The Legend of Daring Do – SOAP Notes with Seriff Pilcrow · 4:15pm Mar 15th, 2020
So what do we have on the examining table today? A request to review a Daring Do fic? Oh, you know me so well.
For all you readers who didn’t get scared off by that spoiler warning earlier, let’s give a brief rundown of this fic.
It’s Jumanji.
Except Twilight Sparkle is the game master, using her magic to create an imaginary world out of a book, and can call Rainbow Dash out of the adventure and back to reality at any time. Oh, and Daring Do Dash is an amateur writer and RD’s deceased younger sister. She made the Jumanji-like book that Twilight is using. Daring Dash is a game master from beyond the grave, if you will. Using a combination of allegory and classic adventure tropes, Daring Dash’s book and Twilight’s magic take Rainbow Dash on an adventure and connect her with her long lost sister.
So…maybe not like Jumanji.
Look, just read the fic’s description up there. It’ll make sense.
So how does this rather fanciful premise stack up? Strap your seatbelts on, because we’re diving right in.
This review is addressed to the author as feedback and thus contains spoilers. Spoilers are marked wherever possible just in case there are brave bystander souls out there who enjoy my rubbish.
Subjective
Characters
Before we begin, let’s set up some house rules.
The first rule of Seriff’s clinic is that we don’t talk about Seriff’s clinic.
The second rule is that in this review, we shall not use the name “Daring” by itself, because there are two Darings. The third rule is that we shall use the name “Daring Dash” to refer to Rainbow Dash’s younger sister. The fourth rule is that we shall use the name “Daring Do” to refer to Daring Dash’s self-insert character in Jumanji the book that she wrote.
Comprehensive discussion
Unlike the dumb action movie that Spectrum of Lightning is, The Legend of Daring Do gives us actual character exploration. The fic’s description already gives you the obvious: RD will do some soul searching as she gets a second chance to get to know her deceased sister. They fight, talk, hug—you know, the usual sisterly stuff, and it’s all presented in a clear, concise, compact package. Though Daring Do is ultimately just a self-insert fictional character for Daring Dash, it is through Daring Do that Rainbow Dash ultimately connects with her younger sister, learning all about her quirks, insecurities, and latent abilities.
And as for Daring Do herself? Well…
This, but with Daring Dash.
Daring Do is an…interesting character. Even if she is technically not Daring Dash, both of them are so intertwined that you might as well think of them as the same. Heck, the story—even the characters—encourage this kind of mindset, since the spell used by Diet Jumanji grows stronger with imagination. In terms of how well this works in the story, however, it’s a double-edged sword. This story’s unique setup would not exist if Rainbow Dash treated Daring Do differently from Daring Dash. But this setup creates some oddities in the otherwise slick characterization of our main heroes, such as Daring Do having access to information that she shouldn’t know because she is a fictional character and a figment of RD’s imagination.
For example, Daring Do knows her real-life counterpart is dead. And she doesn’t just stop there. Daring Do attributes Daring Dash’s death to herself, saying at one point, “I’m not used to being dead.”
These kinds of character snarls aren’t just limited to Daring Do. Several supporting characters appear in Daring Dash’s book, and all of them are badass adventurer reimaginings of actual ponies Daring Dash knew. In their own right, these characters are serviceable; I’ll explain later. But they too know things they, in all likelihood, aren't supposed to know. It’s implied they also know that Daring Dash is dead. Examples include Redblood (based on Nurse Redheart) in the Legend of Free Fall chapter and Free Fall herself (based on Fleetfoot) in the chapter after that. This raises the question: How did they know? There’s also the fact that at one point, RD calls Free Fall one of her idols, and Free Fall barely reacts, implying that she is part of the Wonderbolts… Except she isn’t. Free Fall is explicitly stated later on to not be a Wonderbolt, unlike her real pony counterpart. So, does all of this mean that Redblood and Free Fall know they are fictional characters? Is this a feature of the story I’m not understanding? Or is it a bug? A flaw? Something to dock points from?
