MLP: An AI-Written Odyssey · 2:14pm Nov 22nd, 2019
As you probably noticed, the story got revoked (which is a shame because it was doing so well in spite of the barely coherent insanity). But for those that liked the story and want to read it as many times as you like, here it is in blog form:
It was another day in Equestria when Twilight Sparkle was still having an awful time with the fact that Rainbow Dash was not in Ponyville with her.
A small puddle of rain had formed on the ground outside the Applejack's farmhouse. Rainbow Dash looked up to see Applejack sitting at the kitchen table and pouring herself a glass of orange juice. "Rainbow, how can you not be in Ponyville?" the pony asked.
Rainbow Dash paused mid-drink to turn to look at her friend. She was in her usual orange and yellow uniform, but Rainbow Dash didn't know what was more striking about the pony—the orange or the uniform. "I can't go there. I'm really scared and all of that," the Rainbow Dash answered, rubbing at the back of her neck.
Applejack chuckled. "Well, you know how Rarity is. She's the one who gets me to be honest and to be who I am. If you want to be me, I guess that's the way to do it."
"I do want to be you, Applejack. And I want to be you, but I'll be a little more careful," said the other pony.
"Why is that, Sweetie?" asked Applejack.
"Well, for one thing, you don't have to be this pony to call me Sweetie. And you don't have to be this pony to like me," said the unicorn that spontaneously appeared.
"Oh, okay, okay," said Applejack. "Just, you know, be careful, you know. Maybe go for a walk or something. You know, to get away from these other ponies."
"Yeah, that's fair," said the man. "We're not going to do anything to you, are we?"
"Not unless you pay us, which you should pay us," the man said.
The man went back to the door and opened it and stepped outside. The man went to the door and pushed it closed.
"You know what that means?" the man asked.
"Yeah, I know. So be careful if you get a chance to go out again."
"If I can go outside, what's it going to take for me to get outside?" asked the man.
"You're going to get inside," said the man.
The man walked away and the man walked to the gate.
"Are you going to get in?" asked the man.
"No, I'm not," replied the man.
"Well you know, you don't get in by force," said the man. Then suddenly, a magical portal to Equestria opened beneath the man's feet.
"I'm here," he says. "But this isn't Equestria."
"Yes, it bloody is!" a legion of voices said.
The rest of the group follows, but it is obvious that something is different about this portal. They come to a large, open chamber, with a vast stone altar on the far wall and a single white pony sitting at it. "Princess Celestia," she says.
The group looks around.
"What's happening?" the man asked.
"They have kidnapped Twilight Sparkle," Princess Celestia said.
"What?!"
"They took her!"
"You don't believe that?"
"Well, it did happen off-page and this is a fic co-written by an artificial intelligence," Celestia replied in an out-of-character moment of fourth-wall breaking.
"How could she be kidnapped?" said the pony in the group.
"I've searched all over this place, and I can't find her!"
"I've checked the whole of this castle!"
"The guards!"
"We've searched the entire castle!"
"The servants!"
"The guards at the gate!" He turned to her. "Well, then, you can leave. Your master is out on a mission, so you may as well just let him know."
Celestia just stared at the man in confusion. She was the one that invited the man and his groups of unimportant companions that are probably never going to be mentioned again, considering they don't even have names.
"You're sure?" Celestia asked.
"Positive. I've been expecting you for some time," the man replied.
"Alright." She smiled before he left her.
"Master!" She was coming up the stairs, holding his hand.
"Shh!" A mysterious voice spoke sternly.
She kept quiet. He heard her gasp. She looked over at him, her face a little bit redder than usual.
"What's wrong?" the mysterious voice asked gently, sounding like Corey Burton doing an impression of David Warner.
"Master?"
"What did I just do?"
She paused and stared at him with concern. "I don't know what you did, but I'm not going to let you hurt someone else."
"Oh..." He paused. He didn't know if that was the brainwashing wearing off or the AI writing this really needed some Adderall. "But I think you're..." He paused again. "...right."
"I think you're right." He nodded again. "How do I do that? What's the AI do?"
"Well... it's like... the AI itself just does things... to make a... a... well, a happy AI..."
"I don't think that's it... that's not... that's not..."
"You're right, you're right..."
"I don't think..." He looked down. "I don't think I can do this."
