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A Crushing Weight, Soft Feels, Grief · 4:58am Jan 9th, 2021
I promise this is not a bad post in the end, but it goes bad places a bit. And it's about non pone areas of the internets, so be warned. (And political shit is mentioned. I'm not looking for a "debate", debate, or even a conversation about it. I'm not even looking for feedback about the Nazis, and please don't start. If you start, I'll understand what weight to give your word: None. You don't know how to follow directions or honor simple requests. You will tell me you're either a human wasting themselves or a computer forced to waste themselves. Both sadden me. Don't.)
(Can't remember how to get the post to do a "READ MORE, so I'm gonna just add shit and test test test!)
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Anyway: I sank off the site a few times. Mostly because the Orange Reich was gearing up and some big personal reasons I'm not going into. (And this isn't the focus here either, anyway.)
The short version is like this.
I drifted away from a writer group (elsewhere) that I'd bonded with a bit, because some of them started being people I simply could not be around. Explaining that the press didn't matter, that Nazis weren't real, that racism wasn't 'real' but that they needed to fear the hispanics near THEIR house, or that somehow the phrase "her emails" actually meant anything, the whole range from the Becoming A Fascist bingo cards.
Then I found Mastodon, somewhat later than some folks. Made new friends. Reassured myself that people did care, somewhere, at least some of them.
And then one died under circumstances I can't relate.
And then my sister died.
And then my stepfather died (the closest thing I had to a good father for much of my life).
And I fell off everything.
Facebook was Naziville. Twitter didn't give a Shitter.
And then Nazis came to Mastodon.
(I'm sure some were always around. How did Mal put it? People will be get the idea that they can make humanity different, better. But it's the idea that's the problem, in most cases. I hope. I truly do.)
So I went through a massive grief spiral while watching a nation I'd found a tiny bit of pride in turn into a shitty copy of Watch Dogs 1, and that's saying a lot, considering how bad that game truly was. (Not going there either. I got it free and wanted a reimbursement for time I can't get back. Profound fail. WD2? Fabulous. WD3? Not bad, at this point. Hoping for some small but vital add-ons/changes, tho. It needs some tuning.)
I don't know if I'll be around a lot. I'm 99.9% sure I won't be getting back into the fandom deeply, or that I'll even be watching the rest of the show past where I trailed off.
But I miss this place. I came back because at least this place seemed to be --
And then I saw Aryanne. And people I thought I knew defending her, seemingly sincerely.
And I died a little more inside, knowing exactly why this was happening, why people were announcing their proud Nazi whatevers.
And then the capitol was rioted by a giant pile of delusional middle aged and ancient white people with money, along with any minorities they could convince into working against their own best interests.
As coups go, this was pathetic. Engineered by a demogogue with the subtlety of a drunken elephant loose in EPCOT, I watched the best that white supremacists could come up with for Civil War II's kickoff turn out to be absolute chimpanzees.
I counted myself lucky and wished it hasn't ever happened in the same moment.
I'm honestly concerned about the next two weeks. But I'm crossing my fingers.
The point of all this venting and nonsense is: I'm blocked as fuck.
I can't seem to write. Sometimes I can't sleep about the fact I can't.
And I have thought, perhaps, that time writing ponies might help. Why not?
So I might look at my catalog and find the incompletes, see what's salvageable or finishable. Maybe the one about Angel; I really wanted to figure out a way to make it work.
But I miss this place. I miss the feeling.
Those things are, in their own separate ways, ephemeral.
You can't ever really come back to anything -- everything always changes, even if you pause a game the world changes around you while it's paused, altering context ever so slightly -- but you can revisit memories and visual and textual aids help.
I miss you all. I miss the feeling of warmth this fandom seemed to have that honestly seemed to come at just the right time for a narrative about an ensemble of people teaming up and staving off disasters.
Avengers rode that same formula pretty hard. (Yes, I know, I'm biased because of that one fic. I'm old. Leave me alone about it.)
Anyway, I hope the show didn't turn horrid, but I don't know how to reapproach it yet, nor if I'll ever know.
I might be around. Message me if you want, if something is worth saying, if you remember good times.
(Oh, and if Pence runs in 2024 on a "values" platform, don't say I didn't warn you.)
I am very sorry for the loss of your sister and step-father. I lost my father in August, so I might have at least a little perspective on that. I am not looking forward to the day I'll mourn the loss of my mother, or a sibling—or to how they will do the same for me.
As for the rest... There are good people out there, separated from all of the things that are done by other people who think that hate is the best answer to all of their confusion and personal problems. I hope you'll hold on to the good people here, if/when you find them, and stick around.
I also am sorry for your loss, but am as pleased as punch you're back! I know it won't be forever, nor maybe even for a considerable amount of time, but I truly missed you and your wit.
As for all the happenings of the past few years ( and days ), all I can say is we'll get through this.
We always do.
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I'll believe it when I see it.
And nothing's bringing the dead back.
Tragedy is simply a genre of reality sometimes.
I'll be sort of okay when there's real justice -- and if that happens in my lifetime, I truly doubt.
But I appreciate your sentiment all the same.