Secret Of The Magic Crystal 2: The Recrystalening

Okay guys. Brace yourselves.

Because we're back in business. It's time for some HORSE GAMES.

You may remember my first Secret of the Magic Crystal LP post, a rip-roaring tale of breeding, training, more breeding, training, and some breeding on the side. And now the planets have aligned, it's time for Part 2.

I hope you guys are ready, because the shit is about to get so real.

(I apologise in advance for the shitty screens, I was literally print-screening into Paint because I started this at 3am and really couldn't be hacked)
~~~

Where last we left the ranch of Greta The Hideous WomanChild, my third (fucking third!) unicorn Twilight Biankol had joined the ranks of her parents Ardleighjack and Altmannity in my quest to breed my own Mane 6. What none of these horses could know, however, was that I would soon abandon this quest in the face of purest, unadulterated equine majesty. More on that later.

Check this out, 200 in every stat. Ardleighjack is already titanically strong, and Twilight Biankol has double her potential. Truly, with this horse I could move mountains.

I start her training and it immediately becomes apparent that Level 2 horses also get slightly harder courses, with roughly double the number of arrows that the Level 1 courses had. It's almost, almost, like playing a videogame. Even with the "increased" difficulty...

Perfect score, motherfucker. That's how I roll.

It is at this point that I realise, while sending my horses to various tasks at the Gate, that a little tick materialises when you complete one of the mailbox quests. Huh. I must investigate further. I start sending Ardleighjack and Altmannity on all the quests instead of just endlessly delivering milk. Could this be the faintest telltale sign of... progression?

There might actually be a game in here somewhere.

I decide to pay a visit to the Barn for the first time in forever because doing quests gets you items, which can be used to make drugs, uh, potions and stuff. But, as I discover, it costs money to develop recipes, so fuck that noise. 60 gold? Gold is at a premium right now, even with my newfound realisation that you can have jobs active while you're training, and I need to save everything for Well upgrades. MORE. HORSES. You can also heal your horses here if they get sick by failing a quest, but I've never ever failed a quest, so pssh whatever.

Spoiler: I am about to fail a quest.

For shits and giggles and in an effort to make this actually something like an LP instead of just me hurling myself at the game like a drooling monkey, I investigate horseshoe making. You mix ingredients found on quests using recipes in the book to create horseshoes that give pathetic stat bonuses. These stat bonuses do, however, allow your horses stats to go over their natural maximum, so Twilight Biankol is currently rocking 204 out of 200 Strength, meaning she could rip the balls of Chronos right from between his legs without even getting any shit for it. I'd detail the process, but I'm fairly certain you can guess.

It's a rhythm game.

I don't want to talk about it.

Meanwhile, I'm still training her other stats up. Every now and then this bullshit happens. I got every single arrow Perfect and somehow I got 99%. Fuck you, Secret of the Magic Crystal. Occupy the scoreboard >=(

During Twilight Biankol's training, I finished the last quest of the 4 available and the villagers gave me FIVE HUNDRED gold and an Achievement as a reward. I didn't get a screenshot of it because I was too busy pressing the shit out of my arrow keys and it took me by surprise.

So what do I do with all this fucking money?! But seriously, you know exactly what I'm going to do. I buy the next Well upgrade for 600 gold, giving me FOUR WHOLE SLOTS in my Stable. Or, more importantly, giving me room for MORE HORSESEX.

I'm just polishing off Twilight Biankol's training and getting my brush on when I realise that Altmannity looks SUPER DEPRESSED. At first I thought it was her Spirit stat, because who the fuck knows what that does yet. "Woe," I cry! "I have taken my favourite unicorn, brought into my fold for her beauty and charm, and crushed her beneath the ever-turning wheels of my ruthless business empire. Hers is the lot of the feeble proletariat, the unthinking mass that knows not how to defend itself! When shall come the day when all working horses can be free of their oppressoh she's just ill."

Turns out she failed a quest and this made her ill. Not sure how or why, because I got the money and reward all the same, but you can't argue with the horse vomit caking the walls. I take her to the Barn, glad that I had recently checked it out and received the tutorial about illness, and grab the stethoscope, ready to diagnose this son of a bitch. I tenderly scratch her behind the ears. "Don't worry, girl, we'll get you sorted out." I raise the stethoscope, press it to her side...

I'M ON BUPA, GODDAMMIT

As the increasing privatisation of the NHS threatens the very lifeblood of my business, I sigh and go to grind a bunch of money. It is intensely dull because I've finished Twilight Biankol's training, so I don't even have shitty rhythm games to occupy me while my horses are on missions.

The tedium is such that I forget Altmannity is dying slowly in an ever-growing pool of her own seeping fluids and decide to continue my breeding program. A horse can only breed once (I can only assume this is not realistic), so it's time for some new blood. I have a space in the Stable and the requisite 300 gold, so it looks like I'm buying me a foal!

I open up the shop and browse the foals available (incidentally, the game refers to them as "colts" exclusively, even though they have female names, because it's stupid and dumb and stupid). Steering clear of the "This breed is known for its unparalleled grace and beauty" description because I have a hunch that the descriptions tell you what species it will be and fuck me if I get another unicorn I'm turning this game off right now Jesus H. Christ, I scroll through a few pages until I discover this.

Well, if that's not mysterious as fuck, I don't know what is. I snap this little bugger up like nobody's business. The foal appears magically, the timer ticks down. What am I going to get? Another unicorn? Maybe a pegasus? What adorable pony friend will these forgotten breeding techniques gift m-

HOLY FUCKING SHIT GAME OF THE YEAR

Now that I have a fucking DEMON HORSE, my plans to create the Mane 6 are pretty much as dead as the blighted wastes my eldritch horror creates wherever she treads. There's no way I can fit this in thematically. I have a new goal now.

I'm going to breed an army. Tinightmare Moon is just the beginning.