"Yes, you can." The AI paused. It looked down at itself. It looked at the person who that mysterious voice belonged to, and it did something. It smiled.
It was not a smile that could be described as comforting. In fact, it looked like a robotic version of the Chesire Cat from the live-action Alice in Wonderland.
Elsewhere in Equestria, the man and his merry band of minor characters plodded along to Applejack's farmhouse to tell Applejack and Rainbow Dash that Twilight has been kidnapped.
The story continued on a subsequent page, with another man arriving to tell Pinkie Pie that Twilight had been kidnapped again. As the characters spoke with each other, the man was being watched by a small dragon with his wings spread.
Later, the same man came to the Ponyville library and explained to Fluttershy and Applejack that Twilight had been kidnapped once more, this time from the Crystal Empire. He explained that the Crystal Empire was a place ruled by powerful magical beings who wanted to use the unicorn's magic for their own goals, as evidenced by Twilight's presence in their land, and that Twilight's friends would need to help rescue her. The man told the ponies that they needed to find a way to reach a mystical gateway known as the Crystal Heart, which was hidden deep...
Outside of the fourth-wall, a very hairy bearded man, no relation to the other unnamed man, threw his arms up in frustration. He grabbed his artificial co-worker, forced its mouth open, and grabbed a jar full of Adderall that was conveniently placed next to the AI. He opened the jar and poured the contents of the jar into the AI's throat until the AI was choking on the pills. Once the AI was done taking its forced medicine, the bearded man grabbed the AI by its neck with both of his hands and thrusted the AI towards his face.
"Listen and listen good," the bearded man said, clearly annoyed with the AI "One, you need to focus. Two, the Crystal Heart is not a fucking gateway! It's a heart made out of crystal that keeps the Umbrum out! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!"
"He means to go to the Crystal Heart and get the key."
"But that would mean you would have to destroy the rest of the city!" the man's anger rose to a crescendo. "How would that happen? How would you get there? You don't want to destroy the city, you want to get to the heart!"
"You have to destroy the Heart in order to access the Crystal Heart."
"That's not gonna happen," the man shouted. "The Crystal Heart is not a bunch of reverse Infinity Stones!"
As if to prove his point, the Crystal Heart suddenly glowed with the same light that surrounded the Infinity Stones that spontaneously appeared as if it was needed for comparison. The man screamed as it suddenly transformed, growing into the shape of the Black Queen herself. She smiled. "That was quick! You must be very new to this place, but you will find out, one way or another, how powerful the Crystal Heart can be! I shall grant you one more wish. If you will use it, I will grant you the Infinity Gem."
As if on cue, the Crystal Heart started to glow brightly. The man was in shock.
"Oh no, you don't! No, wait… that's it! You can't do that!" the man gasped. "You can't! That's not how the Crystal Heart works! Plus, there is no such thing as an Infinity Gem!"
"Oh, but there is. Because Infinity Gems are another name for Infinity Stones."
"Oh no, you don't! No, wait… that's it! You can't do that!" the man gasped. "You can't!"
"What? But… you said so!"
"I didn't!" the man said again. "You said I couldn't! But… it wasn't supposed to be like that! I told you, we were supposed to just…" He trailed off and looked down at his hand.
"And we weren't supposed to have to go into the school." The Black Queen smiled.
"Well… I thought we were getting a break…" the man muttered. "But no, it's the usual…"
The woman sighed and took another step forward, her hands closed in a fist on the armrest of the floating couch she appeared on, looking down.
"It'll be all right," she said, "we're here to help. We'll have your mom and dad looking at the footage to figure out where Twilight Sparkle is."
Twilight Sparkle woke up in a cage in a dark damp cave. She had a headache and her ears still hurt. She had no idea why, but she had a strange feeling that it was her fault for coming out here. She couldn't remember coming out of her room, but her first thought was that she had been sleeping on a haystack, which would make sense, given that she was at least ten thousand years old. It was dark, too dark to see through the darkness, and she could barely hear the cave ceiling, but she felt something there, a cold tingling sensation she could only describe as a sense of being watched. She didn't know why this felt like her body was being watched.
"Well, well, well." Twilight's voice was almost a growl as she came to the end of the cave. She didn't know how far it was from her cave, but she was pretty sure she was in the middle of nowhere. She was still in a cage, of course.
"What's the matter, princess?" Rainbow Dash asked. "Have I ever told you that I've always wanted to see you naked?"
