I hate it when depressions immobilize me so much that I can't do anything..... · 5:57pm Aug 27th, 2019
Fuck everything. I want to write. But I can't, not right now. This is going on for a week and four days now. I feel weak. I feel nearly constantly exhausted. Nothing else but pure and 100% relaxation can give me at least a tiny shred of happiness. The moment I touch something that can be described as "work" in one way or another, I feel how my brain starts to twist and knot itself. I get ill and feel sick. I have the desire to write, to write for Lemon Crumble and Cozy Glow and Kettle Corn and Tempest Shadow, but when I actually attempt it, I fail. I don't understand what is doing this. Actually, I do understand what is doing this, where it comes from, the initial cause, but I don't understand why it just doesn't stop. Now I feel that it's slowly getting better and that I might be able to be at least a little productive tonight, but I can already tell from experience that something will throw me off the rails again in a few days. It sucks. How will I ever get somewhere if that doesn't stop? It's going on for a week and four days now. In the last two years it were uncontrollable and violent, aggressive outbursts that always targeted themselves at someone who didn't deserve them. Now it's a regularly recurring feeling of complete weakness. What is wrong with me? I'm sick of it.
Edit: And why do I lose a follower seemingly every time I release a blog entry that indicates that my health isn't at its best? I was just on 251, since yesterday, now I'm back down at 250 and someone unfollowed me who started to follow me just recently. Is this a direct reaction to it when I say that my mental and/or physical condition doesn't allow writing currently? Geez, thank you very much, you are really great at supporting an author whose work you supposedly like if you do that.
I know how sick this can be, but we're all here for you. Need someone to talk, you know where to find me
I personally know how this feels. I have depression myself. and I have had moments where I just want to do nothing. when those moments hit me I just let myself do nothing. I layout on my sofa put in a movie, or a tv show or some stand up comedy and just turn my brain off altogether. You have to find some way to ride it out. and not dwell on the reasons for feeling that way. Talking to someone helps, going to a therapist. believe me that part is extremely hard. in my case, I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. I take anti-depressants and ever few months I check in with my psychiatrist.
and if you need someone to talk to or just to vent I always have a friendly ear.
5112601
I know that it needs to ride out. Which is the entire problem. It happens too frequently and right now, it takes much longer than usually. Not one or two days, one and half week.
I don't want to lay low, relax and ride out. I want to be productive. I used to have so much productivity and energy to write two years ago; I used to be able to write with headache, tooth pain, gum infection, all those nasty things, when I knew I have to get something out to stay on schedule.
But in the last two years all of this energy seems to have disappeared. Mental problems have gotten added and if some physical issue teams up with them, I get beaten.
And all of that, even though I just managed to be so productive only recently. In the month I was preparing the launch of my Patreon account, I barely left my computer. And before the last breakdown happened, I was working at the revision of "Dreamwalker Dash" for an entire day almost without a break. It was like my energy had decided to return for a brief time, only to leave me again.
I thought my condition is getting better and that I would be cured of those depressions soon, but now, I'm not so sure anymore.
5112601
And then it's of course healthy and helpful if someone starts to unfollow me in the very moment I admit that I'm not fully functionable. It's the second time this happens now and it's poison for my strength.
5112625
Depression never gets cured. I've been living with it my entire life. It does get better even if it does seem like it will take forever. my personal recommendation is to see a licensed psychiatrist or a doctor unless you already have.
and don't worry I'm not going to unfollow you
5112628
Oh, it does go away. I know it does. It depends on what's causing it. I know what caused it more than two years ago and it's still continuing a chain reaction until today. I need to resolve all the problems the event caused.
I know it'll go away. How persistent it is and how long it takes is what's bugging me.
Ad no matter what, I'll stick with you. Your stories with Dinky helped me when I felt down.