Personal Mental status/Story Update. · 3:11pm Oct 10th, 2021
So, it's been a while since I've done one of these blogs. I've been busy with my new job at my old High School, and I have been writing, but not as much as I want to be at the moment.
And as much as I hate to say it, I might need to trim off a few stories again to keep myself focused on what I can write updates for, instead of seeing what should I write for. I have a few in mind that I am considering, but I'll keep you posted on which ones they are in particular.
Plus, there have been a few personal issues that I have been dealing with, such as likely going on a European vacation next summer, as my mom has a meeting in Portugal of all places. I've never been outside the USA before, so I'm still processing a lot of things about the trip. Another thing is that pandemic blues have me down a lot of the time.
I've been spending a lot of time at my desk in my room on my Xbox, and quite frankly, I need to start exercising more, as loosing weight is one of my priorities for the fall/winter season this year.
Plus...if you want to hear another of my struggles, and don't mind hearing about NSFW material, read the blacked-out/spoilered text that's coming up.
So, yeah. I played with fire, fell in the rabbit hole, whatever, and I feel like I can't see sex as the thing it was before, and now...I feel ashamed of having learned of it. I mean, as a Catholic, I feel like I'm committing a sin whenever I feel the urges, and that makes it hurt mentally. I never feel good after doing it, and even when I do, it just feels...weird in a bland way. I don't get pleasure out of it, but it just seems natural to do it and get rid of that sensation.
Plus, I know I'm only human, and I know about the birds and the bees, but how will a romantic partner in my future cope with my anxiety about sex if it ever gets to that point? And whenever I do sucuumb, I close my bedroom door, keep the volume down, and I always change clothes after it happens. But I hate having to do it in the first place. It's not that I don't ever want to have sex with a romantic partner I trust, but the thing is, how will it be different from what I know/see it as right now?
And the fact that I play games on my laptop, like Skyrim:SE, that have NSFW mods available for install, also makes it tougher. I mean, I don't know whether or not to call it better or worse that it's in a game with virtual characters I can control, and I can uninstall the files at any time, rather than actual people.
And I've read plenty of Reddit posts about the horror that is the pornography industry IRL, such as a particular AskReddit thread that really changed how I see things even now. I don't have the link for it, not that I want to post it here anyway.
And I don't want to write that sort of content either, because my writing is one of the few things I haven't let be crossed with NSFW material. That's why I only write crossovers. Plus, I mean, I do have a few clopfics here favorited, only because I found them as something good to read for the content that's both is and isn't sexual in nature.
So, I guess I can end it here for now. Thanks for listening.
honestly... the only thing i can say to all this is.... I hope things improve for you in your personal life LONG before you even CONSIDER continuing the stories you feel you can.
seriously, take as much time as you feel you need to get things sorted.
even if it ends up with your stories being put on hiatus for years or even outright cancelled, I'd rather the next blog post or story/chapter be uploaded from a mind and body at peace than a mind and body in turmoil.
as for sexual content, i find your content so good on it's own merits that even attempting to add it in, even as a separate story, would be a detriment.
in other words, i'm glad you in particular do not write it. because i feel there are authors who would not benefit from the increased audience, because invariably among that increased audience are those who are depraved to the point where i, as a willing-to-admit-it porn addict, find them disgusting. which is not meant as a compliment to them.
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Thanks for your support.