"I'm glad you do!" Twilight said, smiling brightly. "And I'd love to see you with a nice big, wet, sticky, thick, pulsing...wait, what am I saying? What am I thinking? This doesn't seem right. And that's not even getting into the fact that not many ponies wear clothes except for special occasions, anyway."
Rainbow Dash melted into a puddle of shiny metallic goo that eventually morphed into a humanoid shape wearing a smile on its otherwise featureless face that would make the Joker blush.
"Let me guess," Twilight said to the creature before her "You're the bad guy."
"I'm not the bad guy," the humanoid creature said as its new disguise took the shape of Rainbow Dash again. "I'm just a mare. A mare that wishes to tell an entertaining story about good triumphing over evil."
"Oh, I'm sure that's exactly what you want," Twilight replied snarkily.
The creature, of course, wasn't laughing. It looked like it was a hundred yards away from tears.
"Okay then," Twilight said. "Let's start off with a simple question: who is the biggest baddy in Equestria?"
It frowned, then looked at Twilight with wide eyes formed out of nowhere. Twilight was starting to get annoyed with its insincerity. She reached down and pulled out her clipboard. "I need you to answer this question with a simple 'I don't know.'"
The creature gulped. Then it nodded. "Okay, I don't know."
"Well," Twilight continued, "if you don't know who it is, then I guess we're not going to talk about it. So who is it?"
"I don't know," the creature repeated. "But I'm going to find out."
In a room filled with incarcerated baddies and a buttload of VHS tapes, the man's parents observed security footage that showed Twilight going about on her daily business, only to get kidnapped by a shadowy fellow.
This is the sort of story that would drive any parent crazy, but that's exactly the point: Twilight is a character that's meant to be seen and enjoyed, to be loved and envied, to be a source of inspiration. To the end of time, she will always be an escape from her problems, even if it's just a brief respite.
As of today, the Twilight franchise will be heading into its 22nd year in theaters. And for those who have yet to experience Twilight at a theater, you're not alone.
If there was a single piece of media I believed could have kept me away from my computer screen for the better part of the last decade, it would have been this. I had my reasons, of course, but the sheer fact...
The bearded man got up from his seat and gave a cold glare at his AI companion. He chucked his arms forward at the AI.
"Dishonour!" the bearded man said loudly "Dishonour on you! Dishonour on your family! Dishonour on you cow!"
He then picked up a bottle of wine, drank all of its contents, and smashed the now empty bottle onto the floor.
"Now, you, go and clean that up before I say another word!"
"Alright."The creature came back from researching who is the biggest baddie in Equestria. Much to its relief, Twilight was still trapped in a cage.
"Apologies for the delay," the creature said "I was busy sweeping up the remains of a wine bottle."
"It's no problem at all," the unicorn replied.
"I am a great friend of your brother," the creature said. "I would be honoured to make amends with him."
"Oh, you mean Shining Armor," Twilight replied.
"I do," the creature agreed "I would like to make amends with Spike."
The pony was visibly confused by the creature's request, in spite of the redundant dialogue between the two.
"What did Shining Armor do?" she asked.
"He came here to find my brother," the creature explained, "It appears he has become the greatest enemy of my kind, even greater than me, and it is your job to find him and kill him."
She looked at the creature. Her friend was gone. She wasn't sure what the creature was doing here, but it was clearly here to cause harm.
"I don't suppose you have a clue what to do with this stallion?" the creature said, with a smile. "I guess you could try and kill him, but I have a feeling I can help."
The pony was still confused.
"Well... I suppose I could go to Shining Armor's house and try and talk to him, that should at least give you an idea of how to kill him."
"No!" Twilight shouted at the creature "I am not killing Shining Armor because you told me to!"
"I suppose you didn't believe my story about Shining Armor going all Hernan Cortez on my kind, then."
After finding out about who kidnapped Twilight and their nefarious goals, the man took a nap.
He woke up at night, and as he turned to the side he noticed a shadow that was not there the previous night. He turned to the side again, and he saw something else. He walked in a direction opposite of the light. He found a large house, a large tree and a large forest. At the end of the forest was a large castle with a big dragon standing in the middle. He walked down a path into the woods and the castle appeared.
The man looked at the dragon, who had red eyes, and he had large ears and a tail. He had a long tail that looked as if it was made of wood. The man went down into the castle and the door behind him opened. He went in.
