Random, probably bad fic idea: "Celestia Gives Twilight 'The Talk'" · 3:28pm Jan 30th, 2020
Had an idea pop into my head this morning. Could be fun, but could also be rather... problematic...
This could be a funny little story, but, to be honest, I don't like spending time on the sex lives of my characters. Getting into this level of detail could be... difficult for me. Further, I feel like this might end up being 2,000 words of "your ships are bad, and you should feel bad!"
Nevertheless, here's the idea...
Shortly before Twilight's coronation, Celestia drops by. She has one more thing to talk to her about before their official transfer of power--and she would prefer that Twilight not take notes this time around. Specifically, she wants to talk to her about the love life of a Princess.
Celestia tells Twilight that being (functionally) immortal carries with it a great deal of baggage, especially in terms of romance. Rather awkwardly, and with a great many euphemisms, Celestia gives Twilight the following advice:
- As an immortal, it's far too easy to get the reputation as a (ahem) floozy, and even harder to shake it. Be very careful who you choose as a partner.
- Don't pick anyone who you've hired, taught, or otherwise worked closely with. It's awkward, trust me.
- Don't pick one of your own royal guards. It complicates matters, especially when you need to make difficult decisions in a time of danger.
- Avoid marrying, if at all possible. It's heartbreaking to watch your partner age and die--and, to be honest, it limits your political opportunities.
- Avoid having children. Pretenders to the throne likewise complicate things.
Perhaps there's more; this is just what occurs to me at the moment.
Twilight, shocked and bewildered, brings up Cadence: she's married and has a kid. Celestia, somewhat bitterly, says that she had the same talk with her, but Cadence chose to ignore her. (Perhaps: Cadence instead chose to listen to Luna, who advised her to go for it--but Celestia points out that she is the one with a thousand years' experience in the matter)
Twilight listens attentively, then summarizes the discussion with "So, basically, I'm supposed to be a lonely old maid for the next thousand-odd years." Celestia smiles a sad little smile, and nods.
Twilight deflates a little. She would be the first to admit she doesn't have much time for romance the past several years, but that doesn't mean she couldn't make time. It would be nice, after all, to have someone waiting for her at the end of the day, and to hear the pitter-patter of little hooves... and, for Celestia to tell her she would never experience that hurts more than she thinks it should.
And then, Celestia's grin widens.
"That said," she continues, "...and, mind you, this is even further off the record... there are a few small chambers in the Palace that you might find exceptionally interesting. You may want to begin by taking a look at the copy of Love In the Time of Colick in my personal study on the third floor. Just... keep in mind that I wasn't always such a stodgy old mare myself."
And with that, she gets up and saunters off, leaving Twilight bewildered, and perhaps more than a little nauseous.
The next meeting of the Council of Friendship would certainly be interesting. I can only imagine how Twilight's friends would react to this advice. And I definitely see her sharing it with them. Bad things tend to happen when Twi tries to keep Celestia's secrets from them.
I’m not sure how this targets anyone’s ships in particular. I wouldn’t mind seeing this story with the views of Twilight and Celestia if it came with the equally thoughtful side story of Luna and Cadance being encouraging of romance in their discussion with each other.
I really like the detail of the discussion points and the subversion of all the princesses being portrayed as licentious and sexually irresponsible. Seriously, there’s not enough of that and it’s a shame it’s not the standard in ponyfic.
5194637
I was thinking Twilestia, specifically, which has always wierded me out. I was thinking of having Celestia tell her not to date her own students, because it's really awkward--something like dating one of your own kids.
5194647
I don’t mind that pairing depending on how it’s handled. When done right, it can easily be one of pairings instead of a tale of exploitation. Though, I think a better parallel would be the laws regarding relationships between students/teachers irl and patients/doctors, since there’s actual laws for governing those and the parties aren’t related.
Plus, in the case of Starlight Glimmer (and maybe other students of Twi and Tia) they’re distinctly adult characters.
There are no bad ideas, only bad execution. That said, three botched executions gets you off of death row.
I don't see how this could be problematic.
In fact, it seems like it would be a fantastic little short!
Is this suppose to be a punchline? Because I'm not sure why the existence of that book is meant to make Twilight suddenly nauseous, when Celestia had already opened the conversation about picking consorts and one night flings.
What is the point suppose to BE at the end? I wasn't familiar with the title of that book, and at first I thought it was some erotica or trash romance novel... which would have been some pretty shallow advice on Celestia's end. "Upset about never committing to love or having children at the risk of misery? Rub one out."
