Be. HONEST. · 5:27pm Aug 15th, 2021
I need you all to be 100% honest/constructive with this. This is the first and only completed chapter of my masterpiece of weirdness and I want this to be perfect, so please tell me what you think.
So, if you have the time, enjoy The Irregular Incidents of Kyle & Lucy, my passion project.
(Keep in mind, this story is like Diary of a Wimpy Kid and is supposed to have humorous images in it, but I can't draw them, so expect a few "*insert image of [x]*" here and there
EDIT: I have changed it to an introduction chapter rather than Chapter 1. However, I'm not aiming for a story that has chapters that are TOO long. Read "The Last Kids on Earth", you'll see what I'm going for.
KYLE & Lucy
PROLOGUE
When you're an animal, life tends to have a funny way of getting a little wild at the craziest times. There are plenty of things out there that try to hunt you, eat you, kill you, bring you back with dark spooky magic only to kill you again. Total madness!
It's no secret that it's a real pain in the neck for most. For some, maybe even literally. But the animal kingdom isn't all scary and savage. No matter how big the darkness may seem, there is always the bright spots worth holding on to.
*insert wide shot of a large village*
This is my home, Rosewatch, the most pleasant town out by the oceanside. Sure, it's not the biggest, richest, or flashiest place in the world, but that's part of what makes it awesome. It's a place where everyone knows everyone. It didn't matter if you were a mouse, a bear, a bird, or a giant tree creature — and here are definitely a lot of strange folk around here — everyone is given the same amount of love and respect from one another. We're all like one big wacky family.
*insert image of a giant tree creature's hand giving a flower to a little beaver child*
Even with all that, there's always that one creature who comes along and causes nothing but trouble.
*insert image of Kyle dangling from a tree brach*
Yep. That dorky stitched up kitten hanging in there for his life is one of those troublesome creatures if you can imagine. But not intentionally, no way. I'm just...one big magnet of clumsiness.
*insert bio image for Kyle*
I'm K-413 according to this weird little stamp on my back, but everyone calls me Kyle. And if you're expecting some sour, selfish kitten that just lies around slurping pasta all day, you will be very disappointed. That is a hurtful type of stereo and you should be ashamed of yourself. I happen to be a very good kitty.
I can't help helping others, it is both a blessing and a curse. It's actually why I am where I am. I live at Knead to Know, the #1 bakery around this side of Willbrook Street. The place is owned by Priscilla, the sweetest pug in the universe and my caretaker. Everyone calls her Gram.
*insert bio image of Gram*
Gram's like the world's ultimate grandmother, she always had the best stories, the best advice, and the best treats ready for those who really needed it. If you had a spoiled mammal in your family, she's probably the cause of it. And it would be foolish to think that she'd ever run out of candy that's so hard, you can carve marble statues with them.
Anyways, Gram needed more ingredients for some apple pies and I went out to get apples for her. You could tell how that went for me. I was just trying to reach one apple on a branch of this tall tree, but then halfway up, I remembered that I'm terrified of heights. I'm forgetful like that.
There, the tree shook and rocked around with me before a large elderly face formed and scanned me up and down. I'd recognize that wrinkly, moss-covered face anywhere. Burk the Arborian, the oldest and tallest living tree here.
*insert brief bio image of Burk*
"Ah, afternoon, Kyle," he waved warmly, plucking me off his back and lifting me in his big wooden claw. "Everything all right, son?"
"I'm fine," I signed with my paws, standing up. "Just needed some apples."
Side note: I can't speak. I don't have what Gram calls "vocal cords", so she taught me to talk through this thing called sign language.
"Apples?" Burk chuckled. "Why didn't you say so?"
Was it bad to think that I thought he was just an average old tree at first? A mound of fresh, crisp apples rapidly grew out of the center of Burk's palm, and I stuffed a few in my red hoodie as the big guy set me down on the ground. We waved goodbye and I went on my way.
Since I was the only mammal baking with Gram, I always carried the official title of Cookie Rookie of the Month and Cake-A-Licious Breadsmith of All Time, and I did it with pride.
