Review Swap: The Virgin Company by Pone_Heap

Story Link: The Virgin Company

So after much debate of whether to post this review, and the Author Literally Yelling me for posting it, I've decided to do it.

The Virgin Company follows the adventures of First lieutenant Zip Screamer, referred to from here on as Zip. He is an in the Equestrian Military and has to deal with what can only amount to, the screw ups and dregs of the military after he acquired what is suppose to be the highest honor in the Equestrian Military.

I'm going to stop full there on any further summary. I wanted to give this story a good review because the author in question gave me a glowing one. And I can't. He said I was peddling "Bullshit" when I protested, I'm nothing if not bluntly honest. This story isn't for me. I'm not sure who it is for.

The details in the prologue are so vague and scantly written without any dialogue that it was off putting from the start. His world is setup so strangely to me. Apparently mares being officers and sergeants in Equestria is a surprise. There are other issues that really started to pile on and I began to go: "Why is this such a chore to read and get through?"

I figured it out after some self reflected and then attempting to talk to the author just got me yelled at so I'm going to post my review as is without further reading or re-reading. The perspective of Zip is what it must be like to be Major Frank Burns. I am reading a story of being in the Equestrian Military from that perspective and honestly; I was constantly glad when Major Burns got put into his place when watching M.A.S.H.

Zip is incredibly up tight about military discipline and procedure and some of his descriptions I have to call out as embellishment? No Lt. Col. or otherwise in the military would get away with having sex with his secretary in the reception room of their military command post at the secretary's desk.

Look I have many friends who've been in the service. I myself was removed from AIT when my psych exam was failed outright. Reading this, doesn't make sense to me on so many levels unless this is a person who hasn't served or talked to those who have about what it was like then writes this.

Well this only gets worse, Zip's personality and backstory is so flip flop. He is a hero for taking out a dragon that destroyed his previous command. He appears to have little psychological or personality scars from the events and actions. The way the prologue describes it, he is a robot of a person who was taking a dump when the dragon attacked then sprang into action when he was suddenly the highest ranking pony left on his base. He arrives at his new post and honestly expected a 1st Lt. to get all this respect and have ponies generally keeping the same sharpness you would expect at a frontline active battle-field post. Yet he also plays jokes within the first chapter and further on with those who do NOT recognize him as their new Lt.
Then he has the nerve to be upset with Staff Sergeant Petals over her handling a AWOL, Drunk, trooper who was getting fun from his favorite prostitute.

I'm sorry WHAT!? Make up your mind? Are you a discipline toe to the line running Lt or are you a relaxed laid back person who understands: "yes things aren't always what you would expect the media says they are". Like I've been to a couple of field bases. What the New Media shows and what I see are very different things. The fact is, inside the base anything from gambling with cards to open air BBQ's made off the superheated turbine of a M1 Abrams is fair game. Yet Zip acts like this is a shock to him, while at the same time I'm suppose to believe he has been posted to a field posting and was caught in the pooper during the dragon attack and then suddenly took command?

None of his personality fits together for me unless I am reading about Major Frank Burns. Which when I look at it that way, I understand why I HATE the character. The fact he never gets put into place makes it worse and the fact that those around him that tell him to relax and be more laid back; are not shown to have redeeming qualities. They become more like 1dimension characters that aren't really something of interest. More as a set of gears to turn the crank to move the plot along.

The last quirk here is his personality makes him a hypocrite. He criticizes his commanding officers for being to relaxed with the rules and then does the same thing to his subordinates. It makes him feel like he's trying to be Colonel Potter and instead is playing Major Frank Burns trying to be Colonel Potter; is the only thing I can possibly relate this to. Which makes me take the story even less seriously and HATE the main character.

Not to mention the incredibly glossing over his story to make him a bad ass in combat doubles down on this and gives him Mary Sue syndrome. He took on a dragon just because he could. No reasons why he excelled in training just comments that he did. No reason why the military took an interest in him going to officer candidate school just that he SHOULD according to them. OCS is NOT because you're good at your job; it's because you take initiative and repeatedly prove yourself to have an IQ higher than 120. It's because you take responsibility for your actions. Here we have someone who gets all this and then it doesn't give the actual stories from basic training, AIT, or his OCS that warrant it.

Here we have a character take on a dragon but the story doesn't explain what prepared him for that moment. It just says He managed to do it. The meat of this story isn't the story; it's the prologue that got glossed over so badly that honestly, I would rather read an extended story about the entire events of the prologue than read the actual story itself.

At the end of the day, The Virgin Company feels like a person's first attempt to write a story. I did NOT want to post this review because I did not want to discourage him from writing. But he insisted; yelled at me, told me I was peddling bullshit, and further insulted me and my integrity.

So there is my review. The story is a chore for me to read. There is far too much exposition of how the military works which isn't how it works in the human military at all. It makes even less sense if that is how it works in the Equestrian Military. I mean come on Zip is in the Equestrian Airforce but his platoon has 3 pegasi, What? That would make them Army, not Air Force wouldn't it? Unless they have airplanes which they don't, the entire first series of 6 chapters is spent in a port harbor acting as Port Authority.

The comments are various arguments about pony names. Which is another thing that really just struck me as odd: Zip Screamer, Jacinta Petals, Little Song and a couple of others just bothered me. They are neither play on words, rhymes, alliteration, or puns. I get it, pony names are hard; trust me I know! Wandering Sunrise took 3 days to come up with! He even says this in the comments, fair. Doesn't make the name Zip Screamer less off putting or Jacinta Petals not have a 20 comment argument.

So there, review done. As promised, in spite of the fact I did not want to post this one. I imagine the author will cuss me out over it. I'm not going to spread this around for him, I don't want him to get discouraged too much. I found very little to nothing redeeming about this story. I got through 6 chapters and just was glad for it. I read another 2 chapters to see if there was some gem I hadn't got to. The author started yelling at me for not posting the review yet, fair I am a month overdue. But because I didn't WANT to post this review.

That is all,
Fiaura

On a personal Note:
The interactions with this author have dismayed me from continuing these review swaps. He has been openly hostile at times especially since I'm late and literally name called me instead of listening to my concerns or trying to answer them. I am unsure if I will do a second series or not. I gave the story an upvote anyway, because honestly; I reviewed it and it's the least I can do to encourage him to continue to write or consider doing a re-write.