Eh, I suppose it doesn’t bother me that much. Even if there isn’t an explanation, I can fill in the gaps in my head. Since Twilight and Daring Dash’s combined spell relies on imagination, it’s possible RD simply imagined that all those supporting characters knew of Daring Dash’s passing.
I mentioned the supporting characters in Daring Dash’s book and how they’re based on real ponies. Thankfully, The Red Parade knew that keeping Rainbow Dash in Diet Jumanji would get monotonous real quick, so Twilight allows Rainbow to jump out of Diet Jumanji to eat, sleep, go to work—you know, the usual stuff. But more important than eating, sleeping, and contributing to society, RD uses this time to talk to other ponies about her sister, including the inspirations behind the supporting characters in Daring Dash’s book. These moments give us, and RD, a more multifaceted view of Daring Dash and give a sense of fullness to the fanfic’s world—like it isn’t just RD whose life was changed by Daring Dash.
It’s not completely perfect, though. It’s revealed, in a letter, that Daring Dash never told RD about her crush towards Fleetfoot. This was because Daring Dash was afraid that RD would get mad at her for dating her idol behind her back. This fear is…rather unfounded, and not just because RD doesn’t get angry. At no point in canon or anywhere in this fanfic did RD hint that she was opposed to having the Wonderbolts fall in love with anypony, so why was Daring Dash scared? Furthermore, RD never singled out Fleetfoot among the Wonderbolts: she’s not an idol among idols. So why would RD care about Fleetfoot specifically?
Let’s move on to the supporting characters in Daring Dash’s book. For the most part, they do their job well. They each have unique chemistry with Daring Do and with each other. And readers who enjoy seeing alternate versions of canon characters will get a kick from seeing all the gear, mad Skillz that minor and background ponies from the show have acquired when Daring Dash took them on a level of badass. My only gripe, apart from the aforementioned knowledge snarl, is that I kinda wish Daring Dash’s supporting characters had a more dynamic characterization. They’re definitely not flat characters, but they are kinda static. And that’s okay for the purpose they play in the fanfic, but…man, the potential was there…
I wish I could shower this same praise at the villains of this fic.
The villains that Daring Dash writes into her book are easily the weakest characters in the fanfic. They don’t have a character arc or even anything to make them any more than flat characters. They are just there to give RD and Daring Do an obstacle. Collectively, they have little logical connection with each other and thus come across as throwaway and episodic. The story attempts to solve this in the leadup of the climactic battle (not the climactic battle itself, which is actually very well done), where the villains—which include gangs, pirates, changelings, and non-sapient monsters—all come out of a sealed-off tomb to fight the heroes. But this attempt falls flat because of its lack of logic. No reason is given for why these monsters are teaming up or how they congregated inside a tomb at just the right place and time, waiting to fight the heroes. It just happens.
But we’ll talk about that scene later. Let’s move to specific villains.
Caballeron shows up in this fic once and is never mentioned again, not even in the leadup of the final battle. He didn’t even put up a good fight in his only appearance. He was wasted, honestly. And yes, I understand that Daring Dash wrote this book to teach Rainbow Dash about her life (he was based on one of Daring Dash’s stern teachers), but it’s still really petty and of poor taste to base villains in your book off of real people.
I didn’t enjoy the way The Legend of Daring Do handled the three bullies from Daring Dash’s childhood. Unlike the other characters, the bullies simply appear as-is, without any changes to make them fit into the pulp adventure atmosphere. Though they are taken down in a rather juicy fight scene, Daring Do is still shown to be hurt by their words—even though said words are just generic insults rather than personal, deep-cutting ones. Even though Daring Do has faced down more dangerous foes. Again, yes, Daring Dash wanted to educate Rainbow Dash about her life, but was this really the best her “remarkable writing skills” could do? Daring Dash’s mutterings, spoken through her self-insert in that scene, are correct; she should’ve removed that part or at least heavily revised it.
But overall, despite these flaws, characters in The Legend of Daring Do are handled fairly well. Color me impressed.
