I'm Still Here · 8:12pm Oct 5th, 2019
So I guess saying that would be my last blog post was a lie. I hope you'll believe me when I say I really didn't expect to be here to deal with any of this. I never wanted to be the kind of person that people suspected did this kind of thing for attention or for some ulterior motive, but I also didn't want to leave forever without a proper goodbye. I know a lot of you will have lost respect for me over this and I don't blame you, but since I'm still here I might as well do my best to try to make amends. I've gotten a lot of messages since it has happened. I'm sorry in advance if you've sent me something and I haven't answered you; I don't think I'll ever be able to respond to everything but I'm going to try my best to get through everything. If nothing else reach out to me on discord if you do have something important for me.
When I posted that note, I was at the lowest point in my life. At the beginning of this year, I was all but certain my life was going to end in suicide, whether it be at my 25th birthday, or even sooner. I'd been working on that note for months, doing my best to make sure the final message I'd left would be enough so people would understand why I didn't want to be here, and maybe serve as some sort of cautionary tale for people slipping into my position. I was always way too sentimental for my own good and had a bad habit of saying way too much when it didn't really matter and not enough when it did, but I guessed by that point it didn't really matter since I'd be dead soon after I posted it.
I never actually expected anyone to really care. I thought that the note would be largely ignored and would only really serve to tell people what happened when they stumbled across my long-dead profile. I truly felt completely alone and unwanted at that point after hardly talking to anyone in the last two or three weeks, so why should it have been much different once I was about to die? I guess reality doesn't always line up with our expectations for better or worse.
About a week before this all happened I made my decision. The 24th would be the day I would die and I made my final edits to the note, and made as many arrangements as I could. I couldn't stand to keep waking up and realizing how awful the world was and having the constant pain of everything that had happened flooding back in once I wasn't dreaming anymore. I just wanted it all to finally stop and setting that date and making that final decision were the only things that really gave me some relief from life.
Obviously, that's not how it happened. I was found passed out with the loaded gun next to me and taken away in an ambulance. Before that night I hadn't had a drop of alcohol since the summer of 2017, so it was a pretty miserable night in the hospital and the last thing I really remember is waking up there with a horrible headache and upset stomach. Whether an intoxicated me couldn't pull the trigger or if I just passed out, I'll never know. I suppose it doesn't really matter now. If you can't tell, I'm alive and unhurt. I never thought I'd have to deal with any of this, but since I'm here I might as well try to talk it through, right?
I just want to apologize to everyone I hurt or scared by doing this. I hope you'll believe me when I say I was at a point where I really didn't think anyone would care or miss me at all. I'd gotten to such a low that I figured by leaving then I'd be hurting as few people as possible, and with depression that's usually your one hangup. I wanted to cause as little hurt in the world as possible, both in life and in death. That hasn't always been my mindset and I'm sorry to all the people I've hurt in the past as well. I can assure you all that I'm in a safer environment now doing my best to make some sort of effort towards recovery, since I failed at the more drastic option.
I know despite the many kind and supportive words I've received on the note and elsewhere that a lot of you are going to resent me or no longer respect me for what happened. I don't blame you guys for thinking that way. A lot of people on fimfic have caused unnecessary drama in the past for attention or monetary gain and I've never cared much for it either. I hope I can move past this and slowly recover from this scar on my reputation, and I hope you all will accept my apology for causing such an unnecessary stir. I really didn't think anyone would care that much, otherwise I may not have posted a note at all.
Anyway, thank you all for the kind words and encouragement since all of this has happened. I'm going to do my best to try to recover, though obviously when you get low enough to want to take your life, it isn't something that can be fixed overnight. I still deal with a lot of the emotional pain and misery that I detailed in my note, but at least now everyone knows and those that are willing to help have made some effort to. I also want to thank Lucky Seven and Milk for organizing a fundraiser to help me pay for the financial burden I put on my family over this. Thank you to everyone who donated as well. I really did not deserve that kind of support but I am eternally grateful that you all decided to help me like that. I'd also like to thank Estee for doing her best to organize an effort to find me before I died, as well as everyone else that tried to spread the word in an effort to prevent my suicide. I know many of you may assume that I'd be upset, and for a while in the hospital I was, but I know you all had good intentions in your hearts and I'm thankful for that.
