For anyone that cares, here are my thoughts. · 4:29am Jul 10th, 2019
For what this blog is worth, piss all the-fuck over it if you want. I just want to get one last musing out.
There are a few phrases that I want you to keep in mind:
- Old woes are to be overcome, And we overcome them united (Triumph over bygone sorrow, Can in unity be won) Nationalhymn der DDR: Auferstanden aus Ruinen
- May the morning shine on the rivers and mountains of this land (Shine bright, you dawn, on this land so fair) 애국가
- Brought up in a brilliant culture (Rich in cultural heritage) 애국가
I'll explain why later as my post goes on.
The main summary: I believe I have decided to quit FimFiction (hereon referred to as FimFucktion for explained reasons), as it is more a toxic cesspool than a place that offers me help and support.
I want to get started by saying I have had problems with suicidal thoughts long before anyone knew about it.
I have scars on my throat.
A friend, the only one I trust, talked me down several times.
He saw the damage I had done to my wrist.
I want you to all know this: The song Auferstanden aus Ruinen has a stanza, the march of the first, that reads, in Deutsch (German):
Alte Not gilt es zu zwingen,
Und wir zwingen sie vereint
I know many of you may only speak English, or at the very least not know German, so I'll translate:
Old woes are to be overcome
And we overcome them united.
Also interpreted (for singing in English) as:
Triumph over bygone sorrow,
Can in unity be won.
You're probably wondering why I threw the march of the first in here from East Germany's anthem, Auferstanden aus Ruinen (eng. Risen from Ruins).
Well, I take interest in the late days of the Cold War, and East Germany (GDR or DDR) in particular, alongside the CCCP (Soviet Union or USSR). I heard it at around 1:00 in the morning here, on YouTube, so I tried to find an English version.
I succeeded.
This story takes place after I joined FimFuck, so keep that in mind.
I saw MLP and (formerly) FimFiction as a way to overcome my old woes, a way to play triumph over my own sorrows in real life.
I will admit, it was pretty helpful, but that was before shit hit the fan.
My reasoning is that I thought this place would help me find triumph over my sorrows, a way to overcome my woes. To quote phrase #02, May the morning shine on the rivers and mountains of this land (sang as Shine bright, you dawn, on this land so fair), the very first line of the North Korean song 애국가 (eng. Aegukka).
This is a phrase that, if you think about it, morning is supposed to be a time to start anew, to forget about yesterday and the mistakes we made and the times we screwed up and move forward.
Sure, I've screwed up and made mistakes, I'm not afraid to admit that. Hell, I just did.
I'm also extremely different than many on this site which is why I only trust one person here with my life, and he knows who he is.
I'm preserving anonymity, so I'll let you say if you want. I'm not forcing anyone to do anything.
I don't want you to feel good, I don't want you to feel bad.
I want you to be people.
I want for the dawn, the morning, to shine brightly here, and for everyone to forget their troubles and start anew. Just pardon, let go, and your life will be easier.
Even trying to understand others can do wonders for you.
Sure, it may take a toll out on you, but won't it be worth it?
There will be fights, but they will be made up.
There will be problems, but they will be solved.
There will be hardships, but you will come out stronger.
There will be tests. Tests that you aren't prepared for. But you will be ready.
That said, this brings me to my third phrase, also from the song 애국가 (eng. Aegukka), Brought up in a brilliant culture (Rich in cultural heritage).
We're all bronies, and it lives and thrives strong and rich in us. Like a culture.
Our culture.
Our former culture.
I thought being a brony was more than being belittled by near-everyone, I thought it was a family.
I was so entirely wrong there.
I wanted a place and a community where I could truly be happy and be myself, but that didn't work, because I'm supposed to be like everyone else, and the admins and mods will support that, I'm more than sure after I found myself at the ass-end of a flamewar and was forced silent by bot abuse.
A friend of mine went in there and was silenced, everyone thinking he was a second account.
I will preserve anonymity here as well.
He wasn't.
Then a second friend went in there, the one who is the only reason I've made it this far without dying, and the only reason I'm still on FimFucktion at all, I'm sure was belittled because he defended me.
If I need help with something, it's entirely understandable. What isn't is every-fucking-body making fun of me.
I know this is going to come as a bit of a bomb, but:
Sometimes I wonder if suicide was the right answer after all of the shit that I've been through in my life and the shit that's happening here and now.
I would really like for someone to change and do something about it.