Non-salient features
- I saw the “Free Fall is actually Fleet Foot” thing from a mile away. It’s like an MI; even doctors in training can spot an MI from history and PE alone.
- The copout about Minute being a “free agent” would normally be a flaw, but Twilight calls it out, so I’m letting it pass. 0 points subtracted from Characters.
- Out of all the supporting characters in the fanfic, Redheart resonates with me the most…because medicine…and because emotionless robot. Beep boop.
- Why couldn’t Cobble Iron be the real pony and Caballeron be the fictional one?
“You see, when I was but a young colt growing up in the streets of Detrot”
Aw, you should’ve waited for him to pull out the Reference-Inator and announce his plan to take over the Tri-State Area.
“Uh, alright, but why would I want you to be here, outside of the story?” “I don’t know. Maybe you don’t realize it yet. Either way, I can’t answer it for you.”
Truly an answer worded with exceptional clarity. Thanks, Obama.
Impression: 7.3/10
Plot and Concept
Comprehensive discussion
The plot of The Legend of Daring Do is….farfetched. This is a story where Daring Do is a fictional character…written in 2020. Not only that, but there’s so much unique, weird stuff in this fic—the Jumanji-like magic, some of the monsters, the magic-tech that Daring Do’s friends wield in the story—that I was afraid the story would trip up in all the madness.
And yet, The Red Parade makes it work.
Reading The Legend of Daring Do is like taking a trip back to 2012, before “Daring Don’t.” I say that as a good thing. There’s a sort of nostalgia that I can’t really describe. A compact, breezy adventure filled with character development is a breath of fresh air in today’s sea of endless, edgy doorstoppers. Almost every scene contributes to the story and fleshes out its characters. And I’ll admit: I didn’t cry in this fic. I’m not a baby; I’m an emotionless robot. But I can appreciate the attempt to tug the heartstrings without yanking on them. All stories are, to some degree, exercises in emotional manipulation, and The Legend of Daring Do demonstrates dexterity and finesse in that regard.
I can’t really put it in longer sentences—not that you would want me to, anyway. You must tire of my rambling. The Legend of Daring Do’s plot is well-crafted…
…for the most part.
Thankfully, the places where The Legend of Daring Do trips up in its plot and emotional momentum are localized, easily-isolatable areas. Celestia forbid that you write a plot hole that’s systemic, affecting the entire story.
I complained about the way the three bullies were handled in the Characters section. What I didn’t talk about was the scene after that. Sometime after encountering that lot of villains, Twilight lets Rainbow Dash read a letter written by Daring Dash. In the letter, she waxes poetic about the bullies, expressing her insecurity, her inability to deal with her harassers, and her inability to tell Rainbow Dash.
The problem? Almost all the information here was already given in the previous scene, either explicitly or implicitly. The letter conveys no new information, and to make matters worse, it’s written in a straightforward way that violates Show Don’t Tell (more on this later). All these combine to create a chore of a letter to read, turning what should be a touching exhibit of Rainbow Dash learning about her sister’s pain into a frustrating, artificial emotional experience.
The second place where The Legend of Daring Do falls flat on its face is, as previously mentioned, the leadup to the climactic battle. I already mentioned how illogical it is for all the villains to collaborate like this, but the scene has other problems. It’s too short—way too short to be satisfying and way too short to fool people into thinking it’s the actual final battle—and its choreography, for some reason, was lackluster and confused compared to the slick, comprehensible fights before (and after). Then there’s the cheap emotional twist at the end of the scene: Daring Do’s death. This twist sends Rainbow Dash crashing into a depression, stopping the Diet Jumanji session, and crying over her sister’s grave, as at that point in the plot, she has fully connected with Daring Dash through Daring Do. From an in-universe standpoint, her reaction is understandable. But from a reader’s standpoint, any emotional momentum that could have been present in this scene is extinguished due to the inane nature of the scene that came before it. Furthermore, Rainbow Dash’s depression leaves as suddenly as it came, leaving no lasting impact on the rest of the plot, and she’s soon back playing Diet Jumanji with Twilight. And Daring Do is resurrected later in the story, so what the blazes was the point of that whole excursion? All it gave us was some Chekhov’s guns to use in the climactic battle, and it’s not like The Red Parade couldn’t have given us those Chekhov’s guns in previous, more competently made fights.
