I Go My Own Way · 6:47am Sep 29th, 2020
To be alone.
I am not a smart person.
Academically, anyways. Probably in other ways, too!
Right now, I’m going through a bit of a stress episode. School has no way of preparing you for the real world, and when you’re thrusted into it overnight the way I was, you tend to not exactly handle things the best way, or even the correct way.
I have a lot on my plate right now. Between personal and professional agendas I need to keep to, I found out that my phone service will be cut off in about 4 days.
Yeah. That soon.
I’m not in any sort of trouble, really. I know I’ll figure it out here soon. But the stacks upon stacks of things that keep piling up is going to make me explode.
I’ve been getting sick to my stomach lately anytime something comes up. It doesn’t even have to be big, it can be something rather irrelevant, but I’ll always start getting stomach cramps and a headache.
The biggest part is insurance. I have none. No medical, no dental, nothing. It weighs heavy on my heart and mind everyday that I’m one walk-by to a sick person and I’ll be royally fucked. I have no dependency; I’m on my own. The last thing I need is a massive medical bill to be slammed into me, or to get in an accident.
Especially in these times, if something like that happens, I’m not sure what I can do. I’ve explored many avenues, but due to my situation, I can’t take them. I have a rather dangerous condition that no one knows about that I need treatment for, but now I cannot get it.
Dental is always something I haven’t thought of a lot. I take an OK job at taking care of my teeth, but I am worried if I need any sudden work done or anything that I’m going to be paying out of pocket heavily. That’s why I’ve never had cleaner and healthier teeth and gums than I have right now.
But what really worries me is optical. My eyes are by far my biggest problem.
My eyes have always been an issue. Ever since elementary, I would basically have to get my prescription updated every year. I’m at the point now where it might be more extreme. The last time I visited an optometrist, they heavily pressured me to get LASIK.
I had to decline. Partly because of fear, partly because of money. They have told me my eyes aren’t getting any better. In fact, they’re getting to the point where I’m going to be legally blind. LASIK would save it, but for now it’s not an option, at least for this year and probably the next.
But it has always been haunting me that one day my eyes are going to go kaput and I won’t be able to do anything about it.
That’s terrifying. I already cannot see past 6 inches from my face. When I found out that my insurance was gone and I was having some eye strain when finding out, I cried and took a shower. I legitimately thought I was about to go blind.
None of it will probably happen though. I will eventually get new insurance from my workplace starting next year. But it’s impossible not to think about while I don’t have it.
Compiling to that, I miss things from my old home. I had two amazing dogs that I had to leave. I miss them so much. I went onto Facebook today and saw my brother upload pictures of them, and I almost broke down. My golden retriever was one of the only things there for me when I was having a rough day. He would come up and sit with me while I was just sitting and thinking. Somehow he knew. He knew that things were heavy on my mind and him being there really helped.
I miss my friends. Not that I had many, but it was still nice to see them and hang out. But now they’re across the country, and only the internet offers ways for us to communicate.
I miss my brother. I’ve had a lot of time to think about family after what they did to me, and my brother has always stood out. He was one of the only ones to contact me after we split. He doesn’t exactly care who I am, or what I did. Perhaps because he was once the black sheep of the family. I desperately want to sit down, have a drink with him, and just discuss family with him. I don’t miss my other family members besides my father, somewhat. I know he’s more wise than anyone I’ve ever known, but he won’t budge for his wife and my sister. He has been played and I can’t talk to him because I know anything I say will be telephoned to them.
I miss my possessions. I could only take 1 suitcase and a backpack with me when I had to leave. Most of that space went to important legal documents and clothes. There are so many things I wish I could have taken, but now they are all gone. Some of those things had value way beyond monetary, and it hurts to know I will never see them again.
I miss my psychologist. Right before I came here (about two weeks actually), I had finally started to get some answers to issues I had been having. But of course, no insurance, no money, no help. To think I had finally started to get answers for once was probably foolish of me. Nothing has exactly gone the way I planned, and I should have expected to wait a while longer.
Talking to me, you wouldn’t ever know these thoughts go through my head. To be able to hide these feelings is a specialty of mine, I guess. I suppose I also hate sympathy, to a degree. My problems are just that: my problems. I have only ever told two people this stuff, and more.
A lot of Discord servers I’m in have venting channels. You don’t need me to explain what these are, you’ve probably seen them, and if you haven’t, you can use context clues to figure it out. I always mute these. It’s not because I don’t care about others' problems or lives, it’s the fact that I do not want to be tempted to type in them. That, and how do I truly help someone when I don’t even have it figured out? My problems seem tiny in comparison, anyways.
~~~
This was a very disjointed blog. I can’t talk about these things, but I can certainly type about them. I know not enough people read these to the point that I’m worried that a bunch of people will come to me. The reason that it is very scattered is that I wrote this while I was going through an episode. It makes the words easier to come out that way.
By tomorrow I’ll be fine. If anything, I’ll probably just be irritated more than anything.
I have plenty of distractions to keep me from thinking too heavily anyways. Huge thanks to my Destiny 2 Clan for doing shit almost nightly so I always have something to take my mind off things. Another big shout out to my Steam friends for doing PAYDAY 2 achievements with me. Now I can just get irritated at a game rather than at life itself. And one final shoutout to the two I play Siege and watch anime with to keep me busy.
I do plan on finishing my trilogy. The last part has been rewritten about 4 times now, but I think I have the direction I want to go in down. Hopefully that’ll be out soon.
Right now, I’m gonna need some sleep. I’m very tired all the time; any social interaction is very draining for me right now. Doing all this thinking of my old life has also brought forth tears and general exhaustion into my pillow here.
I’m not trying to ask for anything. I don’t like to accept help anyways. Like I said before, I know deep down that everything will work out, but it just needs some time.
But, even then, sometimes I feel like I don’t have much of that left either.
Good blog.
Writing helps release either tension or a feeling and helps to cast certainty on a few matters. Its harder to lie to yourself in prose and you get a strong feeling when you do.
You tend to regret 'whiny' blogs the next day, believing you could have held it in, slept earlier, and have the pressure be less the next morning. But we all tend to seek resolution in a sense. Writing is a cement that helps with a bit of that. Some of the trouble, tucked at the back of the mind, begins to lighten—even a little.
I've never viewed such blogs as asking for help or wanting an ear. It's great people read them and feel the need to contact me. But those blogs are expressing and releasing a current problem and, in writing the blog itself, I tend to either resolve or feel better about it.
It's more so I want people to see or know of the process or the battle I am in, the sides the social side does not see but, at the same time, never to make mention of it.
That's enough projection from me.
Keep at it if the time feels right.
~ Yr. Pal, B
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Can agree for the most part. Only thing I would say for me is different is that I don’t exactly regret posting it. If something has proven cathartic for me and does not harm anyone, I have no reason to regret it. Otherwise, you’re pretty on the money with everything said.