September 24th, 2021: An Update · 5:09am Sep 25th, 2021
I have begun my recovery path from the trauma I barely endured this past summer. I am beginning to understand myself more fully, and I am believing slightly that I could be trans-feminine, which seems more and more appealing as the days go by. I have felt such torn feelings with it all, and I'm just somewhat afraid to talk about such things, for it makes me feel ashamed. I feel as though I shouldn't be this way, that I should be a somewhat normal person.
Unfortunately, I ended up becoming this. A 76 inch tall softie who is constantly feeling the pressures of the world as he tries to live up to everyone's expectations and tries to fill other's buckets up with his own empty one. He tries his hardest, and has succeeded, but he now runs on fumes, and is now currently questioning everything he has ever known.
Has he truly been a "he" all this time?
He knows not.
Does he want to feel comfortable with himself even if it means losing salvation?
He, again, knows not.
Does he even know what he's getting into?
No. No, he does not. And that scares him. That scares him beyond anything in existence. He knows not where he belongs, if at all. He only wants to feel truly happy with himself, and feel like he has always belonged.
He only wants to understand why he is this way, and wants to change it, despite it being out of his control.
He only wants to feel human again.
He wants to know what he can do to feel whole again. He wants to no longer be a "he". He wants to be a "she", but that scares him. He is afraid he won't be able to endure it all, and end up wanting to leave himself behind again.
He is scared.
He is afraid beyond words.
He wants freedom to be himself.
Or herself...
