Closure · 7:29am Oct 5th, 2022
Hey! Not sure how many will still see this final entry. Been a minute, innit. And I'm afraid it'll probably be another minute; I've not returned to Fimfiction to stay. Also I'm sleepy as fuck rn cos I'm usually waking up four three hours from now so prepare for nonsense.
Commissions may not have happened when I needed them, but I'm doing better, financially. Instead of paying rent, I'm paying a mortgage! Throws me for a loop every time I think about it. Shouldn't have been possible. In this capitalist hellscape, it all boils down to luck. That puts an end to my wife's constant habit of wanting to move out of our apartment and forcing me to change jobs to make it work, haha. Stability is important.
In more important ways, though, I've been kinda a mess for a long time. Haven't been able to write since 2019 and haven't read a book since something like 2017. My anorexia tried to resurface for a while, though I think I held it at bay as well as anyone could. Spent the last few years afraid of people. Afraid to let go of what once was, too, but more afraid to look to what could be.
Watching the emotional support server I'd built as a safe haven for all who needed it crumble into cliques and sniping and dust didn't help. Losing my man Coffee Bean -- two and a half years ago today -- didn't help. Slipping out of touch with friends I'd called family because it seemed like what I brought to the table was worse for them than my absence would be... didn't help. Post-2015 politics didn't help. The plague sure didn't help, haha, especially trying to support a wife and raise a child during plague times. Did I tell y'all about my stepson? Yeah, it's neat. He's in double digits. Wild.
Anyway, yeah! Thought I was busy with the important stuff and let myself get tossed to the wayside, because it was easier than trying to figure out why I hurt so much all the time. It was the easier way, in theory. Lately, though, I'm very slowly realizing that this was Unwise(tm) and trying to fix it. Blame the estrogen, haha, because I finally have insurance that'll cover a medical transition. Started in early summer and it's already a treat. I've put the time in to see other doctors too, for the first time in years, so that might put my ever-present questions about being on the autistic spectrum to rest soon. They also say I've gained a whole fourteen pounds over the three years since I last saw a doctor, and that's fantastic news after an eating disorder! And I'm reading a book! Sing Backwards and Weep, the autobiography of the late Mark Lanegan, whose music some of you might remember got me through writing Folksong at the tail end of 2013. I've even started feeling like I can spend money on my own needs and even my own enjoyment, and I'm even putting my foot down about what I want from life a lot more than I used to. It's not nearly to the point I want it to be, but it's a start.
But I think the best place to move forward from here would be to look for some kind of closure.
Adda le Blue is and will always be an incredible and important part of my life. I don't think I can live up to what the name carries, though, and even if I could, I don't think I could live with the weight of it. I need to shed all the expectations I've so willingly and so helpfully hoisted onto my own shoulders, and learn how to live again. Now, I would never pretend that my time on Fimfiction didn't happen or any of that nonsense -- I'll always be a horse girl in some way or another -- but I'm not that person anymore. Call it growth, or understand that I might be weaker than I was when you met me and need room to grow in the cracks in the concrete in which I've planted myself.
Honestly, a good-sized nail in the coffin was the story I wrote for cash. Wasn't a proud moment for me. Not because it's smut; I'm still as open and unashamed about sex and sexuality as ever, and will remain that way until I become another listing under tvtropes/BuryYourGays, haha. No, it's because the only commission request I got was one that compromised my morals and in my desperate financial situation I didn't have any choice but to take it. It's a good story, probably. I remember it being well written. I'm biased, sure, and I haven't read it since... probably since I posted it. It's just that, you know, the story also haunted me until it chased me off Fimfiction. Truly. Y'all know how I feel about certain things, especially if you'd read the last upload on this account. The one with all the trigger tags. What I had to write to feed my son was technically unrelated, but technicalities don't soothe my PTSD or my sense of worth, haha. It's only fair that I can take this story and that account out of circulation since it took me out of circulation first, yeah?
On takedowns... I don't think anything else will disappear -- well, aside from what had already disappeared over my hiatus. This account stays. I'm not promising any substantial edits for readability or whatever, let alone sequels, but the stories can stay. Even that trigger-coated story I'd mentioned just above, the one that's just too hard to read, is, you know, purposeful? I guess? If you look at it funny. It's not the best note to end on, but it's the last note I hit. It is what it is. That might change after I sleep on it, but for now, it and everything else on this account will stay.
I'm running on the fumes of the one meal I'd remembered to eat today and I'm five hours and twenty minutes past my bedtime, so I'm probably gonna crash in a second, but I just wanted to apologize for disappearing so miserably and let you know how much it means to me to have meant a thing to you. Funnily enough, when I signed into this website to write this up and post it, I saw that I'm still getting the occasional message from people who read How the Other Half Lives back in like 2015 and grew up to be out and proud trans or queer or ace or otherwise amazing people and it's still happening! It still matters! That makes it all feel like time well spent. These people are living their best lives and getting, like, PHDs or partners or their life on track or whatever! The happiness they deserve! Happiness that had felt unattainable! I'm tagging that story in the menu below. Why not?
Knowing it's so attainable, maybe I should take the time to find my own, yeah? 
I'd like to start writing... And I stumble on, a daisy through concrete.
Love to Zoe, Valerie, Nagi, Mya, Wolfcape, Regidar, the Changeling Panic crowd, the boys of Discord, my star Master18, every reader and writer I've met and loved and missed, every one of you who scrolled through a single story I wrote and left a comment or a thumb or a view, and our man Coffee Bean. Maybe I'm not as far as I'd like, but I couldn't have gotten this far without you.
Maybe I'll be a bit farther next time you see me, yeah?
~ Adda le Blue
wow :O it sounds like you're definitely having a life!
grats on the transition :)
Hey, I haven’t gotten a PhD yet! I’m still in undergrad. But not for much longer. Hearing that you’re keeping the stories up is a relief too because it’s always sad when these things go missing.
It’s always good to hear from you. Hopefully we can catch up soon.
Straight up, I'm so happy for you! I hope everything goes your way, sincerely
...and I definitely hope I get to hear from you again soon.
Came across this late, but thanks for posting it. Always sad to see a story abandoned, even if it was one that pushed the wrong buttons for me; but it's good to have closure.
Sorry that commissions didn't work out. I had your name recommended at one point, but ended up hiring someone else.