Ah, fights. See Spot punch, See Spot shoot, See Seriff upvote your story. Finally, I get to talk about something I liked about this fanfic again.
While the way the action scenes are written could’ve been better—I’ll explain in the next section—the content in the action scenes is near perfect. Everything I can ask for is there: visceral injuries, heroes outsmarting villains, smooth choreography, and most important of all, character. Demonstrating characterization in action scenes is usually overlooked, but it’s an integral aspect—a secret sauce, if you will—to creating good action. And The Red Parade delivers. And there’s a lot of action scenes in this story, so The Red Parade delivers a lot. Sure, the choreography is described a little less than I would prefer, but I’m willing to overlook that. Nowhere is this more exemplified than in the final battle.
But first, an intermission.
I’m going to raise two…shall we say points. These are not flaws. I do not mind them, but you might find people who do, so be careful. First, I noticed that fights get more violent and profane as the story progresses, rather than the violence and profanity being spread evenly throughout all the action scenes. This change in tone can upset some readers. Thank goodness you tagged your story correctly! Second, the fast pace of this story means that there are several “double-barrel” action scenes—fights separated only by one to five small paragraphs. The action scenes in Spectrum are a heck of a lot worse in this regard, but just because I do it doesn’t mean I’m right, and it doesn’t mean you can do this without consequence. Again, I don’t have a problem with double-barrel action scenes, but they could make some of your less combat-oriented readers mentally exhausted.
So, yeah, final battle: easily the best scene in the story, more than making up for its disastrous lead-up. Upon discovering the MacGuffin artifact of Daring Dash’s story, the artifact’s guardian spirit possesses Daring Do and her four friends, then forces Rainbow Dash to fight them each one-on-one. Without giving too much away, the choreography is slick, the stakes are high, the punches hit hard, and most importantly, characterization shines. Rainbow Dash shows the reader how much she’s learned about her sister through her friends and how much she’s developed in the adventure. Oh, what I would give to experience that battle again with fresh eyes.
Non-salient features
- Daring Do’s knife thing is a little confusing. How does she store blades long enough to cut vines inside her wings? Alternatively, how does her small knife cut through vines?
- “Divines are vulnerable to blades” Oh, that’s convenient.
- “Knife-sword thing” You mean machete? If that’s what it is, just say “machete.” I don’t think RD’s that dumb.
- I kind of wish the final battle ended on more than just the white void, but I’m okay with what I have.
- In the final battle, the part where Daring Do’s voice pulls off a GameFAQs is weird, quite frankly. It’d probably be better for RD to figure all that stuff out herself.
- Also in the final battle, I like the callback with Minute, rocks, and her shield. It’s a nice callback. Just don’t tell me it’s a callback; I’m smart enough to remember. Add 0.05 to this category’s score.
- Minor criticism: In the Valkyrie action scene, after Free Fall saves Minute, RD spends a good portion of the next fight not doing anything except observing Free Fall fight. Subtract 0.03 from this category’s score.
“Not like it matters to me” “It should matter!” “Why?” “Because maybe I’m not okay with you being dead!”
This is a weird way to progress to that thought. It just felt like this story needed a pithy saying to end on, but it just ends up sounding like a non-sequitur when paired with the previous scene. Subtract 0.05 from this category’s score.
"‘Tell me, are you afraid of death?’”
I mean…the fact that Twilight can just stop the spell when things get too intense should dispel any fears of death. Exhibit A: every gamer ever
“Yes and no. Because you’ll always be right here”
Don’t do it, man! Don’t do it! Don’t go for the Cardiac Metaph–
She says, tapping her heart.
“The final door opens and my sister steps out. She smirks at me, silently daring me to get her.”
