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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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He's definitely got something bad, that's for sure.
I'm surprised they just didn't shoot all those raiders it would have been better
Another good chapter. Malice is interesting and this quest intrigues me. I was pretty invested the entire way through, and am excited to see who Alloy turns into as the story progresses. I think she has the makings of a pretty cold bastard in her (which I am totally for), but it's nice to see that she isn't anywhere near that point yet, even if she is more composed and rational than most would be in this situation. Good Job.
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Ah, but with the guns and the shooting and the ponies getting hurt, it's likely there'd be a few losers in that. This way, everybody wins! Well, except Alloy.
In all seriousness though, with as many raiders as there were, maybe they win the shootout, maybe they don't, but lots of ponies die in the process on both sides.
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I'm glad you liked it, actually gave me some confidence back to hear your feedback. I got nervous that I did something wrong when I got the two downvotes after posting the update. I know Malice's accent probably grates on the reader, so I'm glad her character came through. And any time I hear that Alloy has gotten someone's interest, it just gives me this stupid, giddy smile, so thank you kindly for that.
And thank y'all both for the comment and I hope I can at least continue to hold your interest!
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Thank you, I really appreciate both of your comments. The reactions to individual lines is rather fun to see.
Some random stuff:
-I always saw ponies eating meat as a practicality. Either you scavenge for pre-war food or eat meat.
-Originally, the Prologue was named something else. I renamed it to business model close to the end of editing Chapter 1, so the title drop was, in reality, unintentional! Though I did knowingly keep that line in after the title was changed. So I guess, partially intentional?
-Chocking up that missing line break to GoogleDocs import. I have fixed it.
And random Chapter 1 stuff:
-Your Shipper comment made me grin.
-I was actually deliberately trying to dodge zebra names that start with X or Z, at least for Nikale.
-Hrm. I don't know how to feel about the pacing on that sentence either now that you bring it up. Not sure if it's worth correcting at this stage, but yea... I definitely could have done a better job there.
-Regarding Alloy's education, I would say it's more that she was focused on the material that interested her. She may well have heard the names of some of the Ministry Mares, she may not, but she also may or may not have cared about their names.
And like I said before, thank you for the comments, and I hope I can continue to write something worth your attention!
Well, that went differently than I expected. Here I was expecting Malice to be chomping at the bits for some revenge, but instead turns out to be a surprisingly friendly (but still cold-hearted and psychotic) businessmare looking to make a deal. Kudos for (mostly) subverted expectations there.
That deal's a tough break for Alloy though, seeing as how she's a pretty decent mare. It's a little heartbreaking seeing her trying to rationalize the whole thing as just a business deal, watching her trying to push it out of her head that she's supposed to be capturing another pony.
On the positive side though, I like how you start each chapter with a business term and definition, with it summarizing the chapter, kinda like how Kkat did of having a single word at the start describing the entire chapter. I also like the addition of the accounting tables at the bottom, also like how Kkat had Littlepip's level-ups and new skills.
Good stuff so far, so have a like and a favorite.
p.s. Minor typo near the end when Alloy is setting off with Grit where you forgot to capitalize Shipper.
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Thank you so much for the comments! And you're right, it seems nopony gets to live a simple life in the Wasteland. I'm always pleased to hear someone is enjoying Alloy, as she is the reason the story exists in the first place. Her personality got so stuck in my head that I couldn't get her out until I wrote her.
At the same time, Malice is just so much fun to write. Even if she wasn't the prime motivator that made me turn this into a story, and even traumatizing poor Alloy, I was looking forward to writing Chapter 3 for a while. Over on my blog post, you can see a picture of her (or I could just not be a lazy bastard and link it here).
I'm glad you like the business terms, too! The quotes were a later addition, but I'm pleased with them. Wordplay and puns make me a little giddy, so I like having fun with chapter names. The accounting tables themselves are actually inaccurately done, and I know it, but they're simplified for the sake of being understandable without taking courses in accounting. And I plan on having Alloy level up, too, she just has to do some more XP grinding. I mean jeez, it's like she doesn't even know how to play Fallout.
I hope you continue to enjoy what comes next, the editing delays for chapter 4 shouldn't last too much longer.
(And the capitalization error has been fixed, thanks!)
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I never responded to you?
--English is fun. It's the only language I know that you can interpret grammatical rules. Anyway, I did add a couple precision commas here and there, but I'd rather not make any huge changes to some of the others here, at least not at this time. For example, the "shoot->shouting stops-> grenade" is partially done deliberately because Alloy is very much a non-combatant. The slavers were baying for her blood, and when she fired, all she could register was that their shouting stopped. And then a grenade flew up the stairs at her.
--I was actually always taught to write out numbers less than or equal to ten, and write 11 and up in numerals, so that's what's ingrained in me. Also I feel like when multiple numbers appear back to back (as so often does when Alloy is haggling) it's a little more readable in numeric form, but that could just be me.
--Awkward TG memory orb is indeed awkward, but amusing to me nonetheless.
