Seemingly Endless Suffering · 7:56am Dec 26th, 2021
I'm not putting this out there as a call for help, but rather, a notice of awareness.
For a long time now, I've been suffering from a mental disease. I say it that way, because what I suffer from is much more than just a illness or a disorder.
I hear things that aren't there, feel things that aren't happening, my emotions are always extreme with no way of expressing safely. And there's a never ending emptiness inside me that will never be satisfied. I am always in danger, and it's my own willpower that keeps me safe.
I see things when ever I look in the mirror that are down right terrifying. My dreams aren't restful. I can't sleep at night, and I can't focus during the day.
I'm always in some sort of pain. And I relish when it's physical pain, as it distracts from the chaos that's in my head. And, no, I don't self harm at all.
I see doctors and therapists frequently, each unique to parts of the care team.
I just needed to share. I'm surviving, and will keep fighting. Maybe, I'll heal. But if you wanted to know why I'm not writing at the moment... This is why, because it's so much worse now.
The pain, is real. Agony, extreme.
Pretty sure I'm in a delusional state too, I go in and out of a certain belief that leaves me... Not trusting reality.
I'm a mess, and my life consists of work and audiobooks.
I'm a survivor, and I hope to thrive. For now, I'll hold on to the successes I've achieved.
Keep surviving. Keep pushing on.
I can't at all day "oh sure it'll get better" because I can't know that. But the value brought to those around you for continuing on does exist.
Edit: If that sounds melancholy, it wasn't supposed to and I screwed up. Just ... I hope you have a good rest of the holidays and a happy new year.
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Thanks. Doing my best is the best I can do. As long as I make it to the next day, I win.
Come to me if you just need a listening, understanding ear. 💖
I gotcha, bud.