Ranking the Cutie Mark Crusaders Songs (From Worst to Best) · 9:27pm Jan 12th, 2022
I'm only counting the songs that were song by the Cutie Mark Crusaders as a group, any solo songs from just one member don't count. Still, that leaves a grand total of twelve songs to consider, more than any main character except Twilight or Pinkie Pie. However, which ones truly represent the CMC as characters in addition to any qualities they might have on an entertainment level? Well, that's what we're going to find out. Like always, this is purely the result of my personal opinion.
12. Equestria, the Land I Love (Reprise) (The Mane Attraction)
Why it's on the bottom: This just barely qualifies as one of their songs. It was probably a given that they would win the contest mentioned in the episode, and in terms of closing out said episode it's quite good. It's a wonderful send off for Amy Keating Rogers, letting her go out on a high note. But there's absolutely nothing for the CMC character wise here, and it really didn't need to be because this song and the episode it's part of isn't about them: It's about Rara and Applejack.
11. The Vote Song a.k.a Vote for Pip (Crusaders of the Lost Mark)
Why it's not on the bottom: It feels more like a bunch of small songs mashed together, most of which do focus on the CMC indirectly. But they all convey the same message because their intent is the same: They want ponies to vote for Pip over Diamond Tiara. Honestly, the Diamond Tiara parts are probably more interesting seeing as they shed some light on her world view. She's willing to resort to any measures to get what she wants, even blackmail and bribery. I daresay those parts are kind of like a villain song for Diamond Tiara, when she's delving into territory she previously ventured into in "Ponyvile Confidential" and "Flight to the Finish". At least unlike "Equestria, the Land I Love" though, the Crusaders have some actual stake in what's going on even if it's only a small part.
10. Derby Racers (The Cart Before The Ponies)
Why it's in the bottom three: At least the CMC have some actual stakes in this song and what it's part of. But all that amounts to is them being along the ride as their big sisters have taken over the carts completely. So the Cutie Mark Crusaders' parts just amount to them complaining and grumbling, telling us what we already could tell for ourselves. It just serves to remind us of how insulting and painful this episode is to watch, especially at this point. It's a shame too because the visuals at times make a call back to Wacky Racers, one of the best Hanna Barbera cartoons of all time.
9. Your Heart is in Two Places (Surf and/or Turf)
Why it's not in the bottom three: Apple Bloom is only involved at the very start of this song. And once her lines are finished this is all about Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo arguing about which is better: Mount Aris (more specifically the Harmonizing Heights) or Seaquestria. What might be most noticeable about this song is that it debuted a new singing double for Scootaloo. Apparently, sometime after Season 8 entered production, Madeline Peters (Scootaloo's voice) moved to America (I believe Los Angeles but don't quote me on that). So, like with Tara Strong, rather than have her come back up just to do the songs they got a singing double and that was that. In terms of singing doubles this one is probably the most spot on, you could probably tell Scootaloo doesn't sound quite the same but I don't think you'd automatically think it was a singing double. However, seeing as this song is one giant argument, and it's between two of our protagonists when they're supposed to be helping, it doesn't really make them look good. It makes them both look really selfish, and Apple Bloom being somehow unable to stop this makes it look like she's completely irrelevant. Honestly, this should've been sung between Sky Beak and Ocean Flow, especially if they wanted to hammer home the divorce angle that they may or may not have been going for.
8. Being Big is All it Takes (Growing Up is Hard to Do)
Why it's in the bottom five: Much like the episode this is part of, this song is several seasons too late. Heck, even for when it was originally meant to take place (presumably Season 4, maybe early Season 5) I'd argue that the CMC should be beyond this kind of childish and selfish thinking about what it means to grow up. And that's not getting into the problematic "Facts don't matter" line that probably was harmless enough when the song was originally written, but by the time the song and episode made it to air it had aged very poorly and should've been cut. This is a song we were better off not knowing about, a song that could maybe pop up on a soundtrack but not appear in the actual show. Now, if this was Season 1 or early Season 2 CMC this song would probably fit better. I mean, there are some parts that aren't bad, such as when the Crusaders all state that they're stepping out on their own. But those parts are few and far in between. Maybe we would've gotten a more serious reprise when the episode was meant to age them up permanently?
