About myself. My side of the story.

Hi everyone.

I need to vent about my life, what happened to my kids, how they were raised, etc.

Let me begin from the start.

As you know, I was forced to be my son's sister instead of his mother.

It broke my heart. So much.

I at the time was young, yes, but I truly wanted to raise him and my daughter.

What I did I can never undo and regret having to give up my daughter for adoption and be forced to be my son's sister.

But now, we're a family again.

I love them both so much. My sweet ones.

It was terrible, he never realized what I truly was to him.

Now I get to be that.

He's grown up so fast.

He's so handsome.

I was forced pretending to be his sister, I was forced to.

I didn't want to be his sister.

I wanted to be his mom.

I wanted to raise him, to spend time with him, teach him right from wrong, teach him to sing, dance, read, write stories, be a good therapist if need be.

So many precious possible memories...

Taken just like that...

It hurt me so much...

He's five minutes older than Izzy. They're twins.

They were born five minutes apart.

It made me emotionally and physically sick.

I had PostPartum Depression.

For so long....

I had a nightmare about it of the day he was taken from me as my son.

I accidentally yelled at him after waking up from the nightmare.

He must have been so scared....

I didn't mean to...

I aplogized to him and he just shrugged it off as nothing.

Despite being an empath, he just takes any emotion and pressure and just burdens himself with it....

I don't know what to do...

I don't know how to help...

The nightmare was last night...

Am I a bad mom?

Does he deep down hate me?

Afraid of me?

I just want to hold him against my arms and soothe all the hurt away.

I love him so much, and I love Izzy.

Both of them.

They're my little ones. My first two children.

Does he hate me that I yelled at him once I woke up from the nightmare I had?

So many possible and precious mom and son memories taken away from me and him just like that...

Every day, week, month and year spent being his sister hurt me so much. I wept every night and blamed myself entirely.

I should've fought back against my parents and raised both my kids myself.

Am I a bad mom for having to give Izzy and treat my son as my brother?

All I ever wanted was to start a family so I could spend as much time and years of my life raising and loving my children...

I never got to have that....

I know, I was young. I was 19, but I desired a family soo much.

Now my kids have both grown up so much, they're so mature.

I'm so proud of them.

But I wish I could've been the one raising my son instead of my parents, and I wish I could've raised my daughter as well.

I've had my children basically stolen from me, ripped from me!

Every time he called me "big sis" shattered my heart one small fragment at a time.

I just wanted to go to his room, sit him down and tell him who and what I truly was to him.

But I couldn't.

My parents, his and Izzy's now deceased grandparents forced me to give Izzy up and be his sister to keep their ego in check.

So they could seem all perfect and a perfect family.

I've hated them since, I was at my father and mother's deathbed with my kids and I stared down at them both.

I was so mad at them, I still am.

It was so traumatic having my kids ripped from me.

I barely slept almost every night.

Now I have my kids back, it's healed most of the trauma and pain but it can never be undone.

I have been feeling this pain ever since, it has stung me to my core.

I've loved them both and I always do and I always will.

They're always going to be my kids no matter what.

I don't know how to even explain what I was going through to them, I don't know how.

So much pain, trauma and hurt...

Comments

[MLPMekarm]

listen bra. i may not know what your going through personally wise or emotionally wise but i can try to understand. and what it sounds like to me is your trying to be a good parent/mom. and to me that's a great first step. my dad is crazy' funny' and stubborn but he is a good dad. my birth mom is a different story all together. with her by-polar personality disorder it was crazy hard to understand her and what she dose with her actions. she even lies to me saying my dad isn't even my real dad jest to get me on her side of the divorce. so to me in my eyes your a big step up from her in being a good parent/mom. don't count the bad but look towards all the good you have and will get. and if more bad comes your way jest remember that good also comes with it. trust me on that bra.

[MarlonCalpe4000]

Don't beat yourself up over it. Things will get better, trust me. He and his sister love you just as much. You are strong, don't let fear get you down. Friends are always there for you. We are there for you.

[Darksoul85]

That was a very brave thing you posted, but you are with them now and they love you and are happy

[Brony of the Revolution]

Damn.
Honestly, it sounds to me like you're just trying to be a good mom, and noone can really fault you for earnestly trying to do the right thing.
If you ever feel doubt about how good a job you're doing, conider this perspective: at least you're not subjecting your children to near-total isolation for months at a time in their formative years, or leaving them in the house when a gas leak occurs. Both have occured to me, and as far as I'm concerned, if you're not doing anything as horrible as that, you're doing good.

As long as you hold love and justice in your heart, you and your children will see the light at the end of the tunnel.

[TheJediMasterEd]

This happens more than you might think.

You did the right thing. There will be some difficulty in figuring out where you fit in your family now, but eventually things will settle out.