indoctrinated society, and it's going to take a little time to bring his character down to earth, which is a big part of the story. I throw hurdle after hurdle at him to steadily tear down the fundamental core of personality just so that I can build him back up into the pony he'll be by the end of the story.
27 in human years. So yes, Astral is very very young for her rank, but Mach is just about right.
Ooh, here's the first time that I think I've actually tripped you up. We're not very close to Cauterize or Sunshine and Rainbows at all. Outlaw runs concurrent with FoE, and ends during the battle of Sunshine and Rainbows. In a couple chapters you'll know right where we are and also see that Mach's character development has a long way to go from here.
It's a "we definitely suspect he and his father are up to something" type risk. Remember Mach's mini panic attack in the prologue? That's why the only members of the family under suspicion are Mach and his father. They're the only two involved in the matter.
*squee*
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I kind of figured, that was more looking at his core archetype. The basic idea of who he is deep down. Rather expect he's got a few layers of Enclave BS to still see through yet. You don't get over a life time of propaganda easily. But that he's got the potential to do so and why is also pretty clear.
That is one hell of an understatement. Also, okay Mach is a bit older then I thought. Figured early twenties for him, but that age makes sense too. But, while that would be utter, no way in hell BS for a 'real' military (As in real world one) being that high ranked that young, can just barely buy it here. It is plausible, if not likely. But, is helped she's not a combat officer, or in anyway close to any front lines. But rather doing paperwork at a desk and, as you said, logistics. So yeah can buy it. I mean, it's not like ANYTHING would ever be insane enough to attack The Enclave's most heavily fortified and largest base, in the middle of their territory, just while the vast majority of their fleet is far away and to engaged with other forces or damaged to provided more help to it. No, that's just impossible.
Well, if, as I'm assuming, this is going on about the same time as Littlepip leaving the Stable. Then I am still right in that they are only a few weeks from it. Littlepip's entire journey, from Leaving Stable 2, to entering the SPP only took ~2 months, and the last few weeks of it was dealing with The Enclave. So we'd still be only 5 or 6 weeks from it. So
Plus, guessing you meant Battle of Fillydelphia? Since there wasn't any "Battle of Sunshine and Rainbows." There was Fillydelphia, where Littlepip got into the SPP. A day or two later, the Battle of Dragon Mountain as the surviving forces grouped up and made a run at Spike for revenge. Then a bit after that, or about that time, The Day of Sunshine and Rainbows. Since it Took Littlepip a while to both work out how to control the SPP, and to figure out just how much and what parts of the cloud cover she could safely remove to restore sunlight to the majority of the surface, while at the same time not send the pegasi into an instant famine by taking out to much of their farmland.
Kind of figured that was the case, just know so little about what it was, wasn't sure how to bring it up.. thought I should but, meh.
Double *squee*
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Well, you be the judge.
In my case it's more of a stereotype. You sort of expect someone from a rural area to talk with a lazy drawl. The fact that so many ponies in FoE speak that way is just an unfortunate coincidence.
This was well, well before the show explored the concept of cutie marks in the S3 finale. I wasn't entirely convinced that a pony is fated to have their entire life revolve around the picture on their butt, but the show sort of shut me up and made it crystal clear that there's really no fighting it.
Both, actually. He'll be missing it quite a bit soon enough.
Yeah, I figured that even though I prefer imperial units that it would be a lot easier narrative-wise to go with the metric system. Kkat did a lot of distance measuring with "yards" and that doesn't sit quite right with me. This was all before I had the idea to just find->replace every instance of foot/feet with hoof/hooves, so I could've gone ahead and used imperial units anyway.
He knew she had one but had never actually seen which one it was specifically, since they're all relatively similar looking. Military and assembly line equipment, y'know.
Well originally, the beginning of the story took place in a smaller base around a seperate SPP tower. I sort of moved everything to Neighvarro because it didn't make sense to me that the Enclave would have a large military deployment at a small weapons R&D institute.
It was a simpler time three years ago. Lots of references was the cool (and often expected) thing to do. I sort of drifted away from that quite a bit in the rewrite, though Doc lingers on.
