Third time's the Charm, Maybe? · 11:22pm Apr 20th, 2022
So in a previous blog post, I mentioned that I was going to do a rewrite of Harem Noses. Sadly, it took me far longer than I expected to actually do that, but I finally got a chapter written up, which I then released as a special preview on The Official No Nose Discord Server.
Based on the feedback I received, it was clear I hadn't fixed anything. I'd just shuffled it around a little and added some flowers for ambiance.
So once again, it's been back to the drawing board, but with one extremely large change:
There is no law to force marriage this time around.
Yup. That particular plot element seems to be the main problem, at least as far as I've been able to asertain. So out it goes!
But then, that leaves me with the burning question of "How do I write my Harem story now?" It's taken some thought (a dangerous pastime, I know), and I think I've got the solution and the key to getting the story right.
Plagerism!
!!Unmarked spoilers ahead!!
Okay, so it's not outright plagerism, per se. It's more stealing a plot idea from another story, but with quasi-permission. Kinda.
Let me explain. If you haven't read Georg's excellent story Her Royal Morning Coffee, you really should click on the link and read it. It's a delightful tale about a humble barista, two princesses, five 'helpful' friends, and a lot of sleepwalking kisses.
Here's where the stealing comes in. A central plot point to the story is that alicorns are turned on, in a romantic sense, by competition. When one princess starts to feel the fires of love, any other alicorns in the vicinity will become aroused and attempt to steal and/or mate with the intended victim. I mentioned to Georg once that I'd like to take just that idea and make my own story out of it, and after much contemplation, I think adding that to Harem is how to accomplish what I wanted to when I first started writing it.
Curious to see how that's going? Well, here's a little tidbit for you to look over while I keep working on it. Enjoy!
We find ourselves in the guest chambers provided to one Baked Bean, who has been taken to Canterlot to be evaluated by Doctor Horsenpfeffer. Luna enters the scene, and inquires about his health.
“Good. I was concerned that I had harmed you.” Luna paused and licked her lips nervously. “Is this chamber adequate? I am sure We could find you a larger one, if you desire.”
“It’s more than enough, thank you. I’ve never been anywhere more posh in my life.”
The princess tilted her head in confusion. “Praytell, what is this ‘posh’ you speak of?”
“Oh. Um…” Bean’s eyes darted to the floor as he tried to figure out how best to describe the word. “It means that everything here is way more luxurious than what I’m used to. Believe it or not, but my house is not a gilded marble palace.”
Bean wasn’t sure what had prompted him to offer the small joke, but his heart did a small backflip in his chest when he saw the corners of Princess Luna’s mouth twitch upwards.
“Indeed, this place is exceptionally exquisite, even for me.” Luna’s eyes drifted up and over the decor of the room. “The Castle of the Two Sisters was built to be defensible, not ostentatious. I suppose my sister’s efforts to conquer our enemies with diplomacy proved successful in the end, despite my predictions to the contrary.”
It was impossible to miss the note of resigned defeat in Luna’s voice, even for a simple commoner like Bean. It was just one more proof of Celestia’s superiority, one more barb to remind the younger sister of her own failures.
“Forgive me, Princess, but I have to say that I’m impressed that you’ve picked up so quickly on modern language.” Bean said, with the hopes that pointing out a success, however minor, might cheer up the depressed diarch. “Even back at the Castle, I didn’t have any problem understanding you.”
Luna stood just a bit taller, and Bean felt a tickle of delight in his chest that his plan had worked. “I appreciate your compliment, but I must confess to some subterfuge on that account. I am not actually speaking modern equish, since one day is hardly enough time to learn the intricacies of any language. I am speaking in the long-dead tounge of ancient equish and using a translation spell to convert my words. Additionally, when you speak, your words are converted to those which I am familiar with.”
“Really? That’s pretty cool.” Bean leaned back, his gaze moving to Luna’s mouth. “But, wait. So why do your lips match what you’re saying?”
“An additional effect of the spell, since ponies use both sight and sound when speaking. ‘Tis but nothing more than an illusion.”
“You gotta show me how you do that; it would make life back home so much easier. If that’s something earth ponies can learn, that is,” he added.
Luna smirked and tilted her head as she thought. “Perhaps. I would have to rewrite the spell to account for your unique magic, but I believe it could be done. I’m pretty sure it could be done. But pray, how would my spell be of benefit to you?”
“Dealing with customers,” he started as Luna casually sat in the available chair. “See, my parents own a restaurant in Salt Lick, and I work there too. It’s popular enough that we get tourists and visitors in from all over, and there’s been quite a few times when I have no idea what a foreign pony is trying to order off the menu. It makes for a really frustrating night.”
“Night? Your family operates their restaurant under the watch of my moon?” Luna asked, her tone eager and her eyes alight with anticipation.
Bean scoffed. “Oh, sure. We stay open well past midnight most of the time, and our busiest hours are typically after sunset.”
A small squeal of delight came with this, and the Princess clapped her hooves together in joy. “Truly? Do not sow falsehoods with me, Mister Bean.”
The surge of happiness in the room was palpable, and Bean couldn’t help but be carried away with it. He knew, like every other pony knew, that Luna had fallen because ponies played during the day and hid from the night during her time, so he was delighted to be the one to tell her how things had changed. “Honest, Princess. Ponies love to do things at night now. No restaurant would dare to close at sunset; they’d lose too much business. We still have to work during the day, but we’ll party and play nearly every night.”
