Review Swap: The Virgin Company - Proper Non-Rant Version · 3:12am Mar 4th, 2020
So he complained I had not written it as a review styled like he did. So I figured I would do it again. Using the review style he asked for.
Story: The Virgin Company
I read all the way to Obscurity and Clarity, Chapter 3: The Exodus from Port City.
Grammar out of 10: 5.5-6. There are several parts where the sentences are structured weird. He uses titles or descriptions rather than a character's name to indicate the character when they are the subject not the predicate of a sentence. My Editor Props refers to this as Pink Fluffy Unicorn Syndrome. The reading is perfectly serviceable however and not terrible just nothing amazing and you have to re-read a section about once every 3 paragraphs.
The other big ding here on grammar: Paragraphs are unreasonably and grammatically cut short in places. With some being as little as a sentence for No reason. No shocking conclusion, not change of subject, no change of direct speaker; the paragraph just ends and starts a new one.
Pros:
The story is coherent. It flows. The characters have meaning and purpose to what they are doing. It is an attempt to create in what is my opinion, a blended world between military and Equestria.
That is about where the pros stop.
Cons: (There are Several)
The person in question clearly has not ever served in the military and never consulted someone who had. They appear to not have even watched a show of MASH and attempted to create Major Frank Burns as the main character. That we are suppose to like and empathize with.
The character is more a robot than a character. They do not experience emotions. Internal monologue for them is non-existent. You are not really told or spelled out how they really feel.
The character's backstory would make for a more interesting story but because it's gloss over and the reasons for why the character was able to 1: Kick a dragon in the eyball and 2: Outfly a dragon, a feat accomplished in the MLP show by only 1 other character - Flash Magnus (A literal Pillar of the Elements), 1st Lt. Zip Screamer comes off as a Mary Sue.
This is further hampered by his constantly flip flopping personality. He is extremely hypocritical: He constantly judges and gets upset at his superiors for letting things slide or showing complete lack of military discipline that would get them court martial-ed. These are levels of screw up that would not even be done in the show M.A.S.H. and allowed to slide. For instance, having sex with your secretary in the reception area at her desk in a military high command post.
Then he turns around and flirts with his own Staff Sergeant and for spite purposes plays various jokes on his subordinates in good fun.
I get it what his officers are doing is bad, but at the same time they are so over the top with how bad they are: They become 1 Dimensional bad guys and Zip Screamer just comes off as only slightly better and very hypocritical.
This was the point where the story became a chore to read. He tried to put some sense of what the military is in Equestria into the story. He gives long drawn out explanations and therefore exposition of it. Even has the reader read an actual document with the layout of the command structure of his platoon, company, regiment, brigade, and army.
Yet this is a character supposedly in the Equestrian Air Force in a unit with 3, yes 3, pegasi and operating as Port Authority. Let me say that again: An Air Force unit which they do NOT have plane, operating as Port Authority with only 3 pegasi and they have a combat platoon.
When I got to the point where Zip Screamer was surprised, as though it would not be common in Equestria or have ever happened at all, for his combat squad leader to be a Mare. This is Equestria. Where The Princesses are known to be frontline combatants. Where the Wonderbolts are majority mares, led by a mare, and the most elite combat and air show unit in the Equestrian Military. How is this surprising?
Beyond this I just kept reading to find a gem but could not. I'll stop here.
Summary:
The story needs work. An actual military experienced proofreader or editor. The paragraph spacing is done too much and for no grammatical or dramatic pacing reason. The character's backstory told in less than 2000 words would make a more compelling and interesting story than this. For now, this is on a list of Skip or go read and give the writer pointers to make it better but you would not be reading this for pleasure till later. After a re-write from scratch.
Fiaura
Sidenote:
Yes the original due date for this review was Jan. 24th. No I did not have it done on time due to the Audiobook, the work my patrons expect, and the fact I did NOT want to post this review. When asked questions the Author just got upset at me for not having posting the review already. When I raised concerns I was told and I quote: "Your just peddling bullshit".
I want to point out with the other review swaps I've done They were on time or ahead of schedule and done as a rant to some degree.
The author insisted I use their review style and was dis-satisfied I did not.
Even went out of their way to criticize the way I review things and call me various names.
He sent his fans here to further post negative replies in my blog and be all angry. It's a review for a story I did not end up liking. Am I not allowed to dislike the story I was asked to review?
Am I not allowed to raise my concerns with the story with the author before I post the review? Give them a chance to defend their story and allow a different way to interpret it?
He has shown himself to not only be a terrible person but also unable to take any form of criticism. I told him the review would be honest.
I've re-written it according to his style he asked for.
I'm not going to stop doing these swaps but my advice considering the 22 deleted comments on his story, if you notice I left the bad comments on mine, and his general attitude after receiving the review; I would not want to talk to this person again.
This really does hurt. You jerked me around for weeks and wouldn't even be honest with me. And then you give me two angry rants where you get personal in public. The second sentence in this crappy, little paragraph is as personal as I'll get in public.
Post our exchanges here. As I said, I don't mind. I've nothing to hide.
I like your story. I still do. I gave you a fair and thoughtful review. Not because I liked your story, but because I wanted to give you the time I give anyone's work when I do a review.
You'll probably just delete this, but just know that this really hurts.
5213891
You attacked me, called me names, and as the quote goes said: "I was peddling bullshit."
I was trying to be nice. You choose this, this is what you get when you keep bashing a person.
I could just screenshot our entire conversation and let everyone see it that way but you asked me not to. I'll at least respect that.
5213902
He DID ask you to post your emails together. Read it again. Unlike how you did not read the story past chapter 2.
He worked hard on reviewing your story. And you shit on him.
5213910
The fact he has sent his fans to attack me as well and make claims that are blatantly untrue goes to show a lot about his character.
If you wish to White Knight for him go ahead; but it does not help his case.
I promised him an honest review. I wrote the review. I started asking him questions as it did not sit right with me and re-reading his story.
He got upset how long it was taking.
As soon as I read him name calling and insulting me, I edited what I had and published it in less than 30 minutes.
He doesn't like it. I don't like it. What do you want me to do? Lie to my audience about how I feel about his story?
5213912
I'm sorry you had to deal with this for opening yourself up to a creative exchange.
5213917
Sorry you guys have to read about the situation and deal with it yourselves. Hopefully the rest of my creative exchange will be like the other 3.
A fun exercise in critic and criticism for both parties to improve and not have a drama issue.