Oh, ha ha ha ha ha. You must think you’re so clever with that pun.
“A game. Right. Yeah. It was fun. I never thought that beating up a bunch of imaginary jerk-faced monsters would feel so good.”
Every video game ever. But especially Dark Souls.
Impression: 7.85/10
Objective
Prose and Writing Style
Comprehensive discussion
If there’s one thing that makes me jealous of The Red Parade, it’s the ability to convey so much emotion in so few words. The fast pace and concise writing style of The Legend of Daring Do produce a story that’s light on the eyes but heavy on the heart. And as someone who likes to say that less is more when it comes to fiction (medical reports and reviews, on the other hand…), I really appreciate The Red Parade for his surgical efficiency with prose.
Unfortunately, it’s not always like this. And what kind of doctor would I be if I didn’t detect problems?
Little infodumps and flashbacks are scattered throughout the fic, especially at the beginning. Sometimes they work, especially since this is a first-person story, where it’s acceptable for the prose to briefly “retreat” into the protagonist’s mind. But usually, they are just jarring and violate show don’t tell; the information in the infodump could have been shown to us through character interaction rather than merely told. This is sometimes the case, but at other times, it’s told then shown, which makes the infodump redundant alongside being jarring. To make things worse, the infodumps sometimes interrupt the flow of the scene, making them redundant, jarring, and abrupt all at once.
Take, for example, the scene where Rainbow Dash explains who one of the villains in Daring Dash’s story is.
“It’s interesting,” I say. “But I gotta say, a lot of this stuff feels familiar.” Suddenly, I remember something. “Wait, Dr. Cobble Iron wouldn’t happen to be Dr. Caballeron, would it? That one professor you had that railroaded you the entire year?”
Daring giggles. “There might be some resemblance there.”
Okay, from what she told me about Caballeron, I can guess why he’s a villain in the story. Apparently he shredded her paper in front of the entire class, saying he was just trying to help while he criticized every single angle of it. Daring came home crying that night, and I remember swearing that I’d go beat him up or something.
Don’t really know what happened to him, but I think he got into some sort of incident where he stole work from somepony and put his name on it. I think he got fired or something, but that was years ago.
I clear my throat. “And all that other stuff with the vines? And changelings?”
Some of this info would’ve been better if it were incorporated into her dialogue. “Wait, Cobble Iron…Dr. Caballeron? Wasn’t he the jerk who tore your college thesis apart in front of the class…literally and figuratively?” It’s shorter; it flows better; and now you don’t need that middle paragraph.
A better example of exposition in this story is when the reader is told about the City of Drifting. Here, the exposition is told to us via character dialogue: Daring Do is telling Rainbow Dash about Locale X because RD doesn’t know a thing about it. This is better than the random infodump and flashback method because the information is relayed to the reader more organically.
Still, an even better example is the part where Twilight shows RD a picture of Fleetfoot and Daring Dash in love. This part made me smile. Not because I think the ship is cute—I think the ship is flippin’ weird—but because the information presented in that scene is shown to us, not told. There’s no infodump or flashback: just RD taking in the information shown to her while the prose nudges—not shoves, nudges—the reader to the right direction.
Let’s go back to the Caballeron paragraph.
“I can guess why he’s a villain in the story.”
Readers are smart. We know from the surrounding text that we are going to be introduced to the villain's identity. So why repeat that fact?
Other repetitions like this occur throughout the fic. Sometimes, single words are repeated; other times, it’s whole ideas. For example, there are dialogue lines in Chapter 1 that essentially just repeat “It’s been three years since Daring Dash’s death” without offering additional perspectives, and there are sentences like this.
“Daring and I both drop into defensive stances, daring it to make a move.”
I know some of these are attempts at making puns on Daring, but some of them just come across as awkward.
Finally, let’s head to the action scenes. I like the fights, but the way the fights are written leaves something to be desired. Since this is similar to an issue I found in the old version of PonyJosiah13’s Ponyville Noire Volume 1, I’ll copy some stuff from my review of that fic.
