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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Nice take on the setting and character introduction . I've read several dozen FoE spinoffs and, as far as this is written, it is one of the better pieces. I'm look forward to seeing more.
Also, have a spike.
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Thanks, I really appreciate your comment . Rather made my day for a few days actually, hehe.
Hard at work on chapter 2, hopefully you won't have to wait long.
Very interesting so far, and I already like our young blacksmith quite a bit. I'm very curious to see how this will turn out, with that kind of personality. The quality seems great, and different from many of the things I've read. I've not got a lot to say yet, but I am definitely following this from now on!
Thanks for suggesting it to me~
This is pretty interesting so far, and your writing style is easy to read. I am interested to see what happens in the future.
Huh. A Fallout: Equestria side story that seems to actually be primarily about the matters of being a merchant. Neat!
What I read thus far was interesting. I'll have to see where it goes.
I can already tell that she is going to get knocked out and captured, then she will kill the slavers. Also good so far
Oh. I was thinking in the entirely opposite direction. This makes more sense.
You should see a doctor about that.
And now for some reason I'm hearing the common Bill Cosby impression as his voice.
Look, Alloy, Allie, Al. You know you're the only one who can hear your heartbeat, right?
Freaking natural 1's...
I wasn't going to say anything, but this is... yeah, you know what you're doing here, never mind.
Hey! A zebra with an exotic-sounding name that doesn't start with an X or Z! Whaddya know, it can be done!
The short time lapse in this sentence is... odd. Not bad, but I feel there probably was a better way to word it.
Hmm... so not everyone knows the Mane Six. I suppose that makes sense; if you're not born in a Stable, you probably would have a hard time getting an education. But has Alloy not herd any tales of their escapades and/or accomplishments? This is an interesting choice, and I like it.
There might be some Rangers who would have an issue with that...
Sentence fragment.
Laaaaaaame.
I read this after killing zombies on CoD all night and now I feel like a zombie because no sleep. Bleh. But I'm back and your story is still interesting for me. There were sections that my mind was wondering, but it was a good sort of wonder where my imagination kind of splits in reading your story and thinking about my own things. Inspiration you could say. But alas, sometimes when I'm tired and that happens I miss detail. And I believe the finer details were lost on me in this chapter because of my silly incompetence to get rest. Oh well, what mattered was that it was a lovely late night read, (early morning, heh.) and I enjoyed it.
The chapter started off with a bit of excitement between Alloy and the slaver. After that it shows us some characterization. She can out up a front of being tough, but she isn't fearless. And right after that bit she has the run in with those evil blood suckers. Sounded terrifying and I would not want to be the poor guy who got caught by one of those. *Shivers* She got away unscathed and was able to do her business. It goes to show that traders in these kinds of worlds have a good bit of adventure themselves. You don't need to be thrust into the world and start a big journey to have a good story. Many times it begins with individuals who are already experienced and in a position to get involved.
The ending still felt a little bit like she was just thrust into something. But isn't that how life works? Isn't that how the world works? It takes some random shop keeper who just wants to make sutff, and throws her into the world! I'm eager to know what happens next and look forward to when I read and review the next chapter. Again, the finer details were lost on me, but the chapter in whole was a great read. Thank you, and goodnight.
Quaver Ava
I remember reading this chapter before, but I didn't remember the hoofcuff denial being right at the start. Yay for business ethics and positive moral stances! Or something!
I suppose I should mention that most of my reading is via Text to Squeak on the daily work commute, so I'll be missing details left and right.
Also, yay for MoM Stuff. I like MoM. ^.^ Even if they got a little loco in the coco as the war went on.
Okay, here we go. Now the ball is starting to roll. We haven't quite gotten settled into the story yet but things are clearly taking direction. Doubly so after the chapter end.
Leave it to a slaver to try and start shit within earshot of a crowd of ponies. I really liked how calm Alloy was under pressure. That she held fast to her principles even when her life was threatened really speaks to her character. Not only that, but it seems as though she drums up just enough business to make ends meet, though it may be too early in the story to tell at a glance. Turning down a payment on moral obligations is admirable, especially considering the situation she was in.
Ooh, now I really liked Alloy's trip to Shipper. I do remember you telling me at one point that Alloy isn't a fighter, and you did a really great job of showing that. Her very cautious, deliberate actions while she's traveling from Four Shoes to Shipper betray her aversion to combat. She behaves very much like a prey animal and not a predator, which really helps sell her discomfort at the thought of being forced to fight for her safety.
When push comes to shove though, it's clear that she can certainly take care of herself. It would seem that she's not much for gunplay, though. I take it Alloy prefers melee combat? Fuck the bloodsprites, though. Fuck them. That is one of two mutated creatures I would never want to have to deal with in the post-apocalypse, and the other just so happens to be a regional enemy in Outlaw.
The fight with the bloodsprites was pretty good, definitely far better than a lot of combat scenes I've read. I do think you can do better, though. A sprinkling of metaphors would spice this little scene up good and plenty. Give it some real pizazz, y'know? Paint a picture! Sell me on it! You've done this well, just a little extra attention and you'll have some great fight choreography.