I had a lot of misgivings about the ScoutBuck during the rewrite, too. I actually never used it all that often at all in the original, enough to the point where it may as well have not even existed. I've seriously toned down a lot of its functions recently, and now pretty much its entire purpose is to be a navigational system for Mach.
Oh, you'll see. Patience.
It has extremely limited ammunition. I think maybe twenty shots all told? It doesn't get used all that much, it's more of an emergency button.
I took it to mean only the SPP tower itself was protected, but it's been three years since I've read FoE so I'm a little fuzzy on some specifics.
Enclave colloquialism for the primary SPP tower.
Heh.
Oh, you wait. Everything kicks off next chapter.
6577993 Yup, hot.
references can be awesome if used well and done subtly, in a way that stil makes them make perfect sense in context. The ideal reference is one where if you don't get the reference, you wouldn't even notice it existed or felt like anything was out of place. And yeah Doc was awesome. Agree limiting the Scout Buck would have felt a bit better it's not a major deal and not really 'bad' as is. But yeah, would have liked a more toned down version a bit better. Still a great idea though.
With the base, yeah it is completely something that happens that a larger base will have separate sub bases with their own chain of command. So it could still be at Neighvarro and make sense for her to be in command of it. If any Enclave sire would be large enough to have that kind of dividing up, it's that one.
Plus, this adds something more to the mix as well that you wouldn't have if it was it's own little thing all on it's lonesome. Worrying about all these ponies and what will happen to them when Littlepip drops by for a nice little chat.
The shields, there were two of them. The tower itself has it's own shield that The Enclave couldn't get through. It was the one Littlepip needed Spike to roast him to get past. They also had another shield of their own over the base that Spike ripped right through when they attacked. But yeah, it could have just been over the core of the base immediately around the Tower, rather then every single part of it given how big the base is....
I'll get to the next one soon.... stupid, long, middle of the day work hours.... and after today's yeah bad idea to start going off on stream of consciousness writing. But SOON!
6610794
Ahhh I'm glad to see you back before Fallout 4 drops and everyone disappears for a week.
Had to take some fast forwarding liberties for the sake of brevity here. The last thing I wanted to do was lose reader interest before things even get started by throwing boring military rigamarole at them.
Gust has fun but Gale's kind of a wet blanket. Hehe. Wet.
Here I've got the Enclave seeing Canterlot alicorns as less lethal (but still very deadly) because their connection to Unity is severed. They can't share knowledge and adapt to attacks as effectively as Unity alicorns can, which hampers them a bit. Remember how progressively more difficult it got for Pip to take down alicorns because each time she did, they learned a little something?
This was something I think I took a bit of a risk on. Very few people are keen to read a story with a protagonist who appears outwardly unsympathetic. Even in the proper context, growing up in an indoctrinated populace, that still gives people pause. I however, think it's a ripe opportunity to really show how much a character can progress over the course of a story. To go from a jaded asshole to a selfless hero not unlike Littlepip I think makes for a strong and interesting narrative and few people are really willing to give you a chance to see how it plays out.
Hooboy.
First hint's in chapter seven. Good luck finding it, it's so subtle that even returning readers miss it.
I get along really well with my dad, so most of this is coming from shows and cartoons I've seen where one sibling is clearly favored over another.
Right there's the most important theme the story explores. Family, and the importance thereof.
HOLLYWOOD
JAMES BOND VILLAIN LEVEL INEPTITUDE
Step number one in un-mary sue-ing Mach. He's capable of it, but I've made it far more difficult and less of a plot device this time around.
Next chapter's a little short and uneventful, as it used to be rolled together with bits of chapter five and the opening half of chapter seven. Something like 50% of chapter five and 100% of six are new content.
6617322 FO4- Well, don't need to worry about me disappearing for it. Would so LOVE to be playing it, but don't have a comp that can run it, and can't really afford a brand new one that can. Hopefully after tax returns I can get it.