Okay, I made up that last one, but I'm still creative, persistent, and fire-resistant. The perfect chef!
Most of the time, anyways.
*insert image of Kyle proudly holding a fresh cupcake while surrounded by a wall of flames*
I had to make a quick run back to Gram's to grab a basket for the next set of ingredients. Inside, she was hard at work in the kitchen bringing her munchstrocity to life.
THUD.
Ah, I forgot to mention another thing about myself—
*insert image of a kitchen knife sticking out of an unfazed Kyle's back*
"Oops," Gram gasped. "I'm so sorry, dear."
I don't break easily. No idea how or why, Gram just tells me that I'm just a tough little guy. She always had some strange answer to all the strange things about me. Why do I look like a ragdoll and have stitches all over me? Because I have a rare skin condition called raggediannitis. Why am I super strong? Because I'm a "growing boy". Well, that's mighty strong for a 9-year-old.
*insert image of Kyle lifting a couch to sweep*
But it's all good, it didn't matter. Sometimes we need a little weirdness in our lives to keep things interesting. As odd as all of it can get, life in Rosewatch was great and definitely crazy-free.
Until today.
This feels more of an introduction chapter, rather than a chapter one to me. Either way, it's a good preview of your story.
Honestly, I don’t really see anything wrong, in terms of introduction and stuff
i'd read it, i only got to 'i went to get apples'
but i'd absolutely read it.
Ooh! Nice job! I like the introductions to the characters!
I really like it! Keep up the good work. Also how are you? Hope you've had a wonderful day(and/or night depending on when you've read this.)
Ill reply to this comment in like an hour or so when I'm done my work and I can read the post, mark my words.
I liked it. I'm curios to see the pictures of what the characters look like in your story.
Okay, I actually chuckled a couple times while reading this. Nice work you wrote here. Well-written to say the least.
I give my Joker seal of approval! 🃏
5569796
Good intro chapter I think, and you're leaving a lot of explanation to the pictures, which is all well and good.
Also the subtle reveal of his 'strange condition':
Is great... but I think when the pictures are added it would be lessened by this one in particular:
Mostly because from that image people will gleam what he looks like (The stitched up appearance) and the surprise value may not be as good in the reveal. However I think it still looks pretty interesting and I'm down for more.
I like how this is playing out. This world seems like it’s some animals became intelligent and civilized enough to form communities. There are a couple things giving me a feeling of suspense. Like the strange stamp on Kyle’s back, or when and how does Lucy come in. The one gripe I have is the development of the grams character. Whenever there’s a parent like character in stories like these, they’re always either perfect or god awful. You seemed to take the perfect route. I’d like to see a character like this that has more of a middle ground. One great example of this is the grandma from James Patterson’s Middle School Superhero.
I like where this is going. The world feels unique as well as Kyle’s condition. Curious about that print on his back but I’m sure we’ll find out soon.
Not a bad start. Keep it up 👍
This is genuinely a good into; noting felt out of place or particularly rushed, and you've already got me hooked with all the mystery stuff! A tag on Kyle's back? Now that I'm curious of why that is.
Amazing start!
Okay, so after reading over the whole thing, I'm gonna split up my feedback into a few sections: general thoughts, pros, and cons. Let's begin.
GENERAL THOUGHTS:
- It's a little short for a first chapter. To me, it would fit better as a prologue of sorts. It introduces the characters, but that's about it. There's no real "plot hook" yet. (Note: plot hooks don't have to be in the first chapter. You can be hooked on the characters.)
- I think you should focus more on showing than telling. Yes, the pictures would (literally) show the characters, but the words in the chapter do more telling, rather than showing character actions to reveal to the reader how these characters react to the world around them. This, however, could potentially be mitigated somewhat by the fact that it's being told in a way that makes it sound like it's all being told to a diary, as if it's recounting past events with the main character narrating.
