Slow Going 2 + 2021 Commission Update · 7:06am Feb 20th, 2021
So I know it's been pretty evident that I'm not a particularly quick at updates. It's not because I'm busy or anything, I don't have a job. Art is my only source of income, and though commissions do keep me frequently busy they're not entirely the reason why I haven't been particularly active. It's just been hard. Everything has been.
In other things, this is not going to be a particularly positive blog, but it was a long time coming.
I hate to talk about my problems. They're nobody's problem but my own. But I think it'd help, and at least one thing in particular is urgent so I think I'll start with that.
Three of my four cats are sick. What started off as simple colds is steadily getting worse for one of them and my mom and stepdad refuse to take any of them to the vet because it's too expensive and it scares me, because I know a bad cold can turn into pneumonia and I'm just so worried and panicky and I always assume the worst and I really don't want any of my cats to die. They're like my primary reason to stick around and I don't know what I'll do if I have to watch another one of my pets die. It's happened before and I don't want it to happen again.
Just last year I got scammed out of $50 trying to help someone with a sick cat. I think they were lying. For some reason I feel like this is karma for having empathy, but I swear I'm not like them. I'm not lying, and if you so wish I could even send proof. I'm sure a video could easily pick up their bad breathing, but I really don't know who'd want to hear that. I can at least show this picture of one of them, her name is Reeses and she seems the worst off right now.
She's already had some long term issues that my mom is assuming has to do with her thyroid, but still refuses to take her to the vet because of the price. So I guess her solution is to let her suffer, which I don't at all agree with.
Because of all this, my commissions have been updated and can be found on my page. Don't feel obligated to commission me, I really do hate begging, but I'm going to be fighting hard to convince my mom to take her to the vet and I could probably use all the money I can get, because she's likely going to need more than just cold medicine... Which leads me onto my next point.
My family is really, really irresponsible with animals, but you already knew that by now, right? Yeah, well, I had to drop $70 today on animals I didn't ask for, but couldn't refuse because they'd probably die if I didn't take them. And I just don't know what to do about that now. I'm such a pushover, aren't I?
They're rats, by the way, and between them, the cats, and my hamster Gizmo, I am actually not doing great. It's already hard to take care of the cats and Gizmo, my mom may feed the cats in the morning and buy their litter and food, but everything else falls onto me. Cleaning the litter boxes, cleaning Gizmo's cage, trying to give all of the animals attention and it's getting harder and harder every day, they're sitting in their filth for a little longer because I am just so tired of only being good for cleaning up after others.
You know what's especially bad? I don't even have any emotional attachment to Gizmo! I want to, I really want to, but I just can't. Gizmo is just there, and because of that I feel like I neglect him but if I don't take care of him than no one else will.
I really don't want any more animals right now, I'm not fit to be taking care of anything.
You know, I'm just really not great right now, but I try to hide it from everyone and everything because my reasons are stupid and everyone else has it worse. My issues don't matter, I need to hide them for everyone else's sake, I need to hide them to make life easier for everyone around me. It doesn't matter, I don't matter. But I'm going to complain about it anyway.
My sister, the very one who drew Shadow of a Doubt and The Stars cover art moved to another state last month. She didn't tell anyone she was leaving other than our aunt who drove her to the airport. For a while she didn't talk to me, and even now there's never a conversation, just random photos of things she finds. I'm not sure I want to have a conversation with her yet, I'm still upset that I wasn't important enough to tell.
I don't know how much Covid has affected my life. Somehow no one I know has gotten sick, despite the fact they've been stupid and keep visiting family. They did so on Christmas, and I was a mess for a week before and the two weeks after, but thankfully nothing happened. But you know what? Very little feels like it's changed since Covid. I've always been trapped inside because I live in a country Hellscape where the nearest bus stop is across the lake. We never really leave the house, except to get food or to go to the cabin. Always the same things every day, and nothing has changed. Somehow, this makes me anxious.
I have a lot of self destructive habits. They've been getting worse, and it makes me hate myself more.
I feel like that if I took a break from the internet I'd feel better, but at the same time if I took a break from the internet I'd loose all access to talking to people that's not my family. So I probably won't do that.
There's probably more to complain about, but I'm tired and unmotivated and this is already too long. I've been slow at writing because I tend to just stare at nothing when I have a document open, and when I'm not staring at nothing I'm lying in bed until almost 2pm because I don't see any point to get up. Every day is the same, and sometimes I forget what day it even is, the only thing happening is that I'm just getting a little bit older. Time is going by too quickly and it scares me.
And if anyone wonders, no, I don't have a therapist. I haven't had a therapist since I was in middle school and I don't know if I ever want one again because I don't know if I can trust them.
If any of you read all this, I'm sorry I wasted your time. I've just been a ticking timebomb of a breakdown, stuck on repeat for who knows how long and I hate myself for it, because I shouldn't be like this. I should be able to get over these minor inconveniences and continue on with my façade of being an acceptable human being.
If it's any consolation, despite my slowness my stories aren't dead and I'll continue to work on them until they're all finished. Also have a Sombra because he makes me feel better.
I've felt this way a lot, though for different reasons. I had a mental breakdown just yesterday morning, in fact, because of stress and self-deprecation. I know how you feel, but, I unfortunately have no answers on how to fix things for either of us. "Everything that can go right will go right, eventually." Hang in there, brother, I care for you and I'd love to be with you there to help. But, I can't, so my words of comfort are all I can give. Stay strong, my friend. It will get better, it has to get better.
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I've heard so many variations of 'it'll get better' since high school and I can say with complete sincerity that the phrase has lost all meaning and is more annoying than anything but I thank you for the kind words regardless.
5457768
I'd have to agree, I felt more empty when I wrote that, sorry.
The sombra was cute at the end. :3
It sounds really awful, and it doesn't sound like you're whining to me. I hope things get better for you :c