The Never Ending Search.

(TL;DR At bottom)
Ever since the beginning of last year I have been searching for something, yet I can never for the life of me figure out what it is. Sometimes I feel like I need help, be it physically or mentally, other times I feel like I need to find a new passion, or in some rare cases I feel as though I need to find myself. I suppose this search has been going on since I was much younger, but it didn't really occur to me that I was even searching until last year. I decided that my best course of action was to search for help, as that was the first thing my mind gravitated towards by default, but now that I've found the help I still find myself searching for something.

My next instinct was to search for bonds and the compassion of others, something I've sorely lacked for a long time, but even when I had the acceptance of those around me, even the acceptance of myself, I find my search continuing. No matter what I try to find to fill this empty hole within me I can't seem to ever finish. No amounts of goals, accomplishments, recognition, validation, or contentment seems to do the trick.

I'm certainly not an unsuccessful person, far from it in fact, but I feel as though I will never be complete no matter how hard I try. That doesn't at all mean I'll stop trying, but it certainly brings a cloud to rain on my parade when I finally find the next step, only to realize that I'd been walking in the wrong direction the entire time.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore, all I know is that I'm filled to the brim with emotions and feelings that I've never been used to having. All my life I've muted them because the thoughts of everyone else's hardships made me feel selfish for even thinking I had anything worth worrying about. Now that I'm older I realize that everyone has problems yes, but that doesn't mean you can compare them as if they were even on the same plane. A preppy rich kid who has all the money and time in the world may be frustrated that their private driving lessons aren't going well, and a poorer kid at school may be wondering why their parents always ignore them and fight each other.

These people are different, and as such both of their problems matter to them in ways no one BUT them can understand. I have to realize that my problems have affected me in ways I never cared to notice, because I was so low on my list of priorities that anyone else's life or hardships would have come first. I need to think about myself for once, and that by no means makes me selfish.

I suppose the whole point of this blog post is to say that...I really don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm just filled with emotions, issues, self doubt, and a metric crap ton of ideas that have swirled around in my brain for the better part of four years now. The more I've worked on myself, the more I've worked on the ideas that almost all have to do with ponies in some way, shape, or form. It may not be what most people consider normal, but hey It's what I want to do right now. Anything to get them out of my head and anywhere else.

I'm not promising anything crazy like my last post spouting about how "I Was Back" but what I am saying is that I'm going to actually try now, no matter how bad things turn out I just want these stories out of my head and shared with someone else. Literally ANYONE else.

TL;DR: I'm "Technically" back, but don't at all expect me to provide extremely good quality (Which is by my own standards mind you). I'm only going to try to actually finish the things I start from now on. Updoots may be sporadic and somewhere on the spectrum of complete dung to fairly decent. Just know that whoever still cares enough to read them means more to me than they could possibly imagine.

~Till next time Non-Existent Viewers.
Emo Rainbow