Life Update: My ADHD, Writing Progess (Or Lack Thereof), and a New Story · 11:55pm Mar 12th, 2020
Hello, everybody. This is a bit out of the blue, but I've been thinking about making this post the last few days, and now, I finally decided to do it.
This is a life update. You're all probably wondering how progress on my stories is going, and well, for the moment, it isn't. Besides the usual problem of finding time, and finding motivation to write (something I find very hard lately), I've had another big problem: My adult ADHD.
I've mentioned having it on multiple occasions, but I'm not sure I've ever told you guys much about it, or its exact problems, for those that don't know. ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) is a neurological dysfunction. The problem is that three of the chemicals the brain uses to send various signals through the central nervous system (neurotransmitters), these three being dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, are all out of balance in some way. Exactly how isn't quite known because of how complicated the brain is, but they know they're out of whack.
It's not just attention loss or being hyper, these chemicals control a lot of different functions, like impulse control, emotions, etc. Normally, I've taken two medicines for them. One was a powerful stimulant medication specifically created to deal with ADHD (a highly controlled medicine), and another was a blood pressure pill. When I was a kid, my doctor said that studies found it worked well with stimulant meds.
All of this wouldn't really be news, except last August, I had a problem. See, thanks to a new law, I can no longer get prescriptions for my stimulant medication through my general doctor. I need to see a psychologist. That would be fine, but I also need to see a neurologist every once in a while to get proof that the medicine is medically necessary, since, again, very strong, very controlled medicine.
I'd actually not seen a neurologist in years, and trying to get an appointment with my old one had me wait like a month, and then they cancel on me the day before the appointment, with no openings for months. But I thought I'd try to go without my medicine. Some people with adult ADHD are able to manage their lives and symptoms to the point that they don't need medicine to help them, and hey, not having to pay for it was a plus, right?
Turns out, I am NOT one of those people. Not yet, and possibly not ever. I was fine for a while, maybe a little tired, but as the last few months have gone by, I think it's gotten worse. I feel drowsy at points throughout the day, guys. Not physically tired, but mentally drowsy, like my brain is just shutting down and I'm literally falling asleep, my thoughts drifting into the nonsensical patterns they often do when I start dreaming.
No, I'm not kidding. I'm not staying up all night, but I'm still dozing off during the day. These happen to me even before noon, when I've only been up a few hours. I just nod off for a little bit, wake up, and I'm fine, and this can repeat throughout the day.
This is the problem. ADHD is like... well, if the brain is a machine, then my brain is one with faulty wiring that constantly misfires. My brain chemistry is out of balance and the chemicals that would normally send signals to keep me awake and alert all day just aren't there, or aren't firing, or whatever. It's rare for me to go a single day without any form of drowsy spells now.
Plus, I also suffer depressed fits. Those of you who know something about clinical depression may recognize the word "serotonin", the chemical whose imbalance is associated with clinical depression. In truth, depression is co-morbid with ADHD, meaning you're more likely to have both. Two of my immediate family members have depression, but as for me, I think my ADHD just simulates depression symptoms, because that's also a thing. ADHD can create depression-like symptoms that, if i remember right, don't tend to last as long as real depression cycles.
That describes me, I suppose. Or maybe it's normal depressed feelings? I don't know. I know I still had them even when medicated, but I wonder if the medication helped in some indirect way.
You know, certain medicine prescribed for ADHD was originally designed to treat clinical depression, which is just another reason why people who take stimulant medicine to help with exams are so immeasurably stupid, because you have NO IDEA what that stuff will do to your brain. Some kids have literally gotten drowsy on certain forms of stimulant meds.
I think... I think it's also affecting my sleep cycle a bit. That can happen, too. Normally, I go to sleep pretty quickly and only have fits of mild insomnia, where it takes a lot longer for me to fall asleep, maybe... once a month or so? Very infrequent, you understand. But over the last few months, I think it's been more frequent. I'm not sure how much sleep I lose, a little or a lot, but it gets the point that I try to physically wear myself out in order to help me go under, because my brain just won't shut down. Maybe it's due to the drowsy spells.
In case you're wondering, I finally decided to make another neurologist appointment. But neurologists are awful doctors to get a hold of, and the two that I booked (in case one failed on me) could only see me as early as June. Yup, June, and I made those appointments in... I want to say January or February at the latest. Then I may have to do some tests, then I see a psychologist to get my medicine back. So when it's all said and done, it might be close to a year since I last took my medicine.
And before you all ask "Why don't you just drink coffee?", the reason is:
A. I'm not a coffee drinker
B. It's addictive. I know that doesn't seem like much, but I will get addicted, for certain. People with ADHD are more vulnerable to addiction, any kind of addiction. I know myself and I know I'll get hooked, possibly hard. I don't want to get addicted to even a benign substance like caffeine as a replacement for my medication.
C. It's not a replacement for proper ADHD medication and all the things affected besides alertness.
So, yeah, things are going very slowly, and that's why. To change things up, I decided to write a new story, a story set right after Swimming Lessons (one could view it as a sequel). That's also going a bit slowly, but I'm hoping you'll all like it. And I'm sorry for how slow I am, even normally. This just makes it all worse. I should have taken care of this a long time ago, but I didn't, and I'm suffering for it.
That's all I wanted to say. Until next time, guys.
Oh jeez, I hope everything works out for you! Also a sequel to Swimming Lessons sounds fun! Lookin' forward to what you write :)
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Thank you. I do, too. I want my medicine back. I want to feel more normal every day. I know it might not seem like much to some people, but the drowsy spells, the lesser concentration, they're all very disruptive. But that's still months off.