Internet Mortality · 4:15pm Dec 5th, 2020
Firstly, I just want to start off by telling everyone not to worry, I'm fine, and I plan on being around for a long long time.
But a cousin of mine just died recently from a brain aneurism. Totally unexpected. He was otherwise completely healthy. Just, pop, out of the blue. Dead at 36. He was a kind, wonderful person who was active in the community and everyone loved him. And I found out that another friend has a terminal illness. And these were bitter reminders of how temporary and fragile our lives are.
But that isn't what made me write this blog. I've just been meaning to write this for a long time. Recent events have just catalyzed it. This is just something of a living will, and general advice to my fellow citizens of the internet.
They say that when something is on the internet, it's there forever. Except for the people.
Too many times have I seen someone just up and stop existing on the internet. They just log out, and never log back in again on a particular site. And you don't know if they just forgot about the site, got bored with it, actively quit, or actually died in real life.
It's a loss. A digital loss, yes. But it is as real as losing a friend in real life. People need closure. That's why funerals are a thing. It's not for the benefit of the dead person, they're dead. It's for the living, to get closure, to grieve, and to be there for each other.
The internet is littered with strange epitaphs, the famous last words of people who didn't know that they would be their last words. A final text from an online gaming friend at the end of a multiplayer match.
brb, gonna run out and grab some beer
And then are never heard from again.
This player last logged in 1032 days ago.
Did they die on the way back from the store? How can we know if we don't know them by any other channel of communication? All we have is a username. And they haven't used it in almost three years.
Fimfiction has a few notable blog posts, that were made unknowingly being the last thing written by the user, and serve as memorials. These are users who had friends in real life who were also users of the site and were able to tell everyone what had happened, that they had died, or quit, or whatever. And at least we know. We can grieve, get closure, and eventually move on. But for every such user, there are many more that we have no such closure for. They just... disappear. No goodbye. No explanation. Just... gone.
For me, not knowing is so much worse.
People might belly-ache at you for writing a big, long, farewell blog when you quit the fandom, but it is infinitely better than just leaving without a word. And I'll cite DWK in particular, for a few reasons.
DWK, for the two of you left in the fandom that still don't know, did the MLP Totally Legit Recap series. One of the hallmarks of his style was his self-deprecating dark humor, routinely making jokes about committing suicide. And then after their last video, posted on Nov 30, 2019, there was nothing.
Long breaks between videos were not uncommon, but as the weeks of radio silence turned to months, especially around the holidays, (which can be hard for depressed people) we started to wonder if those suicide jokes were really jokes after all. His fimfiction account only showed them logging in afterwards up until July 21st, 2020. And now again, nothing.
I had my doubts if the fimfic account was genuinely his. But a couple friends of friends agreed that it is genuine. And that he was in fact, not dead. And that he quit due to growing pressure and stress from making the videos, and being horse famous (which he never wanted).
And I understand that. Of course you're allowed to quit doing something if you don't enjoy it anymore. Not everyone revels in fame like I do. And if they wanted to quit, I, (and I'd like to think most people) would understand. But at least let us know. If you're going to make a bunch of suicide jokes and just disappear, people are going to believe that you are dead. And letting someone think you are dead, when you are not, is exceptionally cruel.
I'm not asking for a big, thorough explanation to your fans. You shouldn't have to do that. But just a simple, "Not dead. Just quit." to reassure people who are genuinely worried about your actual life.
[EDIT] DWK's alive.
The point is, let people know if your leaving. Say goodbye.
But I digress.
This blog is to serve as an official message from ME. I'm on here daily, (a few times a week at the absolute least.) I have no plans of quitting this fandom, ever. By god, I will be the last violinist on the sinking ship. But if I ever, ever decided to leave, for some unforeseeable reason, or if I plan on taking an extended leave of absence, I WILL LET YOU KNOW! (As I have in the past.)
Again, don't worry, I'm fine, and I plan on being around for a long long time. But none of us know how, or when our expiration date will be up. "Death is inevitable, yet always unexpected." So... not to sugarcoat the matter, but if you see that I haven't logged in for over a month, without any word or explanation, it will be because I am dead, in a coma, or otherwise incapacitated. That is all.
