WASTE: Reflection 1 (of an as-yet undetermined number?)

This is a sort-of follow-up to the original WASTE. There's a chance this could turn into a series, hence the number, but I'm still trying to visit less. I’ve been kinda looking at stuff here lately, but...well, I’m probably gonna stop doing that a lot.

"Reflection". Yep, that's basically what this is...I don't know what else would work here. I mean, I have had roughly a month to think about what I've been doing, where my life's going, what my future with Fimfiction is...so I thought I'd share these before (mostly) going back into hiding, or whatever.

For a large portion of the past month I actually did better than I was hoping in terms of keeping off Fimfiction. I may have cheated just a little bit, admittedly, but I didn't try to get around it. First, I blocked Fimfiction on my laptop, but this has had little effect anyway since I only really use my laptop for Fimfiction when I'm writing extended posts, kind of like this one. And I removed the shortcut on my phone––which helped since muscle memory tried to make me go here. But I didn't go around it, I didn't reinstate it, or anything really. And that was probably for the best, since I've found I spent an ungodly amount of time here.

To elaborate, when a friend of mine asked for help on something they were writing, and I came back, I found over seventy unread chapters in my library. I took advantage of that time, and this more recent time, to whittle it down to about sixty, but still, that's more than I've ever seen. Plus I had way more time to just read books. That thing that I was super into as a kid, and still like, and was one reason why I decided to take a break...see, there are tons of great stories on here, but not only do I not want to read exclusively pony, but there's a good deal of original fiction and fascinating nonfiction around here. I've finished a lot of books, whereas before I'd kind of struggle to get through one since it was competing with this website.

Now, this break from Fimfiction has also opened up time for more websites that I visit––basically social media. There's Twitter, which I keep feeling like I should get rid of; Facebook, which I only check a couple times a day and it's mostly just lurking for one minute at a time; Instagram, which I just put photos on and get band news from; and Reddit, which is the closest to here in terms of forums and chatting with people.

And this last one has really made me think about my continued role online just because of how involved I am and how involved I want to be. It probably stemmed from the fact that one of the communities I visit most is basically a debate forum, which I mostly lurk in since I don't like getting drawn into arguments because it just sucks up time, I feel like I'd say something stupid, and I'm not big on drawing a lot of attention to myself. I was like that here too, since I used to be in debate forums (or maybe just one––I can't remember). But then there are other places on Reddit I frequent, and even speak up in often, since it's about something I like and it's not at all like a debate forum.

That last paragraph probably seems rather ramble-ish, and you may be wondering "where is he going with this?". To which I'll say, this is kind of influencing what I want to be when I make my full return. Maybe. Ish.

Like I've said, one of the reasons I originally went on this break was because this website ate up a stupid amout of time. And I stand by that––I like this website and all (mostly? kind of?), but I don't want it to eat up a stupid amount of my time. And I don't want to draw a lot of attention to myself, either. I've stated that I want to actually write fanfiction––and I was, at one point, hoping to get something out before 2020 was over, and I'm still hoping for that––and this makes one wonder why I'd do this if I don't want to draw attention to myself. I won't lie, I've had...aspirations, I guess, that I'd become rather well-known around Fimfiction, or at least better known, or known for my actual work. But I think that's kind of egotistical. At least to a degree. I certainly don't think less of people who think this way––in fact, I think it might help to have this attitude to get yourself well-known––but I'm not sure it's for me.

So, I've been thinking about whether I want to turn this account into a faceless entity that does little more than publish stories once I come back in full. I know that on sites like this we're all technically faceless entities hiding behind weird little images, but if I were to do this, it would be taken further. I wouldn't speak much, or post much, or do much of anything other than post stories except in relatively limited circumstances. This account would be basically a vehicle with which to publish stories, much like a piano is a vehicle with which to play music.

I've thought about online accounts like this as...I want to say "extensions of myself" but that doesn't sound right, yet I don't know a better way to say it. I've been feeling that they should be, and are, more like tools, and that I should use them as such. This one being a tool to publish stories.

Once I do come back in full I might not go all the way with the faceless entity thing I just described, and in all likelihood I probably won't, but I guess my point (or one of them) is that this is a tool, and it should be of limited use. It is not me, and it shouldn't be.

I guess another thing to tie into this is...influence? Power? Something like it? Since I've had thoughts about it. And it's kind of connected.

In at least one forum I frequent on Reddit I used to want to be a moderator...but I've seen how it works, and not only does it seem like a time sink, but I don't want to use or abuse my authority to do something stupid or unfair, even on accident. So I changed my mind. Plus this account is listed as an admin in a few groups here on Fimfiction, and I know I've done dumb stuff. Now as someone in a position of power I've discovered it's really not as great as a younger, more naïve me thought. And I think power and influence are definitely related, and I think it's kind of self-evident why.

So––I don't want power, so I don't want to be an influence (or at least a big one––with things like this I know I'd influence someone)––and this kind of brings me back around to my idea of possibly turning this account into a super faceless entity. Somehow I feel that would limit the influence I have over people. It would be mostly contained in the stories. I don't know if this is the best way to go, but I'm seriously wondering if having power and/or influence online is really a good thing. Without getting into specifics, I know what it can do and where it can lead people, and it's not always pretty. Naturally I think I'm right, and everyone thinks they're right––but I could be wrong, or stupid, or something. I know this because I already have been.

I don't know. Maybe after all this, when I've put up this blog post, and resumed my hiatus, I'll decide not to do the full faceless entity thing––but at the least I want to limit my influence.

And not to toot my own horn or anything, but I think this hiatus really has helped me reflect. Even though I visit Reddit and Instagram pretty often, I've found myself thinking about what all this online stuff means––and, well, you've seen some of those thoughts! So I think I've been doing the right thing.

Now at this point I'm sitting here wondering if I've got anything else to say. See, I'm writing this in one go, with minimal proofreading. It just feels better, I guess...but I don't want to sign off until I feel I'm done, since I'm hoping to be gone for a longer period of time. Maybe next time I'll have something more to say.

Wish I was inspired to actually write though since I can’t convince myself to get moving and I just don’t think I’m a very good writer, but at least I’ve got more ideas now than when I started this hiatus thing.

I guess that's really all I have to say then, this is super long, sorry if this seemed disjointed

signing off again after posting this, won’t be checking replies fyi

bye bye

see ya next time