a much needed update · 1:08am Jan 30th, 2022
Damn it's been a hot minute since I've showed any signs of life on here, huh? I was encouraged to pop my head back in my one of my best friends in the world, and after seeing that I'd gotten some unread private messages asking about continuing Midnight Radiance, I think she was right to tell me to give you all an update.
First things first, the thing I know is the main question several people want answered:
I will be continuing Midnight Radiance. I don't know when, but it has always been my plan to return to the story.
BUT. I'm not just going to be continuing it.
My friend has recommended to me an idea that I think I might go with, pertaining to this SombraxLuna fic trilogy (and yes, I said trilogy.)
If you would like to know more, I'd love it if you all read on further; I understand if nobody wants to, though. Can't say I blame you in that case, I know I tend to get long-winded and verbose.
Quick life update: I'm in my 30s now (last time I logged in here I'm pretty sure I was like...28, oops) and I'm now working full-time at a hospital and have been for almost 5 years. So yeah, I've worked through the entire pandemic and it's not been fun. Have also had a rough journey of self-discovery along the way, and since October 2019, my muse and focus have taken a hard shift into the larger horror genre, so I'm writing for a lot of that now. If you wanna see any of that, it's on AO3 under my pseud, CyanideLatte (which is what I'm sort of rebranding myself as these days. My old old fanfic pseud, LadyBlackMage, is also on AO3, as is my longest running penname, under Yoru_the_Rogue. Would love to see you guys there if any of you are interested. I clearly don't pop in here except once in a blue moon, and since FFNet is on the verge of death, I don't really bother with it either.)
Anyway, those things aside, it's time to open up and get real about why I've stepped away from ponyfic for the past several years and am still unsure of when I'll come back. And I will try to keep it brief.
Pressure (some of it real, some of it in my own mind) and a sense of having lost my stories themselves.
Here's the thing: Lingering Shadows, and I know I've said it before, was something I wrote for myself. It was a purely self-indulgent project meant to bring me happiness that I liked well enough I wanted to share in hopes there was at least one other person out there who liked the Luna/Sombra ship and would enjoy my writing. And as I was writing it, it genuinely made me happy when more and more people said they enjoyed it. And then it kind of...blew up. And that in itself isn't a bad thing! I was stunned and humbled by how much it took off, and initially that gave me the motivation I needed to get my ass in gear working on the sequel I'd already had in mind. But...something happened.
I don't plan on going into exhaustive detail about past experiences with other fics that have led to me shelving them for an indefinite period of time, but I will say I've only outright permanently cancelled one fic. Ever. Just one. And it had a multitude of reasons behind the cancellation. Point here is that I think some of those past experiences colored what I started to feel with Midnight Radiance.
Things reached a point where, as my mental health was getting worse (especially after the loss of a job, which I can't remember if I talked about on here or not,) updating Midnight Radiance began to feel like a weird mirror of that previous fic I'd once cancelled. Trust me, it was nowhere near the same, but that past fic also had resulted in a lot of pressure on me (and none of that was in my head in that instance. When you regularly log into 300+ messages per day demanding a new update on one particular fic, I guarantee you that pressure isn't imagined.) And with the grace of hindsight, I know with Midnight Radiance a lot of that pressure was in my mind. I wanted to continue writing it, and I wanted it to be better and better with each update. I am quite aware there's been some criticism of both it and Lingering Shadows, and while concrit I can take, private messages from people who hated my stories tearing me down and belittling me isn't concrit. I remember logging on one day, seeing yet another hate message in my inbox saying my writing was juvenile and disgusting and fulfilling an unhealthy fantasy, and that rocked me back in my seat. And between that and the realization that even logging on here filled me with an anxious sense of dread at seeing that I'd not updated, I had to step back and have a good cry. Because it forced me to realize that somewhere along the line, somehow, my fics didn't quite feel like they belonged to me any more.
Like, what the hell happened to make me feel like that? To make me feel like I'd lost all joy and enjoyment in writing these stories that I began as a gift to myself, you know? To feel as though suddenly the demand and expectations on Midnight Radiance had reached a point where I was being forced to no longer write for myself, but to meet a goal and that if I underperformed on quality, it would only prove more damning and show that I really was just a shitty writer? The realization that this was unhealthy and messing with my ability to even work on the fic caused me to step back. And I've needed it. I've really needed it. God, I can't stress that part enough.
But I've never forgotten it, and I've never planned on just leaving it go forever. I've wanted so badly to come back to it, partially because I love the idea that I had for Midnight Radiance, and also because I want to eventually finish it so I can start the third part, Witching Hour. (Yes, I've had a third installment in mind for a while now. Only a very select few people are privy to the details of what the plot is going to be, one of them being the best friend--Kimba--who gave me the idea I'm taking forever to bring up.)