Damn dude, sorry to hear that it’s never easy to loose people like that.
I totally get that feeling, you enjoy a fic of someone’s cancel then all a sudden it just completely stops, you get angry at not bring able to continue and then you get scared that something might have happened IRL. It’s crazy when you think about it like that something. It leaves a hole for closure that’s never really gunna come, and you kind of just have to except it and move on I guess
Yeah. DWK still unnerves me. I have had a person or two on here I'll see gone for several months and pop an e-mail hoping they are doing well. A few reply, a few don't, and I am left to wonder.
The same can be said of online friends on Discord, or people you game with online that you only know from there. It's kinda crazy to me how much information and communication tools exist, but how easily someone can still disappear. Kinda makes me wonder if/when I die, will anyone let others know, be it here, discord or otherwise.
I figured that MythrilMoth would get a mention here. I don't know how unknowing his last post really was, given his general poor health and decision to stop talking about the entertaining smell he'd leave. (those of you who know the context will find that slightly less disturbing)
friends me my self have a few story's that have just stopped and the author just never showed up agene.
yes i often wonder just WTF happened and at the same time we the readers will never know.
i will be playing the chelo right beside you.
I think like you I will be here ‘til the site stops running or I do. I am not the most frequent poster, life and my own indolence gets in the way of that, but I am always here as often as yourself.
I am really sorry to hear about your loss and for your friend, their friends, your family and you, I send out heartfelt healing and strength. I hope that you remember your cousin fondly over the season and beyond, and have a merry one for them.
All good things,
Scara
I fully approve of your message, dear Sir! And so does she:
derpicdn.net/img/2012/9/11/94849/full.png
P.S.
Sorry to hear about your cousin and friend, though
but you're not alone.
A few years back, a guy I knew (25 years old at the time) went for what was supposed to be some minor and safe neck operation. When doctors opened him up, it turned out he had a ticking bomb in his neck, and that by opening it, they started the countdown. They woke the guy up and literally told him he'll be dead in the next 24 hours... Talk about a shocking news. He managed to sign the donor's card, and the next day he was gone... The only symptom he had was a minor pain in the neck that wouldn't go away...
And just the last week, I hear that my I.T. manager got diagnosed with pancreas cancer and will most likely die.
So... yeah, we can be fragile as fuck, and it sucks
.
*hug*
I figure that's the least I can do for you.
I remember that i once did something like this.
I said on discord server that i will come back more frequently, only not to arrive for a week, then two, and instead of breaking this chain i just felt shame for not going back. That was just sick loop of feeling bad for not coming back then not coming back because i felt bad.
Now i don't even have an option for contacting anyone. I find it comforting that you will say goodbye if it will come to it . It is true that people deserve closure. Thank you for making me more aware of that.
I usually end up being the last one out for various groups and friends, in games and places and communities. Seen people disappear, go to prison and come back, and some that just fade away. One of the worst was when someone I knew died, and we found out because his girlfriend came on to tell us he had passed, in accordance with his last will. I hadn't thought we were that important to him, so it was something of a surprise, but finding out he was gone and that we had made such an impact on his life - it was closure that left us all touched.
All of us have an expiration date, and no one is truly an island. It may feel morbid, but think ahead to what you would want to happen after you die, to who you think it would affect. Set up a dead man's flag to send out an email, or keep one person in close confidence, hell, make a list and carry it in your wallet. There will be people who want to know, and keeping them guessing in uncertainty is an unintended cruelty.
Violin is nice, but I bet if we amassed all the people that are already too deep in the fandom to ever quit, we would have a whole orchestra.
...I call dibs on clarinet, tho.
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media1.tenor.com/images/6470f737d0aecd8a4529b195bb824806/tenor.gif
I'm trying to learn ukulele, which isn't an orchestral instrument, but if you ever need a jaunty few chords strummed repeatedly during intermission, I'll be happy to volunteer!
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Loyal2Luna
Yeah... I get your point; I wish we got closure in 2017.