7. The Perfect Stallion (Hearts and Hooves Day)
Why it's in the bottom half: We know from the episode why the CMC are looking for the titular "Perfect Stallion". And I know that it's a kids show and they don't wanna get into controversy, but how do the CMC know that Cheerilee is only interested in stallions? These days, you can never assume, especially if someone has expressed no prior interest in any kind of romantic relationship. Putting that aside, this song is probably best known for introducing Button Mash, the colt Sweetie Belle says is "Too young". There is also the appearance of a funeral, indicating that death does in fact exist in Equestria. I can buy the CMC being this judgemental and picky since they're kids, they aren't old enough to understand that you're supposed to look beyond outward appearances when you're looking for a romantic partner. But this whole song is them making assumptions, convinced that Cheerilee deserves only the best. Not necessarily a bad standard, but as this song shows it's an unhealthy one. Also, the song ends with Apple Bloom sounding suspicious of pairing up her brother. But afterwards she's onboard with it, only worried about Big Mac being too shy to ask Cheerilee out.
6. Babs Seed (One Bad Apple)
Why it's in the top half: This song was popular enough in the fandom to get an 8-bit remix, a literal version and a TF2 version, something that I don't think happened to any other songs during the fandom's golden years. That alone should tell you how popular this song is, and how much staying power it has. It also marks the last time Michelle Creber sings for Sweetie Belle before Claire Corlett would take over the role for Season 4 onward (even if you can't really hear it here since Apple Bloom tends to be the lead singer). This song serves to demonstrate why just ignoring a bully seldom works. It doesn't matter if you're not looking for conflict, the bully will find a way to get your attention. Ignoring it only really works if it's low level stuff like name calling or teasing, stuff intended to provoke a reaction. This song also really shoots down any argument Babs might have later on, since we see her stalking the CMC willingly when Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon aren't around. So she goes beyond what she might have been willing to do just to stay in Diamond and Silver's good books. This is the other kind of villain song, the kind that's all about how horrible the villain really is. Usually, that type of song is intended as mockery, but in this case it's very real torment and agony at being stalked and harassed for no good reason. But after Apple Bloom mentions that "we ain't lookin' for a fight" we don't learn anything more character wise from the CMC. We get the gist of things: They want peace, either with Babs or without her.
5. Light of Your Cutie Mark (Crusaders of the Lost Mark)
Why it's in the top five: This starts out as Diamond Tiara's song, and serves as arguably the second half of her villain song as she tries to justify what's she about to do. The CMC serve as her conscience more or less, trying to persuade her to be the bigger mare and to choose the better path. Part of it probably is that they don't want her to get Pipsqueak kicked out of office after they promised to help him (though they never get a chance to due to circumstances), but part of it also is that they really do think Diamond has a chance to get what she's always wanted without having to resort to cruelty. But the first thing the CMC say to her is "We know you're better than this.", which is false since at this point there was nothing to indicate Diamond was above such actions, and in fact given what they had witnessed they could almost certainly tell that she wasn't above revenge and spite. Maybe if the episode this song was part of had more time, we could've spent more of it focusing on the CMC interacting with Diamond and getting to see a new side to her. Then their first argument would have more weight behind it. Plus, ultimately, they don't succeed. It's very likely that had Spoiled Rich not opened her mouth when she did, Diamond Tiara would've blabbed about Pip's inability to get the new playground equipment and turned everypony in class against him.