Finally, for everyone that messaged me or would like to talk to me, I'm sorry if I don't get back to you again. I'm much more available on discord if you'd like to talk. My server is here: https://discord.gg/vSRcxan
If you'd like to talk to me directly instead, my handle is: Holy#4599
I'm typically horrible about answering people, but if there's something else on your mind, I'll try to answer your comments here if I can. Otherwise, thank you all again for your support. I'll do my best to try to get better from here.
Here's my favorite song since it seems appropriate to end on:
Awww! Holy, you're amazing. Holy cow. I can't believe how strong you must have been.
Holy, Just remember Friendship Is Magic and here you are never at a loss for friends!
An entire community came together to help you. And you have no need to apologize. Many of us have been there as well, myself included.
5132707
The very strongest of us.
I'm happy you're alive, and wish you the best of luck in recovery. ^^
Me and HUMMER are here for you if you want to talk about anything.
TBH, I'm just glad to read this post and that you're on the road to feeling better. Glad to have you here, Holy.
I don't resent you and I haven't lost any respect for you. Nothing relieved me more then seeing the message the next day that you were found and were still alive. I'm just happy that you are still here and are posting again.
Promise me though, promise me that you'll remember that there is an entire community here that pulled together for you and that you are not alone.
It wasn’t your fault, my dude. We’re just glad you’re alright.
Glad there was a resolution to this, even if it isn’t an easy one.
I'm glad to here that. We're with you.
Holy, I don't think anyone thinks less of you for having depression. We're all just glad you're still with us, and hope things get better for you.
There are two things in life that helps us in unexpected ways
One. Willpower, sometimes when the odds are stacked against you and there’s no hope of victory you suddenly found an urge to continue or perhaps you force yourself just to tell the world were you stand and that. Something like will power is probably a person greatest asset because as you weather a bad situation you come out stronger because of it and lean something from it as well.
Two. Family, there are of course families that aren’t as caring as yours but that’s why they are important because no matter how low you see yourself in life they see their baby who’s in need of their help and will do anything to see you happy weather supporting you mentally or physically you can be sure to count on them to help you see through the storm and come out a new person.
What I’m trying to say is, don’t blame yourself and don’t think you hurt anybody because it’s best to just move on and look to a brighter future together.
And if you want to vent we’ll listen right guys?
5132710
100% Yes.
We love ya so much, Holy & we're beyond happy to see you back
I'm just glad you're doing alright.
5132729
And I for one don’t resent you because you’re note is in truth true because life can be hard and be hell for some but the important thing is your here alive and ready to move forward pass that night and become a new person.
It will take time sure but slowly is better then rushing and tripping over I’d say.
I am glad that we helped you Holy.
The last thing on your mind should be your concern over your reputation. Yes, some may think worse of you for trying to do this, or believe it was a stunt to get attention and money. Those people are the ones you should ignore. The rest of us are just happy you're safe and you're on the road to recovery, long and difficult though it may be. Do what you must to feel better about yourself and your life. When you're ready, there will be people here waiting for you.
Holy, no decent human being will recent you or lost respect for what happen. You were engulf in an unimaginable amount of misery and despair no one should have live through.
Get well and remember, there will always be a hand to help you out of the abyss.
As someone who has spent time in the hospital for threatening suicide, I just wanna say I understand how you feel. It's hard, feeling like you lost face.
But just stop thinking like that. You aren't less in any way. What you gotta focus on is recovery.
We were all happy to help, and you can't beat yourself up for that. I am happy you are alive.
5132743
I second that!
5132741
Yeah ignore them idiots they won’t understand what you been through and how serious we took that note.
I'm just glad your okay.
You'll get through this, keep on living. You are no longer alone. You have people who care for you including me. It's going to be alright.
We all knew you were speaking from your heart. That's why we - even people like me who had never heard of you before - were afraid. Because that kind of despair is a terrible thing even to read - I can't imagine what it must be like to feel it. And it seemed so likely that it was too late - and now hearing how close it was, it seems almost like a miracle.
5132707
5132714
>MFW
i.imgur.com/WUG7lWi.jpg
Much love, Holy.
We're all glad that you're still with us. Life may not be easy, but don't ever think that you have to do it alone!