Sorry for your loss. 2020 is indeed the worst possible thing...
Hope DWK's ok :( seeing him log into fimfic every now and then was the only thing that gave me peace of mind.
lost my bro to that same brain thing in 95 so i understand your loss
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right its been a year! i hope he's ok
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It's been four and a half months, not a year.
My condolences for your loss.
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I'll take up the Double bass along side the both of you.
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im talking about his YT channel. its been one year since he uploaded
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That doesn't matter. It's been four and a half months since he last logged in to FimFiction, which was the only way we could tell he was still alive.
...that is wonderful. Thanks!
Thank you, Shakespearicles.
I, too, have no plans of ever leaving alive while this site is still up -- but if something happens and I can still get here for it, I don't see myself leaving without saying so. I've even set something up which might successfully notify people here if I do unexpectedly die, but, uh, obviously I haven't been able to test it.
(There was one forum I was very peripherally on for a short time years ago, which I ended up just drifting away from. I doubt anyone particularly noticed. And I guess technically WoW might count, but I don't recall having any real social contacts there. Other than that, yeah, as far as I'm remembering, either I'm still there (for at least one site pretty much in a "wandering along among the once-thriving ruins, just in case" sense) or I did indeed leave a farewell message (such as one online game I relatively recently left for time reasons, which I'd been on at a low intensity but for probably nearly a decade).)
Health always comes first! I've learned a lot about it when I had to wait for my parents while sitting next to the ER.
I lost a cousin to a motorcycle crash earlier this year. He was about 10 years younger than me and his helmet couldn’t save him. It’s had me thinking of my own impermanence. I’d like to make some kind of promise like you made, but I also do take unplanned breaks and have a deeply cynical view of “I’m leaving the fandom 6ever” posts. I may as well break it down into two parts.
Things I need to do to prepare for the inevitable
I have precisely one IRL friend who knows that this is one of my many usernames. I need to find trusted contacts on here, Derpi, and a couple of pony subreddits to let them know that official news of my demise is likely to come from one of his likely usernames. Otherwise, the assumption should be that I have gotten bored and left without saying goodbye.
More importantly, much like how most people view their greatest duty as spreading their genes and raising their children, mine is to be a shepherd of ideas. I have not failed them if I die before they can be implemented. I have only failed them if I have not provided materials for others to implement them after I am gone (whether through death or attrition [boredom]). Death and quitting are not the only circumstances under which I could share the master outline, but they are the most likely. What I still need to go is give my friend links to the master planning outline as well as the git repositories of unfinished projects with instructions to (find someone to) shamelessly promote those ideas, as in saying “here is an outline that needs to be put into prose” or “here is a half-finished draft” to people who say “I want to write something but I don’t have any worthwhile ideas”
Cynicism on “Goodbye 8ever” posts
Beyond a reasonable minimum length, my rule of thumb is that the longer the goodbye post, the more likely they are to return. You don’t write a 30-page essay outlining why you’re leaving the fandom because you don’t care anymore.
When you get bored and quit, your activity may slow down (gradually or otherwise) for some time before the day you log out for the last time. Other times, it’s a sudden departure when you close the pinned tab and realize that you’re less stressed without it. Either way, there is no single moment when a decision to leave was made.
I do not expect to write a goodbye post: either I’ll be too dead to smash that publish button, I will not have made an intentional decision to never return, or my interest in the fandom will outlast the present infrastructure we use. The most likely circumstance under which I would make one of those posts is if I log back in out of curiosity after a year or more away to write a post that confirms what everypony already suspected: I enjoyed my time here and my interests now lie elsewhere—so long and thanks for all the fish.
I've seen such notable blog posts and they are haunting...
I too do not intend on leaving the fandom. I check the site daily, am active on Discord and other places, and I may consider starting to do blogs on here whenever I do wind up having to be offline fore a while.
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Ukulele gang gang!
If WoW Classic and WoW Classic Burning Crusade couldn't pull me away from the fandom, nothing will. I'll be a part of it in some capacity until my demise.
If I go from ponies, I'll let ya'll know. I couldn't bear to not say where I went.