Endless · 12:05am Feb 14th, 2020
It's been two years since that awful day.Two years since I stood in the street on that cold, rainy February day and heard the news. He'd hung himself, they said. He was dead. It never gets any better.
I started writing SMAF a year ago now. I wanted to find answers, some sort of resolution, anything at all to this horrible wound that event left. I have the whole story outlined, every event after the last chapter completely planned out, but I unfortunately never found anything. I've talked to friends, therapists, and psychologists and told them my story. "I'm sorry to hear that" they say, "Things will get better soon" they say. I don't know if there's any getting past this anymore. You just have to learn to live with it and stave off the guilt until it consumes you entirely, I guess. I don't know anymore.
I wanted there to be something powerful behind the story, something to warn people not to make the horrible mistake I made, something hopeful to take away from it that could be valuable in everyone's lives. I'll have to live with this regret forever, but maybe someone out there can see the consequences and maybe their lives could end up being better for it. Though, I can't in good conscience tell people suicide isn't the answer anymore.
This world is a horrible, bleak, uncaring place. Left alone our lives will trend towards constant misery. We have to fight tooth and nail for any sort of progress or positivity and even then, all it takes is one bad day to lose everything. I don't blame anyone for wanting to leave. If I hadn't passed out I would've been dead right along with them. Everyone says things will get better, but I look back on all of my suicide attempts going back four years now and wish I would've just done it then--it would've saved me so much pain. Even after I started the story last year, it seems everything in my life has continually gotten worse. No one can really understand until they're at the bottom, when they've fully accepted that they're going to be dead soon and that the pain will finally go away. It's a place I hope no one ever has to get to, but since I've been there I wouldn't be upset at anyone for wanting to leave. It hurts, it hurts so much to know someone you care about is gone forever, but there's some solace in knowing that they don't have to hurt anymore. There's no proper way to describe the feeling of being in so much pain that you'd just wish for death. It's a horrible, forsaken place without hope and without light. Finally being able to rest from that is a mercy that I think too many people ignore. If nobody is there to help them in that horrible place, I don't think it's right to be upset with them for looking for release from that prison.
It's some solace to know my friend doesn't have to hurt anymore. I'll never forgive myself for not being there with him in that pit of despair to tell him I would be there for him going forward, that he never had to be alone again, but I can't ever be mad at him for wanting to finally be at peace from his demons. If it ever comes to that with me again, I hope you all can understand and forgive me.
I'm going to finish the story. Some of you might not like where I take it, but I can promise you it's going to be completed. Maybe I won't find the answers I was looking for, but after everything that's gone wrong since last year when I started that story there's one thing I know for sure: the people who care for you and for whom you care for are the greatest treasures you'll ever possess in your life. They're worth fighting for. Don't take them for granted and make sure they always know they have someone that cares, because losing those rare few that you really matter to is the worst pain I've ever had to experience.
The universe doesn't care, but sometimes we can find people that do. Don't let them fade away.
Thanks for reading.
The universe does care Holy. I can tell you that right now that the universe does care a ton.
I still would like to be your friend.
Hugs Holy. And you are not alone. Yeah, some mistakes are forever. But so is mercy, and the peace you can find in it, which is something I learn new every day.
You're in our prayers and thoughts.
Losing you would mean the world would lose one of its best. Anyone would want to be your friend after seeing what you went through and who you've become. You are strong and wise, and I can't help but stand all amazed at your resilience and devotion, even when you're on your knees.
Hey. *hugs*
Listen to us. You are not alone, no one truly is. We're all here for ya, hon. Okay?
We're all here for you and even though we never met, I would love to be your friend and just talk. If you need hugs, me and a ton of others are here and we'll always be here. Hope you have a wonderful evening or morning
Thank you for writing, even if you don't think updates on how you feel are what you want to offer. I hope you reach your goal, and I'll be there for new chapters.
I wish I knew you personally Holy but you are definitely a brave soul.đź‘Ť
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You can always PM me here add me on discord. My handle is Holy#4599
5202706
Unfortunately I don't use Discord.....
I care Holy, if you ever need anything at all, let me know. I will be there.
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Hey Holy, I may not have read much of your work, but you seem like a good person. If its alright, I'd like to be friends with you on Discord.
We will always care for you Holy and we're always willing to be that shoulder to lean on if you need it.
I'm so sorry. I wish I had something more helpful to say.
But people love you. we're here for you.
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Sure, I don't mind.
Hey, not a followe, but I've been learning what's going on. Remember, the sun always rises, and you're not alone.
Agreed.
That was powerful. Accept a cyber-hug from me, because I don't think words alone are enough. I hope it makes you feel better, even if just marginally.
I suggest that you should listen to this song
It might not make you forget about the things that had been haunting you but it might help.
I’m Still Standing - Elton John (from the movie Rocketman)
I will always love you till the end of time
https://youtu.be/Qu6hMKPqdTw
*sigh* It's never easy. I've been through two suicides in my life (my cousin years ago who I added up the clues too late and felt guilty for decades and in the last two years my neighbor who I watched them attempt to resuscitate outside our bedroom window) and I am only here because gunmetal in older guns has a copper taste in it.
It never goes away. Eventually as you work at it things can get better though. The things that keep me here are simple ones. 1 - I'm Pagan so from my point of view if I quit now then I just have to do the same thing over again until I learn what the universe is trying to teach me. 2 - there are people who depend on me and unless I'm a total burden on them there's no way to not hurt them. But everyone has their own reasons for staying.