I'm not asking for much, I'm just asking that you could be more open-minded.
If there's a problem, I'll gladly talk it out when someone gives me the chance, but when an admin fucks me over with a bot for what is essentially nothing more than shits-and-giggles, then I have problems.
Like I said at the beginning, you can shit and piss on this as much as you so desire, tell me how in the wrong I am, prove that I'm a goddamn mistake, even, but I'll probably never see it.
Now, here is an open letter to the admins and mods, alongside all of the assholes who pretend to be nice.
To whom it may concern:
I know by now that I've probably stirred up some kind of hellfire shitstorm, but I had to get these thoughts out, even if they weren't the most... pleasant... ones, but it's the honest-to-fucking-God truth.
I don't know how else to put it.
I can only trust with certainty that you were told the truth about my life outside of here, and how unpleasant it is.
Before anything is said, I'm sure you used the same backlash on my friends as you did on me, and I don't appreciate it.
As a matter of fact, I'm actually highly offended by the whole mess entirely, not just what happened the other day, but everything.
Like I said in an aforementioned part of the post: I'm not perfect, but I'm also not like anyone else. I would appreciate it if you saw users as people on the other side of their web connections and modems, rather than just a name on a page of HyperText.
It would actually be one of my dreams if just one place I went to were like that.
A place where everything is taken into account, and no rash decisions are made out of assumption, simply for the reason of it being easy.
At the end of the day, we're all human.
But we're also all different.
There are a few people, I can name one in particular (but will not as a respect of privacy) that, while she may not see me as one, I see her as a friend and a sister.
Do you feel that same connection with anyone on here, or is everything just a policy to go by?
If it's the former, something has drifted far off-course, but if it's the latter, then I have no place here, or anywhere else for that matter.
And there is no in-between.
A conversation is more powerful than anyone can imagine.
It can be a driving force to continue or end someone's life, or it can be something to simply pass time.
You shouldn't have to put much thought into what you do, but it looks like, from my perspective at least, that you don't put enough of it into what you say and how you say it.
The other day, when someone joked that I died, the only reason I didn't blow up was because I was in Jack's with my Aunt and Uncle.
I did as much as I could to keep it civil, believe me I did.
Take that as you will.
I was the only person making any goddamn effort, whatsoever.
You may have a different take, you may have the same take, you might not even give a shit.
I would just like to know.
And, while I've said it once, I'll say it again. I'm not like everyone else. I'm not just an avatar with a handle on a page of HyperText, and neither are my friends.
We're actual people, and I don't want you to ever harass them from this point forward.
I thank you for your time and effort,
TwiPON3.
Now, originally, I had a plan to include one last piece of content on this website before I gave up, but a storm is preventing me from uploading, so I will post in the morning in another blog post.
Thank you, and God Bless.
Whatever you choose; I wish you peace and good fortune going forward
I'm sorry this happened to you, dude. Maybe things will get better soon.
For what it's worth, you've blown this completely out of proportion. Nobody else involved thought it was as big a deal as you apparently do. (For example: you're hung up on it days later and the rest of us had forgotten it happened until you showed up to call attention to it again.)
You made some mistakes in how you approached asking for help; it's not the end of the world. Hopefully you can take it as a learning experience to improve your interpersonal skills.
But there was no flamewar, and there was no bot abuse. You were rude (shockingly so) to the people you were asking for help, which isn't going to be tolerated. Sure, some of the other server members chimed in unnecessarily to poke fun, but it was all very tame as that kind of thing goes, and you made it pretty easy for them by copping a big attitude over something that turned out to be your own mistake. Again, hopefully it's a good learning experience for how to successfully interact with other people.
You're more than welcome here on the site and in the Discord server as long as you can treat other members with the respect they deserve. The Golden Rule is trite but appropriate here -- you probably wouldn't appreciate a stranger showing up and cursing up a storm at you out of nowhere just because they're frustrated about something.
I hope your situation improves and that you get whatever help you need to do so.
For what it's worth, I did genuinely want to help. It's just somewhat difficult to take someone seriously when they begin asking for total site redesigns or added features specifically for their benefit, while also swearing like a sailor. Those individuals who continued to provoke you were chastised for it after you left.
I have also struggled with suicidal depression for most of my life. I know that it can sometimes make small slights feel like the entire world is against you, but that's not true, and it never is. Please don't feel that you need to take drastic action because a couple randos on Discord poked fun at you.
Hang in there, man.