- The "K-413" has me interested, especially since it's been "stamped to his back". Are these animals/creatures in the village an experiment? Is this some kind of SCP facility of some sort? I don't know, but it's certainly a mystery for later, and it's a slight hook to get the reader's attention. I especially love how casually it's thrown out in a throw-away line, so if a reader isn't paying attention, they might miss it completely. I love little hints like those to a larger, more mysterious story hidden in plain sight.
PROS:
- The humor's great! I love how the first sentence makes you think it's going to be a somewhat serious tale about the life of an animal in a strange and dangerous world, only to be immediately subverted by the next sentence with complete weirdness. It's just the right mix of kooky with an animal's innocence, without being too out there.
- The setting so far is interesting. At first you think it's an anthropomorphized world where the animals in a town could "talk", and then magic is mentioned. But maybe this is just a case of "sufficiently advance technology" in an animal's eyes? Nope, enter tree creatures. And that K-413 tag? Someone must have stamped it on him at some point. Something very strange is going on, despite the idyllic setting.
- I love how the reveal is supposedly this shocking thing for the reader but the characters treat it as just daily life in the town. That kind of quirkiness is fun.
CONS:
- So far, aside from the main cat character, the other characters introduced don't really interest me, and they don't really "feel" like central characters to the plot. At best, they're your average, generic town NPCs with not many interesting qualities. Maybe this will change as the story goes on, I don't know, but all we have so far is the first chapter so this is how I feel about them for the time being.
- As I said before, the length is...not great. Barely a few hundred words, which isn't much for a first chapter, especially since nothing much really happens in the first chapter. It's fine as an introduction to the characters, but for the story itself, it could be better.
- Wish we got more of an introduction to the town itself. There's not much to describe it, all we have is "countryside village with strange goings-on and animals living in it". We don't know what it looks like, what country it's in (if it's even on Earth), what the landscape looks like, etc. You don't even have to go into too much detail, just a few simplistic things a cat may notice but not think too much about, but it gives the reader a better picture of what to imagine.
That's about all I can really say about this first chapter. I like where it's going so far overall, but there are things I personally think could be a bit better. Still, don't let that discourage you! This is just the musings of a random guy on the Internet. Write what you think is best in the way you feel suits you the best. Good luck with your project, and God bless!
I'm not gonna lie, a few of the *stand in image descriptions* and Gram the Pug really did get me. I mean, anything with a pug is gonna get me.
That said, I haven't read anything akin to Diary of a Wimpy Kid in a while so I'm not really sure how best to critique this. The descriptions both with and without the images are vivid enough to show what's happening in a scene. And without the images currently, my brains filling in the images.
And I swear, this part:
For some reason, I'm imaging a Trevenant from Pokémon giving a flower to a beaver girl who looks something out of the old Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon. Also Gram in my mind looks exactly like my pug, which makes me remember her fondly.
I wanna see where this story goes! Thank you so much for inviting me to come look at it.
I agree with a lot of other people here, this feels too short to be a full chapter one, and at best, it’s a short introductory chapter/prologue. The grammar is clean, though, and I’m interested in what the story would have to offer, so as an introductory chapter it does its job perfectly!
This is most certainly a good start. Coming at it from Kyle’s perspective, including his perception of things. The way you hint at things behind the scenes that Kyle wonders about, yet still accepts the non-answers Gram gives him. You set things up quite nicely, leaving the curiosity to learn more about this world. Kyle is a “kitten”; is this a world of intelligent animals? Yet Kyle definitely has a tag on his back, stitches across his body, and is more durable than others. The only conclusion I can make: experimentation. But who and why? For what purpose?
I would certainly be interesting in learning more about this world you’ve given us a glimpse of. You have a decent foundation built.
Alright, looking at this introduction chapter you've put together I can safely say this will be a good story full of hilarity, comic relief and joy. Keep up the good work pal cause I can tell this will get featured plenty of times
I like how it starts and how it introduces characters and the setting of the place. Again, as you said in your edit: it feels like a prologue. It is the stepping point of your story. A tiny bit of the spelling and grammar are slightly out of place, but some editing will fix it up. Storywise I like how it starts so keep it up! As long as you make the beginning interesting and grabs the attention of the reader.