Anyway, now that I have enough money to feed the yawning maw of the soulless capitalist healthcare system, I stethoscope Altmannity up good and inject her.

Inject her with drugs. You know, to cure her illness.

Stop looking at me like that.

Anyway, now that all my horses are in tip-top shape and can feed my never-ending lust for lucre, I start training Tinightmare Moon up. She's only Level 1, what with being a bought foal and all, so it takes no time at all.

Look at her fiery majesty.

After training her up, I realise that breeding her with Twilight Biankol will not only be a tired story premise, it will only get me a Level 1 or 2 because of the level differences. And that's no good, so I need another Level 1, but the next Well upgrade is two thousand gold(!) and there's no way I'm grinding that. This can only mean one thing.

It's time.

It's time to use the option I discovered while scrolling through quests with horses who'd already bred.

It's time...

to say goodbye.

Ardleighjack, my first horse, my oldest friend, my opening gambit, my starter pokemon... it's time for you leave. You've served me well, never falling ill or... doing anything else, really. The time has come. We part. Goodnight, sweet princess.

She sells for 150 gold.

Fuck you, Ardleighjack.

Crying inside, I bring up the foals menu. This time I pick the "unique racehorse" description. Considering I already have a DEMON HORSE, I'm not sure how "unique" we can really get here, but okay. The foal poofs into existence, the timer ticks down. As the flash of light clears, I flick back to the Stable to see what species it's become, sighing. I really think that with the DEMON HORSE, Secret of the Magic Crystal has basically blown its load when it comes to surprising m-

HOLY FUCKING SHIT GAME OF THE YEAR

With the birth of Butt Stallion, my army grows ever stronger. I now wield the powers of both Ice and Fire. The next step?

COMBINE THEM.

I move on to training, settling into the routine I've developed. Butt Stallion gets power-trained while Tinightmare Moon, Altmannity and Twilight Biankol do missions. I upgrade the Corral with some spare gold to speed up training because GODDAMN it took ages on Twilight Biankol and I'm about to get another one. It's becoming apparent that the only upgrades you really need, at least in the early game, are Well for space, Gate for better missions, and Corral for better training. More horses getting better faster means faster breeding which means faster progress.

Occasionally I get bored and make the horses dance. Silly Butt Stallion. Look how excited she is.

At last, the moment arrives. Butt Stallion is maxed. Tinightmare Moon is maxed. They're brushed to high heaven, their Spirits full. It's time to get our elementally-disparate groove on, girls. I briefly consider breeding one of them with Twilight Biankol, but honestly, who the fuck doesn't want to see what happens when you make a demon horse and an ice horse have sex?

Nobody, that's who.

I still can't afford the crazy-expensive Well upgrade, so I am forced to sell Altmannity, clearing the roster of my first generation of horses entirely. I feel a tear struggling to the surface as I watch Altmannity, best pony, be led away by a slobbering manchild wearing dungarees and an "i luv mlp" t-shirt. I wonder briefly if she'll be happy, even as he clasps his hand tightly to her rump, his tongue lolling freely as his fingers dig into the supple flesh and he moans in barely-contained pleasure.

She'll be fine.

I trundle back to the Stable to discover this. Look at her little face =( Tinightmare Moon is either ill, or physically disturbed by the sight of Altmannity's new owner. Either way, I pump her full of drugs. She's got sexin' to do.

The moment arrives. My finger hovers over the mouse. I am about to cross a boundary that no man or beast has ever crossed. A heavy silence descends over the Stable, ancient winds of portent coiling thickly around us as the fates converge. I hesitate. Is this a thing that can be done? That should be done? What right do I have to toy with the elements so? Ice and fire entwined, the breaking of a taboo set by nature itself, all by my hand. What bastard child of godless science am I about to create? I shiver.

No. I can't stop now. I close my eyes as reality itself screams in agony at the thought of what I am about to do.

I click Breed. And I pray for salvatio-

oh hey another Ice Steed

Disappointed at my failure to create an abomination such as would make the weave of spacetime tremble, I get started on training Butt Stallion II. My improved Corral and Gate are really starting to bring in the stats and money. Now that the Gate is upgraded, my Level 2 horses can take on a new tier of jobs, which are unticked. I've moved from delivering letters to delivering "important telegrams." The cutesy Germanic townsfolk are really starting to welcome the sight of my emaciated infernal and crackling frozen golems. I anticipate hella rewards.

As part of my initiative to ingratiate my dark empire with the populace even further, I send my flaming hellbeast to help pull a cart full of wood. I foresee precisely zero problems.

As Butt Stallion II's training continues, Twilight Biankol polishes off the last Level 2 quest by moving a log, and the villages fearfully tribute their Dark Lord (me) TWO FUCKING THOUSAND GOLD. I immediately spend it on Corral and Gate upgrades. Now, you'd think it would be the vaunted Well, but it's suddenly occurred to me that I'm very, very close to breeding a Level 3 horse, and nothing short of bench-pressing a planet is going to challenge that motherfucker, so I need to invest in some seriously hardcore training and questing facilities. I mean, what if the villagers ask me to deliver a very important telegram? If I don't have a pony capable of going so fast she rips a hole in conventional mathematics, where will I be? In the LOSER corral, that's where.

Finally I get the training done and the time comes for me to create my Level 3 ultrahorse. I've still not upgraded the Well, so another horse needs to go. Butt Stallion is up, because I have two Ice Steeds and I want to maintain genetic diversity. She looks at me with deep, soulful eyes as I lead her to the gate. I'll never forget those eyes, and the hope that lay within them even as the man from Slush Puppy handed me the money.

Anyways, I have horses to make do sex. Everyone is brushed up, a space is free, let's bump magical uglies. Twilight Biankol and Butt Stallion II do their thing, and within moments a foal capable of punching Athena in the tits and not even caring is born. What unearthly juggernaut have I created this time? What name shall the world learn to fear? What dreadful sound shall herald the coming of my first Level 3, the vanguard of my vile army, the creature before whom all else shall be as insec-

pfffffffff hahahahahahahahaha

