Honest Trailers: Jojo's Bizarre Adventure: Phantom Blood · 5:09pm Aug 25th, 2020

In an era where every anime is either an isekai, a shonen, or a dramatic high school slice of life romcom, one anime series will emerge to become fresher than anything you’ll see this season… and this was plotted in the 80s! And witness the beginning of the meme-making machine that is...

Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure: Phantom Blood

Travel to Victorian England, where the wealthy Joestar family eats steak for every single dinner. The streets are haunted by Jack the Ripper, the dogs are still alive, and the people are made of rectangles. And meet Jonathan, the goody-two-shoes of not just this part, but the entire series. He has a dorky nickname, but the body of Arnold Schwarzenegger, a heart of gold, and plenty of… regular gold, too. Then everything changes when Dio Brando attacks. He’s adopted into the family and begins to torment Jonathan with his hammy voice and the Kono Dio Da meme, until he’s on the verge of claiming the entire fortune by poisoning his father.

Although really, this is all on their heads for not seeing the warning signs. When the first thing he does is kick Jojo’s dog, and later burns him in the furnace, that’s kind of a big red flag. Haven’t they seen John Wick?

And then Dio turns into a vampire. Kind of a twist in the traditional cloth. You thought it was a Victorian Era family drama, but it was me, Supernatural da!

Journey with Jonathan as he confronts his enemies with his friends, like his lover Erina, who’s… basically not there; Speedwagon, the best waifu with a bladed bowler hat that he uses once and… never again. Oh well. He’s still a better gentleman than the neckbeards on Reddit. He even has the blade and the hat; and Will. A. Zeppeli, the first of many flamboyant European Jobros, who teaches Jonathan how to lift rocks, punch frogs, and master Hamon Whole Wheat Sandwiches.

You know, if I had a nickel for every anime series with a young male protagonist with a monster sibling who masters magical breathing that carries the power of the sun to defeat other monsters, I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it happened twice. I’m looking at you, Demon Slayer.

Snore your way through Phantom Blood, as Speedwagon ironically slows down the fights and takes at least ten seconds to describe every single attack, block, and both at once, in the case of the Thunder Cross Split Attack. But a lot happens in only nine episodes, like when Jack the Ripper burst out of the horse, and a kid is introduced, who’s an integral--aaand he’s useless. Speedwagon uses his chiseled abs to melt a frozen arm, Tarkus and Bruford’s backstories had time to be explained and promptly forgotten about, the sword of Luck and Pluck is gifted and used, like, once, a hang glider is made of leaves, and a decapitation deathmatch kills Zeppeli. Spoiler alert. And then Speedwagon yoinks his hat. I mean, sure, you honor your friend and all, but your previous hat was pretty cool.

So scream your best wryyyy, and prepare for the entrance of the rabbit hole that is Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure, where you’re exposed to multiple iconic memes in the first three episodes alone. And revisit the beginning of the legendary series that’ll have you scratching your head and saying, “Whoah, I didn’t remember that.” And neither did Araki, apparently. But even if this is the shortest, most irrelevant, and arguably least engaging part, we appreciate it more the longer it’s been since we’ve seen it. And it’s still miles better than yet another Isekai. Plus it’s the most meme-worthy part.

Speaking of which, what are we going to do about the Starring? The names were all based off pop culture references already. It’s like the ultimate protection against satire.

Starring

Jonathan Joestar: Johnny Ultimate Test

Dio Brando: Count Dankula

Speedwagon: Oil tycoons hate him! Watch him gain millions of dollars in this one easy step!

Will A. Zeppeli: Immigrant Song

Dire: Impossible! No One Can Deflect The Thunder Cross Split Attack!

Straizo: Why do you Exist Again?

Master Tonpetty: Mahatma Gandhi

Erina: The One That Got Away (from the sinking ship)

Body Horror

80’s Sound Effects

Broken Engrish