Other than that I enjoy how the introduction starts.
Looks good as an introduction to the story and a good preview of what’s to come and the bit of mystery that something is off is exactly what I like in a book this will have my attention and will look for more of it.
Solid, man. It seems like the start to a fun lil cartoon show, and I think it's got great potential. You got it right, dude.
I'm not super good at reviewing stories, but I can still say the following:
But overall, the chapter's pretty good. Keep up the good work!
I like where this is going. Like others have mentioned, you have a great hook with the tattoo and Kyles mysterious ailment. Its funny without being too comical and has a undertone of mystery. I look forward to seeing more of this world.
Ok this is gonna be my first time critiquing a story like this so I will do my best: as a prologue it does well in showing WHO the main character is but not WHAT he is and I don't mean about anything related to anything scientific I mean what he actually looks like.
Unless I'm blind I'm pretty sure I don't see an age any where (aside from the phrase of "growing boy") having an age established would give us a better idea on how to feel on how he reacts to things. After all teens, children, and adults react differently to different situations. It may seem like a small thing but age can tell us a lot with the right context . (Like a kid won't know something is off about a situation but may be more curious to find out about it when he finally does)
Another thing is how many characters you plan to introduce you all ready got a whole village of characters to make names for even if it's just one off interactions. Not including people he interacts with day-to-day who will need at least passible personalities.
Last up is the obvious hint of maybe being an experiment, it's easily one of my more favorite scenarios because of the drama it may be setting up for a possible evil lab scenario however all of them seem to be perfectly happy. my mind immediately goes to them fighting over their perceptions on what they think about the lab people are like. With the whole town being at a split on whether what they're doing it is good or evil as more things come to light.
Assuming you even decide to take it down that road. Other than that I really don't have much to say as there wasn't much else for me to really latch onto. I'd say it's definitely better than most things I've read but you definitely need at least a bit more detail .
I'll be watching to see where the story goes I genuinely hope it turns out really well.
Nice start for the story.
It was a bit hard to imagine what all of the characters looked like, but once the pictures are there it'll be great! This has put a huge smile on my face, KM.
This is very interesting, but that says little so far, but I think the story have good start.
An interesting idea so far.
Sounds like there will be a lot of images in this story, sounds interesting. As for the story itself, it doesn't quite feel like the mentality of a 9 year old, but then again, I'm pretty sure he's either undead, or a cyborg of some sort, so that's fair. So far though I'm intrigued, it has this sort of light-hearted whimsy to it, but with a hint of darkness. Reminds me of parts of shows like adventure time. So I'd love to read more personally.
Oh and all the cute living critters really makes me want to be a part of this world. Talking tree people sound especially fun.
This is a wonderful little story that has so much potential. Your characters have such a simplicity to them that it feels like a breath of fresh air. I'm already anticipating great things from this little kitten and his little town. Thanks for sharing this!
I don't have much in the way of criticism but I'm easily placated and your story was just enough to make my day. Good luck with what you're doing!
A good start especially with introductions and discriptions of the characters
Type of stereo is something like a boombox vs a Dell speaker.
Jesus! A knife sticking out his back, and he just has a slight discomfort at worst? Fucking hell dude, you made the cat version of Deadpool!
Very interesting story. I am eager to see how this story will play out.
Feels more like a prolog than chapter 1, but I like it
This storyline sounds good, but the characters there not really relatable.
A very good start for a story theKMExperience.
I like the story and the characters. It will be very interesting to see how the story will develop over time.
This is really good for what it is meant to be. I like it.
Ps I assume that the cat will go through a lot of crazy things relatively unscathed. Is the cat immortal or just really tough?
I love it every little bit the stitched up bit kinda reminded me of nine I believe it was called I am eager to see what the characters look like are you planning to just leave it online or are you going to publish it if you are satisfied with the finished product
The first thing I'd like to say is that I'm not the target demographic for this kind of story. This story might be better received for its intended audience. Having said that, I personally found the writing to be kind of bland and clumsy in places. The concept is good. There are parts I like that are very creative.
is a particularly strong line. To improve the story I would suggest expanding on the setting and having more character interactions. If your character is clumsy I would like to read about him doing clumsy things rather than being told he's clumsy.
