Pillow Talk I · 3:59pm Sep 19th, 2021
“Whoops.”
“Hmm?”
“Just me, Cady. Sorry. Did I wake you?”
“Nnnope. Can’t sleep. Did you check on Flurry?”
“Sound asleep.”
“...For now.”
“Yeah.”
“Close the door, you’re letting the light in.”
“Double whoops.”
“...”
“...”
“Shiny?”
“Yeah?”
“I have something to tell you…”
“Ohhh. Sounds exciting, but can it wait? I kinda need to vent about the day I just had.”
“Um. Sure. But take that off and come to bed first. You sound like a walking cutlery drawer.”
“Sorry. I don’t know why they put all these... blasted… moving pieces on this thing. If I actually had to fight somepony in this I’d pinch myself in a hundred places.”
“You’d still kick their butt though.”
“Oh, no question. Just… Hold on… Almost...”
“...”
“...”
“...You have to unclasp the--”
“I got it! I got it… There we go. Ready? Hup!”
“Gah!”
“Aaahhhhh, I swear this mattress gets softer every night.”
“Yes, Shiny, that is how mattresses work. Are you sure you took everything off?”
“...Sorry. I think I’m gaining weight. C’mere.”
“I’m here. And hey, don’t worry. Pretty soon I will be too.”
“Oh, yeah? Let’s get fat together, Cady.”
“...Uh.”
“No more of this fit and elegant Empress and Commander, let’s just let it all go. How long do you think until we can break that palanquin they insist on parading us around in whenever somepony ‘important’ visits the Empire, huh?”
“Not exactly what I had in mind, Shiny.”
“Alright, alright, say no more. Just a bit of winter weight then.”
“...”
“So, my day.”
“I’m listening.”
“Remember Zeverro the Sullen?”
“Mmhmm. Big brute of a stallion, summoned those Redsand Golems to help him conquer Canterlot. Funny hair.”
“That’s him. Well, ever since Twilight defeated him at Calamity Bridge there’s been a ton of ponies in the Empire who have been chomping at the bit to join the Crystal Guard. Nevermind the fact that there wasn’t even any fighting, or that Twilight defeated Zeverro by inviting him over for tea and talking to him about his anger problems until he realized he had unresolved issues with his mother from when he was a child.”
“Twilight was telling me. Apparently he likes chamomile. And aggressive mares that are impossible to please.”
“Right, well, this morning Onyx tells me that we’ve got a new batch of a hundred and fifty crystal ponies coming in for fitness tests--our biggest week in recorded history--and he says it would mean a lot to them if the Commander of the Crystal Guard himself spoke to them, showed them around, talked them all up--”
“Screamed in their faces?”
“Oh, I offered. But Onyx is better at that stuff than me.”
“You big softy.”
“But, see, he didn’t tell me this when we got their applications. He told me this morning.”
“Yikes.”
“So I say sure, because what else can I do? I say Hello! and Welcome to the team! (even though they haven’t made it yet) and Rest assured that it’s an unbelievable squad you’re joining! and blah, blah, blah. And I was about to leave it at that, but they’re all looking up at me like I’m Celestia herself, so I stick around, and I take them through the barracks which are falling apart because nopony takes their towels off the rafters or even makes their bed anymore, and the mess hall is serving this awful grey mush because Crushed Sugar is out on pat leave and his apprentices are a disaster and the whole time I’m thinking we are super lucky that the health and safety inspectors don’t come to our grounds.”
“It’s funny you mention paternity leave…”
“And so we go on to what everypony’s been waiting for, the armory, which I don’t think anypony has been inside in months, because everything is filthy and rusting and all over the floor. You name it: armor, belts, horseshoes, over half of the spears. And the spears that are on the rack are… Honey. The blades are like two centimeters thick at their tips. And yet these dewy-eyed young colts and fillies are staring up at them like they just can’t wait to earn the right to wield a giant stick that couldn’t even slice butter.”
“Double yikes.”
“...”
“If it makes you feel any better... I know of one weapon of yours that’s working just fine.”
“What, Bertha? I mean, I take care of all my equipment, sure, but my shield isn’t exactly a weapon.”
“...”
“Wow. That was a big sigh.”
“I’m just sorry you had to go through all this. Sounds like a lot.”
“Don’t worry, almost done. So finally after completely humiliating the Crystal Guard we get to start testing the new kids to see if they’re prepared to join such an elite group of soldiers. Ugh, the testing…. Sweet Celestia, the testing!”
“I took a test this morning.”
“You?”
“Mmhmm.”
“Who’s making you take a test?”
“Oh, nopony. It was my idea.”
“How’d it go?”
“Oh, I think the results were pretty… favourable. In fac--”
“Then you had better luck than any of these kids. Celestia’s breath, it was like they had all swapped legs with each other that morning so that none of them had a matching set. Couldn’t even run straight if they were being chased by hornets. And it rained overnight, so of course the field was all muck and the courses were waterlogged and… Arrrrrrgggghh.”
“Hmm?”
“I’m going on too much. As if you don’t have the weight of a whole kingdom on your back. Crystal Guard included.”
“It’s alright.”
“It’s just.... There was a moment where this kid fell in front of me, right? Face-first in the muck. Pow. And he pushes himself up and looks at me with his big, muddy, goofy smile of shame, and he must have lied about his age because he can’t be more than fourteen. And then suddenly his face just falls. And he gets up and runs away to join the rest of the pack, and I can tell by the way he’s running that he’s trying desperately not to cry.”
“...”
“And I realize it’s because I’m scowling. I probably look like I’m ready to drop-kick the next pony who talks to me into a glacier. Because I’m standing out here in the spitting rain in my eighty-piece suit of armor, and all of the work I had to push to tomorrow for this gongshow is starting to loom over me, and I’m racking my brain for an apology I can give to this poor kid the next time he comes around the track, because I can’t just say sorry, I’m the commander, I have to apologize without sounding apologetic, be sincere without really meaning it, and I know at the end of this thought process I’m just going to say nothing and keep scowling because that’s easier, and I just… I just missed you and Flurry so hard.”
“Oh, Shiny…”
“I wanted to be home. Not just today, but every day, sunrise to sundown, so you and I can talk about our friends and make plans for the future of the kingdom, and, and, I don’t know, bake something. I hate baking, but I’d do it with you. And I want to be around when Flurry wakes up so she can chatter every single thing that little brain of hers can think of, because I swear she doesn’t leave any thought unsaid, and I want to hear it all, and I want to ask her about her studies with Sunburst and help her with whatever she’s struggling with--not that the little whip needs any help at all--and I want to bounce her on my knee every day until she rolls her eyes at me and tells me she’s way too big for it now, and then I’ll beg her to let me do it just one last time, for me, just one more for the road, and when she gets off I’ll ask her what she wants us to do instead. Is that so much to ask?”
“Honey.”
“Yeah?”
“I’m pregnant.”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“...Well when were you gonna tell me?!”
This was written as a gift for someone.
Well, not a gift. We made a bet with each other and we both lost.
See you soon,
M-
P.S. art by johnjoseco
This was delightful.
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LOVE
My first thought was “The Phaedrus.”
We need more Socratic dialogues between ponies.
Wunderbar. I missed your wordface, Miller <3
Absolutely love this pair! You write them so well, Miller. Can't wait to see more work out of you.
oh shiny you oblivious himbo