As to the rest, yes, it i a risk to have him acting like that, that agsint the surfacers, looking down on them that badly. And, can't say I like that aspect of him at all, and, do feel kind of uncomfortable about it. However, at the same time, I think it works. By that point we had known enough about Mach, seen enough of him to get a good idea of what type of pony he was, to see that he is a good hearted pony deep down, that he does try to be a good pony. Isn't some heartless bastard. And at the same time, know how pervasive the Enclave propaganda likely is. Know that that is a large part of why he feels that way. That he really doesn't KNOW a whole lot about the surface beyond what the Enclave told him, and what little he's seen from the air, which removes a lot of context.
We can see why he thinks the way he does, and while knowing he's wrong, it makes sense why he can't see that. At the same time, we know enough about mach, to be sure that once he's forced to face the lies and propaganda, see things directly, get to know the truth, he's extremely likely to overcome them. To accept the changes in his world view. It's a pretty major fault for him, and something that is rather distasteful, but it's something we know he is going to overcome, and want to see him do so. Want to see him become a better pony. So, while yeah it might have been laid on a LITTLE thicker then needed. I do think it works well, so long as it's not going to be to overplayed and hammered over and over to the point of becoming ridiculous.
That said, one thing that did strike me as really odd, was just how quickly the narrative went from "Damn pathetic surface dwellers." to "Whelp, guess I gotta go live on the surface." I do get why he made the decision, but, it just feels like it came up way to fast after how he was talking about them. Not from a character stand point really, but more a narrative one, it slipped gears a little to fast and caused some grinding. Maybe, just a better look at his thought s leading up to the decision? Resignation, just.. feels like there is a slight bit of transition missing between those two. It's not really bad, and still done really well and makes sense. But leaves just a vague sense of, not quite working as well as everything else.
With the Alicorns, agree that fits the Enclave. They get an idea in their head, and simply go with it. And always tend to both underestimate their enemies, and over estimate themselves. "Oh, Canterlot Alicorns have no Hive Mind? They must be weaker." Which, yeah valid points, but it ignores the bonuses they gain. Being more individualistic means they become less predictable, better able to adapt on the fly, and gain a stronger sense of self preservation. So they gin their own pros to balance it out. But, that, does really fit the Enclave mindset to ignore that.
Rather glad that the story will be exploring family, it's a topic the original didn't really have much to touch on about, and Mach's family presents a rather great array of relationships, all with their own charm. And just all around love how well the dynamics come to life between them, they really do feel like a family, even with the antagonism between mach and his dad.
Hey, I qualified that statement for a reason.
The Rainboom. Yeah, him popping one off that easily that early, seems rather extreme. Showing him able to do it, but still struggling, much better. By now it was canon that Rainboom capable pegasi, while still rare, are not the one of a kind thing of Dash. Which makes sense, now that it is known, with 100% certainty it is possible, it follows more would figure out how to do it. And we know the Enclave has several who can do so. So that in and of itself, not TO huge a deal. But using it easily, casually, yeah that could over do it. So, have to say it was a good choice. Establishes he can do one, under ideal circumstances at least, without going to far and making it to easy for him.
And the simple fact the even after my nearly as long as the chapter commentaries, I can still type up this much just analyzing the story, characters, everything about the story, after what is really just the first chapter (Split up but still), Is one reason I am loving this story, that there is just so MUCH there, so much clear thought put into things, everything feels so real, that it's easy to find this much to think about, and I LOVE IT!
6631485
Sorryyy, sorry. I'm one of those people that got caught up playing Fallout 4. For a week straight. Something like 72 hours logged and I only finished the main quest last night.
T^T pls
This (and all of the previous Outlaw) predated my editor, who jumped on board for chapter seven. I like to think I do a pretty fine job self-editing my grammar and spelling, but there are places like this where I slip up. I've found since I gained an editor that I'm prone to word repetition, redundant metaphors and gratuitous use of commas to run sentences too long when they'd be better broken into two or more.
I don't think it necessarily has to be died to D&D. The Dire Wolf was a real animal after all, it's just gone extinct. I like to think that in MLP's world of folklore creatures it wouldn't be too unreasonable for an extinct animal to still be amongst the living.
Yep, I try to play things a little more realistically than the show does. Show ponies can fly through the forest just fine, but in all reality anything larger than a bird would be awful hard-pressed to fly through a heavily wooded area without any trouble. Doubly so a tiny horse with wings.