I like it so far. I would like to read more of it one day.
I like it. The opening is classic, and each paragraph leads you further enough into the introduction to make you want to keep reading, which is great. It gives a feeling of settling in for a warm cup of tea and reading a fun story. I think you could go quite far with this depending upon what you wanted to do with it and how complex a story you wanted to write. So far, so very good!
Just my two bits.
That's my comment on the chapter. And here's what I would say, if the author prefers criticism:
The author put a lot of cute little quirks into this chapter, yet there's no focus. It's like when you try to put everything you love onto one pot, hoping to create the Mother of All Chinaware. Instead, this is what you get.
ss2.meipian.me/users/68533124/53e2b040-d478-11e9-b942-0f74db55dc1e.jpg?imageView2/2/w/750/h/1400/q/80
It's called Qianlong's Big Vase with All Sorts of Colours. It is a cultural relic, mind you, and it was very hard to create due to technical restrictions; however, anyone who actually knows ceramics would say "Oh, that's a lot of hard work," not "Oh, it's artistic."
So, this is entirely my opinion, and it's not meant to discourage the author, but I would cut down on the elements I put into this, or perhaps try to make logical sense between each of the elements, should this be one of my works.
I like how you started with a bit of world building and the introduction of a few of the characters. The writing was neat and concise. All in all I say you’ve done a fine job for the start of your story.
I think this would have done well as a script for an animation, comic or some other visual media. As written media its pretty good, the narration has character and the pacing was alright. curious to see if there is more.
Very nice for a introductory chapter without explaining too much and turning into a bore. And it can even be reasoned that the narrating voice of Kyle is because he is either telling the story or more likely writing it down seeing he does sign language. The characters seem good with Kyle having some mystery elements to him. when you some pictures made I think it will really come together. As someone working on a similar kind of project pictures help. But you have a nice defined idea. Just make sure when you plan the story you have the beginning and ending planned with maybe a few major points so you are kept on track
In all honesty, I am not sure I can say what many haven't said before.
This is a good introduction, with the potential to be a wonderful story. ^^ Thank you for sharing it with us.
Personally, I agree with the positive vibe from the other comments. However, it did use too many of what I call "stock-words". I suggest using thesaurus.com to weed out repetition of words you use frequently.
Well, I'm not terribly experienced at reviews but compared to the other stuff I've read it seems good, though I'm not entirely sure what you're going for here - perhaps that's due to the fact that I've never read "Diary of a Wimpy Kid", but I digress. There aren't any noticeable grammatical errors however I find that the sentences are a tad on the short side; maybe adding in extra information within different forms of parentheses could help, or possibly conjoin multiple sentences with connectives, colons or semicolons. Either way, I hope my feedback helps you make the most out of what you're trying to do here.
Wow.
I like It.
As far as first impression goes you really have my interest! I'm really interested to see how this story turns out. A really strong starting concept of a setting.
I can already see some underlining themes at the beginning which I would hope to see be follow through somehow with world building or a very decent show don't tell explanation.
I'm also very curious if there's an after the apocalypse story or a alternate reality story?
I guess I better question should be asked is it more of after the bomb drops or a dark sun settings. (After the apocalypse life still goes on versus the big bad evil guy won then what!)
I don't know if this is true for stories but I know it's true for shows; especially for animated series. Anything that has an an in the title is cursed one way or another. So I recommend to somewhat change the name.
But if you made it "the adventures of Kyle and lucky" then I believe you can deflect the curse.
But if you ask me to give it a rating, I would give it the first episode of gravity falls out of 10.
A simple introduction that has a lot of setup for potential buildup and great payoff. At a second look you see little hints and images of different types of puzzle pieces to something bigger. While it focuses on a decent course story. Hopefully all these hints and clues will add up to something very exciting.