Forget not that I am a derp.
Just going to leave a link to a vulgarity-laced but very insightful rant on the biomechanics of horses. It's up to you how much of this applies to little ponies, but the evolutionarily imposed anxiety certainly explains a few things.
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...... okay then.
What I'm getting from this is that horses are the ungulate equivalent of a cobbled together, mad max frankencar.
We voluntarily ride both.
This says a lot about the human species.
The Royal Canterlot Voice says that our magical friendship equines do not have weak lungs.
Horse biology is a horrible cobbled together mess that barely works, and it doesn't need to be nearly as painful for them as it actually is.
In that respect, they have much in common with humans.
My Fragile Pony: We Don't Got Enough Toes!
Man, evolution can be a bitch. Thanks for the fascinating and funny link. my favorite type of science learning experience.
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periods and childbirth come to mind.
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I actually had a screenshot of someone's rant about that exact subject which I was going to post, very similar to the one FOME linked, but I can no longer find it. I suspect that it's somewhere in my mystery folder of files I never properly named.
That's something I've put in a few fics: running away/flying away is always a good first option.
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Horses do adapt pretty fast to new conditions, including biological changes. Maybe that has to do with how they're Frankensteined together.
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Just the alicorns. Presumably because they have the lung capacity of all three tribes combined.
Goddammit FOME, my sides
That does explain a lot of book horse indeed.
5653708 And yet they ran wild in the West, increasing their numbers in wild herds. (Although the moment you put one in a huge pen in the back of your house, they immediately develop twelve diseases that require exotic medicines to treat and need a personal visit from a vet and a farrier every few months or they'll die immediately.)
This.... I have no idea what I just read. It's both informative and oh my God the quips, the vulgarity-laced Layman's terms, I'm still laughing at the dog and redneck jokes, THIS SHOULD NOT BE THIS FUNNY GIVEN THE SUBJECT MANNER
Would this be considered Black Comedy Informative? Or something cruder?
Thank you, I needed this.
I read this same text a while back on Facebook, and it made me wonder how in the hell horses survive long enough to... well, to do anything, really.
In my personal headcanon, however, magical marshmallow pastel ponies can actually lay claim to having been intelligently designed, as they were engineered (magically, and possibly scientfically as well) thousands of years in their past from the conventional equines described in the link. The culprit? One of the many human populations littering the multiverse, of course.
Interesting! Thanks.
Tiny Sapient Ungulates with their multiple toes laugh at your misery!
Haven't watched it yet, but I bet it will be hilarious... and familiar. There's a very good reason why I prefer working with donkeys, burros, and mules!
EDIT: Thought it was a video. Oh Ghod!
Not exactly what I was expecting (except for the continuous state of panic) but yeah, all of that tracks so very well. The horse owners around me are incredibly superstitious about medical care for their beasts because they just can't believe that horses will often just break for no apparent reason. The vets roll their eyes when asked about Chinese herbs, acupuncture,* or chiropractory, but take the fools' money anyway, and then dispose of the results.
----------
* I should more accurately say acupressure. I'm sure somebody tried to stick a bunch of foot-long needles into a horse at one point, and I sure his family misses him very much.
Given they can manipulate things with their hooves, ponies probably do have more toes.
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See also:
our spines are not shaped to support us standing upright
the nerve that carries optical data away from the eye is attached at the front corner, not the very back
the appendix
we have too many teeth to fit into our jaws so we frequently need to either get some surgically removed or weld metal onto them to force them to grow into an alignment that fits
something like 8% of our dna is just viruses that moved in and stayed there
Well... promising I'm not deliberately trying to be contradictiing, I would say that much of this isn't applicable to MLP ponies, not in the least because their magic likely compensates for a lot of the biological shortcomings mentioned there, and they are already different from real horses in many other ways anyway.
That said, I can see it maybe having been applicable to their ancestors. And whether it is applicable to our little ponies or not, it was still an interesting read. Thank you for having shared this! :)
The panic-instinct definitely tracks.
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And much like actual female dogs, it's entirely the result of being a dumb animal who doesn't know any better.
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And I vaguely recall that the part of the brain responsible for processing that data is also on the blatantly wrong side.
Something else I remember is that giraffes have the same number of neck bones that we do, which causes exactly the problems you'd expect.
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Not sure about most of this, but I believe science now classifies the appendix as an organ that does serve a purpose, but we can live without it if necessary.
The teeth thing is a very interesting evolutionary adaptation. Wisdom teeth are so called because they come in later in life, after we've gained " wisdom ". Before we had any concept of dental hygiene, it was very common to lose many of our teeth by early adulthood. So it made perfect evolutionary sense for there to be a greater advantage if new teeth miraculously appeared in a person's mouth around that time. Now, it's just a pain... Literally. That said, some people are born without wisdom teeth. Ain't evolution grand?
5653768 One small point that I remember from talking with a relative who has horses: Alfalfa. Horses love it, you can feed it to them a lot, BUT the process of harvesting alfalfa with a swather *normally* includes a set of rubber rollers (crimper) behind the cutter that crushes the stems as they are placed in the windrow to dry. If you harvest alfalfa with crimper, and you happen to have any blister beetles in there, the beetles get crushed and die. The crushed dead beetle when eaten by a horse will then burn a hole in their intestines and kill them dead.