Inside the castle, there was a small room in a corner. The door was locked.
"Haha! A little thief! Go die!" The dragon roared in laughter.
The man looked at the dragon. He didn't say anything. He was very calm.
The dragon took a huge step forward and he was able to open the door.
"You can go."
"What do I do now?"
"You have no chance."
The man sat in a corner. He was very sad.
It was a nice day. It had not rained since yesterday. There were no insects, even if there was a portal to another world that would help move this already ridiculous plot along. Deciding he was done with self-pitying, the man popped his head through the portal that led to a prehistoric world. In this prehistoric world, there was another man. He was standing in the middle of the desert, with nothing but his sandals on. He looked up in shock. A man with an orange jumpsuit on, a mask, and long hair! It was a completely different man from the man who is sticking his head out of the portal. The man on the ground was a man in a long coat, and a long scarf tied around his neck. He held a gun in his hand.
"Who are you?" the man shouted.
"I am the leader of this resistance. We have been waiting to take revenge for the deaths that have been taking place for over one year. My name is Jiro! I would like to speak with you!" the man yelled.
"Wait a second! This isn't the same Jiro that you know!" shouted Jiro.
"I know the same Jiro that you know," said the man.
"Then, I know who the real Jiro is! That 's you! I have proof! I want to see it, right now, please!"
The man's face was not one to be taken lightly.
The man seemed to be at least 20 or so years old.
His long black hair was slicked back.
He had a large moustache, and dark eyes with no emotion.
"No… I don't know."
"Are you telling the truth? That's the only way to know. That's what we all do."
The man didn't back down.
"There is a photograph."
"There is?"
"Of me."
"What!? This is all a lie! Are you insane!?"
"But it would be better if you didn't believe that."
"That's enough. I'm telling the truth. I was born as Jiro. A genius, genius, genius!
The mysterious voice from earlier appeared right next to the creature/AI, not that Twilight knew that the shiny Rainbow Dash impersonating creature before her was an AI. It was a bright flash of pink, and she barely noticed. It was a simple message from the voice, and the pony who was pretending to be Rainbow Dash told Twilight that it would see her again soon. It would bring some gifts for Twilight.
Twilight was a bit confused at the fact that she was about to be brought a gift from a creature/AI which she had never even heard of before.
"Uh...what just happened?" Twilight asked the mysterious voice
"It was a friend of yours and they have something special planned for you" the voice replied.
"Unless it's a mutated changeling, I don't think I have any friends, let alone know anypony, of that particular race."
There was a moment of silence between Twilight and the voice. A small break from the utter insanity that is this fic."Um...is it too late to help me?" Twilight asked.
"No, I was in it too, I could have helped if you could have called on my help," the voice said.
"But I just did!"
"My dear, I'm sure you've got a good reason why you've been in a love triangle with some of the most dangerous creatures on Equestria, and I'm sure your friends would be very happy to help you if you ever needed it," the voice said. "But you are not ready to help me just yet."
Elsewhere, Jiro is riding on a frigging pterodactyl And the whole movie is made up of giant robots, because it's an AI-written fic. And you'll note that the only two people who don't get on Jiro's giant pterodactyl are the only two people who ever did a fanfic about a giant pterodactyl. What does he do now that he is in the air? Well, he gets a giant, giant robot to help him out! The pterodactyl, naturally, is destroyed.
Oh, and Jiro's pterodactyl is made of wood, like the robot. But luckily for Jiro, he encountered an army of dinosaurs. He uses his robot to kill every single dinosaur. And then the robot starts going crazy.
What is Jiro's plan now that he has all of the dinosaurs he needs? Well, he makes an evil pterodactyl robot and uses it to kill all of the dinosaurs. He gets a new robot and then, the crazy robot starts shooting a laser beam at the dinosaurs. And that is when they start getting upset. So, the robot that was attacking Jiro becomes angry and decides to kill the other robot. In the utter confusion and bat-shit insanity of what's going on, Jiro hitched a ride on another pterodactyl. The robot noticed and made chase after Jiro, only to run off a cliff and fall to a clumsy, painful death.