Suicide takes your pain away but it gives it to those around you. There's no avoiding that and no way to fix it after the fact. Best to just keep trying. It sounds like you're going to do that and I'm glad.
At the very least I hope you've found someone to help you. We often miss seeing it but someone is always there to give us a hand. Sometimes all it takes is a willing ear.
I hope you find the balance that you seek.
I'm sorry to hear that things have not improved for you. I believe that most people have made decisions that they later regret. I have lost a friend to suicide, and I will always wonder if I could have done something to help. (that situation taught me a harsh lesson about the limitations of so called "social media", where people always show their best faces, not what's really going on in their lives) And I had an experience in Iraq that bothers me to this day. I was in charge of the detail guarding the front gate to our compound at the Baghdad airport when a group of Humvees pulled up. The sergeant in charge called out and announced that one of his men had been shot, and asked for the directions to the nearby medical unit. I had been there on a few occasions, so I tried to tell him as best I could. Meanwhile I was wondering if I should suggest that he come to our camp since we had medics and a p.a. . But instead I sent them on their way, hoping to God that I remembered everything correctly. I heard a report later that the wounded soldier died, and I still wonder to this day if I did the right thing. I know that hearing this probably doesn't help much. I guess I just wanted you to know that regrets are a very human thing. đź––
Five months ago, right before the mlp finale, me and my best friend had an argument, and with mutual hatred for one another we broke contact. Those were the longest months of my life. The feeling of betrayal, did I not matter to him at all? Was all those years a lie? And yet I missed him, he was someone I could talk to, someone I could be myself with, someone who would not judge. I even tried reaching out to him, but he made it clear that he did not want anything to do with me. So I pushed through life, trying to accept that this would be my new reality, what are friends good for anyway? Then in the third of February I get a text from him "we can see the finale if you want :)". Many emotions welled through me at that moment, most of them negative "How dare he say that after what he has done!" "Is he making fun of me?". But then I remembered you, I had lost my friend, maybe forever. But he came back, friends like him are rare and precious and I was given a second chance. So I took it.
Turns out, he had missed me too
.
Someone did learn something from you Holy. I do not regret a single cent of what I donated when you were in need. And I would do it again if need be. After all: it was the least I could do for you.
I'm really glad to to hear that you are going to keep going. Never forget that we care about you.
I don't know you, and you don't know me. But if I could, I'd hug you close. I'd try my best to comfort you, even if it didn't do much. I have persistent clinical depression that trends me towards thoughts of suicide when I'm having a really bad day, so I know how that feels.
People say this to me, and even though I don't believe it about myself, I believe it about you: there are people whose lives you have touched. There are people that would miss you if you left. There are people that care and want to be there for you. It takes a little fighting to find them, but when you do, it'll be worth it.
Please don't give up on yourself. We want to see the day that you finally come on and say "I found a reason to smile". Because that day is going to be very bright indeed.
... I can't say much useful things (this sucking part probably will stay around for some time, because), but may be just watching some email communications will make life a bit better for you? I tend to watch few lists, even if I can't contribute to any of those projects most of the time (qemu-devel, ffmpeg-devel, pcem, rpcs3). May be try to install Slackware into VM, and try to make it as comfortable as your main system. At least with computers/open software you can fix SOME bugs yourself, I like this feeling! From software you may progress into electronics, and at least some english forums on this subject seems to be quite friendly .....
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I can relate to this. In 2015 I had some very close friends from high school cut off all contact with me for no reason given. I was a nervous wreck for a while. Not just because I couldn't understand why they had done this to me. But because they didn't even give an explanation as to why they were doing it to me. Unfortunately to this day we still are not speaking to each other. I don't expect we ever will again. But I am better now than I was a few years back.
Ide not say it gets better, but it does get easier. Eventually. What helps is just going day to day. Lots of days suck, that goes for everyone... But, what I do that keeps me going is just trying to find that little bit of happy where I can in each day. Even if its just 5 minutes of reading something funny, atleast I had those 5 minutes, even if the rest of the day is a slog in retail hell, with demonic customers, and no hope of escape.
Hang in there, Holy. Life can really suck, but we don't have to tackle it alone.
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I think this song might really help you Holy. If you want to hear it, here it is. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOS1GaxqAkI
Life does suck sometimes, but we are glad that you are hanging in there because, by looking through the comments, there are many people who care about you
Holy, look. I couldnt even begin to understand the level of despair your feeling right now, but i can imagine its noting but true agony. But before you make that choice, i want you to stop and think for a second about your family, and all the friends you've made in your life. And then i want you to think about the pain your gonna put them all through if you do this. Think about the emptiness you'll leave in their lives that you once occupied. I know you feel that you broke your promise when you told him you'ed always be their for him, but in truth, you never left his side. You told him that if he needed any help that you were always ready and willing to do so, sadly he never took you up on that offer. So what if the universe doesn't care, what matters is that theres still people living in it that do. Thats no way to stop an oncoming storm, but with the aid of friends and family you will make it through. As a wise man once said if your going through hell, keep going. And right now it sounds like you in the deepist circle. But one more thing, i dought this is what your friend would of wanted. I think what he would of wanted most of all would be for your eternal happiness. For you to be live the best life possible. If nothing else, continue living, and stride twords happiness for his sake.
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Emotional support SunFlower