A Last Statement From FireRain - Let Me Make It Perfectly Clear: Enough is Enough · 7:39am Dec 30th, 2020
I've never asked for anything much in my life.
I don't go seeking attention. I don't strive for recognition. I don't care much about making long-time friends. I don't expect much of anything in return. I don't even have the power in me to hate another person, even if they hate my guts. I literally ask for nothing. The only thing I've ever done is be nice. As you can expect, while you might hear the term, ''smile and wave'', it comes with a downside.
You get played about, lied to, deceived, tricked, backstabbed, manipulated, stolen from, used, things taken from you, and you lose sense of yourself and the ability to see clearly. You become numb. But when you think things through long and hard and realise things aren't what they seem, you let your rage, hurt and betrayal shut yourself off from the rest of the world. That's been my way of life since I was born.
I have plenty reason to be angry. I have more than enough personal issues that stop me from being the person I want to be. I try like hell to not give in. I do all I can to be the bigger person in any situation. I take responsibility for my actions. Even if I'm falling the fuck apart, I'll ALWAYS still be there to chat to somebody who's going through the same situation. I literally couldn't care any less about myself. I'd gladly be there.
But hardly anybody will ever be there for me. If they are, then they have to be a close friend.
I've already lost everything that mattered to me and who/what I cared about, so take from me what you want. I can't expect any fucking less. The only thing I've ever asked for was an apology from those who wronged me. Narcissism won't allow it. Just do what everyone else does and ignore me. Ignore me, stuff your ears, sew your eyes shut and shut off your senses. I'm a ghost.
I've been judged and called every next and last worst name in the book, things no human should say to another human and then the one who called it scoffs when I ask for an apology. Aside from that, I've been remorselessly judged, called out and torn to shreds over literally nothing more than the prospect of a joke, an idea of 'fun'. Sometimes, it's a snotty remark and other times it's a judgement of my character when I'm in a chat.
What I have to say is, who the hell are you to call me out on who I am and how I act? Likewise, you know nothing about my life, how I was brought up, what hell I've been forced to live with, the crippling weight on my back, the emotional/physical beatings or any of the tonne-heavy neglect thrown on top of me like a sack of cinder blocks. You have no fucking clue who I am in the slightest, and my advice to you would be to keep your damn mouth shut about it. I'll keep my distance if you keep yours. As much as I hate being harsh or assertive, say the wrong thing and you'll regret it instantly.
You ought to remember I made it a personal rule not to allow myself to be a friend to anyone, not to get too close. So don't expect because we had a nice conversation that I'm going to deem you my bestie. That's one game I don't play. Like I said, I do have my reasons and I'd thank you to respect that. If you do, I'll respect your privacy too. If I do deem you a friend, if I frequently chat to you or I care enough to let you in, you don't know how lucky you are to see the side of me I purposefully keep hidden and locked tightly away. I may be loyal, but I'm in no way going to take shit from anybody. I've dealt with it all my life, and I'm frankly sick of it walking all over me.
Positively do NOT bark at somebody, yell at them, order and boss them around and still expect them to be there when you need them. You don't know what damage that does to a person mentally. If you so much as do that, you're going to have a very lonely life. So have fun with that.
To lead this to a close, if you want to keep what glimpse of mutual understanding we have in life, friend or not, you better not ever use that ''if you leave me I'll die/kill myself'' bullshit as a scapegoat. I swear the fuck down, if you so much as dare to utter that phrase to me personally, a friend of mine or a friend of a friend, then that'll be my ''you're dead to me'' card punched in. I'll have officially lost any and all feeling for you that might have existed. My respect will have gone up in flames along with my desire to breathe the same air as you.
Also, if you've got any problem at all with me, at least have the common decency and self-respect to say it to my face instead of whispering it into a friend's ear. Say it to my face, at least have that much nerve. I'm never in a bad-bad mood, but like I said in the beginning, you have no idea what took place in my life to turn me into the mess I am now. There is a difference between being in a bad mood and being done with caring. It's about time everyone realised that.
Violate my trust, and that'll be the last time you and me will ever cross paths or have anything to do with each other. I'm in no way violent, but believe me, I do bite in the right circumstance. You just better hope you aren't involved in said circumstance.
So, if you do have anything to say to me, better tell me straight up right now. I have nothing left to lose and I certainly don't have the sensitivity to be hurt by anything that can be said. I'm simply massively desensitised to the point a bullet to the skull wouldn't make any difference. In other words: Take. Your. Best. Shot.
