Fic Reviews: Unexpected · 3:33pm May 16th, 2019
Write what you know. Common advice handed down to probably just about every student via their English teacher. Solid, sound advice really. This story takes it to the logical extreme, honestly. Basically, Ruin admitted to me over Discord this entire story’s base premise -namely, Scootaloo getting pregnant in high school thanks to a boyfriend- was partially based on her own experiences so… Well, I suppose I can’t fault her for wanting to get that on paper. From a writer’s standpoint, I would say it would make for a good story. From the standpoint of a friend… Ouch. I feel sorry for you, Ruin.
But I’m not here to dish out pity. I’ve got a story to do here. Now, we sorta start “In Media Res” if any of you know what that means. Basically, it means we start the story in the middle of everything. In this case, we start with Scootaloo in the nurse’s office confronted with the news no high-schooler would ever want to be confronted with. It does sorta work, but on the other hand, I would ask Ruin to find some new words, as “Said” and “Asked” and things of that ilk are very prominent throughout not just this opening chapter, but the entire story. That alone just makes me want to groan a little. It’s not that hard to learn some new adjectives and the like.
I’m sorry if this seems like nitpicking or anything, but I told Ruin that because I was a friend to her, I would be cracking down even harder on this story than I normally do just so to avoid any accusations of bias. That being said, however, I did like this story when it came out so… Let’s see how much has changed since then eh?
Now, this story is a bit dated. Now, it’s long common fanon that Scootaloo is an orphan, we all know this. Then came along Ponyville Mysteries, where we got massive news in that her parents are often away on work and instead she lives with her aunts. Threw about all of us for a loop. Least it did away with the Orphanloo cliche for the most part and opened up new storytelling possibilities.
Now, I will admit some of the dialogue throughout the fic feels a bit… slited and emotionless at times. Take this line for example.
"So, what do you want to talk about Scoots?" Rainbow asked as she looked at Scootaloo. "Something seems to be bothering you."
So… Uh, yeah. Okay, I admit it might be a little difficult to alter this line but you get the general idea. Now, I’m not saying the story’s bad or anything, but lines like this are scattered throughout the whole entire piece.
On the other hand, what’s not said often says volumes. The characters’ inner thoughts are often more expressive than what they actually say. Scootaloo’s constant changing demeanor throughout the story. Worry towards her new lot in life, her eventual anger towards Cirrus Sky -the father- when he decides not to take responsibility for his actions, and her amusement towards him when Discord does… something to him. Which to this day I maintain is one of the greatest stories never told. Granted, it wouldn’t fit the general tone of this piece but I am curious as to exactly what happened there.
That being said, Ruin does handle this subject with a lot of delicacy and care. Scootaloo’s inner thoughts feel… very, well… very real. Of course, given this is semi-autobiographical I’d be more surprised if they didn’t feel real really. I’ve seen Ruin’s potential on story writing, given her work on “Facing the Future”, which for the record I have reviewed on my blog so you can go check that out if you wish. For this story, she’s on-point really. Certain stories really, mostly her one-shots end up drop-dead boring or need a lot of expansion thanks to melodrama and the need for new words, but I don’t know… Forgive me if I sound biased here but it’s when Ruin writes her longer pieces her passion seems to come out. With a few minor exceptions here and there. Take this set of lines.
"Well little filly or colt, its you and me against the world," she said with a soft smile as she looked down at her stomach, it was weird talking to somepony growing in her like this. "Its a great big world out here, with lots of things that will make things hard for us, but you've got your aunts to help take care of you. I just hope that everything will be okay..."
Yes, there’s one minor grammar error, namely with the “Its” not being an ‘It’s” -a recurring problem with Ruinqueen- and that last line feels somewhat emotionless but that said, my heart did about melt at Scootaloo’s lines there.
Now, there’s a subplot which I’m not entirely sure is necessary, namely Rainbow Dash turning out to be Scootaloo’s actual birth mother, and her worrying about history repeating itself. Now I’m sorry, but this felt like this was just tacked on for Rainbow to have an even more involved role in the story -not to mention to push a FlutterDash ship- aside from being the loving, supporting sister she is in canon.
Also, there’s this bit. The long-awaited confrontation with Cirrus. On the one hand, it feels very emotional in some aspects, but on the other… well, just read for yourself.
"Oh, well see..." Cirrus said, he realized that he had been caught between two mares and neither of them were looking very happy with him right now. "I was just..."
"Just what, just cheating on me?" Scootaloo growled as she glared at him with such intensity that even Fluttershy's state wouldn't compare. "I'm not some filly to use and discard Cirrus, and you're just a plothead. I wouldn't listen to a word he's saying, his Uncle works for the Wonderbolts sure, as a Janitor cleaning up after the shows, he couldn't get you into a practice session if his life depended on it. Don't waste your time on jerks like this, and tell your friends the same thing."
Now if I was Scootaloo in her position, I’d use a few words a lot stronger than ‘Plothead”, which almost made me bust a gut from how narmy it was and jerk. Now, Ruin isn’t exactly one to curse even in stories, but uh… I think she probably should have made an exception here.
Also, the phrase: glared at him with such intensity that even Fluttershy's state wouldn't compare
Aside from making me almost burst out laughing from the accidental rhyme, again this falls under the “Narm” category. A better wording might have been: glared at him with such an intensity, such a ferocity that Cirrus’ legs started to give way as the embers of Scootaloo’s fury slowly ignited into an inferno.
Now, which phrasing would you choose hmm?
Think about it.
But all in all, the final tally of this story isn’t a terrible one, but not as high as I think it could have been really. Sadly, I can only rate this a 6/10.
Might Recommend, but wouldn’t be my first choice