I tend to also portray injury more seriously than most stories unless it's very important to the plot. Healing potions in Outlaw aren't magical cure-alls, either. They're merely powerful hemostatics used to halt massive blood loss.
Booboo. Again, no editor. That's a remnant from the old Outlaw that I missed with my pruning shears. From chapter 1-6 (barring parts of 4, 5 and a little of 6) the narrative just recieved a spitshine. 7+ is completely new, written from scratch based on my knowledge of the old story's events. You'll have to excuse some hiccups here and there.
I think the disconnect here is that I used the map of Equestria when I thought out his approach. The river is right there at the lip of the forest, and on the other side of the river is the town square. Looking at the opening of the show however, you can see that there are a few houses on the forest side of the river.
Training can't prepare you for everything. c:
Mach is very human (pony?), and I try to drive that home as much as possible throughout the story. He's not a font of bravery; far from an idyllic comic book hero.
I honestly don't remember any mention or description of the container, so I just went with what I knew.
Mach treasures Rattler deeply, but you hit the nail on the head with unique weapons. I didn't want to get rid of it but I had to do something about it, so I just broke it. As you read you'll find that Mach will be relying more on his standard kit than either of his bigger weapons. I've "level locked" Rattler and he won't be able to use it again until much later in the story.
Their paths never actually cross, but we'll be seeing a few other friendly faces before Mach departs to Outlaw's setting to begin his own story. He just needs a little help in the right direction.
I'm very glad you're enjoying the story thus far. I can only hope that it continues to grow as I really break free of the old story's confines and flex my newfound writing muscles.
6643352 /jealous. so wish my comp could handle the game.
Yeah most of those are just either minor nitpicks, or simply having some snarky fun at a goof. Mostly the latter. If I have a real issue with something, you'll know, just ask Bobulator how well you'll know.... Mistakes happen.
With the Rad-Away, it wasn't said in the original one way or the other, but I just saw this pic of Littlepip drink rad away from a juice box, and it was just to damn adorable NOT to be true. Admit it, badass, Wasteland death machine, healing up some radiation damage, by taking a break to sip from a juice box is to cute and pony to not be a thing damnit.
And agree Healing potions aren't a cure-all. From what we saw in the original, and common sense, they mostly act as a turbo charge to magically speed up the repair of major soft tissue damage only. Something like a dislocated wing, yeah you are fucked, and would be better off not even trying one till you get it set right, or the tissue could heal wrong and make it even worse.
6643749
Oh don't be jealous, my PC can't handle it either. I got it for the Xbone. Some day though, after it drops by about $20 in price and I've upgraded my graphics card.
I think you'll have a bit more to touch on next chapter. It's borderline controversial content and I actually felt a little uncomfortable writing some of it.
You know with so many side-fics such as the Big Four, Oasis, Sisters, and now this and many more, it inspires me to continue my side-fic even against all of these! I'm just a bit shy on putting it in different groups nowadays...
I am in the processes of debating going ",fuck this ,shit" and go and reed the Gdoc or whiting on the re-writes to be done.
and now I have a story to look forward to haha
6667652
DO IT
Getting your name out there is everything. If you want to attract people you need to be willing to put your name out there yourself. I'm stubborn so I don't like to self-advertise, and it's limited my readership to word-of-mouth, which isn't that reliable in our little niche fandom.
6681129
I'm sorry. :c
I wish I could write faster for you guys but I spend too much time obsessing on everything being perfect. If it's any consolation, the new chapter should be done by the end of the month. I kind of need it to be.
6643749
Seraphem, did you died? D:
6736766 I never thought to see the day the author would comment on my comment... Yeah, I'm feeling a bit self-advertisy here, but I'm on wait... revisions on eight fking chapters and I'm waiting patiently on my cover art! I don't want to advertise yet until the cover art is ready to go and I get Chapter IX up and ready!
Also your profile picture, does not help me in the slightest at all mate for I am laughing!
6736766 No, just working retail during the holiday season and a lot of other random crap coming up on me, sorry. But on the plus side, gives you more time to get more chapters out before I reach the end and start hounding you for them.
