new story idea · 8:40pm Nov 21st, 2012
heres a preview of my new story its still a work in progress hlep is always welcome but dont hate :P
The trees of the everfree forest they are tall dark and magical. the night here brings many eyes watching your every move. from above and below these eyes come inevitable and unavoidable. as they watch me I try to remember why I’m there under all these eyes, but nothing comes to mind. as unnerving as they are the eyes seem afraid of me this prestanding fear is hardly what is at the forefront of my thoughts however. Why am i here?,Where is here?, where can i go?, should i go?
with a jump i am pulled from my thoughts by a cry farther in the woods. without thinking i bolted in whatever direction i thought was away from the cry. the trees flying past me in a blur of muted color. i dodge branches that seem to jump out to trip up my hooves. while running blindly through the forest the feeling of dread building ever faster. And now to add to my fear the cries were getting louder and possibly closer. OH GOD NO! i cried in my mind when suddenly a root caught my hoof and my face quickly became acquainted with the ground.
in that moment before i hit the ground all became quiet the cry that had me so frightened was gone, all the eyes seemed to vanish. but this was short lived and as my senses returned everything seemed worse the cry was stronger now and the eyes fear of me vanished. As i regained my footing i hoofed it as fast as i could in my undetermined direction. my fore hoof in slight pain from my not so elegant fall but moments ago. I ran and i ran before the cry was finally so loud i could hear nothing else. it was then i dared to look around to see what i was running from, this was a mistake. then suddenly all went black the night became nothingness.
when i awoke from the void of unconsciousness i had fallen into only one thought came to mind get to safety. but when i thought from what, there was nothing there. i had lost my memories! but thats i would deal with later so i decided i better leave wherever i was. as i walked through the bleak forest i noted that it must be early morning by the dim light trying to push its way through the wall of trees. it was after a few moments of trotting that i realized i was in a lot of pain, i was covered i scratches and cuts, my ear had been slightly cut open, and i just felt like hell. disturbing as this was i continued my trot, all the creatures that seemed to be watching me seemed to have left. it was then that i saw the light getting brighter as i moved toward an opening in the trees. As i burst through it the world seemed to change.
As i examined the world around me everything was so bright and peaceful. as i trotted down the road my mood changed from scared for my life to happy in every sense. “was i safe now? where am i? Who am i?” these questions began popping into my head once more. unable to come up with any answers i decided to head towards what looked like a town in the distance.
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As i approached the the quaint looking village i notice the simple rustic look of everything.
Now as I draw closer the towns inhabitants come into view. All over where pastel colored ponies some with wings, some with horns, some with neither. Having no memory of where i was or how i had gotten here i decided to ask somepony where i had wandered into. it was around this time that the lack of energy i had began to show. as i wondered sleepily around town most of the ponies i pass seemed to avoid me. Odd is there something weird about me? i had to stop many times cause from what i can gather i had not slept in a few days.things began to get hazy as my vision blurred. as i tried to figure out where i was going i bumped into a few passing ponies. when suddenly i passed out, man my face sure loves the dirt it seems. as i lay there in a hardly conscious state many ponies walked around me not noticing a passed out mare in the street!
I was finally brought back to the waking world by a lavender hoof poking me repeatedly in the side. as my vision focused on the asialent of my side. She was a lavender colored mare with a dark purple mane with a single strip of pink running through its length. Her lips were moving but i could hardly hear what she was saying. After a few seconds of trying to regain my hoofing i managed to stand back up, and by this time my hearing had returned. the mare was asking are you ok over and over again.
“Are you ok mis?”
“um what oh sorry umm..im ok i think”
“you don’t look well would you like to come to my home and rest up a bit?” the mare motioned to her home, which turned out to be a tree?
“um alright, thank you.” i replied “but umm.. who are you?” I asked the mare with a confused look upon my face.
“oh how silly of me my name is Twilight Sparkle” the mare who i now know as Twilight answered with a friendly smile. “and what's your name miss...?”
“my name is.. well...um i don’t have a name..do i? i was mentally kicking myself for not remembering anything.
“no name.. well thats odd well lets get you inside you seem to have had a rough time where ever you where.” and with that the two mares trotted off towards the tree/home of Twilight.
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plz comment and tell me what you think
hmmmm quite intrsting. i like
well thats good to hear :D
edit: no clue when il actually come out with it but im writing the next part of that chapter right now
lots of talking -.- damn you Twi and your talking. :D
I write this comment to help you my loyal fan, so if I somehow come off as sounding like a know-it-all, or if it seems like I'm ragging on it, believe me I'm not!
Spacing: Good
Capitalization: Fair
Make sure to capitalize the first letter at the beginning of the sentence (and if you did that because this was only a preview, then I apologize)
Commas: Good
Overall Rating:
/ 10
I can see you're doing a First-Person point of view here, very nice. It seems intriging, but since you're doing this fromt hat angle remember to add soem detail to it like you did in the upper half. Have your OC comment about what she sees, what she smells, how she feels. When opropreate of course. Okay few questions!
1. I'll assume its adventure correct?
2. Since this is a mare are we to expect some Twilight x OC fillyfooling stuff happening
Sorry had to ask
And good luck!
well im glad to answer
it will be a slice of life and an adventure possibly some dark in there :V
shipping possibly im unsure at the moment seeing as how im defiantly not good at writing romance of pretty much any sort lol
and it might not stay first person :P
and the caps well i just typed it out on gdocs witch has a horriable spell checker (at least i find) so thats just casue i had yet to edit them they will be fixed when ever i get this up and thanks for your rating :P
and another shipping side note (Twi was just the first she ran into the other mane 6 should make appearancesstatic.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightsmile.png )