--Woo accelerating plot. I went back and forth for a long time whether to essentially spoil the first couple chapters in the synopsis, but given that I personally like to go into stories, TV shows, video games, and movies as blind as possible to the story, I decided against it.
4497237 You're welcome!
And I could tell that you were having fun with Malice, since she isn't your typical Raider leader! Come to think of it, her personality makes me think of a slightly unhinged Red Eye, with the way that you combine friendliness, psychoticness, and intelligence with her. Heck, she's already a cut above other Raiders by being an intelligent Raider, making her that much more dangerous. Alloy is going to have trouble if she ever needs to match wits with her, even if guns aren't being pointed in her direction. Here's hoping she stays around awhile though!
As a side note, was Malice's scorpion tail thing inspired by Brass from Project Horizons?
Secondary side note: InLucidReverie did a disturbingly good job with Malice for the picture, since I get a vibe of smart, friendly, and dangerous (even without the bloody scorpion tail).
Keep up the good work, and looking forward to seeing more business and accounting adventures in the Wasteland!
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It was not, actually. To be honest, I just was thinking of Enclave armor one day, and how goddamn evil that scorpion tail looked. And then I wondered how much that tail would contribute to making a raider look menacing. I was already designing her armor to include the Steel Ranger plate, inspired by the BoS plates of Legion Centurion armor in FONV, so I included the tail on Malice's cobbled barding.
4497906 Oh yeah, good point. I guess it's been too long since I reread Fo:E, since I had forgotten about the tails on the Enclave armor.
Changing up my comment format because reasons.
Malice's intro: Hopy shit. Incredibly well-done. I can see you had fun writing her. I love her character and the archetype she fills. I want to punch her in the face, but I'd probably get dead for trying.
After Malice leaves: Wow. Uh, yeah. I don't have much to say. Excelent part, more character development yay, uh... yeah. More please.
Heh. Alloy has a nickname. That's never a good sign.
Alloy's breakdown: Man, Poor Alloy. I wanna give her a hug in the scene after Malice leaves. Great emotional portrayal, though.
Hmm...
The visit: Stop me if you've heard this one before: an author is consistently great at portraying emotions and writes a rather charged scene. The reader loves it.
And did you really think it would be that easy, Alloy? Welcome to the Wasteland, peopulation: you gon' die if you don't toughen up quick.
media.giphy.com/media/NM25giLBTobx6/giphy.gif
Hmm...
I got chains, they go jingle jangle jingle... (jingle jangle)
Aaand there we go. I was waiting for that.
Final thoughts: I like the slow start you have going, and I absolutely love your characters.
It's simple really, we kill the batman.
Ahh, thought I was getting some Spice and Wolf vibes before, now I definitely am. The call to adventure here is definitely a strong point, narrative-wise. I felt I could empathize rather well with Alloy's mental state throughout the chapter. Her... Anger at having her plans quashed felt like... Well, it was especially good.
It remains adorable how she doesn't see that Grit is really fond of her. Good work making that clear to the reader, but keeping the narrator oblivious.
Chapters are short (by FOE standards), but properly laid out. Makes for satisfying, but easily accessible chapters. Not sure if you intend to lengthen them or not, but regardless its an effective hook, even if its distressing at how fast one gets through them.
Better solution is to go and break in to Gumbo's place and wake him up at sword point and inform him that he'd better change mind if he wants to live. It's not like he hasn't got proof that she can kill other ponies with a degree of efficiency
Somepony needs to work on her sword skills if she plans on taking swords to gun fights.
Last line I heard before turning off the car for the night yesterday. I can't imagine anything good coming of this deal, but I suppose that's one way to push the plot along. MASSIVE PUSHES FOR MASSIVE PLOT but it's not a plushplot.
Yet another reminder why leaving gangers or raiders alive is more often bad than good when they're close to home.
Also I couldn't help but imagine the scenario of someone shooting Malice in the face during the intimidation roll. Sure, a lot of people would have died, but it'd have been kind of a silly and abrupt, surreal moment.
Mhmm. Mhmm, I think I definitely see why people like Malice now. You've stumbled on the same phenomenon I have and inadvertently created a waifu. I do have to say that I like how you handled her, though. As far as raiders go she's relatively sane, which I suspect is another reason people seem to have latched on to her. It probably helps that that southern hospitality is showing through her (relatively) polite behavior. I myself am planning to go a different direction with raiders as opposed to the "insane murder machine/cannon fodder/rape-a-palooza" bunch that is so prevalent throughout FoE fics. You'll see that probably around chapter 9. Anywho...
Alloy was handled beautifully during this scene. Her fear and uneasiness was translated incredibly well through the narrative and was damn near palpable. From her passive, submissive behavior to her stuttering while trying to speak to Malice, it was all done incredibly well. In light of all of this, I do feel like she was a little quick to defend herself when forced into combat with Bean, but that she didn't make it through the fight unscathed helps offset that a bit.
