Friendship is Card Games: Rainbow Dash Presents: Somewhere Only We Know · 12:50pm Nov 28th, 2021
It’s the Sunday after Thanksgiving in the States. And Black Friday, for that matter. So, let’s commemorate both with a tale of mistreated, overworked laborers and be grateful that most Equestrias aren’t like it.
Somewhere Only We Know is by PatchworkPoltergeist, the same mind behind The Last Human, The Silver Standard, and other outstanding works. This one presents Equestria as a shared dreamscape among actual horses, drawing a sharp contrast between its pastel utopia and the harsh reality of workhorses in the heyday of carriages and wagons.
So, let’s see how Mentally Advanced Rainbow Dash warps it:
The Will Smith head on the map doesn’t bother me. What does is that the legend doesn’t explain what that symbol means.
Ooh, lovely touch with the leg brace given the importance of Dash’s knee in the original text.
Ah yes, contrast between the dreaming ideal of the source and the sad truth of meteorological bureaucracy in those Equestrias more firmly rooted in reality.
One thing I’ll say for this Dash, she always keeps her expectations realistic. Especially when it comes to working retail.
Dash isn’t being paid enough to perform full cloud cover, and the mare filing her paperwork isn’t paid enough to care.
“So far, [falling] hasn’t killed me. One or two comas, the occasional concussion, and one time I did go into the light. But I went back again when I realized I forgot to turn off the oven. So yeah, good times for Rainbow Dash!”
I just needed to transcribe that so you could properly appreciate it.
Venting Celestia-induced stress is certainly one way to interpret Mentally Advanced Twilight. Not sure if it’s accurate, but it is a way.
Nice callback to Cupcakes. Pinkie and the Hippocratic Oath aren’t exactly on speaking terms.
“My eyes pop open wide to the sound of an orangutan in a fine business suit banging a couple of cymbals together!”
This isn’t just fantastic delivery, it also establishes the RDP convention of presenting humans as other primates. Which works quite well in my opinion. And I do love how Dash has the same colors, just darker hues. Plus, her brand is a half-peeled banana.
Heh. The deeper characterization of Dash’s owner is fun. Outside the scope of the original piece, but fun.
Yeah, Pinkie is the kind of entity you want to keep an eye on regardless of the universe.
Mr. Jingles coming in with the shotgun the moment Dash mentions “the horrible, splitting pain” in her leg is A+ subtle comedic timing.
The “I 
Bananas” bumper sticker on the carriage is a lovely touch. As is the statue of an orangutan astride Celestia, with his sword positioned to replicate her horn.
The local cinema is showing Planet of the Apes, which raises more than a few questions.
Heh. In the original, Applejack’s been worked and mistreated to within an inch of her life. Here, they went the extra mile. Into undeath.
Ah yes, and Mac is explicitly referred to as a gelding in both. Don’t think I’ll be able to use that as a card idea.
Not much to say about this one, but as noted, it does establish some recurring themes in the series. And seriously, do read the original story if you haven’t. Beautiful little contemplative piece.
Cost of Recklessness 1W
Instant
Until end of turn, creatures target player controls gain “Whenever this creature deals combat damage to a player, sacrifice a permanent.”
Blind rage is good for little more than collateral damage.
Aeroscape Manager 2W
Creature — Pegasus Advisor
Flying
If it’s neither day nor night, it becomes day as Aeroscape Manager enters the battlefield.
Whenever day becomes night or night becomes day, you gain 2 life.
Somepony has to keep the weather on schedule.
2/2
Skydreamer Steed 2W
Creature — Horse
Inspired — Whenever Skydreamer Steed becomes untapped, until end of turn, it becomes a Pegasus and gains flying.
1W: Untap Skydreamer Steed.
Dreams of flight transcend species.
3/2
Stressed Student 1U
Creature — Unicorn Wizard
When Stressed Student enters the battlefield, each player mills three cards.
Celestia’s exacting standards mold some minds and shatter many others.
2/1
Flocking Pigeons 2U
Creature — Bird
Flying
When Flocking Pigeons enters the battlefield, if mana from a Gate was spent to cast it, create a token that’s a copy of it.
A city without pigeons is no city at all.
2/1
Supervisor’s Citation 2U
Instant
Return target nonland permanent to its owner’s hand.
Addendum — If you cast this spell during your main phase, instead that permanent’s owner puts it on the top or bottom of their library.