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Peace and love,
- FireRain 💛
Enough is enough. Period.
"But hardly anybody will ever be there for me. If they are, then they have to be a close friend."
I'm sorry for not being there for you these past few months.
My reply to your previous blog post sums it up.
How has life in the real world been?
I mean, I read a blog post that said you were back living with your father? But I thought you two didn't get along.
So what shit has been kicked in your face?
I haven't been around due to things in my own corner of the world, but you have been copping it bad.
Get it off your chest if you want man.
I'll stick around this time.
Some people lack interpersonal skill,s ome make mistakes. It doesn't excuse them, but it makes more sense when it's taken into account. That said, no one deserves being told down just like that. Let's see where this takes you
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Hey again. It's fine, dude. Everyone has their own shit to deal with, doubly so due to the current state of the toilet we call a planet.
I already explained this before. We DO get along. But there are times we strongly disagree with each other over what is what in certain circumstances/discussions, which often leads to a clash. It's not very often. We don't hate each other at all. Also, I'm not back home with him yet. I will be shortly though. Working on moving my stuff in as we speak/type.
It's one thing after the other, man. Too many things to shove into one comment reply. Part of it I'd rather keep quiet here for now, or for good. I don't really have too much to say anymore. I can't be fucked. I don't exactly expect anybody to care too much about that or what I have to say, either. That's been much too clear recently.
But anyway, enough of that bollocks. How's all been on your end? Can't remember the last time we spoke.
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Well it's good you and your old man still get along for the most part.
Yeah the last time we spoke was a few months back. Time flies.
A good friend from primary school days has been in Indonesia for all of 2020. As in, my one-true-friend. Life was not progressing for either of us. I'd changed my own life goals to obtaining an apprenticeship which I still haven't been able to find (mature age apprenticeships are harder to get than expected, despite the extra know-how that mature age applicants have which school leavers do not).
So doing casual work here and there, nothing career or life advancing.
Also had a couple of health scares. Resolved now. Thank Eastern medicine for that. Honestly, I'd been having abdominal pains for years and the local doc and ultrasound clinic both don't know why. Then I started to get right shoulder pains (liver warning, bad).
I see a Chinese herbalist and in weeks I am fixed up.
So at the moment I have scant work while trying to obtain a useful apprenticeship in the electrical trades.
And channelling my inner Applejack by growing various vege plants in 10 litre plastic water containers.
Other stuff aside, that's about where I stand right now. Still kicking. And pushing forward with the belief that 2021 will see better things.
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Stuck in another country during a pandemic for now over an entire year? Yeah, fuck that. That sucks.
Oh, did you hear that we've all been shoved into another lockdown, Tier 5 (I think), until around March? Woop-dee-doo! Not like the entire country already wants to kill Boris Johnson for his shit leadership and terrible logic, but now everyone is going to want to use him like a Guy Fawkes doll on a bonfire.
Finding work is a colossal crapshoot, Gryo. If you can get ANY job and maintain it nowadays, you are one lucky son bitch. Personally, that interview I went to for some work experience I was desperately counting on, especially now since I have a car I need to pay for to keep running and in one piece, not heard back from them. That's why I'm going off to college this year, heading back for L3 Music which should have happened a long time ago, but now with my age, I need to pay for it. Another reason why getting that job was important. I have no clue what it's like in the US, but anything will be hard to get now and only getting harder to land.
It's great you got your health somewhat sorted out, man!
When you know you're not right in one way or the other, it really kills your mood depending on what it is and how bad it feels. Herbalist medicinal products can do wonders. Nature has some wonder products in that realm. Plants are fascinating. They gave us vanilla and now they give us common medicine. (Fair bargain, don't you think? 
)
About the health scare thing though, that's a thing I know very well. My throat is, like, very burned. Badly. It's irritated and doesn't feel right. Severe acid reflux not only destroyed my throat but knackered up my stomach and other parts in my body I'm not clear on the extent of yet. My lungs are a bit buggered too, which...isn't great. They are kinda necessary for living, so...yeah. I got put on a waiting list that won't go through until this pandemic fucks off. I'd also like to know what's causing my constant migraines. I'm so sick of them.
Good luck with your home growing plants and stuff. Take up a hobby with it, become your own herbalist! Make potions like AB did with Twilight Time, channel your inner Zecora!