6738121
This feel. I know this feel. Though I imagine I'm at the shallow end of the pool since I work in a grocery store. Still, retail's retail.
Sounds like in this rewrite he only loses one cutie mark if the two sides he has them on. Is that right?
YAY Less then a month between replies! Hopefully.. less then a month between starting them, let's see how long it take to actually type it up.
So Mach is off on his Wasteland Adventure! Now to see how much pain and suffering he brings uon himself from both not knowing when to shut up, making stupid decisions, and taunting Murphy.
Not really... at least according to this one episode of House, and we all know how utterly perfect and extensive that show's teaching of medical stuff is. So to tired to sleep, or to paranoid, or just to emotional?
OH! He's trying to fly and not pass out, thought he was trying to sleep and just couldn't. Mach, go find some place to curl up before you crash.... again.
Isn't that like, the ONE thing your Scout-Buck is actually good for? Or at least one of the few things.
Okay so three things. Mapping, Flight orientation, and night vision. Wait, wouldn't that only effect one eye though? Also while true, Mach, you know somehow this is likely to screw you. Right?
As I said, of course knowing you you'll nap in some raiders bed or something.
Huh? Ummm, thunderstorm, bad weather... wha?
Okay, yeah that makes sense, so yeah good one story. Also, you just cannot catch a break can you mach? But really why are you trying to get to where others are? that stands a good chance of screwing you over somehow. Hell you are already on the air, I know you don't want to go above the clouds, but would it be that hard to grab a chunk of clouds from underneath and pull them away for a little floating bed? Or maybe a floating crib given you would likely roll off the thing.
On the one hoof, FOE never mentioned any self propelled land vehicles. But on the other, Kkat did say it was one of things she does wish she had added after seeing the SSCS6K. And FOE didn't make them impossible. Though I'd expect them to be rather rare, mostly use for military purposes, not something you'd see just randomly littered around a middle of nowhere town.
"The Mach Trap Inn"?
Okay, dust that thick is a good sign. Maybe you are alone here for a change.
No, the first was just covered in gore, blood, and entrails. But not dusty. Granted that's due to raiders traipsing around in it. The second, was sealed enough to prevent this much dust.
Try looking to find a store room?
Hmmm, that is odd... given the last we heard about Cloudsdale was how they'd just elected an anti-war mayor and the citizenry was on the edge of telling recruiters to screw themselves. Or at least a chunk of them. Granted, Dash did make a mental note to talk to Pinkie about setting up an MoM hub there after finding this out so....... reaction to that? Ministries stepped in and made sure the Cloudsdale publicly presented a grand showing of unity and support? That.. is creepy and yet, I could see it working out that way.
Weeeelll... if you want to be technical.. they used a missile to take it out, not a bomb.
No..... no you weren't. That would have been the Steel Rangers. Pegasi where the Air Force, the flyers, not the ground pounding infantry. Yes still a backbone of the military in general, but not of the Infantry.
Ummm, what? There was no more war after that day. Also, that would only cut off the supply of recruits, not the already trained ponies. It, had no real impact on Equestria's military, because by the end of the day, there pretty much was no more Equestria.
Correct on the first part, on the second... not really. This was mostly them lashing out in panic with a "Better to die then be conquered" attitude and trying to take as many ponies as they could with them.
.......... One moment....
Holy shit that IS possible. Granted to have the best chance to work it requires one extra factor he forgot.... moisture. So yeah as damp as things are.. he could be good to go.
Dammit story making me learn. Twilight would approve.
Ohhh, Superglueing your fingers together is bad enough, but.. ouch.. ponies do have it rough sometimes.
Also how it usually comes out. While it IS possible to cause a fire this way, it's very rare and more likely to just create a lot of heat. Still, nice try.
.. Maybe.. if you don't just vaporize things instead.
Okay, few issues here, one, why are you carrying the thing around with a dead battery? What good is an unloaded weapon out in the wastes? Now I could buy he just hadn't realized it was drained, but he doesn't even check, just pops it out. Second, when did he throw it inot the trash? You kind of missed a step there. Third, why the fuck would he toss it into where he was trying to make a fire!?
... Just a reminder Mach, I do like you overall... but you are still a bit of an asshole.