So don't feed horses crimped alfalfa.
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White people in America and Australia b liek:
c.tenor.com/3voN-SamMLgAAAAC/rookie-numbers.gif
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Blister Beatles don't sound very fun. I'm guessing they'll give you blisters from some acidic liquid or coating or something as a defense mechanism against predators and horse intestines?
My mom has a horse. I'm totally gonna send her this!
Discord and actual horses have more in common than one might be will to admit... but I'm perfectly willing to point out.
As bad as it it for MLP ponies with all those health issues, just imagine how stressful it would be for the other sapients having to share a planet with those colourful bundles of barely healthy neurosis who just so happen to control everything up to the weather, geologic processes, night/day, seasons, and the very firmament above.
I imagine Maalox would be consumed by the litre (in appropriately named pony kegs) by all of Equestria's neighbouring nations every Tuesday out of fear that a frustrated Cutie Mark or an abnormally large gathering of bunnies triggers a panic followed shortly thereafter by a planet-wide extinction event.
5653813
Oh yeah, the list of "Don't do X, or your horse will die" is a very long one. Even things like a little mold in their hay can cause huge respiratory problems. Ever mash a fingernail and have it turn blue? That's death for a horse. Eat an Italian thistle? Death!
But my "favorite" thing about horses is that they're dumb enough to be terrified by things like white fence posts, but just smart enough to remember a post was white after you've repainted it, and spook anyway.
5653886 5653890 Canon-accurate alicorns would make for very interesting fics.
There was an alicorn in the chandelier of the Royal Hall.
Everypony knew it, since the process of an alicorn ascending into the ceiling and wrapping around the reinforced (because it had happened before) cluster of crystals was rather loud, lengthy, and... Well, loud. The Royal Canterlot Scream had been known to carry for miles, and those in the castle who heard it paused briefly in their tasks to see if perhaps a matching screech could be heard from the Ponyville direction as Twilight resonated with her teacher's terror. In short order, a squad of armored Royal Guards stampeded into the emptied chambers and began to poke around with spears. One notable brilliant member of the golden guards had the common sense to look in an upward direction -- although not too much since Celestia's rear was pointed in the downward direction -- and call out a question.
"Your Highness! What did you see?"
"Sp-sp-sp-spidereseses!!" she screeched, gaining a little more altitude at the cost of several ill-fastened crystals. "In the cushions! Three at least!"
---
There was an alicorn and an entire squad of Royal Guards in the chandelier of the Royal Hall...
Did a Chinese translation of this lovely piece of literature for anyone who might need it (likely none here, but still).
5653929
The Royal Hall burned brightly, throwing the classical architecture of Old Canterlot into stark relief by the light of the roaring flames.
Luna played a jaunty little tune on a kazoo. Tiberius, dressed in jauntily dapper evening wear, sat on her mane and played accompaniment with a jaw harp.
Celestia cocked an eyebrow at Luna
"What? 'Tis a noble tradition for rulers to play an instrument while their city burns. Just like Feather August."
Celestia rolled her eyes. "First of all, that was Neighro, not Feather, and second I would hardly call this burning down all Canterlot!"
"Oh I don't know Sister," Luna glanced slyly at Celestia with a slight smirk. "The night is still young, and besides when have you ever done anything in half measures?"
Celestia merely sat down with a huff and stared into the swirling flames in silence while Tiberias and Luna played on.
Luna paused to raise a protective heat shield around a team of pegasi guiding a small, rain swollen thunderhead over the blaze.
"I don't think I remember him Sister. Was Neighro the little colt who tried to swallow a frog and got bad gas from asparagus?"
"No Luna," Celestia tittered behind her hoof, "that was not Neighro. Neighro was the colt who liked to chase and catch parasprites, and who tripped over his tail and spilled that expensive basket of strawberries."
"Oh."
"Umm... Excuse me? Princesses?"
Both Celestia and Luna turned to see a diminutive owl and tabby griffon standing off to the side wearing a natty tweed jacket.
"And who might you be?"
"Oh! I am sorry your Highnesses. I am Geir Gellert, Professor of Equestrian Entomology and Geology at Ponyville University. I heard something about spiders?"
Celestis visibly shuddered and closed her eyes in a wince. "Yes. Spiders. At least three of them. They burrowed out of the marble floor and into the cushion. My cushion. The cushion I was sitting on."
"You said they came out of the marble floor?" Geir's ear-tufts perked up and he leaned forward in visible excitement. "Did you see their colour? Were they blue and glittery by any chance?"
"As a matter of fact, now that you mention it, yes I do recall they were quite blue and sparkly."
"Those, my dear princesses are no mere spider! Those Mountain Sapphire Arocknids! Long thought to be extinct! I studied those for my rocktorate. My whole life's work, I have only had mineral fragments and oral legends, but now, after all these years, you discover not one, but three specimens!" Gier was all but bobbing up and down in excitement and leaned in, "How big were they?"