Ah, a quest of a time-sensitive nature. I feel like this is something that's been ingrained into most author's minds (myself included) from Fallout itself. It's a good way to lend a sense of urgency to the story, a need for the protagonist to have to get out there and do what has to be done with little to no straying from the path along the way. It's not a bad thing per se, but I do feel like it makes stories a little more... linear, if you catch my drift? No time for sidequests when your mind is on completing your objective as expeditiously as possible. I am curious to see if you'll subvert my expectations with this, or if Alloy will even go over the allotted time and have to deal with Malice personally. I'm certainly eager to see where you take this in the coming chapters.
Well, the town's turned against her. I have to say I was suspecting as much. Alloy's plan of hiring a griffon was just too simple and elegant to succeed. The first plan never survives contact with the enemy, if you'll forgive my impromptu idiom. Terrified people are sheep and will offer up a sacrifice without a second thought if it means they'll be safe. Alloy being as reclusive as she is, it was no surprise that the ponies of Four Shoes were willing to force her out of her home instead of standing beside her or helping her to complete her objective.
Except of course, for our trusty sidekick Grit. I have to say, I wasn't expecting that he'd actually be a stable pony. I honestly thought he'd scavenged the PipBuck from somewhere, or otherwise purchased it from a wandering merchant or something. Interesting. Most interesting indeed. I find myself hoping the pair won't be derailed from their destination, as I'd certainly like to see what the stable experiment thought up by Ham could possibly be. The vaults are my favorite part of any Fallout game, purely because of the experiments.
With that, I'll continue onward and see if any of my further inquisitions will be answered by the story itself.
And thus were there time to read another chapter of what there are slowly growing to be one of my favourite Fo:E stories. For as I reach the end of this chapter can I really only say one thing about it: GASP!
For once do we finally see a main character that dosn't shoot herself out of the problems, starting a fire fight that all are certain she can't win, and which all other characters wins by the skin of their teeth and by a gallon of health potion. For once do we actually see a raider leader with something between her ears, and who actually are surprisingly pleasant to read, love and hate at the exact same time.
Normally when I start on a new Fo:E story and are a few chapters in can I more or less see what there happens a few chapters ahead because they follow pretty much the same formula and tries to imitate the tone of the games one way or the other. Its so lovely to see a story that actually imitates the tone of the setting and not the games for once, its so rarely seen and its really been a long time since I have encountered something like this. So two big, but slow, thumps up from the Doomande.
Single nitpick: "Nervously, the other guard ponies set down their weapons as well." Should it not be a past tense sat instead of a present tense set?
Sorry again about the delays in replying!
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With how nervous I was having a largely noncombatant protagonist (who also got into a pretty serious brawl last chapter), I'm relieved that people seem to be pleased with that. And I have one of these really fun theories about raiders that I integrated here with Malice. One day I might tell it, but for now I'll just leave it that Malice is so much fun to write.
The setting itself was one of the two major drives for writing the story in the first place, behind Alloy herself, and as much as I love the Fallout games (and really, anything set in postapocalyptia), a retelling isn't what I wanted to do. Though funnily enough, by the time I had gotten a few chapters out I was reminded that Point Lookout existed. I actually entirely forgot about it, so consider any similarities accidental. Either way, I'm really glad I still have your interest, enough to have you up that late reading. Thank you for the comments!
I've got to say this malice may be my favorite with red eye, probably more. I've always prefer female villains and kind but murderous villains seeing that here really makes me like this mare. this story may top heroes as my favorite, so down to earth with a realistic character with real problems, that scene where she runs inside and starts crying then tries to go to her "safe place" with the forge that got to me, that's what a real person with her personality would do in her shoes and it doesn't feel over played, this is good writing and I hope to read more.
so essentially these ponies of four hooves are going to be wiped out do to there own fear and incompetence, yeah good they all have guns... they can maintenance themselves, armor.... they can't repair themselves, and the caravans well stop coming as there's no guards for hire. yup that it for four hooves.
Wow. Malice must bored. That, or her gang isn't as widespread as she wishes. Why Elsie would she go after some nobody? Not really that logical.
I really want a happy ending for Grit but I'm not sure if Alloy would ever consider him. He's clearly brave, dutiful, and generally a joy to be around but Alloy has either been oblivious to his advancements because she's been so dedicated to her work or she just is incapable of having romantic feelings. The former is certainly more likely than the latter as the only evidence I would have to support such a claim would be the lack of certain 'perks' and I genuinely hope that it's not the case for Grit's sake. More over, I'm rather certain that the fact they are going together to Shippers is foreshadowing that a romantic relationship with eventually form between them but it could also be argued that shipping rarely depicts the actual reality of the source material being cited (flip a coin).
I'm glad I don't have to wait a month to find out.
Looking over this I can't help but laugh at how concerned I am for Grit's relationship status than I am for them being thrown into the wastes after Alloy nearly dying twice in just the first few chapters. Perhaps it's just a symptom of the Survivor Bias.
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I know this is almost a year later, but... I just want to point out the mention of romantic novels on the sign at Shipper.