So Shipper's an all-zebra settlement, is it? Interesting. That must mean that the ponies of New Oreins have managed to shake the lasting prejudice from the war, or at least they're less prejudiced than the rest of Equestria. It's been three years since I've read FoE, so I can't remember how exactly zebras were treated in general. All I can remember is that Xenith was mistreated by her captors for being a zebra. In any event, Alloy is either not prejudiced at all, or she's willing to deal with zebras to get her hooves on coal. She doesn't seem like the type to care enough about ponies to judge somepony based on race, though.
Uh-oh, here we go! Alloy's customized herself a nice bit of barding, she's laden with weapons that may be desirable to the unscrupulous company she's just happened across, and to top it all off, she's being stalked. These are all the puzzle pieces to assemble oneself an epic adventure! I can see that the story's really about to gain some direction now, and I look forward to seeing what fate has in store for our humble little businessmare.
Until next time, Ham!
Lets see if good customer service equals a good REVIEW TIME! In general do I not write a new one of these before I know that the author of the story have seen it, and written a little comment so I know if there are anything that I should look out for or not... or if the review even sank in. But what the heck, I liked the first chapter, so time for another one.
I must admit that the first segment of this story were a bit of a curved ball in my eyes, I had honestly first expected Alloy to say no because of professionalism, her not wanting to make hoofcuffs because they would end up being used for kinky smexy time, but seeing that the order wasn't just for one set did the bottlecap hit the ground. I do not know if it is me that have been tainted with too many Fo:E stories that are hinting sex where ever they can because it is bait for the teens to read on, or maybe am I just that perverted... maybe a bit of both to be honest, but it was a lovely curved ball after all.
Seeing more and more of Alloy, all of her nuances, how professional she is, how she isn't used to battle as most other characters are, how we for once have a mare that did the clever choice of a weapon that can't jam or make too much noise (unless you throw it on the ground of course), and all the other small things, makes me really like her. Its nice to feel like I already have a solid grip of your character here 9K words into the story, you (as I also said last time) really knowing how to incorporate that exposition and description into your chapters. Again would I also say that at times could it perhaps have been done a bit better, there were a few really rare episodes where I felt that I was told about what there was going on instead of shown, on the positive site was the situations so small that they normally would flew under my radar and not worth mentioning, but seeing that you are more than capable of making your world spring to live does it make me a bit sad each time that I find them.
So reading this segment "I pulled out my paint and brush, taking several attempts to paint a sketch of the design I wanted on each shoulder. I lost count of how many times I angrily scrubbed off the paint, unsatisfied with my outline." did I get a little bit curios. Are there any specific reason as for why she dosn't use something of less value as soot, a pointed piece of metal to scratch it in or something third to sketch with? Alloy is a smart mare, and should know that one shouldn't waste pre-war paint just like that, or is there something that I have missed?
And now to something that dosn't really have anything to do with the story as such, not directly, but seeing as it seems that you know a bit about smiting and such, have you thought about adding things like peat and bog iron into the story at some point? Seeing as the setting is a sump would it be the perfect place for peat, and having an oven like Alloy does would it be a rather useful material. I do know that it wasn't mentioned in the original, or isn't mentioned that often in general, but with 200 years or so without any proper fuel as such because of all the dead tress, and no more coal would one think that the ponies found out that peat was a smart thing to burn. Here in the same segment can I just as well mention the lovely "bog iron", try google it at a point, that could maybe be a plotpoint in the future seeing as you have a new source of iron ore there.
PS. Huzzah! I did perhaps not get my gay bondage loving couple, but I did at least get some clop out of this! "...hooves clopping noisily on concrete" I knew that this story were going saucy places with that kind of intro! And it are only getting better and better as time goes on, a whole store of smut being known to our dear Alloy... I will bet my whole life savings of caps that a metal dildo will be made before this story is complete!
Nitpicks:
"My horn lit with green magic and I telekinetically drew my sword and pistol" I do not know if it is just me, but this sounds rather clunky worded in my ears.
"It’s getting closer." You have used a lot of spaces in front of this sentence instead of the tap button, either that or fimfic made a derp when you posted this.
"It was a wide-open enough area that nothing would get the jump on me before I caught sight of it" I think that you need to move some words around in this sentence.
"I galloped down a hallway and around a corner, into part of the building I’d never been to" I think that you either need an a in front of that part there, or put a plural s on the end of it to make your sentence work.
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I recognise that this comment was written two years ago; my confusion over said comment is current and overbearing, so I'll indulge myself in responding regardless. First of all, yes, you do seem to read " too many Fo:E stories that are hinting sex where ever they can". If your reaction to a slaver trying to commision cuffs and collars was "ooh sexy times", rather than acknowledging that they, i don't know, want to use them for slavery? You know, tearing ponies from their homes and family to live and die in terrible conditions? The story is well written and has adult themes, but, in the absence of a sex tag, I doubt that the story is going to be delving toward that kind of smut. Not that it was ever really implied. Regardless, I agree that it is a good story. Who knows, maybe i'll be surprised.