4. Find the Purpose In Your Life (The Fault in Our Cutie Marks)
Why it's not in the top three: Deciding to start with a chart to help Gabby find her special talent kind of feels like "Aesop Amnesia" for the CMC. Part of what hindered their search early on was that they keep trying new things without sticking to them for long enough to know whether it would work out. A big plus for "Ponyville Confidential" was that they stuck with their attempt for a while, and by the end it wasn't the lack of cutie marks that made them decide that wasn't what they wanted to do with their lives. Suggesting that someone who's trying to find a purpose or a sense of belonging just try a bunch of different things and pick whatever they like best is not the kind of advice to be giving. A purpose isn't like a job or career, you can't just go out and look for it. Still, the song itself is really catchy and upbeat. It even kind of feels like a marching tune, helped by the way it starts. However, this song also serves to highlight what's meant to Gabby's problem: She's so good at anything she does that finding the one thing she's good at is impossible. It's apparently intended to be a "Parody Sue" but that concept is poorly defined and borders too close to the trope it's supposed to be parodying. The transition is rather abrupt, which can only somewhat be made up for by how enjoyable this song is. At least it's better as the last song for Season 6 than "A Changeling Can Change".
3. The Cutie Mark Crusaders' Theme Song (The Show Stoppers)
Why it's in the top three: A song that they sought to make as bad as possible on purpose, to the point where Madeline Peters couldn't help but crack up laughing at how badly she was being forced to sing. And intentionally bad is still bad, regardless of intent. Trying intentionally to make something look bad is hard to pull off properly, just like with cringe comedy. You're far more likely to get it wrong and make your audience feel annoyed or uncomfortable. Putting that aside though, this song does do a decent job of summing up the CMC early on, and what was wrong with them: Their lack of patience. Their inability to understand that it takes time for a cutie mark to appear. Rather than learn that they're determined to do anything and everything if there's even a chance it'll get them their cutie marks. Yes, part of is frustration since they're so young. It definitely feels like a theme song for them. However, as time went by and the CMC started to mature, they thankfully moved beyond being defined by this song.
2. We'll Make Our Mark (Crusaders of the Lost Mark)
Why it's not on the top: From late Season 2 until the episode this song is part of, this song really sums up the CMC better. They'll keep trying to get their cutie marks regardless of what may happen. They're not quitters. And now they're trying harder to think about what it is that they're meant to do, how they fit in more or less. It gives a sense of maturation and progression for their characters. However, the triumphant reprise when they finally get their cutie marks not only gets taken over by other characters (including a cut verse from Diamond Tiara), but it also gets really repetitive with its use of "fillies". It also suggests that their journey isn't over, but unfortunately the show would go on to have them drift about in multiple directions with no firm commitment. They really did peak here. Plus, the original version at the start of the episode is rather short. It's good that it doesn't outstay its welcome, but that also means it provides little to talk about. So ultimately, one other song tops it.
1. Hearts Strong as Horses (Flight to the Finish)
Why it's on the top: Claire Corlett's first outing singing for Sweetie Belle, and she did an absolutely outstanding job. You can (or at least could) even listen to just her individual part and you could really hear how well she did. This song is maybe a little bit on the cliche side, the typical message about teamwork and how anything is possible as a result of it. But it's done so well that you don't mind. It fits each Crusader perfectly, though for Scootaloo especially I would argue it fits her even stronger. When the going gets though, so do they. The titular horses that are referred to here are given a vibe similar to ancient warriors or athletes, the best of the best. It also doubles as a montage song of sorts, albeit moreso in the reprise than in the original given how the song ends. They do acknowledge that this song took place in-universe, though they don't say how much of it actually happened. And I believe I've mentioned how this song feels not unlike "I'll Make a Man Out of You" from Disney's Mulan. It feels like the complete package, summing up the CMC better than any other song on the list. And that's ultimately what puts it on the top for me.
And there you have it, come back tomorrow when we'll look at and rank all the Sunset Shimmer songs.
For me, all of their songs from Crusaders of the Lost Mark top the list, followed by Heart is in Two Places, then Hearts as Strong as Horses, and then the CMC Theme Song