BUT I actually Googled it, and it's an interesting premise to address. It's a subject I hadn't ever thought about before and how it affects couples. But I feel that it raises more questions, and doesn't work as a punchline. So Celestia is speaking from experience when she says a kid and husband isn't worth the heartache? Celestia actually having a baby in the past is a pretty big bomb to drop, and I don't think revulsion would be Twilight's initial reaction.
5194672
Oh geez... I guess I need to stop throwing out references I haven't followed all the way up on!
The implication I was going for is that Celestia, after just having told Twilight to keep it in her pants, reveals the presence of at least one super-kinky sex dungeon in the Canterlot Palace ("A few small chambers you might find exceptionally interesting"). The first one can be opened using that particular novel: perhaps it's a secret door accessed by pulling the book off the shelf, or maybe the key is hidden inside.
The thought of the teacher she's looked up to her entire life having a hidden freaky side is what makes Twilight nauseous.
ETA: "Love in the Time of Cholera" is a famous romance novel; I've never read it, but I thought it was a bodice-ripper, hence the reference. I just swapped "Colick" (i.e., the horse disease) for "Cholera" to make it a horsepun.
That's what I was going for. No deeper than that. But you do raise some interesting ideas I could perhaps fold into their discussion about intimacy!
5194677
...oh dang I actually read that thinking the book was going to be a spell book and the title grossed out Twilight. Definitely did not read that into the rooms, and seeing that they were mentioned along with a book made me think of, well, libraries. The kind that might be filled with books about relationships or more advice for Twi on dealing with perpetual single hood and possible celibacy.
5194680
Agreed, I also thought Celestia was telling Twilight to read an actual book. Didn't pick up that it was a secret lever to a hidden room.
5194685
5194680
That's my bad. If this gets written, I'll imply that more heavily.
Was going for something like, "you have additional responsibilities, so now you have to behave yourself. At least in public
"
You should write this. If done well and with attractive cover art, it would definitely be a feature box story.
5194718
It’s a Twilight and Celestia story with the Sex tag, of course it would get attention.
5194685
5194699
It was more of the intended nature of the book. Using it as a lever is subtle and easier to miss, but it’s also an element that’s been used in MLP.
The exact nature of what was implying was went over my head and I didn’t think was present.
I really don't like the implication that Celestia is dumping all this on Twilight after she's irreversibly immortal.
It might be interesting to delve into Celestia's own trauma going back to how she fought with and banished Luna. Twilight might have read enough psychology books to try to blame Celestia's views on having other alicorns around on that. I could see Celestia as very hesitant to even create the possibility of another conflict like the one between her and Luna, and that would definitely make Celestia hesitant to have kids.
5194699
It still seems like an insensitive deflection to the question of finding love, and having children Twilight would be destined to outlive (although then you factor in Flurry...). At least, it feels jarring and insensitive in this condensed version.
I'd enjoy it I think.
5194632 "So..." Sergeant Stalwart Fury kept a close and careful pace next to the distraught Princess of Friendship while they walked back to her guest quarters, where she would stay for the evening before heading back to Ponyville on the morning train. "How did it go?"
"She said," huffed Twilight, "that I shouldn't date any of the guards."
"Oh." Stalwart walked silently for a time while they turned two corners and down a long corridor. "That's awkward," he finally admitted. "I told you we should have invited her to the wedding."
"I wanted to keep it quiet," said Twilight, pausing to run a hoof down her barrel. "The newspapers are going to throw such a fit, and Cadence will pop a cork, and Luna--"
"Always wanted another little niece of her own to spoil," finished Stalwart. "You know, you're probably going to want to tell them before you go into labor."
"We've almost got a year," pointed out Twilight. "I still have lots of research to do on the subject, and... I'll get to it. Eventually."
"And your brother?" prompted Stalwart.
"I'll send him a letter."
Stifling a chuckle, Sergeant Fury pushed open the bedroom suite door for Princess Twilight Sparkle and waited for her to slip inside before adding, "Well, if Princess Celestia doesn't think you should fool around with any of the guards, that puts a stop to what we had planned for tonight, doesn't it?"
"Absolutely not, handsome hubby of mine." A purple aura of magic formed around the guard's left ear, and he let himself be led into the bedroom without a struggle. "We're only up to Chapter Seven in the Camel Sutra, and I want to get to the end before I'm too pregnant to use the stepladder."
"Your wish is my command, Your Highness."
5194788
Though I guess all if the negative implications of Twilight's immortality are negated if you just say that she can undo the spell.