Wait, no attack, no disaster, no massive crisis popping up to kick him in the balls? He actually got to just sleep through the night somewhere safe and secure? Mach, if I were you, I'd start worrying, it can only mean the universe is building up for something REALLY 'fun' for you.
Well, water shouldn't be to hard given the storm last night. Granted might not be pure, but easy enough to boil some to take care of that.
Definitely curious to see how a reunion would go. If his dad really doe care for mach and does regret this, or really is just a total asshole like mach seems to think.
See, told you something was coming. Have fun.
Why would an energy weapon make a 'crack' or anything that could be called a 'retort'?
How did they find you in the first place? Their explanation made no sense. Also, so, actual Enclave pegasus out to get him, or some other self exile that thinks you are here to get her?
Mach's planning in a nutshell. Just deal with what is going on right here and now, and trust you'll figure something out later if you need to. How's that been working out for ya dude?
Though there might have been two ponies, but twins.. didn't suspect that one. Yeah have fun with this Machy. And gee, don't we know a set of twins that have a personal grudge against you?
Yup, well, this is going to be interesting to get out of.
Good question, there is a LOT more going on then Mach knows. And of course, nopony realizes he is to damn clueless to actually know what they are talking about. Granted, might get them to slip up and tell him a few things he could use.
Oh no... they aren't..... they.. they aren't.....
Oh fuck.. they are.......
Ohhhh crap... they do not realize how fucked they are about to be......
He has one HELL of a good self-defense case to made for this. Also, that's what you get for spending time gloating.
You just cannot catch a freaking break Mach......
Wait........WHAT!? What the... why.. how... okay okay.. this.. this had better have one hell of a good explanation for it..... But... WHAT!? Yes there are a lot of idea for how this might work out, but still.... not sure which to go with right now.
I'm with you on this one Mach. This makes, no sense, at all. This is so counter to everything about the Enclave AND the Rangers... still, going to be interesting finding out what the full story is.
Like you would expect anything else. Also, so now whose the traitor to the Enclave?
Red Dwarf Plan Alpha. RUN AWAY!!!!!
Flashbang? Or.. just a really really REALLY close explosion?
Hmmmmm, trouble breathing, doesn't seem to be bleeding to badly. Kind of vague on the damage, guessing the shockwave from the blast caused one of his lungs to collapse? Maybe fracture a rib and cause it to puncture it? Though if that's the case, given Healing Potions only seem to work on soft tissue injuries, he'd have to pull the rib out and get it set before the potion would work... and least in theory, mostly headcanon for me in how potions work, give them some limitations.
You know... you could have ASKED, she seems like a pretty decent pony so far. Not everypony is going to be an asshole to you. Granted not a good track record so far, but still.
See?
Luna damnit Mach.. I get you are stressed and not thinking clearly, but still, take a fucking hint. Granted this does fit him and, think I see some more of what this is tying into so, good job story. But Mach.....buck you asshole.
I like her!
Yup, though given what a really bad story this would make for you to just die here, I'm guessing she's a lot better pony then you give any Groundsider credit for. Maybe cause him to start questioning his beliefs?
Also, story, thank you for not trying to cliff-hanger something so obvious.
Because, you all are still ponies. Not everyone down here is a selfish, uncaring asshole, or some primitive savage moron like you seem to think Mach.
I really, REALLY like her.. please tell me we are up to where Mach starts recruiting companions!
Mach..... just... There is a justifiable amount of caution, there is being out right paranoid, and then there is just being a freaking idiot. Why the fuck would she go through all the trouble of saving you just to screw you over like that?
Seriously PLEASE tell me she sticks around for a good while, if not the rest of the story! She is exactly what Mach needs right now.
SO MUCH YES!!!!! Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease!!!!!!
D'awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
But YAY! Mach found a friend, finally!
Okay this chapter was a roller coaster. Started out just, ordinary, Mach trying to figure out how to survive in the Wastes, worrying about basic needs, coming to grips with this being his life now.
Then.... everything changes.. just... just... okay yeah that was one hell of an uncomfortable scene.. losing something that important, that much a part of you... at least it's just one side but still...... hitting even lower. And more raging Mach, seeing just how freaking devastating he can be when pushed to far.... It was well done, if incredibly unsettling and hard to read through. Just.... poor Mach...
