Meditations Upon A Convention Center, or, My Thoughts As The Sky Falls For Reals This Time · 6:02pm Aug 4th, 2019
As I write this, I am sitting on the third floor of the Baltimore Convention Center, overlooking my first and last Bronycon. On one side of me, there’s a sing-along going, and, on the other, the impromptu memorial to the con. There’s a real air of finality about the place—I think everyone has a sense that this is an End. I’ve been wandering around the con for about a half-hour, trying to find some way to say goodbye to this thing called Bronycon—so I thought I’d write it out.
My Little Pony has, in many ways, meant the world to me. I discovered the show in the middle of my parents’ divorce, when I was a lonely, anxious nerd whose life was falling apart around him. My Little Pony gave me messages of hope and laughter, and, most importantly, gave me a group to belong to. I made some real friends, and I discovered some incredible talents. And, of course, I’ve been able to make at least a few of you laugh, or cry, or smile—and I think that’s all I could ever ask for.
That said, I have never really been comfortable owning the label “Brony.” My family was never really supportive of my interest in the fandom—my dad once argued passionately that my continued participation would turn me gay, in the same voice he would use to diagnose me with the plague—and I think I’ve internalized a lot of that guilt. I write, read, and purchase fanfiction, and yet I own no T-shirts, hats, or anything like that. The only markers of bronydom I have are those that can be hidden in my pocket or in my personal office, only for those I trust to see.
As several of you are aware, I attempted to leave the fandom at least twice. Those stories are long and ugly, but, in short, I had internalized a lot of that conflict and guilt, and I didn’t feel comfortable continuing. It took a long, long time for me to realize what was going on, but, even while I was away, ponies still defined my life. Seeing a little girl with a Twilight doll in the corner of my eye was, for some time, physically painful: MLP was something that had helped me out, that had given me a sense of purpose, and had introduced me to friends—and I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t continue.
My feelings on this last point are exceptionally complicated. I’ve started and deleted this paragraph several times, and I still don’t know what to say—so I think I’ll leave this particular sleeping dog to lie. The main point is that, even now, I still don’t feel 100% comfortable participating in a brony. Part of me knows that it’s okay, but I’m still afraid to give myself over to the fandom entirely. I think that may be part of what’s going on inside me at the moment—I see all these other people having (what appears to be) the time of their lives, celebrating this part of them, and I want to join in, but I just… can’t. Social anxiety? Lingering guilt? I don’t know, but I know I don’t want to look under many of those rocks at the moment.
And now, here I sit, in the final hours of Bronycon, watching the fandom die. I know what you’re going to say—that it’s not going away, that the show and the memories will still be there—but these stupid cartoon horses have, in a very real sense, defined my life for the past decade. Seeing that die, even the honorable death that it is, is… disconcerting. It’s a little scary, to be honest. I still plan on finishing at least one more Celestia XVII, maybe writing a few of my other ideas down—but I don’t know what my life is going to look like going forward, knowing—or at least suspecting—that things are going to be completely different in a few months.
In short, many are celebrating what they’ve found here in this fandom—but, not to be too dramatic or anything, all I want to do at the moment is mourn.
To those of you who I’ve met and made friends with through this fandom, thank you. You’ve helped shape my life in ways I couldn’t have dreamed when I first stumbled on those pony memes in 2012. Very special thanks to everyone who nominated, voted on, etc., Celestia XVII, to get it into the RCL. It's an honor I desperately wanted, perhaps for selfish reasons, and yet something I thought would never come. To those of you I have offended or wronged in some way, I am sorry. I always tried to do my best, even if I failed to do so.
I think I’ll be okay. I’m generally a pretty optimistic guy. But something about this weekend has got me down. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep? Maybe it’s the caffeine overdose? But for now, I would appreciate any words of encouragement, appreciation, or validation that you could share as I work my way through this particular funk.
I'm sorry I couldn't be there with you.
If you’re still at the convention, feel free to hit me up. Send me a PM or text me at 714-496-3119.
