Leaving Tracks: Fogged Over · 12:37am Aug 10th, 2022
I don't even know how to start this. I'm just going to do it. There, I've started the blog. I wish I had better news.
Let's talk about me. I usually start these things by talking about writing and then transition to talking about me, but this will be different. Not because I need to give y'all updates, but because to understand what's going on with my writing, you've really got to understand what's going on with my life.
I separated from my wife. For those keeping track, she was my first collaborator on Who We Become, the inspiration for how I write pony Fluttershy. This is, of course, far from her biggest impact on my life, but it is perhaps the only tangible thing I can point to for my average reader.
Angel and I met when we were in high school, we started dating when we were sixteen. The relationship lasted fifteen years, which is just shy of half of my life, not to mention my entire adulthood. What I'm getting at is my entire life changed in the past year. The details of exactly what happened are not going to be discussed. She remains my best friend, and even if we hated each other, I would respect her privacy. She is not particularly in the fandom, but still, I loathe the thought of a bunch of people knowing her business without her being involved in telling it to you.
About a month ago, I moved in with my girlfriend, bats. This involved me moving across the country, and left me without insurance. I'm working on getting insurance with my new state, but I was on state-funded insurance and, well, I no longer live there. Even if I had insurance, getting into a mental health facility is a long process. So normally they would have given me enough meds to cover that transitionary period, but a series of events made that not possible. So I moved out here with like two weeks' worth of meds, which I spaced out for a month, but which are now out.
So no meds. Those following along for a while might remember that my meds are pretty damn necessary for me to function. I still have my HRT because that doctor was competent, but my mental health meds are nada. I was on three: an antidepressant for obvious reasons, an antipsychotic to reduce the intrusive suicidal thoughts, and Adderall to help me focus on stuff. Without them it just feels like my whole life is fogged over, and like I'm not fully in control of myself. Not in drastic ways, just like...
Well, today I wanted to write. Like just wanted to so badly. Instead I played with my Rubik's Cube and did Wordle puzzles. I'm so fucking sick of both of those because I just do them all day long. No reason, not because I enjoy it, but just because solving puzzles gives me the tiniest modicum of happy chemicals I guess and my brain is so desperate for that shit right now. But like, I broke down crying today because I just couldn't write. I knew what to write. I know what happens in the story, it would be so freaking easy to work on writing it. Except I can't. I literally am not in control of my body enough to open the fucking tab and start writing. but I did solve like half a dozen Wordles since starting this blog so yay???
I do have an appointment at a new mental health place, but it's three weeks away still. In the meantime, I'm just so fucking sick of not being in control.
Let's force some good news in this thing, eh? I don't have to work at the moment (the last time I worked without my antipsychotic I tried to kill myself), largely because bats is capable and willing to support me in this time. Meanwhile, thedarkprep has been making sure I do things I can't force myself to do, like scheduling appointments and making stuff happen. I have been blessed by two wonderful girlfriends, without whom I would be lost. My other friends have also been extremely helpful in this time, and all in all I'm getting through it.
I've also made some progress on my original novel. A short prologue, a first chapter, and most of a second chapter have been finished. It isn't to anything interesting yet, but it's started. And while this stuff is frustrating, I'm not at risk. I will make it through this. But just god fucking damn I hate being held hostage by my screwed-up brain.
I promise to be here to lean on for the bad days, and to celebrate with you for the good days, but you knew that already.
damn sounds rough, sorry to hear that.
*sends hugs* Best of luck, Krickis.
I feel this in a big way. :( I hope your insurance goes through swiftly.
Hugs. Executive dysfunction is wild. I've been trying to study it and how brains and neurochemistry work in general to try to help myself and others. Would love to chat with you about it if that would help at all
WARNING THE FOLLOWING SUGGESTION CARRIES MANY INHERENT POTENTIAL RISKS
I can't speak for the non-stimulant medications and the magic of our fucked up for profit Healthcare system, but if you're really really desperate for that sweet sweet amphetamine dopamine magic, you can extremely carefully and cautiously and only as the last resort substitute methamphetamine aka meth, taken orally in crystal form. It hits all the same neuroreceptors plus a few extras, but because we live in an authoritarian police state that hates fun, the stuff is extremely illegal and thus completely unregulated so if you're going to do that make sure you get some Narcan first and try not to use it too much too long too often. It's really strong and really cheap and so a little will go a long ways if you practice self restraint like Pinkie Pie instead of whatever the fuck Trixie's doing, and it will help with your focus (and awakeness/alertness) and it is in fact occasionally prescribed for that and weight loss when other treatments aren't working under the prescription name desoxyn I think.
Less effective but massively safer and easier, caffeine pills will help a bit as caffeine hits some of the same neuro receptors as well. There's a reason tons of normies drink it!
Anyway best of luck with everything. I'm glad you and your wife are still friends I think in situations where a marriage doesn't work out or extremely very reasons, that's the best possible result if both people aren't like horrible monsters or anything
I really hope you can get your medications soon. I've been without my own ADHD medication for over a month now, so I know it fucking such. It sounds like you and Angel are on good enough terms unless I'm reading this wrong. That's more than I've seen many, many people go through after such a split.
Best of luck to you. Hopefully you can get your meds back as soon as possible.
Wishing you the best. Good luck with getting your meds and leaving the fog.
Look I'm just gonna say it, in case anyone is lurking on a week-old blog. Don't do meth. Don't recommend mentally ill people use hard drugs to self-medicate. File all of this under "things I shouldn't have to say out loud".