"Huge!" Celestia held her hooves half a hoofwidth apart. "I have never seen spiders that large since Luna and I fought in the Great Burning of the Southern Woodlands."
Gier jerked back in disbelief. "But that is impossible! No arocknid was ever that small!" He paused, thoughtfully tapping his beak with a talon. "Unless..."
"Unless?"
"Unless... Unless they were gravid females! Oh this is wonderful Princess! Do you know what this means?"
"No?"
"It means there is a sizeable breeding population of arocknids living under Canterlot! If you saw that many above ground, there may be hundreds, if not tens of thousands of them in the old Crystal Mines throughout the Canterhorn! They are not extinct after all! Isn't that wonderful?"
---
The Canterhorn glowed a bright yellow-orange, slowly oozing down to the burning plains below as a searing, actinic column of magic boiled the peak into super-heated plasma.
Luna continued to play the kazoo.
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"Annddd... done!"
Local human Jessie stood back to admire the fresh coat of eggshell blue on the Hills Hoist in her front yard. It originally sported a fetching white enamel coating, but after yesterday, Jessie decided it was best she change the colour.
Maybe it was the two milk-stallions who reared back in fright and jack-knifed their milk cart. Maybe it was Derpy cowering and whimpering piteously behind the postbox. Or maybe it was the little filly who tripped amidst the stampede of her terrified classmates and sat bawling in the middle of the walk with a skinned knee.
Regardless of how it began, it certainly ended when sergeant Sentry bravely dove out of the sun and toppled the Hoist with a flying hoof-kick. Jessie lost some of her underthings to grass-stains, but Ponyville gained a new hero.
Silly little ponies...
Jessie shook her head. Hopefully the new blue coating would not spook her neighbours and she could finally finish her laundry.
The sound of flapping wings and a soft *thump* brought her out of her reverie. Only one pony she knew sounded like that, with that distinctive little stumble-step.
"Good morning Derpy."
"Wow! You're really good at that! You didn't even see me and I was trying my best to be extra quiet! I got your mail and I—"
Jessie was about to ask Derpy about her mail, but caught short when she saw Derpy's reaction. Ears splayed, nostrils flaring, muscles taught, eyes wide and staring. she was frightened, absolutely terrified.
Jesse held out her hands placatingly and tried to calm the spooked mailmare.
Don't want to create another scene like yesterday and possibly hurt another filly or colt on their way to school.
"Derpy? Derpy, it's OK. There is nothing to fear, it's going to be OK—"
"No! Nononononoooo! It was white yesterday but now it's blue! It's blue! Bluuueee!"
Derpy took to the air with a burst of loose feathers and fluttering envelopes as she flew off with a terrified wail of "It's blueeee!"
Jessie pinched the bridge of her nose and shook her head in exasperation. So much for not creating a scene. She looked up and down her street and saw several parents stamping the side-walk nervously, shielding their colts and fillies from the terrible spectre of Once White But Blue Today.
Things were rapidly getting out of hand—err hoof.
The sound of more flapping caused Jessie to look up to the sight of a uniformed Rainbow Dash leading a flight of Friendship Guard pegasi.
One of the guards, the one with the most bars on his little horsey epaulettes, reared back in shock, quickly assessed the situation and started barking orders.
"Oh Tirek's teats! She was right! It was white, but it is now blue! Dash! Go get the princess! I don't care if she is still sleeping, showering, or eating breakfast! This is an emergency! It's blue now!"
Dash snapped a quick salute and zipped off towards the Crystal Tree House.
The commander pegasus wheeled around to the other guards.
"Star! Patrol! You two take the south side of the street. Bumblebee and Copper take the north! Get these civilians back and protect them. It's blue now, but the princess should be her soon. I'll protect the human!"
Jessie tried to call out to them. "Wait! It's not going to—"
The pegasus commander touched down, imposing his armoured body between Jessie and the Once White But Now Blue Hoist of Doom.
"Ma'am! It's going to be OK! I'm here to help you. Follow me and I will protect you!"
He spread his wing and gently, but irresistibly began to herd her away. Sure these little ponies barely reached past her navel, but she had seen them pull houses. Her few dozen kilos would hardly be noticed.
"Ma'am please don't panic. We need to move you to a safe place. I will guard your back, don't you worry—"
*whummmmm*
A glowing, shimmering magenta dome suddenly materialized around the hoist. Princess Twilight had arrived.
She may have been sporting a rubber duckie in her mane and trailing a stream of bubbles from her abbreviated morning bubble bath, but one look at the streams of fiery mana arcing off her body and her ferocious glare showed this was no laughing matter. Her little ponies were threatened. No matter how hard it tried to hide the fact it was white yesterday by being blue today, she would find it and destroy it.
*crack*
The magic dome disappeared in an actinic flash along with the Hills Hoist. And a sizeable chunk of Jessie's front lawn to boot. All that remained was a hemispherical depression of glowing vitrified glass, softly pinging and cracking as it cooled in the morning air.
All the ponies up and down the street gave a cheer! Their princess saved them!
Jessie gave a groan. She was never going to be able to complete her laundry.
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