Don't think of it as a funeral, think of it as a celebration of life. Remember the good, let the past bury the worst.
You do good work, be proud of that. Let people thank you, which means letting them find you
I do wish we'd been able to cross paths. (Or we did and I just don't remember it because lots of people.) Your work is deeply appreciated, and we have all much ground left to cover.
That is not dead whose ride can never end
And with strange æons, even death befriends.
I'm sorry I couldn't be there to join you at this Last Con. It's been great "seeing" you online even though not in person and editing each other's work.
I don't think this will quite be the end of the fandom, but I've been seeing it slowly start evaporating over the last year or so, and that might indeed speed up... but hopefully the friendships we've made will stay strong. After all, if we've been fans of a show that in its best moments taught a message of such unapologetic virtue (and that's what really attracted me in the first place), shouldn't we put it into practice?
5099491
Beautiful.
5099482
Couldn't have said it any better.
I can't remember if I actually said hi to you, and I'm sorry if I didn't. D: I might not have even seen you!
Thanks for all the replies! I've been busy the past couple days, but am now getting around to catching up on all my emails / comments.
I ended up feeling better shortly after I posted this; I think I just needed to get it out of my system. I'll be posting a full update shortly.
5099482
Thank you very, very much. I'm glad you enjoy my work so much!
5099670
I'm sorry I missed you, too! I wasn't really in a socializing mood for most of the con, unfortunately, but it would have been nice to at least put a face to the name!
5099491
Same goes for you. I'm honored you'd want to meet me!
Also--did you just compose that poetry? That's a good one
5099449
No worries, man! I know it's a long distance and a lot of money.
5099520
I've been talking with some friends, and am coming to the conclusion that this won't be the end of the fandom per se. After all, lots of shows have ended! I think I'm feeling it more, though, because this is the first time I've been "present" for its demise.
It was great to meet you mostly through the fandom (although I think we met briefly through other nerdy interests, too). I feel like the fandom definitely is losing a lot of momentum with this generation wrapping up.
5100418
Yeah, I think it is... but it's also been losing momentum for a while, now.
I'm slowly coming around to the idea that the fandom will live on, but it's going to be very different. Hopefully it'll be close enough, though, that we can still have fun with ponies like we used to, at least for a while
I totally get what you're saying. The loudest part of any fandom is the one that it changed their life or they found their best friends/partners. Once you realize this is true of anything, even basically every youtube channel with a few thousand subscribers, it puts things in context. If you're happy with what you got out of the fandom, that's great. You can definitely be proud of what you put in. Just kind of smile that it has been a life changing experience for some people.
We met briefly during the wait for one of the panels, and it was a pleasure. Hoping to meet you again during some other con in the future!
As one of the organizers of BC - Yes, we have closed our curtain on our production, but Bridleway remains hot and active. There's plenty of other cons, and while none of them may reach the sheer size and spectacle we produced at BC, the same love and passion we had at our event lives on.
There is nothing wrong with loving MLP, boy or girl, adult or child, gay, straight, or queer - whomever you are, if anyone ever tells you loving something like MLP is wrong, that's a person whose advice you should not listen to. They're wrong.
You are free to love what you love. You are free to move on from the fandom if you are ready for it. You are free to stick here with us and enjoy things for years to come. You are free to be your best self. That is the message we wanted to share at BronyCon - be who you truly are, shed the mask, celebrate together!
Find your authentic self, treasure it, and let nobody take it away from you.
And I get all the self-doubt and loathing. I was there for years, too, from around Season 1 all the way through 4 or 5. I was just another random pony fan, but the friends I met and experiences I had and people I learned from helped me grow, and open up, and now...well, I've known this was coming since I was fighting to not have 2019 be our last year months before we announced it publicly.
I lost that fight, and in the time I came to understand that well - I'm shamelessly stealing from Thor, but the spirit of BronyCon is the people, not the place.
The people are still here. Your friends are still here. Maybe we're all scattered about, again, but nothing is stopping you all from coming together at another con, one that already eists or one yet to be founded, ne?