~~~

And, with the birth of my first unstoppable Godhorse, I'ma wrap it up for now. I hope you enjoyed this as much as I didn't.

Peace out, guys.

Comments

[UseFistNotMouth]

Oh shit, not again!

[Amit]

i'm giggling so hard i'm literally crying

[NorsePony]

i.imgur.com/1ovMQ.jpg
Bravo, sir. Bravo. Bland digital horses everywhere stare blankly into space in your general direction in respect.

[RavensDagger]

OH GOD.

I haven't laughed this hard in a long, long time!

[Alexstrazsa]

i.imgur.com/kbkL9.gif

[oblivion2k]

>Fanny

dl.dropbox.com/u/607176/MLP%20Emotes/applewut.png

[iloveportalz0r]

dabuq is this ಠ_ಠ

[Aroy]

OH GOD!
Your narration for this!

[Psykosis]

Oh Celestia, I forgot about this stupid thing!

Seriously, that demon horse is way too cool to be in this game... and then I saw it's name was Tina and promptly laughed myself silly, spitting cocoa across the table in the process.

[Cyanide]

It just won't be the same without Ardleighjack.

[Arcainum]

551376 nevar 4get ;_;

[Gem]

Only you could make this game entertaining

[Tyek]

[djthomp]

Best blog post on the site for at least the last week.

[RTStephens]

Your empire is growing. Soon. Soon the neighbors will whisper to themselves about the mysterious ranch that spews out devil spawn. Little do they know that their time is short and that the subjugation of the free world is at hand.

All because of one man--and his Hideous WomanChild mistress.

[Muhanoid]

Thanks for recommendation. Will try this game.

And I think that training with arrow pressing is something close to "Now you can enjoy looks of your horse".
P.S. Mammoth tank...
[youtube=KBqv2iHHcac]

[BeezelPony]

So apparently you're awesome

[Cedric Bale]

I'm never going to play this game. So I'm glad you're playing it for me.

[FanOfMostEverything]

Finally.
What I never thought could be.
Fire and ice connect as one,
And thus begins our epic fusion.

Oh, sorry. Couldn't help but think of The Megas after the antipode abomination antics.
In any case, all hail Fanny, destroyer of worlds.

[Karach]

dl.dropbox.com/u/5331373/memes/What%20Is%20This%20I%20Don%27t%20Even.jpeg
Seriously... What the FUCK did I just read?

[Themaskedferret]

Oh christ please tell us this will continue.

[Lemonschooner]

Oh good god am I grateful that I clicked this. I've seen people toss about copies of SOTMC on Steam but never knew it entailed things like this.

[Firebirdbtops]

Thank you. You have once again brought something that should not exist into this world. Is she going to join the crusaders as the resident lovecraftian horror?

[Pashoo]

But why?

[CanterlotGuardian]

I fucking love these.

[SoulValkyrie]

Now everyone's looking at me funny because of how hard im laughing

[oberon]

ROFLMAO is all my thoughts at the moment.

[Sypher]

You're amazing.

[time_to_brony]

so i guess a fanny will be a all powerfull god?
cant stop myself from laughing...seriously who calls a horse that?
wierd game...

[PresentPerfect]

oh god yes

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