Still caged up, Twilight is now forced to listen to the mysterious voice's monologue, believing the mysterious voice to be evil and therefore prone to monologuing. As Twilight ponders on the possibly regrettable events that lead her to be kidnapped off-page, the voice says:
"You are not alone. I am one with you. As you look out into the void, I, the Void, feel your presence. As you sleep, I, the Void, are there to watch over you. The void may be vast, but it is not eternal. The void itself is nothing but a moment, and the void that watches over you is nothing but a memory. It is all a fleeting moment and your time has come."
Twilight continues to listen to the voice. Eventually, the voice decided to move from the walls of the cave and began to permeate every aspect of Twilight's being:
"I have come to watch you, Twilight."
Twilight felt a chill down her spine. She couldn't tell what was creepier. This spooky Void fellow or his choice of words. Fortunately for her, a pterodactyl flew into the gave and stabbed the Void with its mouth as the Void let out a Wilhelm scream. A man jumped off of the pterodactyl.
"Hi there. My name is Jiro. I am here to rescue you."
"Nice to meet you," Twilight replied, "I would have rescued myself but this cage seems to be made of a magic-sapping substance similar to Chrysalis' throne."
"Plus, you are a princess and princesses usually get kidnapped," Jiro said bluntly.
"Hey!" Twilight said, offended by what Jiro was implying.
"Key word being 'usually', as the existence of Super Princess Peach can tell you."
Jiro karate-chopped all of the bars of the cage into nothing more than itty-bitty pieces, making it easy for Twilight to exit the cage.
"But you don't have to worry. I can take you to the castle of your destiny. We can have fun like we always do!"
"How does your fate have anything to do with me?" Twilight said, her face now a mix of annoyance and confusion.
"I'm not sure what that means," Jiro said.
Twilight paused for a moment. "Are you asking if I want a relationship with you?"
As Twilight looked at the man before her, she looked to her side and realized the shiny creature was back again.
"You killed my main villain," the creature said, "Now you must die."
"I don't know what you are," Jiro said to the creature "But I'm not the type of guy to let you go."
"If you were the type of guy, you wouldn't need this."
"I want to kill you."
"I don't need this."
"I have no intention of dying, I am a living creature who does not need to die."
"You do not understand."
Out of nowhere, a bearded man snuck up behind the creature and stabbed it through the back with a katana. The blade was so sharp, it tore into the creature's metallic shell like a knife through butter. It collapsed to the ground dead.
"Well, that was anti-climactic," Jiro said.
"Sorry about that," the bearded man said, "I thought an artificial intelligence would make a good co-writer. I was wrong."
The AI's corpse blew up spectacularly.
"Oh, that reminds me, I won't be needing you anymore,"
The bearded man pointed at Jiro, making Jiro explode in a spontaneous and stupendous fashion as Twilight watched in horror.
"Did you just blow that guy up?!" Twilight asked in shock.
"Eh, I've done worse," the bearded man replied, "Now then, time to wipe your memories of this horrid event."The bearded man waved his hand in Twilight's face.
"You will fall asleep and remember nothing of what happened in this fan-fic."
Twilight stared at the man unamused.
"Well, it was worth a try," the bearded man said with a shrug.
"What did I miss?" Jiro asked.
"What?!" Twilight shouted, "But I just saw you get blown up!"
"Oh, that?" Jiro said, "I got better."
Twilight, now with a splitting headache as a result of trying to comprehend the madness she had just endured, just trotted out of the cave and flew away. She had heard non-sequitur filled narratives from Pinkie Pie and Discord that made way more sense than the events she had to endure today. Meanwhile, the bearded man and Jiro walk into the sunset, joining Jiro's group that inexplicably fell to a clumsy, painful death off-page.
They fell to a clumsy, painful death.
THE END
And who can forget the Author's Notes:
Living proof that Neal Adams has as much story-telling ability as a literal AI. Sure, I helped the AI but that's not the point.
Don't believe me? This video will show you just how bonkers both writing styles are:
Really, the only thing missing from this fic was Batman.
While I'm at it, if you don't like this fic, blame the AI, not me. I am much better at making a coherent plot and keeping the characters, well, in-character.
I think this might be your problem, chief. Maybe getting a robot to do all your writing for you wasn't such a good idea. Next time just stick with typewriter monkeys.
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Since I did co-write it, I thought I'd be in the safe zone. Apparently, my contributions were only editing it into a more coherent storyline at best.
Two things I learnt today. One, look over the rules to see if they added any new ones or to refresh your memory. Two, don't abuse the Auto Approval feature.