Misbehaving cogs get adjusted.
Turn From the Light 1B
Sorcery
Cleave 4B (You may cast this spell for its cleave cost. If you do, remove the words in square brackets.)
Return target creature card [with mana value 3 or less] from your graveyard to the battlefield.
Just say “no” to eternal peace.
Uncrested Skulker 1B
Creature — Ape Rogue
Deathtouch
Dethrone (Whenever this creature attacks the player with the most life or tied for most life, put a +1/+1 counter on it.)
Dominance comes in many forms.
1/1
Lingering Trauma 1BB
Enchantment
If a source would deal damage to a creature an opponent controls, prevent 1 of that damage and put a -1/-1 counter on that creature.
“I still say Ponyville General should offer frequent customer discounts.”
—Rainbow Dash, Bearer of Loyalty
Awaken to Horror 2BB
Sorcery
Target opponent discards a card for each tapped creature they control. If fewer than that many cards were discarded this way, that player sacrifices creatures equal to the difference.
The sweeter the dream, the harsher the reality.
Tireless Team 3B
Creature — Zombie Horse
Exploit (When this creature enters the battlefield, you may sacrifice a creature.)
When Tireless Team exploits a creature, return another target creature card from your graveyard to your hand. If it exploited itself, instead return up to two other target creature cards from your graveyard to your hand.
2/4
Free Rein 1R
Sorcery
Cleave 1RR
Gain control of target [Pony, Pegasus, or Unicorn] creature until end of turn. Untap that creature. It gains haste until end of turn.
Reflexive Rebuke 1R
Instant
Until end of turn, target creature you control gains “Whenever this creature is dealt damage, it deals that much damage to any other target.”
Sneaking up on a pony is a good way to get your jaw broken.
Pasture Thrasher 2R
Creature — Horse
Pasture Thrasher can’t attack, block, or crew Vehicles alone.
The problem with an unbreakable spirit is getting it to do something productive.
4/3
Uktabi Stablehand 1G
Creature — Ape Citizen
T: Add G. If this mana is spent on a Horse, Pegasus, Pony, or Unicorn spell, that spell can’t be countered.
Many hands make light work, especially if each worker has four of them.
1/1
Wild Pronker 2G
Creature — Horse
Wild Pronker can’t be blocked by creatures with power 2 or less.
2U: Target creature has base power 2 until end of turn.
Some mares leave hoofmarks on reality itself.
3/2
Adorned Carriage 3
Artifact — Vehicle
Adorned Carriage can’t be blocked by tokens.
Crew 3 (Tap any number of creatures you control with total power 3 or more: This Vehicle becomes an artifact creature until end of turn.)
The rabble dare not approach.
5/5
Ruined Colossus 3
Artifact
2, T: Up to one target creature gets +2/+2 until end of turn. Put a brick counter on Ruined Colossus.
2: Ruined Colossus becomes an 8/8 Construct artifact creature with trample until end of turn. Activate this ability only if there are three or more brick counters on Ruined Colossus.
Jingles, Banana Tycoon GUR
Legendary Creature — Ape Citizen
When Jingles, Banana Tycoon enters the battlefield, create a Food token. (It’s an artifact with “2, T, Sacrifice this artifact: You gain 3 life.”)
Artifacts you control have “T, Sacrifice this artifact: Add one mana of any color. If that mana is spent on a creature spell, that creature enters the battlefield with an additional +1/+1 counter on it.”
1/3
Obnoxious Request 1UB
Instant
Return target spell to its owner’s hand. That player loses life equal to that spell’s mana value.
“Could you check in back?”
Imperious Sunmare 4GW
Creature — Horse
Convoke (Your creatures can help cast this spell. Each creature you tap while casting this spell pays for 1 or one mana of that creature's color.)
Trample, lifelink
The Conclave has no hierarchy, but no one told the sunmares.
4/4
"Pronk" continues to sound exactly like something Pinkie would do all the time. The fact that it actually is was probably a coincidence when Lauren was 6 but I assume she laughed when she found out.
While an intersting scenario, the setting sounds pretty nightmarish, if the horses are sentient and yet continue to be "beasts of burden."
Will Smith is legend.
I got a chuckle at 4:03 -- in the wide shot of Dash pulling her owners toward the city, we see that Pinkie Pie is inside the house doing heaven knows what.