The prose doesn’t take advantage of paragraph spacing and sentence length to establish tone, tension, and pacing. Sentences and paragraphs generally have the same average length throughout the story. This is fine in calmer scenes like heart-to-heart conversation, but action scenes suffer quite a bit because they call for short, choppy sentences and paragraphs to create an underflow of urgency. You’re writing a story, not a medical textbook. It’s okay to have one-sentence or even one-word paragraphs. Treat sentence paragraph lengths like musical tempo, and you’ll have an extra tool you can use to set the pacing of your writing apart from fancy words.
You can even apply this to non-action scenes too.
Daring frowned and flipped through the notebook, studying the contents. “Hmm,” she mused to herself, her voice echoing within the painting. Flipping to the front of the book, she found herself looking at a red bookmark with a name scrawled onto it: “Sombra.” Attached to the page was a folded up letter with a crusty wax seal bearing a shield with a snowflake on it…
If you isolate “Sombra” into a one-sentence paragraph, you can draw attention to it and make your pacing a lot better.
Another example.
“Wait till he comes out, then follow him—” Phillip started to say, but was interrupted by a cruiser pulling up to the Head and stopping on the curb.
This is better as “‘Wait till he comes out, then follow him—’ A cruiser stopped on the curb.” The interruption is better punctuated by a short sentence or, even better, a paragraph break.
Additionally, in The Legend of Daring Do, there are many instances where the action scenes are interrupted and when the words used in them aren’t “dynamic.” There’s two parts to the first issue: the usual reasons for the interruption are to describe certain things and to allow the characters to express their thoughts. Generally, you don’t take time to devote descriptions of things to their own paragraphs unless the tempo of the story slows down—that is, if the characters get the opportunity to relax or catch a breath. When you’re fighting, everything’s moving so fast and there isn’t time to get a good sensory description of unfamiliar things or characters. So if you want to describe something or someone that will be used in a fight, it’s better to do it before or after the fight. Or if it’s impossible to avoid describing the thing in the middle of the fight, it’s better to just give the thing a very brief description—just enough to get the reader by until there’s a more appropriate moment for the viewpoint character to stop and catch a breath.
Now for action scenes interrupted because of characters expressing their thoughts. An example of this is during the first fight of the story.
With a quick swipe she lops off the head of the first Divine. It staggers backwards, and Daring plungers her knife-sword-thing deep into its body. It stumbles before collapsing in a heap.
Seeing her fight is… weird. It just goes against the image I had of her. I just remember her as awkward and kind of nerdy. As the mare who would say “Thanks, you too,” after you said “Hello.” Now I’m watching her fight off a bunch of vine monster things.
The second pragraph stops the action, disrupts its pacing, and doesn’t make sense given the context of the situation. After all, it’s hard to use your head to its fullest capacity and contemplate when bullets are flying past it. Furthermore, it violates show, don’t tell. Again, if you want to communicate a specific emotion or mindset in the middle of a fight, it’s better to use an action (jaw drop, blinking, etc), then engage in navel-gazing when the fight is over and the characters can rest.
As for words that aren’t “dynamic,” word choice carries a lot of weight, especially in action scenes. Action scenes can be improved by using specific, meaty words as opposed to generic, dull ones (“A car went past” vs “A sedan zoomed past”). This is mostly a subjective endeavor, though, but with experience, you’ll get the hang of it.
Credit where credit’s due, though: by choosing first-person, The Red Parade has made it easier to avoid a common pitfall in action scenes: a dull, clinical voice. Third-person stories tend to have this problem because the narrator is some kind of disembodied spirit distant from the characters’ perspectives. First-person narrators, however, have the benefit of actually being one of the characters in the story, so it’s easier for the author to give the narrator a more distinct voice.
