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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This is really good. Alloy reminds of the Sword Mare comic Littlepip found in one of the later chapters
Alrighty, now that chapter 2 is up, I can finally reply to y'all without feeling guilty. Because I just want to say that every single time a comment popped up here, it made me grin like an idiot. I might be over-blowing things a bit, but hearing that people enjoy the story or are just curious to see where it's going fills me with all sorts of warm fuzziness, especially given there's not a lot going on in the first chapter. So thanks to all of y'all for reading, and I hope I can continue to fail at storytelling in interesting ways.
Now then!
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I'm really glad you like Alloy, as she's what got inside my head and wouldn't leave me alone for months til I wrote this. Thank you!
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I appreciate the feedback quite a bit, and I certainly hope you like where the story heads. I wish I could give out more information as a teaser, but I'm kinda intent on keeping a lid on spoilers. Anyway, thank you again.
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Okay, remember what I just said above about keeping a lid on spoilers? I'm gonna toss that out the window for a second here. Chapter 2 doesn't have much merchantry going on, but I promise that it does come back, you won't have to wait very long for its return, and it will stick around. Okay, spoiler rule back in place.
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Dammit, I just fixed the spoiler rule. Well, still thank you for the kind words, and...nope, not doing any spoilers. You'll just have to read chapter 2! Some people think they can outsmart me. Maybe...maybe. I've yet to meet one that can outsmart bullet.
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Damn! You had to come along and post while I was typing these up. I'm glad you're enjoying it, though. I wonder what Alloy would think of herself if she found a copy of Sword Mare. Hmm....
Well if those Raiders want war I say give 'em war, also Alloy should have killed that Raider because she has to kill them all now. Anyways good one again
I was almost sure she was going to be captured, but, oh my, her fight was thrilling in how untrained and unsettled she was. Her debate with herself before being discovered, and her thoughts after the fight, all paint a really nice character that I feel I want to get to know. Her shock when she properly realize how close she got to dying, as well. She strikes me as a fairly normal working mare, who's getting pulled into something more.
Very curious to what's going to happen now, but I won't make any guesses! Take your time and have fun, your time between chapters so far is very reasonable~
Oh, almost forgot, that memory orb? I hope we get some more info like that, always fun to explore the world and see how our wasteland ponies react to what they learn.
Finally managed to clear enough time in my schedule to read Chapter 2. I enjoyed it yet again, but there was one moment which sort of jarred me immersion-wise. After she got injured and looked into the briefcase I didn't feel like she had a reason to go searching for the door to the key. Or, let me say it another way. It felt like she did it because the plot needed her to find it rather than because she had a reason to go searching this random ministry office for a secret trapdoor. If I was in her position (recently wounded and being waited on by some Zebras outside) I would go looking too, but only if I was actually playing fallout and knew that by the laws of good game design the zebras would wait for me and the key wasn't just to his house in another city or something.
That's my only real issue though, and could just be me being picky as hell. Otherwise it was enjoyable, and I look forward to the next one.
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War? Who said anything about war? She's clearly just here to buy some smut magazines.
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Thank you again for the comment, I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I like hearing what caught your interest. Not gonna give anything away, mind you, but I still like hearing the ups and downs.
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Nah, you raise a valid point. There's probably a few things I could have added or tweaked to make the scene make a little more sense. I may go back and adjust it later (already thought of a couple ways to improve it), but for now I'll make sure I keep it in mind going forward.
Might be a bit of delay on Chapter 3 due to one of my editors having deadlines to meet that don't involve candy-colored horses.
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I felt her searching made sense, and enjoyed it a lot. I assumed she was trying to deal with her thoughts, letting herself get distracted, and thought it was pretty neat. The zebras waiting for her didn't go through my mind- hm
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You're right, but I could have done a better job showing it, and I went back and fleshed out that section. But, it's nothing significant missed going forward, just made me happier with that section overall.
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Thank you! I'm glad you're enjoying her character, and I really appreciate the comment. Bloodsprites are basically parasprites mutated into mosquitoes. When I was concocting the flora and fauna for the Bayou, one of the first things I thought a swamp needed was mosquitoes, so thus... bloodsprites!
On an unrelated note, I am sorry again for the delay on Chapter 3, but here it is! I hope y'all enjoy.
This sentence is rather awkward. I recommend replacing the double dashes with commas and adding a comma after "I had a chance to line up." It might not help all that much, but it's a start.
You can't "sneer" a word. You can say something with a sneer on your face, though. /pedantoff
This expletive seems oddly-placed given Alloy's personality thus far.
Though it's not wrong, per se, the "and" starting the second sentence reads awkwardly.
Maybe it's just me.
This is another awkward series of events, but I'm not sure how to fix it. Something about shooting -> the middle sentence -> having a grenade tossed seems off. Maybe remove the middle sentence?
I think the second sentence is implied here; you don't really need it.
Another awkward "and," but I thin that's from all my years of being told that it's wrong.
I smell a Pink...
Xekan wasn't named in the last chapter.
Problem, continuity?
This seems like it should have cause at least some sort of discomfort for Alloy, seeing as she is recovering from being shot.
Yay orbs!
Didn't Littlepip trick an alicorn into trapping itself by floating one past its shield?
On second thought, that sentence contradicts its own logic. Carry on.
I am now reading this in Javik's voice.
On first reading, I misread this as "Marzipan." That made a weird mental image.