- Shakespearicles, the world's (second) strongest writer™
Glad to hear from ya, Holy.
I'm just happy you're still here. I'm just happy I could do what little I could to help Estee, Milk, and Seven
Great to see ya again Holy. *picks up and snuggles*
As long as you are alive and getting better, that is all that matters to me. Your well being is truly what matters to us the most. We're here for you and always will be.
Glad to hear back from you ^^
I'm happy that you're feeling better 👍
Glad to see you're doing better.
hugs tight
You ain't alone, kid, you ain't alone. Others are in your spot, they just ain't got your determination.
Glad to here you is still sticking around. PM me if ya feel like it. Some words ain't for public consumption, just between da two of us.
When you hit rock bottom, the only real place to go from there is up. The climb will be difficult but not impossible.
Stay strong and carry on, my friend.
We all need help at some point.
~Skeeter The Lurker
I'm just really happy you're okay. Honestly, I've been there countless times and I still have the scars to prove it. We all bounce back at some point.
I haven't updated my fics in about two years. Frankly I haven't done anything creative for a long time now.
Why? Because I have spent a long time being challenged by the universe and deciding "Why bother? I'll figure out the right time to go so no sense starting anything long.".
My life sucks. And I think about "The Plan" a lot.
But every day that I think about it is countered by a day that something good happens. Never super good it seems but just enough to keep me around. I guess that puts me closer to the edge than I should be, but at least I'm still on this side of it.
I personally see what happened to you like this - in the end something in you decided being here was better than being elsewhere. If that weren't the case then nothing would have stopped you. People "move on" every day. It's sad in most cases but true. And if you'd wanted to go you'd be gone.
In the end I think it's a good thing you decided to stay. As is usually the case, per your own words here, it showed you how many people give a damn. And that's always a good thing to know and remember.
I don't know you personally but I'm glad you decided to stick around. The world is a tough place (especially right now) but by sticking around in it we support each other and make it better. And that's a good thing no matter how you look at it.
I’m really glad your ok and alive we all are going to be there for you.
I truly wish I could say that wouldn't happen. But I think that, in most cases, it comes largely from ignorance - a lot of people haven't been to such a place and either can't or don't want to truly imagine it. And, while I do admire your understanding of such a viewpoint and wish to make amends, rest assured that there are just as many of us - I suspect even more, in fact, with whom you have lost no respect at all, who do not resent you in the slightest and for whom the best way to make amends is to be safe and recover. Whether because they've been in similar places, because they can imagine being in them or simply because they know that being driven to such a thing makes one the victim of the situation, not one to be blamed. For me, it's a little of all three.
I hope that came out okay - I'm not always the best at articulating what I mean (something of a problem for a writer, but nevertheless). Just know that we're happy that you're safe and on the path to recovery. And since you were so good as to share your favorite song, I hope I'm not being improprietous by sharing one of mine. A song whose general sentiment has helped me a lot and I like to think applies here.
Know that you're not alone!
Dude, you didn't fail. Choosing, even at some basic level, to live was not a failure!
Thank you for the update and may you continue onwards and upwards!
I've been dealing with some dark moments here in the past few weeks, but one thing that was said to me is that we get shit thrown at us on a daily basis; it's up to us to not let it stick and fester.
Yay holy back
I'm glad you're alright but I have a quick question. How did you write, like, 48 stories? That's an amazing amount, ngl.
Thank goodness you're okay!
Okay, I didn't see the original post cos I was severely ill (pathetic in comparasion, I know), but this ^? This right there? That's just not true. Yes, there will be some people who are like "well, if you thought no one would care, then you're really dumb, maybe you don't deserve it" but the overwhelming majority, as witnessed here, don't think any less of you. Absolutely everyone has moments like this, in a metaphorical pit of despair and uncaring. Some are worse than others; a few end up involving self harm and suicide. But that doesn't mean that the ones who don't take a blade, gun, noose, etc to themselves are automatically greater than you. In fact, one could argue that you are stronger for it. I admit I've done some minor self harm in the past (long stopped), but I can't even imagine actually commiting to anything bigger than that. And to basically get out of the mind set of 'I'm dead, and everything's better for it' to what you are now? You're far stronger than most people commenting here.