It was due to recent discussion with Kimba about writing that I decided to make this post. She knows all about how I've felt and how I've struggled this entire time, and she's done nothing but stay supportive. I can easily say she is perhaps the sole reason I still have any desire to work on ponyfic, because her own stuff is so damn cool and inspiring that it pokes at my pony muse without even trying. And during our recent discussion, she made a suggestion: take Lingering Shadows and rewrite it. Redux it, breathe new life into it, if you will. Show you guys how much different my writing is now to what it was some years back, and then do the same with Midnight Radiance but finish it to completion. And not upload/update the chapters at all until the fics are each finished, then upload the chapters on a fixed schedule. Then do the same with Witching Hour. As a means of really reclaiming for myself that happiness and joy I felt at writing something just for myself and then sharing it with everyone else again, afresh.
And I have to say the idea has a hell of a lot of appeal. It's the first thing, I think, that's made me seriously consider coming back much sooner. Still not "soon", given the time it'd take to re-write Lingering Shadows (even if I didn't alter the original text too much, I still have a full-time job and I do have other fics, other fandoms I write for that I wanna focus on,) but sooner than I'd been considering all this time. Who knows? I suppose we'll see.
If you've read this far, thank you. I mean it, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Please understand, it's always meant the world to me that there are so many of you who loved Lingering Shadows, who love Midnight Radiance. Even when I struggled under this sense of pressure, that's never been on any of you. It's always been humbling and wonderful to see how much my little self-indulgent fics have meant to all of you, when the most I'd ever hoped for was at least one reader who stuck with me. Thank you~. Your support has always meant the world to me. 💟
Ii would love to see you finish this story. If you decide to leave it as it is, I wouldn't be mad either, it is a nice story already and can stand on its own. I hope you can continue to enjoy writing. It's sad to hear that people feel the need to send hateful messages for no reason besides making themselves feel better
I say do what you must, we will be with you all the way miss, if you feel like the story will take a better turn re-writing, go for it, just as you said it, write the way you feel your story should be, mold her to the shape you believe it should have, at least that's how i feel.
And also, thank you, you see... I started writing after reading your stories and a few others, i read and thought 'you know what, i like the characters, i like the plot, and how it goes, so why not, take the MLP as a base, and do something unique'. I've started recently, and it's not even near done, but I'm enjoying the shape it's taking, that's the whole thing isn't, enjoy the ride, and see where it goes
...I still believe I'm not that with words, i hope it helped.
As long as you got friends that give you hope and support that’s all that matters. I always liked sharing and spending good time with others who enjoyed the same thing. Since I am understanding and long-suffering and very thoughtful of others, you always will have my longest support (in every choice and decision) even if I have to wait here for another long while for a new look or updates, I will enjoy this one as one of the great stories I frequently enjoy reading about. So don’t fret over what others say; just enjoy the story yourself as well knowing that others too enjoy it.
It’s so wonderful to hear from you again!
I'm glad to see you're alright in these trying times, more so since you said your working at a hospital!
As for your stories, I'm sorry to hear that pressure took the fun out of writing your stories, as one author to another I know how that goes and it's never fun. I'm glad your love of writing never died, though, even if you went to go write other stuff on other websites, what's important is that it made you happy and that your passion for writing never died!
That said, I will say that your writing style back with Lingering Shadows and then Midnight Radiance was always one of my favorites on this website. It felt lyrical and poetic and every single time you updated I couldn't help but drop everything and go read it as soon as I could. Hearing that you want to continue this trilogy means I might just have to go re-read the stories, perhaps they'll help rekindle my own writing again.
Anyway, stay safe, and don't worry about how long it takes to re-write your stuff, or even write new stuff here, we've all waited this long, we can wait a little while longer.
~Sylvian.
I would love to see you finish this story! One of my favorites!
Just checking in dear. Hope you’re doing alright. We love to know how you’re doing at home. 🙏🏻
Im so sorry to hear what has been happening.
I just started reading both of those Lumbra stories and they're amazing. I don't get why anyone in their right mind would even hate it.
At first I thought it was gonna be one of those fics that just got started and became cancelled, and Im glad to learn it's not the intention. At the moment im hooked to it.
And even if you don't end up updating, I suppose it would be fine. I mean, it's your story, and your life. You chose what you wanna do with it.
Either way, thanks a ton for those stories! Last night I stayed up until 3am reading the first part and a little of the second. 0-0