The news was almost too much for Luna to handle, it seemed, if her cackle of delight was any indication. A broad smile reached from ear to ear, and her gaze moved to the nearby window. “Can it be?! Could such a wondrous wonder have come to pass? Do ponies no longer fear my glorious nights?”
“Cross my heart, bake a pie, make a cupcake out of rye,” Bean said.
“What an odd phrase.” Luna giggled like a little filly, which sent more tingles dancing down Bean’s spine and down to his hooves. “May I assume that you have just offered a peculiar oath to solidify the authenticity of your statements?”
Bean simply nodded to this with a huge grin of his own.
“Hmm.” Luna tapped her chin playfully and studied the stallion before her. “While I have no reason to doubt you, it is always wise to verify. Unfortunately, my sister insists that I retire soon, as I must do battle with a foul beast known as Bureaucracy come daybreak, and his miserable minions who are referred to as Red Tape. But, if I should emerge victorious from this struggle, perhaps you would do me the honor of providing your services as I tour Canterlot? I am unfamiliar with modern customs, after all, and I will need somepony to help me understand this strange new world I find myself in.”
“If you’d like me to, Princess, then I’d be honored.”
“Thank you, Mister Bean.” Luna stood and moved to the door, but her gaze remained on him. “I am most grateful for your willingness and kindness.” She hesitated for a moment in the doorway, but turned to face him once she was in the hall. “Would you… um… would you care to watch the moon rise with me? It is a simple and silly request, I grant you, but… well…”
“Of course!” Bean said cheerfully. “It’d be amazing to be one of the first ponies to see you raise the moon after all this time.”
“I shall return in two hour’s time, then.” If Luna’s smile grew any larger, she was going to pull a muscle somewhere. “Until this evening, Mister Bean.”
Oh my! Bean, you marekiller, you!
Good to know you are making progress on this. I'm not going to read the expert or spoilers now since i want to enjoy them in the story. Just here to encourage you in your work. I liked the first version and trust i will enjoy the second version as well.
As long as there are silly Amazonian bat ponies in the new version I will be a happy dragon.
I was waiting when you'll get back to this story)
Why rewrite it? I honestly loved it, the way it was in it's original Version, and I fear the Story might lose its Charme, should you remove some of the great parts. Like that with the Batpony concubines.
....soooo i take it then in this iteration shining and cadance had already gone thru that and cadance had rather soundly trounced any attempt that celestia made to snag her man
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honeslty i agree, i rather liked it as it was but aparantly Irry didnt, and its there story so there view maters most
Personally I say write it the way YOU want it written. If people like it ...great. If not ...they can read something else.
I say go for the rewrite, if it's easier for you to write and take that law out. Then I say go for it!!!:)
Also I'm curious how Cadance will fall for him when she's with Shining Armor. Will there be cheating? Will this happen before they start dating? Will there be a rivalry between Shining and Bean? Lastly, will I stop asking these questions?
You can PM the answers if you don't want others to know lol xD I'm very excited honestly!!!
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Perhaps just a hint.
Mi Amore nodded. “I think I understand. You clearly don’t have any love lost for what you’ve left behind. Why writing, though? I don’t mean to disparage your decision, but it seems a bit random at first blush.”
“I bet it does.” Bean sat on the bed again, and he felt a calm ease come over him as he continued to talk. “But I’ve always liked to read, so I thought that it might be fun to be the one who writes the thing to be read, for a change. I even have an outline in my head for a dumb little story about some dragons, but I know I need to take some creative writing classes first or something. I went to the Castle of the Two Sisters looking for inspiration, and to see if I could write a travel brochure about it. I figured if I can convince a pony to visit a place based on what I wrote, then maybe I have a chance at moving up and writing a book of some sort.”
“Interesting. If you do write something, I would like to see it. But since you mention writing, maybe there is something you could help me with.”
“What? I’d be happy to help, if I can.”
“This is going to sound a bit strange. At the moment, I’m currently working on my doctorate degree at the University of Canterlot, and I need to do some case studies for my thesis. Would you mind if I followed you around while you are here, and recorded some observations?”
“What kind of observations?” Bean had to ask, his ears splaying backwards.
“Nothing intrusive or invasive, of course. You see, I’m researching the different types of love that ponies feel, and how it affects their day-to-day lives. A case like yours would be very beneficial to me; you’re a pony who didn’t love what he was doing, so now you’re trying to find another thing that you do love. By following you, I’m hoping to see what drives your decisions, what motivates you to take one action over another. How will love affect you, if at all?”
“Wait. You’re studying to be a love doctor?” Bean asked while leaning back with a bit of wariness.
“Oh, not like that.” Mi Amore tittered and waved a dismissive hoof. “I’m not looking to become one of those. Ever since I got my cutie mark, I’ve had an intense interest in all the different types of love we feel—the love between special someponies, for example, isn’t the same as the love we feel towards a pet, or our favorite meal, or even the love that motivates us to help a stranger in need.”
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Makes sense.... I am looking forward to what is to come. ;)
While I found the set up of forcing them together and having to work through that very compelling, rewriting it to include actual development of relationships without them being forced together I think is a lot more natural (and therefore better in my opinion)
Very excited to see where this goes. And to think, I was close to messaging you again to ask about it.
Oh, sweet! Was disappointed after the cancellation of this spinoff, I felt one or two commenters were way too hard on it over some personal hang ups/“this isn’t canon behaviour!” stuff.
Buuut if you feel this rewrite works better for you, I’m down for it.