A life update · 4:08pm Mar 4th, 2020
The last few blogs have been, in a word, hectic, for me.
A few nights ago, I've seen my grandmother get taken to hospital for the third time, fearing she'd never come home, my anxiety has been kicking my ass, my passion for writing has died out entirely with no hopes of returning, my life is still in shambles on the mental side of things and I've generally felt lost as a person, with no clue what to expect for the future. It terrifies the hell out of me.
On the upside, it's been strangely quiet, in spite of recent events. It's been peaceful, even. Nobody's been at my throat, no additional stress has been thrown onto me, I've been trying to control myself so I don't lash out at anybody, I've recently started work experience following induction, I'll likely be moving back home this year, I'll be able to start work on getting my room set up as a recording studio, etc. For the first time in forever, it's nice to know I've made a good decision to do something about my life before it was too late for me to find work. Without the experience, I'm better off dead.
I'm only not looking forward to the inevitable, even if I know it's unavoidable and is a part of everyday life, and living with your grandparents on a temporary basis scares you. They're both getting older now, and it never gets better. I do what I can, but it's been tearing me apart. I'd like to crumble and break down about it to get my worries out of my system, but I'm both too stubborn and too tired to do it. I've spent my entire life in that house, pretty much. I've spent every day with my grandmother, so she's exactly like my mother, which is how I see her at times. Knowing that she won't be around one day, oh, christ, I don't want to think about it. I don't know how I'm going to deal with that.
Other than that major worry, I'm finally starting to have a sense of peace and I'm inducting self-therapy by going out often, reducing my anxiety and opening up to others again. I'm definitely not trusting of others, and likely won't be for as long as I live, but I do feel like I'm getting better than I was in the past few years. I'll be hopefully making music somewhere down the line, too. The only good thing is that I at least know where I want to see myself, work-wise, once work experience has finished. So, I do have an end goal alongside the main career I want to choose, which my ending goal will help me achieve.
I know I'm not the only person in a terrible, troublesome place where he's struggling to find a steady work placement. I understand there are others out there, but we're all in it for the long haul. Without companionship, we've got nothing. The world is by far not as peaceful as it used to be, and it gets harder and harder each day, nothing like it was ten-something years ago. It's a blue-coloured hellhole.
Regardless, I'll see you all on the other side.
- Sir Ribe šā®
Oh no, Iām so sorry
No matter how bad it gets know you have us my friend