Now I want some lobster bisque. Jerk.
Style suggestion: Write out numbers. I don't remember where I heard it (possibly in high school), but I remember being told to always write out numbers when writing prose.
I love writing out accents.
And then she burned to death. The End.
Needs a comma after "sleeping."
Heheh. Awkward TG is awkward. Also, put a comma after "Goddesses."
Well, shit.
And, of course, three pony skulls on the same shoulder.
Final thoughts:
Shit is accelerating. I don't know if it's going up or down, but it's picking up speed as it approaches the fan.
Of course! It is a rather impressive collection after all.
But seriously, it's an interesting story thus far, with doing a good job of establishing the setting and Alloy's personality, like making the small bits of jewelry in some of her spare time, or her stance on slavers. Not to mention her realistic reaction to killing the slavers and nearly dying.
It's an amusing change of pace seeing a pony who isn't interested in gallivanting all over the Wasteland trying to right every wrong she sees, and is just interested in keeping her head down and trying to make a life for herself. But as you said, the Wasteland never lets anypony just lead simple lives.
Of all the Fallout crossovers and FoE fics I've read, they've all been about pretty big heroes, but never about a shopkeeper. This is a fresh take I'm glad I've found.
Just finished chapter two, figured I'd get my thoughts down. I really like this story so far. I like the setting, the town feels very natural, and I get the impression that just maybe, we'll get a fic with a character who actually has ties to a "home", and the forge cements that wonderfully, becoming in a sense, its own distinct character.
I've seen that art of Malice floating around, glad to be able to put a solid face to the character right away. Also, props for having raiders that definitely seem to present a threat to... well, everypony around them.
The chapter end gain/loss is a wonderful addition.
I do have to wonder how the story's being related - my initial impression is something along the lines of an oral story, told around a campfire or some such.
Ah, raiders, scumbags all around.
There are so many hundreds of ways in which memory orbs could be hazardous, between potential as an addictive form of entertainment escapism, surrendering control and sensation of one's body for unknown amounts of time, identity confusion, potential traps and locks, orb corruption,.. And it's entirely possible that there are groups dedicated to hunting the things because of their ties to the old world. Her line of logic with her lack of experience is almost certain to get her or someone else into trouble.
Also, YAY MoM! Also this fic has the word balloon in it like. AT least two or three times now, therefore it gets an automatic +1 on the Revelrly Scorechart.
Also some grim and unhappy stuff too, but that's par for the course in the wastelands. I don't remember having any laughs while listening to tihs chapter, but some entertainment was had.
This. Right here? More of this. This is what I'm talking about. That is how you wordsmith, my friend. If you can master colorful descriptions like this, the depth of your combat scenes will improve dramatically. It doesn't have to be rife with over-the-top metaphors and descriptions, but a handful does wonders to really paint a picture. This is a good step towards that.
Ah, I see this is where Alloy's introversion really comes out into the light. Before it was just hand-wavable as her maybe not being chatty, but after this chapter it's unmistakable that she is not a social creature. From the moment she completely shut down as the zebras crowded her to when the narrative showed that she sees small talk as wasting time, to shutting Grit down as she wanders back into Four Shoes, it's very evident by this point.
I really like how you used Alloy's forge towards the end here. Where before it was merely her passion, her calling in life, now it's shone in an entirely new light. It's an escape for our cute little social recluse. Her trade is her stress outlet inasmuch as it is her way of life. Where some people unwind with a stiff drink or a book after a hard day, Alloy's tension bleeds out through her work. I really like this scene, this was a great bit of character development here.
oh
oh what's this
oh my goodness is that malice
>malice
it is malice
C:
I do sadly not have so much to say this time around, beside it is as good quality as I remember it being last time. You do really have a way to make your sentences fit the situations, short, hectic, scenes really seeming as if they are flashing by with how short the sentences are. I do not know if it was intentional or not, but it made for some damn good reading. I do also really like how there are a good feel for time flow in the story, way too often does way too much plot happen in too little time, and a lot of writers does simply not know how to let their characters and audience breathe, but you seem to have mastered that pretty well as well.
Nitpicks
" What if I just ended up the fifth slave on that chain?" Are there not lacking an "as" in this sentence?
"kicking out with my back legs." Really a nitpick, but those are usually called hind legs, and you call them back legs multiple times
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I really am pleased with how the shorter, choppy sentences in this chapter came out. The intent was to keep the pace quick, and sorta reflect Alloy's own frantic thoughts in combat, especially since she's not terribly apt at it. Still, I'm very glad you liked the pacing. It's one of those things I'm always worried about in writing.
As for the nitpicks:
--I'm of two minds on this first one. I believe the sentence is at least grammatically correct as-is, but there's something to be said for ease of reading, and anything that makes the reader stutter a bit isn't great (unless that's intended). I'll have to mull it over.
--Yeaaaaaa, I got better about that eventually (I think) but you're entirely right.
Still very glad to have you back reading this, and thank you again for your comment.
That was a great chapter. The conflict and action were realistic to a degree I have not seen in a Foe fic. The dedication to your character's reactions to the fight, both during and after, gives the whole story a tension and suspense that most fics don't have. Why care about the character when it's clear they're in no danger? I enjoyed Foe and Foe Project horizons, but they were never this thrilling. Thank you for suspending my disbelief; I can't wait to move on to the next chapter.
Why is it that people already know who Malice is? Should I? Is she from something else. I'm confused.