Farmers Black Market, part 1 · 1:39pm Aug 10th, 2019
“You know, Library Amnesty Day was Starlight’s idea,” Twilight Sparkle said to Spike. “Originally, that is. Back before it was a real holiday.”
They were at the kitchen table for breakfast. In lieu of pancakes, Twilight had a bowl of shredded oats and blueberries. They didn’t taste like much, but it was summer, and that meant ponies like Rarity and Rainbow Dash and the spa twins were traipsing around, showing off toned bodies that looked like their skin and coat had been painted over cords of supple muscle. And though Twilight knew her body weight was well within acceptable limits for an alicorn mare her age, she couldn’t help but feel a little frumpy and dull and, yes, a bit pudgy if we’re being honest. So she was having cereal for breakfast and enjoying it in the same way the ancient pony stoics enjoyed being miserable, because it also meant they were being virtuous.
Spike wasn’t on a diet. He had all kinds of pancakes. Twilight gazed at them as she spoke.
“Yeah?” Spike rolled an entire pancake up into a little funnel, plopped in a dollop of whipped cream, and swallowed it whole. “Did she have any overdue library books at the time?”
Twilight shook her head. “It wasn’t about her. I think she knew how much trouble the library was in and wanted to help.”
Starlight was a mare of many talents – magic, dialectic materialism, leading cults, etc. As a cult leader she’d learned a lot about what made ponies tick, and she knew that ponies hated conflict. Specifically, she knew that returning overdue library books to Twilight Sparkle’s library inevitably led to conflict. Mostly just verbal conflict.
Because few ponies with overdue library books wanted to fight an alicorn, they tended to keep their books forever and simply never went back to the library, which was simultaneously emptying the library of books and ponies. It was unsustainable. Twilight came close to losing her certification by the Equestrian Library and Pole Dancing Association, Canterlot Chapter. The library had to change, or she had to learn how to pole dance.
Twilight had gotten as far as reading online reviews for various dancing poles when Starlight came to the rescue. The answer, she proposed, was Library Amnesty Day.
On Library Amnesty Day, any overdue library book could be returned with no penalty to the library, assuming it was still in readable condition. For scofflaws who had damaged their books or, Celstia forbid, lost them, Library Amnesty Day offered only a partial relief. Their fines were waived, but they were still glared at fiercely by Twilight Sparkle, and of course their dreams were haunted by the spirits of the books they had damaged or misplaced.
In Starlight Glimmer’s original formulation, Library Amnesty Day was followed immediately by Library Persecution Day, a public holiday in which librarians would ride out into their towns, corralling book criminals and herding them to the village square for mass trial and punishment. While the idea did appeal to something deep and primal in Twilight’s heart, she suppressed that feeling vigorously and only sometimes, long into the night when she would lie awake in bed, did she imagine herself sallying forth, flames bursting from her hoofsteps, clothed in the shining armor of virtue and righteousness, bringing justice to the lands and the library’s accounts-due ledger.
And so there was no Library Persecution Day. But Library Amnesty Day was a big hit. For three years Twilight had celebrated it alongside all the book-loving ponies of Ponyville, and today was the fourth. She finished the last of her cereal and drank the remaining milk from the bowl like her parents yelled at her not to.
“Good morning!” Starlight Glimmer chirped as she trotted into the kitchen. She measured out a cup of pancake batter from the bowl onto the skillet and poured herself a smaller mug of coffee. While the pancakes sizzled she joined them at the table. “Ready for today?”
“Just about.” Her hooves beat a rapid tattoo on the table. “I’m so excited!”
“And I’m excited for you,” Starlight said. “What about you, Spike? Any plans for the day?”
“Chores, comics, dragon stuff. Mostly dragon stuff. You?”
“I was going to help out with the amnesty day,” Starlight said. “If you don’t mind, that is, Twilight. Every year you seem to have so much fun with it, and I thought, hey, maybe I could tag along? Just some community service.”
“I thought the judge said you were done with that,” Spike said.
“She did!” Starlight beamed. “This is all voluntary! No court order or anything this time. If you want the help, Twilight.”
Twilight did, and it was good to hear Starlight wasn’t serving another sentence. The apprentice-teacher relationship between the two of them was complicated, with deep feelings of respect and affection, but Twilight had to admit that when Starlight was in jail or on trial for some new offense it caused a bit of strain between them. Twilight’s preferred solution was for Starlight to stop committing crimes; Starlight insisted that the law had to catch up with the new, higher morality she was inventing to lead ponies into the next age.
Sometimes, Twilight wondered what it was like to have an apprentice who wasn’t a reformed villain. Probably pretty nice.
The adventures of Starlight Glimmer and her friends continue! Soon with many more chapters posted (mostly by my awesome friend GaPJaxie, but I'm helping!)
Now I'm craving pancakes after eating my oatmeal. Curse you adorable ponies with stuffed cheeks!
Perhaps the next holiday Twilight should suggest is, "Follow The Law Day". Imagine, having to do what society has agreed is the proper way to act for a whole day. Probably won't turn Starlight over, but it would be a give Twilight a day to relax. Right?
Funnily enough, I was always yelled at for not drinking the remaining milk on the rare occasions that I didn’t. Something to do with all the starving children in Africa.
Now I'd like to see a collaborative series about all the strange combination stores and associations around Ponyville and Equestria. Quills and sofas? Libraries and pole dancers? Pizza and actuaries? Carts and fishing gear?
My morality is so confused right now.
It's little things like this that make life worth living.
You know, while laws should be passed specifically forbidding Twilight from public displays of any form of dancing, maybe there could be an amnesty performance day once a year so that she could sate her curiosity, while ponies indulge their inherent desire to observe a horrific, scheduled train wreck.
5103249
With Pals-Starlight and thousands of years of laws? You know this would end in a legal duel and citizens arrest over someone absentmindedly jaywalking.
Heh, lovely, as usual. :)
Wait until Twilight finds out Starlight has been freelancing Library Persecution Day and not telling her.
5103249
I know your pain... Admiral Biscuit did the same thing to me with waffles on a regular basis.... I now own a waffle maker.
Spent the whole time waiting for the situation to turn awful.
Situation did not turn awful.
Got vaguely confused.
Saw "part one" in the title.
Cognitive dissonance resolved.
Dude this is hilarious!
This is SOOOO GOOD! 🌸🌼🌺
5103268
Just ask yourself, "What would Starlight Glimmer do?"
It works for me.
5107730
I'm not sure that's gonna help.