I’ll admit, though: when I first read The Legend of Daring Do, I thought Rainbow Dash sounded a little too introspective and contemplative as a narrator. But upon re-reading the story, I guess I just got used to it? I’m still not sure. Whatever the case, I don’t have any major complaints with RD as a narrator in this story. I’m not going to remove any points for writing RD the way you did. Maybe I’d suggest making the first-person narration more “Rainbow Dash-like,” but keep in mind: this is less of a critique and more of a minor suggestion.
Non-salient features
“Watch out,” Redblood shouts.
Oh no. Ahh. Hear my eardrum-perforating cries. Rarrr
“Minute blocks my second attack, our blades locking for a second before she suddenly disengages and stabs at me”
Try to avoid using adverbs like "suddenly" when writing action. The meaning behind the word "suddenly" can be conveyed using sentence length. "Minute blocks my second attack, our blades locking for a second. She disengaged. Then thrust at me."
Then the room around me starts fading away. There’s a noise that sounds like wind mixed with one of Pinkie’s balloons deflating...
This balloon metaphor is inappropriately silly for a tense, scary scene like this. Subtract 0.08 from this category’s score.
“I feel the place he hit me”
*spot. “Place” makes it sound like RD is referring to an actual place instead of a part of her body. Subtract 0.01 from this category’s score.
“I end up sitting around for a while while Twilight chews out some poor colt who dropped his book into the shower or something.”
*"I end up sitting around for a bit while Twilight..." We need to avoid repeating “while.” Subtract 0.01 from this category’s score.
“I do a double-take and see Daring on my right, flying next to me. She gives me an awkward wave.”
Weak way to say it. Shorten the sentence and emphasize the action instead. “I jerked my head left. Daring Do gave me an awkward wave.” Subtract 0.03 from this category’s score.
Initial impression: 6.8/10
Grammar
When the grammar of your story is good enough to read smoothly, I get really lazy. I ended up just relying on Grammarly and Microsoft Word. After I weeded out the instances where both programs complained about nothing because…well…Bill Watterson, if you will?
This, but with computers
...I was left with 52 errors. Some common patterns for mistakes are….
Subject-verb agreement
"The black roads and gray sidewalks reminds"
There are two subjects here. The verb should be plural.
"A ring of trees surround it"
The subject here is “ring.” “Trees” is part of the prepositional phrase “of trees” and thus should not be considered in subject-verb agreement.
Not using hyphenated words when they should be used
"The patch seems to depict some sort of weird looking animal."
"I even spot a yellow and red maned unicorn"
“Weird-looking” and “red-maned” are multi-part adjectives and thus require a hyphen.
While not technically a mistake, I noticed that when prepositional phrases and modifying clauses are placed at the beginning of sentences, they don’t have commas after them. (“While not technically a mistake I noticed that…) You might want to consider adding them, if only to make it easier for readers to navigate through the story.
“except with a lot less books”
*fewer
But overall, grammar is excellent. Not many complaints from me.
Initial impression: 9.5/10
Assessment
Subjective
- Characters: 7.3+ 0 = 7.3/10
- Plot and Concept: 7.85 + 0.05 - 0.03 = 7.87/10
Objective
- Prose and Writing Style: 6.8 - 0.08 - 0.01 - 0.01 - 0.03 = 6.67/10
- Grammar: 9.5/10
- Total: 7.83/10 (Good Read)
While The Legend of Daring Do didn't make me cry because I'm an emotionless robot (beep boop), this story is sure to tug the heartstrings of those who enjoy emotional stories, and the fanfic offers an interesting enough character interpretation of Rainbow Dash and Daring Do to be more than serviceable for those looking for a compact, cozy adventure. However, those who like their fics with a little spice—and those who like their villains more than half-baked—may be a bit disappointed.
Plan
Despite everything I’ve said about the flaws in your fic, I think you’ve done a great job. I do apologize for tearing your fic apart—should really work on my bedside manner more—but if I may, here’s some feedback for when you decide to write a fic similar to this.
- Be careful with how you handle characters who are direct derivatives of other characters (in this case, the supporting characters in Daring Dash's book). They do not always know, do, or agree on the same things or have some kind of psychic mind link. And if they do have such a connection, make sure the reason is spelled out in the story to prevent readers from getting upset.