Followed by a ton of WHAT THE FUCK!? in a seeming Enclave/Steel Ranger partnership... that makes no damn sense on the surface, and eager to find out more about what the hell is going on. There are a few things I could see, but to early to really make any guesses. But yet more stuff for Mach to worry about.
And then, and then, him sliding even more towards giving into the Wastes, just turning into a monster, taking what he wants, not giving a crap about others....more hints of how far he could fall. Only to end all that darkness, all those new issues, everything.. end it on one of the brightest spots of hope Mach's had yet. Finding an actual friend. Another pony that gives a shit about him, kind, caring, no longer having to go at this alone. As well as a pony that could maybe break through his hard head and get him to start realizing how screwed up his prejudices agsint surface ponies are.
All while being a character I already SO freaking love!
So yeah amazing job on yet again managing to be dark, tense, even outright hard to read for how brutal it can get, while balancing that perfectly with signs that things can get better. Hell even better in light of the massive freaking dark-fest of Crazy Steve versus Clean Shaven Idiot (No those assholes do not deserve to be called by the names they are defiling with their idiocy and murder) Showing this story understands things FAR more then that piece of shit. You can have dark, serious, tense spots. That is not an issue, it's not about never being dark, it's that you can't be so oppressively dark that you never have any hope things might get better. You need to see there is a light at the end of the tunnel, that things can get better. The Darkness should be used to make that light of hope shine all the brighter, be even stronger in contrast. Not just for it's own sake. It's one of the many things that made me love Fallout: Equestria so much, is it got that. And clearly, this story does to.
SO freaking love that.
I suspect that this will be one of my favorite fics when it's done. I also suspect that we're going to be friends. :3 I think we think similarly, based on the kinds of things you focus on in the story and the way you approach them.
It seems like you've got a bit of a thing for realism (and maybe I can extrapolate and assume you have a thing for hard sci fi). It really comes through in the attention to flying physics, firestarting, and a handful of other things that happened earlier that I can't recall off the top of my head. As someone who has a thing for realism, this is appreciated. There are a few bits that raised an eyebrow, like Garotte remaining conscious through being eviscerated (or is that really possible? Maybe I'm just ignorant), military officers engaging in fisticuffs and everyone just kind of not trying to stop them or call guards, and I think there were one or two other things, but overall it's been physically realistic enough for me to notice (in a good way).
I think we have similar taste in music...
The renegade who had it made, retrieved for a bounty~
(it doesn't rhyme with their choice of pronouns D: )
(Also, it's actually the news that's out, but close enough ^^; )
Overall, this is really well done on several levels (and here I'm talking about the whole thing so far, not just this chapter). (I never read the original version, so I can't comment on this version versus that one.) The writing is solid, giving good descriptions of actions and settings, coherently structuring ideas and transitioning between them (I'm not really sure how to explain it. The opposite of that would be confusing writing where it's hard to follow what's going on from paragraph to paragraph, or maybe I have to reread to understand). As someone else said, the dogfight was fantastic -- nice variety of things happening, and all described clearly. The characters are interesting and have distinctive enough personalities that I can actually keep track of them (very rare for me). The plot hasn't gotten too involved yet, but I'm enjoying Mach's first steps (err... flaps? wingbeats?) into a new world.
There were a handful of instances of character dialog sounding a bit forced, like Gust and Gale egging on Mach while they're headed out to test the coilgun, and Calamity talking with Railright, so you might want to watch out for that. Most of Mach's dialog (and general cockiness) is great. Meeting the griffons comes to mind, and I think you struck the perfect blend of silliness (which is to say, only a hint of it. I'm assuming you wanted it to seem at least a little bit amusing) and legitimate anger.
Keep up the good work! Looking forward to the rest!
~ Mixy
I think Mark of the Dashite is now my favorite FOE perk. Good on you mate.
Well she could want you alive to be sold, pegasi slaves sell for a pretty penny if I'm not mistaken
I'm not shure if the grammer here is wrong
It made scence to me when I put a "an" after were