Got diagnosed as bipolar yesterday · 9:56pm Jun 6th, 2020
Another beautiful addition to the year that is 2020. Let's see now.
I've lost my will to ever write fanfiction again.
I've lost my will to write in general.
I tried to commit suicide three times in a single week... oh, a week or so ago.
I've lost most of my friends—including some of my closest and best friends—because of my mood swings.
I've been accused of merely wanting attention.
I lost my dog 12 days after my birthday.
I've had to deal with nonstop news about COVID-19 and George Floyd recently to the point that I don't care about either anymore (go ahead, hate me, I don't give two flying fucks, I sure as shit hate myself enough as is, your words about how I'm a racist bigot will only feed into my desire to kill myself).
I was called a "part of a bigger problem" by some dumb bitch that I call a cousin because I refused to agree with her about Floyd's death, even after I told her I'd tried to fucking kill myself.
I've berated, demeaned, yelled, screamed, mocked, ridiculed, and humiliated a friend of mine who views me as her big brother because I can't control the fucking mood swings that I have because of how goddamn sudden they are; it's gotten to the point I'm ghosting everyone who's stayed my friend because I can't trust myself to not flip out at them. The best part though is I've suffered extreme memory loss whenever this shit happens.
Speaking of those friends, I'm convinced they actually hate me and don't want me around because of how hopeless I've felt.
I got extremely drunk some days ago and ended up verbally assaulting two of my closest friends to the point they broke down crying. RBDash47 had to implore me to not drink again, even though it was one of the very few times in recent memory that I felt really happy.
The only solace I find nowadays is telling the few friends I have left stories about my past adventures and misadventures on World of Warcraft and at the rate things go, that's going to lose its spark really quickly. I thought getting diagnosed as bipolar would help, but the constantly swings from happy to sad have left me feeling defeated. I've spent more time mumbling to myself about how everyone's turned their backs on me and how I've failed as a friend since I can't be asked to simply walk away when I get angry. I must've told myself that everything was my fault over a hundred times by now because of the stuff I've said. Best of all: I had a friend who I swore saw me as a brother to him say he had no desire to ever check up on me.
Great fuckin' year 2020's been. I can't wait to see what June brings me. Maybe some riots can break out and I'll get shot so I can finally feel the sweet release of death.
My life's a goddamn joke, but hey: I'm also a racist bigot because I won't devote my time to helping out the #BLM movement when all I want to do is jump in front of a train. Thanks, cousin. If you somehow ever find this, I hope I drag you in front of the train with me.
*hugs*
Sorry to hear that man. You have my sympathy.
Huh, I don't blame you for these feelings. A lot of folks do feel these feelings. I support it in my own way. I don't need to go to every website like twitter and such. I just do it in my own way here in Wyoming. But the fact that if you do nothing that is kind of silly to me. Now I do understand again emotions are high. Because some people act pretty out there on both sides right now. It's why I am neutral but will support Cops in my own state since.. Nothing like this happens here. Like I have told many people here it's like it's own country here. Also, the protest here is calm and cool.
But sometimes it's best for everyone to take a calm deep breath and not allow things like this to get to you. Being Latino I have always been told. I should be upset about how people like me are treated. I have flatly said I got more things to worry about than that right now. Life getting food on the table and a job. If I have time I will worry about that if at all.
But to either side right now you are either evil evil evil.. or evil because it's not as simple as both sides think it is. Not everyone goes to twitter or Facebook or so on. Also, not everyone cares to watch the news. I am one of those folks if I do read something I need both sides and then I rip it apart to find the cracks.
There is cracks in both arguments there always is. But again I do hope you feel better Vert.
I shall add a few more things. It's a matter of perspective to many. Here in my state, you can just have a normal conversation with anyone even BLM and they will disagree to agree with you. That's why I tell people the argument here is so much different to the rest of the country. If folks came down here for awhile they would see what I mean. But I will support the Cops here since we don't have any bad ones as well as the BLM protest here. Since I live here and I only have the money for a state like this to do so. Besides I lived near new york and In MIchigan I am like I am not surprised it's as bad as it is.
Hey dude, I'm still here. Feel free to message me if you need it. I'm glad you did the other day.
*hugs*
We're still here for you always,remember that.
*hugs*
You have value.
5279503
All have value it's just a matter if some wish to see it.
Depression sucks.
The only thing I will say about it is that of the very few people who survived jumping off the golden gate bridge the one thing they all had in common was that they regretted it the instant they started falling. It may not feel like it now, but there are people who care about you. I've been there.
Now that you have a diagnosis you can start recognizing symptoms and getting treatment. Don't be afraid of taking meds, you are not less of a person because you need meds. Lots of people have a chemical imbalance in how the brain functions that can be helped with meds: ADHD, bipolar, depression, insomnia, and others. If your insurance sucks and does not want to cover anything try GoodRx. You can get bipolar meds for $4-20/month using it.
As far as being called racist: you are not racist. Most people don't actually care either. They are just virtue signalling.