- I don’t ask for much when it comes to villains, but giving them more than just a passing thought will help you get far. Villains are the primary external obstacles your heroes will most likely face, so give your heroes an obstacle worthy enough for their prowess and, more importantly, worthy of the readers' time.
- Avoid repetition. Information that’s repeated to the viewer only has value if it’s offered through another perspective. Otherwise, you’re just wasting the readers’ time.
- “Flashbacks as exposition” is an issue raised in a review of a previous fic: Justice, Integrity, and Service. Here, the flashbacks are fewer, smaller, and more covert, but they’re still there. Really, it’s better to have one big flashback then have several smaller ones, if you must use a flashback. But usually, it’s better to convey information using other methods.
- Controlling the tempo of your writing, using sentence and paragraph length, and using punchy vocabulary are key ways to add flavor to action scenes (and other scenes in general). A good writer uses every element of English at their disposal.
If this fic taught me anything, it’s that fictional characters are real and that Twilight Velvet probably hates me for putting her through so much crap.
I hope you all enjoyed this review! I wish I could do more of these, but given medical school schedules…well, we shall see. To The Red Parade, I hope you found this useful, and keep on writing!
And for those of you other readers who stuck around, if you have any suggestions on how to make my reviews better, don’t hesitate to ask.
Hey, thanks for the review!
Man, this fic was a trip. LODD was written for a contest, with the deadline being New Year's Day. Of course, being the massive procrastinator that I was, I didn't start writing it until like a week and a half before the deadline. It was pretty exciting because nobody knew if I would even finish it in time, not even myself. I ended up having to write like ten chapters in like five days, and was literally writing on my phone while at a New Year's Eve party trying to slap together the last fight scene and get it all up and done before the deadline. Major props to my beta reader for sticking with me through this mess of a work and helping me finish the damned thing.
I guess I just want to note that this fic is a 'tribute' (meaning I stole the plot) from the play She Kills Monsters. Interestingly enough, a few weeks after I published I found out there was another fic on the site that did the same thing set in the EQG universe, and that one probably executed the concept better than I did. Oh well, props to that author. But, looking over the review now, I understand that I didn't explain a lot of the aspects of the idea, specifically with Daring knowing that she's dead and everyone else knowing it too. I think the guise here was that Rainbow's beliefs are influencing the story, and since she knows that her sister is dead everyone else does too.
As for the villains... there never really was supposed to be a big, central villain in the story. I did tag it as 'adventure,' but the adventure part was really secondary to everything else. Although I guess it wouldn't hurt to add in a central villain. Just don't have any ideas as to who that could be right now.
Yeah, the secondary characters could have their own arcs. Just ran out of time to flush those out (excuses, excuses). Although it is kind of hard since Braeburn doesn't physically appear in the story at all. Something to think about on my end.
I'll chalk up the final battle scene being anticlimactic due to the fact I was literally writing this while crammed into a booth at a Texas Roadhouse trying to finish it. I kind of knew (and even told my beta reader) that this fight scene was gonna suck. And hey, I never fixed it! Good for me! I guess you could say the only thing I shot with Chekhov's gun was myself. Multiple times.
The ship is a callback to like the first Daring Do story I ever read on this site, 'Daring Do(esn't Need a Special Somepony).' Kind of thought that the romance isn't a driving point of the story, so I'll just make it a tribute to that.
I'm glad you liked this fic, and really, thanks for shredding it. This one taught me a lot, mostly that I don't know how to write a fight scene and I don't know how to write Rainbow Dash's character. Considering that this was the first long fic I wrote since the disaster that was JIS, I can respect that I made most of the same errors as I did in that one.
I haven't really touched this story in like three months, so now's probably a good time to crack it open and start fixing it. Maybe even add in that bonus chapter where Redblood OD's on morhpine? After I finish Spectrum, of course. Thanks again for taking the time to do this, gives me a lot to work with.
Deuces!